The Lonely Road

Monday, February 28, 2005
That Day in Rockwell

Friday, March 25, Ryan had his birthday blowout at Rockwell and who were invited? Me, Ryan, Stan, Berk and Myles went but aside from them who I meet regularly at Ateneo, the day was celebrated by the long awaited reunion with James and Gerome, me amigos, my brothers from other mothers haha. I have not seen Gerome since that car accident and James since December and having them all together again was a grand occassion!

For those of you who don't know, James and Gerome are the two people who made high school, HIGH SCHOOL. These guys really know how to make the best out of situations in the funniest ways. Is it because of our wit and comedic timing? or maybe something more? I don't know but hell, it had been a great two years ago and college doesn't change it one bit as will be known to everyone involved on that day.

Oh yes, we had a blast. Ryan treated us to lunch at Burgoo and since it was libre... Wooo, did we have a good time. James kept commenting on buying "sparkling champagne". Four digits! hahaha. Over lunch, I don't know, we kept talking about our old frog dissection days in high school. Stories from Miko's frog jumping to his face, Berk's group and their squeamish dissection experience, that flaming frog that jumped in the shoe, and many more frog stories. We caught up with each other then and I informed the Burgoo people that it was Ryan's birthday which resulted in a rather embarrassing bit where they were singing Ryan happy birthday. Ryan was smiling too much in embarrassment that he squinted his eyes too much that we couldn't see them anymore. "If eyes were windows to the soul, Ryan would have no soul" hahaha.

The bill came up in whopping 4 digits! Turned out like this:
Ryan: Oh god, the bill.
Marty: Lemme see (looks at bill) Holy crap! (shows it to James)
James: Oops

We played arcade after that. We got whooped in World Combat cuz it was every man for himself. If we were in a real war, we'd be running like whiny little girls. Stanley got some really embarrassing videos then. He took a video of me and berk jamming on this japanese drum game and me riding a horse, jockey style. Me and Berk also played Power Stone which was so much fun. I used the big guy and just chucked rocks at everyone hehe (Big guys with rocks are always fun). Myles stole the show when he tried that Safari game. We all watched in excitement on the chase. Myles vs Zebra, apparently, the Zebra got away but Myles wouldn't let that happen, we went back for a rematch after bowling and what do you know, he caught the goddamn zebra!

The bowling part was the best. Me and Gerome picked up where we left off since Celebrity. Bowling is a very boring sport but hey, you got us playing the game so obviously, something was bound to happen. Oh yes. James got a strike the first bowl, no not cuz of mad bowling skills, but because of this computer error thing we couldn't fix. A sign of things to come.

Me and Gerome battled like idiots over score. They kept using this lucky pink ball which seemed to always end with 8's and 7's (wtf?!) . My constant laughing threw off most of the playahs; ask Stan, I threw him off the most. The game was getting to exciting then, the badgering started! Yes, there was a psych out showdown in lanes 3 and 4. Gerome and Berk, Me and Gerome, Me and Stan, Me and Myles, Myles and Stan, we were all going at it.

While the other guy was going to bowl, we walk alongside him trying to psych him out. But the best was when Stanley was going to bowl, I laughed as I followed him and it threw him off so much, he got a gutter! woohoo yey me. When Stanley was winning, Me and Myles initiated a double serving of contagious laughter and it worked! haha. Berk and Gerome were hilarious, they were badgering each other so much that they both got gutterballs. Myles owned the game with his unique "barbaric" style of using pure brute force and it came down to Stanley and Myles at the end. Tied. These guys had a rivalry since the day I met em and I knew, this would be great so... I took a video. Stanley won after all, (mad pektus power) but Myles gets my vote for best bowler. But I win with most psych outs in the game :)

So that was it. Another adventure long overdue. Gerome went home after and Berk followed. Stan, Myles and James went home with me and that was it. It was one of the best days ever. Lotsa crazies, lotsa memories. Sometimes I wish we never left high school. James and Gerome were always my best buds and our adventures in facing the real world is something I really miss in college. But still, friends like that are hard to come by and even harder to forget.

Ride the Lightning, guys! We own this storm!

Riding the Lightning
7:01 PM

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Saturday, February 26, 2005
Ride the Lightning!

Do you ever had a dream that defines so much about your life that you wake up in the middle of the night, soaked in sweat, realizing that you are -indeed- alive? I sit alone in my bed reading a book over a lonely light, I drop my book, take off my glasses and close the lone lamp and for a while, I observe the dark.

