The Lonely Road

Thursday, December 30, 2004
Tradition

One of the best days I ever had for the year 2004, the "Tradition"

It has been well over 8 years now since Martin, Richmond and I had that party in Chili's and yet there we were again, in the same place after all these years. Every year, we ate at Chili's then go out for a day of fun, no excuses, it was going to happen no matter what. I don't know but it's something we do not fail to do at all and at each gathering, more faces would join us. But what is most important was the fact that Richmond and Martin were there, two of my oldest and dearest friends.

During that time, we caught up with what's going on with everyone's lives. Most were apparently surprised by my lack of hair, haha. But more importantly was that we took the time to at least meet up. Honestly, I didn't think we could have had a reunion this year with everyone busy. We didn't even meet after graduation, how about that? But at least, we made up for it and then some, with the addition of Ryan, James, Mc and Lester.

We talked about stupid stuff, childish stuff, haha catching up on high school days and people we met on the way. We gave a toast to those who weren't here any more and who we missed most (that's you Manuel!) hopeful that our bonds would never sever and in fact, this tradition of ours has yet to face its demise. Imagine recapping all the good times with your closest friends, that's the whole point of it. There is no title attached to what we do, we jsut do it because it is something we all want, to rekindle friendships forged since way back when.

I admit that we all have changed a lot over the years but at least for one time in the year, we can go back and reach down into our origins. My friends are important people to me, I can't live without them, they're like my brothers somehow. Brothers in Life.

Guys, it still amazes me that we've been doing the same thing for eight frickin years, that's gotta be something! So that was the day, friends sharing nachos and fries, what more could you ask for? haha, Happy New Year bros! You guys, made my year!

Riding the Lightning
8:55 PM

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Tradition

Riding the Lightning
8:55 PM

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Monday, December 27, 2004
Year Ender

I recently fell in love with a song. The song is called Hollow Years by Dream Theater (thanks John!) I just love it. So for this blog...

"Once the stone,

You're crawling under,

Is lifted off your shoulders,

Once the cloud that's raining, Over your head disappears,

The noise that you'll hear,

Is the crashing down of hollow years"

Yesterday, I had a talk with two of my dearest friends; Red and Martin. We have been friends for a long time and yes, it has been a long time since we conversed with each, Red being at the States and Martin on the road to independence haha, it's just awesome to talk to them once again. Somehow I realized about how much has changed over the years. Honestly, I'm not the same guy back then. Lots of things have changed and most of them, I try to live with.

Too bad that things didn't work out two years ago and that things haven't been working out for me in school or home but thing is, life is going to throw a lot more shit to me, more than I could ever hope to expect and all I can do is live with it. I'm pretty sure some other person will break my heart or let me down or leave me hanging, that's life for ya. Eighteen years hardly seems enough to tell a story. I'm pretty sure I'm not done, hell no, the story progresses and we're the stars. So live, as they say. The new year is arriving and it's time to let things pass or be accepted as history. No use to regret about mistakes because all you have left are the consequences.

Riding the Lightning
8:38 AM

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Sunday, December 26, 2004
Bored

Bored...Dying slowly...Must go out...

Things I did:
1. Finished a girl novel
2. Remember that I have no hair
3. Drown in Dream Theater songs
4. Talk about transvestites
5. Bitch about Khan
6. Had an interesting talk about Pink Bunnies and Masturbation (yes, related)
7. Made a wishlist
8. Wrote DM
9. Stare into nothingness
10. Ruin my biological clock
11. SNAKE EATER
12. DOTA
13. Made some bad jokes
14. Pretended I was a Breakdancer
15. Pretended I was a wrestler
16. Had a dried up face
17. Ate a Gingerbread house
18. Ate Squid on a stick
19. Gain a fond appreciation for fingers and toes
20. Thank God for TV
21. Spent 30 minutes talking about hair
22. Sing to myself
23. Wake up in the middle of the night and fall back asleep
24. Make fun of my brother
25. Make fun of my brother 5 minutes after
26. Still making fun of my brother
27. Point out weird commercials
28. Watch the fishes
29. Watched those warm fuzzy christmas specials (then bitch about em later on)
30. Admit for once that I am starting to like senti songs

...
...
...
oh no

Riding the Lightning
6:21 PM

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Thursday, December 23, 2004

The sun had set quietly over my windows and I couldn't help but think that Christmas was fast approaching. After 17 years, Christmas... felt different. It wasn't that I lost the festive joy people have been talking about, but instead, it felt like I have been pushed forward. Eighteen years, and yet to even begin, I wonder what else would come. I dreamed of things that never seem to come to true like love for example and as I see Christmas as a time when kids would make wish lists, I couldn't help but laugh at myself for still believing in such things.