The dark is a strange thing. If you ever stare at it long enough, it will seem that hands start creeping towards you and slowly circle you, consuming you and then you feel most alone. A loneliness that goes beyond that of human companionship, it's like a lone voice that shouts at eternity, no one hearing it but itself.

I think one of the most beautiful sites I've ever experienced in my life was this one instance in my room. It was raining furiously and bolts of lightning were striking so brilliantly and so violently jsut outside my window. And it was the dead of night, the power was out and the only light I had was the streaks of furious lightning rattling the skies. Though the windows were closed, I could feel the winds tearing through the outside metropolis. They swept the rain like an odd flame, dancing slowly yet with the force of nature itself. The trees moved to their melody and the bellows of the torrents were like the cries of gods. At this time, I only thought of the old myths of how people thought that the storms represented a god's fury and at this particular time, watching from a distance, I understood what that awe -that fear- was.

The darkness cowered before the brilliance of the lightning. Each bolt lit up my room like fire exploding and the crackle of the bolt was ear-splitting, a voice that can quiet any god. In that instance, I knew that I was standing there, watching the storm. It was then that I was alive, breathing, heart beating, lungs pumping, those bolts were god-sent. I don't know about you, but I am amazed by storms, the way they swirl into awesome, powerful entities. And in the same way, I guess all of us have our own storms. It's just up to us to Ride the Lightning.

Hehe, was bored.

Riding the Lightning
10:26 PM

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Thursday, February 24, 2005
I'm a Ghost

This day taught me one important lesson, no one gives a damn.

Apparently, what I say doesn't register to the otherwise NORMAL people, and I say normal in a sarcastic way. Whenever I tell someone something, they apparently don't hear it and by the time I follow up on it, they reply with a rather annoying "you didn't say so" which is bullshit since I already told em what I wanted to say but apparently -again- they don't give a damn about what the hell I say. Is it because they think I'm an insignificant nobody not even worth a sliver of your time (which I can believe myself to be already, thank you) or is it because of my 'soft voice' as my dad put it. Well what the hell do you expect me to do, shout at you? God, where were people when they were given ears or better yet, where were they when they were handing out brains to use em.

Let me take you first into one of the oh-so-loved family issues about moi. If most of you didn't know yet, I am a black sheep in the family which is safe to say that every nook and cranny aspect of my life is subjected to criticism. In the household, the job aptly falls on my parents. Now I know, it's a parent's perrogative to pick at every single detail of their children but add that to me being different and their *ugh* standards, and you got yourself hell to live with every single day of your life.

Aside from the criticism in posture, food, weight, height, girlfriends, clothes, habits, hobbies, our arguments in me taking an interest in writing and comics, my driving, my studies, relations with my brother, my friends, the way I talk, the way I walk, my jokes (the list goes on and on, everyday's a lottery) this particular night was about the way I tell them something and later on tell me that I didn't tell them so. What I got was a badgery of pokes and jabs at my already miserable life. May I also point out, these are the people that say I was too secretive and why the hell not? No one gives a damn anyways. I love my parents but that doesn't mean I like them. If they need to make a case out of every single detail in my life then pray tell, what am I living for? The usual parent's excuse is to say, 'It's for your own good when you're older' but 18 years of criticisms, man. You'd think I've learned enough but what do I know, I'm the guy no one pays an ear to.

In a way, I'm never at home if home were the place of belonging -no- because I don't belong, I don't feel it. Does anyone? Maybe some people share my dilemma and yes, they might beat it worse but I have not met anyone whose life was so criticized, so defined, so dictated that it has driven out any sense of warmth in the home. No. I do not belong here, I don't know where. Always and ever will be, wandering

Riding the Lightning
9:55 PM

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Wednesday, February 23, 2005
Living on Dead Nerves

Sometimes you fall and yes, you die but sometimes, you fly

Or something like it. That saying was from a Sandman short about a guy who was scared to death about failing and dying and at the same time succeeding. For me, I hope that I am able to fly in the week to come.

So we have a Physics test next week, but then add a Physics homework to boot and you got yourself a party. Oh and by the way, got a Filipino paper, Quiz in Poetry, and whatever thing you can possibly add to your week that will result in an apparent suicide. So why why why God oh why. As if my life is going bad enough, I'm starting to build up hate everyday hence for my writing everyday.

I hate this fuckin week and everything in it.

So clear things up and focus on something nice. hmm... nope, nothing going for me either. In these situations I think it is best for me to just stop and regroup but I'm afraid that is even denied of me. I guess that's why people die early. Stress starts so early in college that by thetime your're up and about in the world, you're a drained prunish shadow of your former self. Is life always this harsh or am I just born in a really bad time? Who can say? Certainly not me. I am not in control of myself anymore, I'm just moving on dead nerves.

I guess once you are exposed to so much expectations and work, you tend to go braindead and then one day you find yourself crying in a little corner of your room, begging for the day to end. Then you cry yourself to sleep seeking escape in a pile of pillows but there is no comfort in a pile of tear-soaked pillows, there is only sleep until the next day where you would have to wake up. Is this life or something like it? If everyday was meant to take a little bit of your life, then I guess Hob Gadling was right.

That death doesn't come all at once like an owl that snatches a rat out of the darkness but instead, it's like a thief that robs you everyday little by little until you come to the day that when you come into the room and see that there is nothing left. BTW, I am so believing everything in Sandman right now. One cannot possibly grasp the reality and truth those stories have and in the end, as I believe, I will have my just ends. It is either I fall and die or fly into the horizon. Either way, I'd be happy to oblige

Riding the Lightning
8:54 PM

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Tuesday, February 22, 2005
Loveless

You can't love everyone in the world, so at least love one person

"You can't explain that feeling when it hits you like a silent owl that steals away your heart in one silent sweep. It haunts him like a ghost, ever in his mind and soul, making his heart beat faster at every second he thinks about her.

It was stupid really, he left himself open for such an emotion. Such a small insignificant act of kindness and he began to insist on feelings that he may or may not be feeling. He knows, as most people do, that love makes its way stupidly into your life. It stumble and trips and you laugh at it as it does but eventually, it finds a crack into your being and then, your life isn't yours anymore. So how stupid was he to let such a thing enter him and consume him slowly in his sleep and his dreams?

He thinks about her smile, that ever bright and wonderful smile that at each memory, lifts him form his otherwise dismal situations. Oh, the power of such a thing. In his dreams, he walks with her whispering sweet nothings to her, falling for her at every step, loving the moment, each second of their union.

Then he wakes

And realizes it didn't happen and he ends up, shedding a tear. He had forgotten how to love, this man, and the sentiments are lost of him yet when he thinks about her, he feels warmth and it scares him. It terrifies him."

I just HAD to write that down. I have a crush -duh- but she doesn't know it and thus, I am ever, afraid.

Riding the Lightning
11:22 PM

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Monday, February 21, 2005
Oh it doesn't end there, IT DOESN'T END THERE

Okay, I came back after dinner out with my family since it's my dad's birthday and all, and guess what? As if my day -life- was bad enough, I had to go through the *gasp* Family grilling. No, not barbeque grilling, this grilling involves picking at my dismal social life. Yes people, my parents pick at my social life.

Now this is funny and though I know SOME of you out there experience this but not as bad as I do. So they pretty much ask whether I am interested in any girl in or out of ateneo and I reply with a very bland, very polite, no which is a lie because I AM interested in someone *wink* but I am NOT going to tell my parents about it. Then they follow it up with their own stories of their own teenage romances which is so old school, it's embarrassing.

What's next is some tips from dear old dad. Don't get me wrong, I have the fondest respect for my dad and I know -and from a lot of references- I do not doubt his charm in his days but when you're a parent, it just feels WEIRD to hear your dad give you winking lessons. I swear, I'm like that guy in American Pie when it comes to about my dad and his tips.

My mom on the otherhand is getting all anxious to whoever I'm bringing home which I don't think is happening in the near future. And she's throwing this childish fit that I'm very secretive about my affairs which goes to show how much she knows me. OF COURSE I'm keeping my affairs secret because I'm afraid of THIS sort of thing happening. Heck, they even said I probably already got a girl pregnant or something *wtf?!* In the end though, my mom let out a side comment that I was probably gay because I didn't have a girlfriend yet. Of course she didn't mean it in a bad way, she said it in a joking way but goes to show, how much the folks are soooooo into my life more than I am.