So Santa or some great power up there, I have a few solemn wishes for the season...

I wish my friends and family would be happy. (This goes to everyone I have ever met!)

I wish for a laptop (couldn't help it haha)

I wish my parents a healthy life (Grant this one first!)

I wish Joey the best of everything (Let Auld Lang Syne, Joey)

I wish Manuel, JM, Red, Jian and Angelo much love and care (Hope to hear from you guys sometime!)

I wish I would never stop writing

and finally, I wish for peace on earth even for just the Christmas time (I know it's cheesy but I really do. People have enough turmoil as it is)

"Yet to even begin" Like a roller coaster ride just beginning the loop.

Riding the Lightning
5:50 PM

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Tuesday, December 21, 2004
Hallowed Be Thy Name

I'm waiting in my cold cell, when the bell begins to chime.
Reflecting on my past life and it doesn't have much time.
'Cause at 5 o'clock they take me to the Gallows pole,
The sands of time for me are running low.

When the priest comes to read me the last rites,
I take a look through the bars at the last sights,
Of a world that has gone very wrong for me.

Can it be that there's some sort of error.
Hard to stop the surmounting terror.
Is it really the end, not some crazy dream.

Somebody please tell me that I'm dreaming,
It's not so easy to stop from screaming,
The words escape me when i try to speak.
Tears fall but why am I crying,
After all I'm not afraid of dying.
Don't I believe that there never is an end.

As the guards march me out to the courtyard,
Somebody cries from a cell God be with you.
If there's a God then why has he let me go?

As I walk my life drifts before me,
Though the end is near I'm not sorry.
Catch my soul, it's willing to fly away.

Mark my words believe my soul lives on.
Don't worry now that I have gone.
I've gone beyond to see the truth.

When you know that your time is close at hand.
Maybe then you'll begin to understand,
Life down here is just a strange illusion

Hallowed Be Thy Name

-A tribute to one of the best songs ever. This song is from Iron Maiden

"Music is Life" from Jong

Riding the Lightning
9:16 AM

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Sunday, December 19, 2004
Wish Stone

I hate it if I haven't written for a long time. I tend to get a little rusty.

So the most coveted Christmas break has finally come. I don't know what to expect though. On one hand, Angelo's coming back from the states for a spell and well, it would be great to see him again. Let's not forget JM is coming back also (karaoke night? Halo 2? Can't wait). I wonder what sort of nonsense can happen this time.

I do want to see Manuel in the flesh again. It has been over a year since he left for Canada. It's hard to see your best friend and neighbor take off suddenly from just a few streets away to miles away. We still keep in touch over chat yet it seems that he has changed a lot since that last summer day outside his house when we said our goodbyes.

The gang knew him as the game master, the lord of all computer games haha, he was THE Ultimate Gamer and for some time, we have always been partners in everything. The guy's great haha, a true friend and buddy. It was he who always set things up in the overnights; brought everthing haha the fun stuff, not the stupid boring crap. Comics, games, whatever, Me and Noy have had it in common, so it was hard for me to face that he won't be coming back.

I'm not the only one who miss Manuel though. Out of the old gang, only a few of us remain. It started with Me, Glenn, Myles, Stanley, Manuel and Andrew. Some conflicts arose and people just... well, started going their own ways... there was that time Cabrera and Paul came in but not anymore though. So it's really funny how things ended the way it did. Friendships forged in High School never seem to evade you, guess dad was right, they're the ones who'll always be with you in life, better or worse.

Now, I admit, my friends from 3rd year really gave me a hell of a time but I seem to remember the conflicts and fights from 1st and 2nd year even more. We were always in conflict; rivalries, misunderstandings, even just petty peeves; I seem to remember them all better than the parties. Maybe it's because I'm still amazed by how we all ended up in, even more amazing was that we all found our way to the same frickin college.

Stanley and Me are classmates in English and Literature, Glenn is taking Com Sci (same school in my case), and Myles is someone we encounter almost every week. After everything, it came down to the final four... Marty... Glenn... Myles... and Stanley. Never did I think Manuel was the one who was going. I always thought he'd stick around til the end, me and him taking on the world as partners. But that was then. The reality is, he's in Canada and won't be coming back until... well, who knows? He did help me with GHOSTS but it would have been much better if he was here. Hard to lose a friend, harder to lose someone you considered like a brother.