Oh yes, Marty having no girlfriend is a BIG issue in the house and it causes so much concern that involves us having these "talks" and these "tip-giving".... gawd. Brains splattered across the wall now. Please, please get me out of here

Riding the Lightning
10:45 PM

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Pointless

Today just has to be the worst day, or second worse or third to my worst day at one time but all the same, this day sucked.

Most people don't know about this but I come to school in a delivery truck and I mean in the cargo area. Now, no excuses, we are poor and we don't have enough cars or drivers to bring me to school every frickin 9 am in the morning so I hitch a ride in the delivery truck which today, was filled with raw fish and chickens. As if the day couldn't get worse, I had a good 50 pages of reading combined from english, poetry and filipino today.

This moment in time, I was able to recuperate about where I am in my life. One, my grades aren't all that good with Physics and Math proding me with their goddamn formulas and solutions. Two, my social life is totally abysmmal. Let's face it, I'm not good with people -being devoid of human sentiments- now try that with someone I'm interested in and you get a no show,"move along people nothing to see here"

'"Ever"

Shit has hit the fan people. Misery loves to serve em up big. All the while in Ateneo, all I did was sulk and share my life of despair to anyone willing enough to lend an ear. Sometimes I feel like I want to just shut myself down and cry, crying's good, it lets the frustrations out but thing is, I can't do that cuz nothing has hit me that hard. All I get is a little by little disintegration of my sorry existence. I hate this. But what's amazing is, my luck seems to get better when I am in my lowly state of depression, go figure. Heck, I write better too. The Big Cosmic Power (which I will now henceforth call BCP) probably wants me to suffer. Give a suffering man a little optimism then strike him down I guess. BCP, you suck. Quit screwing around with me and screw someone else over. Goddamn it, get a life.

For most people, they have things to keep them afloat and in good will like good grades, nice hobby, ever faithful friends, a boyfriend/girlfriend, stable family income or a combination of things but it looks bleak for Marty in all points and in my state of mind, I would gladly -but not so much- contradict;

Good grades - they won't prepare you for the real world. I hope you have a prayer
Nice Hobby - It only goes so far as your time and wallet are concerned
Ever-faithful friends - They're going to die one time or another
A boyfriend/girlfriend - Read the line above
Stable family income - Money can't buy you anything in death save a good funeral

So there you have it. If any of you think you have these things to keep you sane and happy, please remember Marty's ever-enlightening wisdom about things in YOUR life. Also, I'd like to say my day picked up cuz I managed to buy Sandman: Fables and Reflections today at 20% discount. Woohoo! Who needs a love life, good grades and what nots if you got depressing and morbid stories about a pale white guy who's too stuck in his little world to give a damn about people?

Riding the Lightning
5:50 PM

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Sunday, February 20, 2005
The Best Skit Ever

The best skit we did in actual time was during the filming of Bill Kill: The Bribe. This was how it went, or something like it:

Marty: So okay, where's the script?
Berk: Um, we don't have one
Marty: The hell? Then how will I know what to say?
Berk: I don't know, it was Gali's idea not to make one
Gali: Pinag-usapan naman natin na di tayo gagawa ng script e!
Berk: Okay, okay. Maybe we don't need a script. Cuz....cuz...um... we're too good to need a script, yeah that's right. We're a new breed of scriptwriters who rely on improvising and making it look good.
Marty: So you mean, we're too good to actually need a script?
Berk:Yes! We're a new breed of scriptwriters cuz we're too good to need one!

(Then the punchline)

Marty: But berk, if we're a brand new breed of scriptwriters, wouldn't you need to write a script? and well, you didn't write one
Berk: ...
Berk: Well we're a new breed of something just not ... um... scriptwriters.

This actually happened on the way to filming. I don't remember the dialogue quite well but this is the best I could remember. Hahahaha, this is the best!

Riding the Lightning
9:32 AM

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No Rest for the Wicked

I hope this does it. The old blog format seemed a bit too spacy for moi. The tagboard didn't fit, text was too long and those god-awful ads they stick to my pictures? nuh-uh. So I searched around for a new format and here it is! It will take some time to get used to and without Adobe photoshop, the cool pictures with words will have to wait.

The text down here is pretty crammed but it's manageable I guess. Please comment on the new look, pictures aren't mine, i took em off various picture sites. And yes, it's not called Musings of an Edging Sanity because I don't muse anymore as much as before and my sanity is well... you be the judge.

So the new blog is now called, No Rest for the Wicked! Cuz... I'll leave you to find out

(Cheers!)

Riding the Lightning
9:13 AM

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Thursday, February 17, 2005

I'll take a break from the posting of old stories of mine (since I'm pretty sure no one's reading them) so... I guess it's back to talking about my life, or something like it.

My would-be life always -always- has to have its everyday, or if lucky, weekly tragedies. Over time, one learns how to be completely devoid of human sentiments. Well, not completely, I am still human though. It falls on my basic principles that as long as you are capable of getting hurt or feeling something, you are... still human. Kinda sucky aspect if you think about it, you have to hurt to know you're still human but haha, that's not the point, let's move on to my life as of February 2005.

So it was post-midterm's time which pretty much meant, Marty goes insane over nothing period. Why? Cuz no stress! I get to unload all the crammed Math and Physics (ew ew ew) from my already deteriorating brain. So basically, I started accumulating stupid things in my head again, which is a lot of fun for everyone.

Some of which are spent watching Animal Channel and Discovery Channel. I was like watching this Animals of the 3oth century or something and was like, "huwaw... astig" while giggling at the funny looking squid thing on the TV but seriously, if humans die out over time in some global warming bullshit, then the show's probably a load of crap cuz I'm pretty sure we are -fully- adept to make ourselves extinct a hundred times over.

There were also those times where I was watching some new reality TV show on air. Ah, cable, the ultimate brain-drain. If it's not dating shows, it's surviving-in-the-middle-of-nowhere. And those dating shows are really just you expect one TV show to totally hook people up? It's interesting -nah- it's ridiculous; watching chinese people rap, now THAT's interesting.

But my life doesn't only revolve on TV -hell no- I have these appendages I call legs and I use em, yeah I do. So I go to college and that's fun too. You get to see all these people thinking happily about their futures and how they are being "shaped into the people of tomorrow" Comment?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA <-- notice, perfect. Not only Richmond can perfectly type up HAHAHAHA in succession without a letter misplaced!

Speaking of the best bud, his birthday happens to fall on that special day where my skin starts to crawl about an inch higher up and that's VALENTINE's DAY. Being devoid of most explicit signs of emotions, I instead observed people in this day of love~ because as any self-respecting person who loves to write about his otherwise miserable life, it is my perrogative to see how the happy people live in their ... dense... isolated... bubbles. Bubbles are pretty.

Lovely was the day in Ateneo. Guys and girls were holding hands as they walked through the campus and girls swoon over little nothings they whisper over each other's ears. Ech. In case for those new to this blog, I am a person who is now dead-afraid of human affection. If ever I am to encounter a situation where in my emotions or feelings are tested, I'd sooner run from it, write about it, or make a joke about it. My sympathy is spent forcefully into pushing everything out because there was a time where I loved, hated and cared much for people but as time goes on, I learned -through experience- it's better to just don't feel at all.

So all in all, I think I was never rid of that curse that was left of me 2 years ago. Yet as I write here now -alone, save for my restless other- I couldn't help but think of that day when I would learn to have feelings for someone again. But as I have learned, love is felt between two people having the same feelings and I, will not force myself into the life of someone who I love because that is selfish, and love should never -ever- be selfish. I firmly believe that. And in doing so, maybe I have doomed myself, is there perhaps someone out there who feel the same? Or am I playing the fool once again, as I always do...

ARGH, I did it again. Why is it that when I start out a blog, and it keeps dragging on, it ends up with something sad? God, is there really any real happiness for someone like me?

No?

Thought so

Riding the Lightning
4:55 PM

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Wednesday, February 16, 2005

It was another rainy the in Christwood College. On the rocky, cobblestone steps, one can hear the mild symphony of falling raindrops. It is this orchestra that allures two weary men who were sitting idly under the roof of a nearby bus stop at street corner.

One man was dressed with a thick brown frock coat, covering his head with a tattered brown hat. He was small and stocky, and sported a gray and bristly mustache. His age clearly showed, he was in his 50’s, just over the hill as most people say.

The other one beside him was a man who looks barely out of his 30's. He had wavy brown hair, disarrayed from the rain. His face was young yet his eyes, dark and filled with a hidden quality, held a sort of maturity. He wore a white polo matched with black slacks that ran to the heels of his shoes.