It's weird to be hanging out with the old barkada. After the history, I'm surprised we can even sit down for a game; Monopoly, our greatest one. After one whole year and looking back, it still seems like there are more to come for us, the remnants of the Overnight gang. I figured that, in time, Glenn, Myles, Stanley or even I could part ways. I don't know. Would that be the end then? It's a strange history, fitting for a story out of the record books. Maybe some time, we'll all sit down and reminisce everything since day one, in the company of the people --friends-- who made us who we are.

Hopefully some day.

Riding the Lightning
6:54 PM

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Wednesday, December 15, 2004
Trances

Every tuesday and thursday, I get off my PE classes and head off to the cathouse to wait for the car to pick me up. At often times, I am alone --well-- I'm alone always there as I waited. I take this time to just think and empty my head of things I'd rather not think about. I admit, I overlook this simple exercise since way back then when I took the occassional round around the Xavier School campus.

I call it that "time". The time when I just stop and go blank. My PE class teacher said that we should always have enough time for our souls to catch up to our bodies and true, I might say because let's face it, we're often too busy and too preoccupied to know ourselves anymore. I loved those walks. Where the sun has just begun to set over the trees as the roads are quiet and the first of the night's wind begins to whisper, telling me to quiet down. Soothing really, I spend my thinking that way mostly. Back then, James and I would sit idly over the bench just to watch it all quiet down, in which case, we both just shut up and looked at it. It is weird but I do somehow feel silenced, as if I couldn't utter a word at all.

When I think about it, I spend about an hour or so just sitting there in my usual pose and stare into the sky. I go blank, really, unable to distinguish whether I was indeed, still waiting. I do not know what to call that feeling but it's like being in a trance hence that's what I'll call it, a trance. My saying in writing goes, "In extreme inspiration or extreme depression" yet I found out in this trance that I also had an urge to right whilst in it. Call it weird but the urge to write is stronger when I'm in this trance yet I do not feel anything at all, in it. It numbs me, that's the word and maybe that's when I think best, when I shut down.

It's this time that I know better about myself, sort of like self-meditation haha, I don't know. I swear, Pier was right, I am weird. I guess maybe just because no one can relate to me anymore hence my own battles are fought by me alone. Can you be alone even in the company of friends who love you? Yes, of course. Been there for 3 to 5 years. I guess being jaded takes a lot out of you.

Boy, I ramble too much, I can't believe how much bullshit you people are willing to read hahaha.

Riding the Lightning
10:03 PM

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Tuesday, December 14, 2004
Variety Show Part 1

The Variety Show part 1

"It's a dual experience, at the same time of night, at the same event, with the same person yet it ended in very different ways..."

The Xavier School variety show is the core of my most memorable experiences. I remember, I spent the whole night until 3 am just to make our horror booth work and how we all ate pizza under the stars of the quadrangle over a job well done. Yet the 3rd year variety show was different, maybe perhaps, that was when I have first met her.

I remember that day clearly, yet vaguely as I try to forget, it was the first time I would meet her, a set-up sort of thing and reluctant as I was, we did have a connection. You see, it was prom week and well, my friends wanted me to go and so, set me up. Honestly, I did want to go yet didn't have enough nerve to ask anyone out. This girl, they say, had things in common with me and we did actually, in a weird sense, we were the same yet I didn't know how truly different we were, an aspect that led to my utter disappointment. We had talked over the phone for some time then arranged to meet during the variety show. A date you say? Maybe. I wouldn't know. This is clearly, not my subject. I leave dating and girls to those who have the guts to do it. I don't I admit, I'm often misunderstood.

So it came that we did meet. We decided to walk throughout the fair and got to know a lot about each other, it was great, I remember that feeling. It's like I found someone I could finally relate to. Someone who could have known who I truly was instead of shallow smiles and plastic masks. Was I a fool to believe this? Of course. I trust people too much, I'm too nice. Anyways, that was when. The night ended in the Variety show, a concert put together by the school.

I loved the Varie, rock bands? food? people? My kinda gig. Since we both had a mutual love for rock, of course, we clicked and since we had mutual hate for senti, of course, we clicked even more. The feeling then, as I remember now, was a complete blur of happiness. May because I was starting to like this girl on the first date? Isn't that stupid? to think that there was something already sparking with people who had just met? It wasn't so stupid back then, when she put her head on my shoulders, I wouldn't have known, when I first looked into eyes not so different from mine, I wouldn't have guessed. That she would be the one to break me.

I didn't know what happened to me back then since I am different from what I was before. I remember that I had indeed loved her. Every thought was occupied with being with her and every so often, I find myself contacting her without even thinking about it. Always making excuses just to hear her talk or making something completely dumb just to have her say something. All in fact, we became best friends. We shared so much and we had this mutual understanding that we would help each other out. In time, I grew to like her in every way. To finally feel that there is someone who understands and smile about it. All of which drove me to my infatuation. I guess I'm too caught up in my own romances to see what it really was. It wasn't an open door --no-- it was just a door with one those locks that let you in to see but not really let you in.

All of which came crashing down one day, in such stupid context which still boggles my mind today. I had told, apparently slightly, that my feelings were growing for her and she took it rather... reluctantly. What came next was that distance. The way you want to avoid someone by ignoring you. We didn't actually sit down and talk it over easily. It all happened suddenly, like a stab on the chest. When we did actually talk about this, that was the last time I would see her until the year after (to my misfortune). It ended with, "I think we better not see each other anymore" and at that point, I didn't know what was going on. But now I do. I was a fool.

Amazing you know? The way girls can totally dismiss the thought of someone having a crush on them while they actually do, and at the same time, think that someone has a crush on them but they actually don't. In my case, I had a crush, she knew, and that was when it fell apart. No idea, it perplexes me. Like I said, not my subject. If someone wrote a book about it, it's probably in my trash.

Was it so wrong to tell her? Would things have been different? Would I be writing about this right now, having the sudden urge to write it down? I learned something that day. There are people who would fool you and it is often bitter to taste that feeling. I would never, in my fondest dreams, think it would end the way it did. It totally destroyed my whole concept of friendship because I knew, some things just can't be fixed anymore. Try as I wanted to, it's never the same anymore but remember back then, I didn't know, only now I know. I hated that part of me, the happy never-knew me, he was a fool and he was played upon, he broke himself and I'm what's left of the pieces.

to be continued in Variety Show part 2...

Riding the Lightning
11:39 PM

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Sunday, December 12, 2004
Black and White

In reaction to my blog some time ago, I got this interesting response from an anonymous friend of Lester's (anonymous, I mean, I don't know her/him):

"""""""""black isn't a color.. it's the abscence of it.. it's not dat it can't possess dem,it absorbs dem ol but can't reflect it (like ur brother i guess)..think of its counter-part..imagine you're a painter,if problems r colors dey better b white 'cos dey need 2 be reflected, shown, and discussed..it's really hard 2 b agitated w/ melancholy smiles but it's harder 2 hide 'em.. u can do it, jus paint 'em ol with white..""""""""""""

My sentiments.

Yeah, a real eye-opener, even inspiring somehow. I have to admit, my life is black. It's a void that swallows everything in and never lets it out. Colors, well, they are complications in my case. It makes everything a whole lot simpler to see things in black and white yet I am never a two-sided coin, more like a 20 sided die. I have a lot of faces and many things in mind that there is hardly a time I find myself with a blank thought. What can I say? I think and dream too much

As for white, I am fond of it also. Let's just say, I see black in all things just as I see white. I do live somewhere in-between these lines and I have found my peace at last. It might not be tranquil serenity but it's good enough for me anyway. I'm not sad, I'm not angry, not even wholly happy, just in-between. I learn to let go feelings that do not matter anyways, it's tough but it's a cure. Try chinese medicine some time; tastes awful but works wonders.

Listen, some people may be worried yet some might not even care but I'm fine with it. It's just because I think too much and am pretty used to fixing things on my own; if not by active action then by passive acceptance. Some things may never work for me anymore --I know-- accepting that your first love didnt love you back or maybe never fulfilling a dream far enough to see it through but I get through anyway. I just put lots of distractions to keep it off my mind. You see, Black may be a void but White can also blind. I know my friends want to look out of me and by god, the last thing I want to know is them worrying about me but that's simply it, I don't want anyone to deal with problems I have (save you Richmond, you know me too well haha)

Heck, I'm writing anyways, it keeps the frustrations away. If I'm writing too depressing stuff well that's just because you see me happy too much. It's Black within a White. Trust me, I don't smile with a fake smile, I smile because I do; I learned never to make a big deal out of anything that shouldn't be a big deal. Things you see here are afterall, Musings.

As for melancholy smiles, I do everything in my warmest sentiments. Agitation will only last for at least, a day til it runs out of my system that way, vindiction never becomes part of my nature... again. Hiding things is never the answer. It's like the Telltale Heart, it's bound to drive you mad one day.

So for the person who gave me this quote, Thank you. You are very insightful and sweet for having given me this advice even though we have not formally met. Black is an absence of color and I do need to change my colors but White may not be it, maybe something else in-between.

Riding the Lightning
9:53 PM

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Wednesday, December 08, 2004

Let's lighten up a bit.

I have very unique friends and of course, each of them have their own unique ways of well... being who they are. And where better to see this than in chat right? So, here's some one-liners:

akhoum (2:13:00 AM): i mean, naisip ko ulet xa kagabi and i was like "shit, i wasted 17 years of my fkken life..."

alien_tea (5:40:13 AM): FOOL!

angel_dinx (2:32:57 AM): not really... i love the day during mornings or late at night

angelica_jao (3:53:46 AM): OH, I HATE THAT Hi5 thing. WHAT THE HELL IS IT?

angelo_g_wong (8:04:50 AM): you better give her a hug after the date

bettinaaaaaaaa (3:18:27 AM): ur pic's disturbing

charmed_doggie (2:22:55 AM): gusto ko lang maasar si Jaco

dawg_0247 (6:37:03 AM): wat FOOOOOOOD?

dejaresco15 (8:37:51 AM): labas tayo im bored talga hahaha

hew_ritter (5:50:40 AM): lemme guess...i drink a potion that turns me into a lady

stanman_2k4 (2:58:50 AM): but i wouldn't wanna square off with the turtles.....

pogigali (6:10:00 AM): so nagtataka ko bakit kayo naglalaban for smallest dick

hapatimebomb (2:39:25 AM): hey marty can you tell me how my voice sounds like

*jamesandrewong (9:02:43 PM): i spent the whole day studying religion
tmat_02 (9:02:50 PM): hahaha
jamesandrewong (9:02:55 PM): crap*

joantan0723 (10:28:08 PM): aww.. haha nice m naman. dpat lhat ng tao prang ikaw. (doubting this one haha)

jojodee16 (2:12:03 PM): did u see the dolphins

lester_barretto (5:22:00 AM): oi ok ka lang sa buhay mo

manoy385 (1:31:58 AM): bumili ako ng carbine

myk_chua (5:14:44 AM): let us all pray for a better tommorrow

pvixen_02 (7:00:10 AM): cause your the master

redred86 (7:24:31 PM): but yeah, looks like something bothers me everyday, so there's an entry for each day, LoL

richmondody (11:24:51 PM): and i'll soon be naked

sophia_mo1987 (2:48:05 AM): the kids called me tita sandara!!!

zeroniner_7 (1:59:15 AM): thats y ppl find ur blog medyo funky

Yep, yep. Gotta love em. Oh and here's mine:
tmat_02 (11:23:58 AM): oooooooooooooo a kitty

Yeah, gotta love those embarrassing one-liners

Riding the Lightning
9:41 PM

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Saturday, December 04, 2004
Simulated Life

I don't think I'm okay.

I feel kept down somehow. Unexplainable. Side effects of thinking too much perhaps. I mean, I just keep everything to myself really cuz well... that's always been me, ya know. It might seem that I'm always surrounded by friends and such but really, it's a lonely life. I wander alone most of the time, taking time in video games or conversations just to divert myself. In a way, I feel my life has become a simulation.

I prefer not to live life as real as other people do. Trust me, it's a strange feeling when it seems like everything isn't even real. It's like, you aren't really there but you are; like an observer or a non-person --yeah, that's the word-- non-person. In many ways, I have developed this person into a real entity, so much so that I have grown attached to him, and admitted him to being a part of well... who I am.

Emotions kill me. I look at people around me and see how raw they really are. Call me a bitter person but I hate seeing PDAs. Selfish in a way cuz that kind of love, I see bleakly in myself. It's a pathetic reaction but I just shut it off like I don't care but I do, more than anything in the world. We all seek it somehow since we are, after all, human. So if we all seek it, then I guess I'm only human. I'm no superman but I do have my kryptonite once in a while. Just that, I try not to feel too much, especially not love.

It's easy really, a little TV, video games, laughs and stupid things, but it tends to cut you off also from being human, hence the simulated life.

Slowly though, I did learn how to feel for someone again. It's a small flickering flame but it's there nonetheless. I never thought I'd have anything left after Joanna but I guess time heals after all. It may be small and insignificant but it's sacred for me at least. Others seem to take things like these for granted and pity those people... they'll never know what they lost until they lose it. I can't be so forward about it, that would be wrong but I appreciate it really, it feels...nice. And I'm happy whenever I feel that feeling, not the superficial temporary happiness out of a victorious game but a soul cry of joy that lifts you high and makes you forget there was any hint of sadness present in your life. Hahaha, I missed this feeling. Maybe in time, I'll get it all back together again and start being real again. Hope she knows it too

Riding the Lightning
8:25 PM

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