The older man grunted, irritated by the turn of events. He had just come from a courtroom and had just lost his case. A mad man is going to be set free. His client was a rapist, and he defended him and he won. A shallow victory nonetheless, for he was a good man and his client was evidently guilty. On his way home, he got caught in the rain and found himself stranded in the bus stop, without an umbrella, cellphone dead, damp and wet from the downpour.

"My day couldn't get worse" he muttered under his breath.

But it probably will. His home was a warzone; with an ignorant wife and three demanding children. He has to think of their futures, work tirelessly unencouraged and in a job where he can let madmen run free. Wherein he sacrifices a little more of his humanity at every living day in exchange to live, it was a cycle, a vicious cycle. His eyes were tired and his legs were brittle with sores and ache. He sleeps for four hours each day, (because there was no peace at home) making up some of his sleep in the office which is often noted by his superiors and thereupon, be scolded at like a dog. He finds temporary comfort in alcohol, going to bars alone and drowning the stabs of the day with booze and liquor but waking up the next day to find that the wounds still festering.

"My wife is going to kill me" he says as he took out his cellphone and tried to dial home. He again had no luck.

Exasperated, he sat on the stop's bench and took out a container of gin, taking a big gulp and instantly he felt more relaxed. He looked at the man beside him who had not moved an inch from his comfortable position; arms laid across the back rest of the bench and one leg crossed over the over. He looked as though, he had nothing to worry about, he was calm, carefree, not a worry in the older man' eyes.

"Young'ins" He muttered as he took another gulp.

The rain poured down even harder. The older man groaned while the younger one said nothing.

"Don' let it disturb you." The young man said.
The old man was surprised by the young one' comment. He said nothing again and the old man sat back again.

"Let what disturb me?"
"You tell me" he replied.
The old man was perplexed by what the young person said. So then, he decided to engage in a little conversation to pass the time, hoping to seek comfort from talking with someone so happy and carefree.

"What are you looking at?" the older man asked.
"I am looking at the rain"
"Hm?" the old man looks towards the rain, hoping to find something that the other one was so fascinated in.

He found nothing.

"I am looking at those raindrops falling on the stepping stones by the gate."
"That's...interesting"
"Not really, it's just relaxing"

The raindrops fell on the cobblestone steps like a drum beat. The mist shrouded the college in an eerie fog giving it a sort of mystical effect, the young man could see this yet the other was a senile man who didn't bother with it.

"Do you go there to study?"
"Yes."
"I see."
"You don't like the rain do you?" the young one suddenly asked in a somewhat childish tone. The other in response, gave him a cock of an eyebrow. But his demeanor explicitly expressed his mild discomfort with the rain.

"Not really. It's complicated. I had a bad day."
"The rain making it worse?"
"I guess."
"Don't let it bother you" The old man was confused by this exchange. He thought that this guy must be crazy to be sitting here idly and looking at the rain. And the way he asks his questions, it seemed childish yet holds something else, something curious.

"Are you waiting for the bus?" the old man asked
"Maybe. I'm expecting a friend." He replied, "and you?"
"I'm waiting for a bus"
"There won't be a bus for another 2 hours. Traffic is clogged across town."
"Well, I think I can wait."
"Whatever you say. But you have a better chance taking a taxi down the street."
"I don’t have an umbrella."
The young man examined him and said, "Why let that bother you? Rain is just water."

"I have a bad hip, the cold hurts" he rubs at his sore hip and begins to cough roughly. "And I've been sick for some time now"
"I'm sorry."
"Just part of getting old."

"How is that like?" he asks "
What?"
"Getting old."
The young man turned his direction now to the old man; eyes wide with wondering and listening intently on what the old man would say. The latter on the other hand couldn’t think of what to say. The question was strange, odd. Nobody asks such things out of the blue especially not to strangers found in a bus stop. But he found nothing to do anyways and something in him wants to find out himself.

"It's tiring. You work day in and day out for money to maintain a household. You can't do anything by yourself anymore; you have to depend on other people. People think you are useless, a burden. You don't win at all."

"You try your best at something to make other people happy but you end up losing something for it. It's cruel how it works. It's like you're being pressed down by a thumb. You have responsibilities and obligations to hold but by the end of the day, nothing really changes."

The young man asked him in turn, "Do you feel like that?"
"Sometimes, yes" without a moment to think about it "It feels sad."
"It…it is…"
His revelation surprises himself.

After, there was silence again. The young man resumed looking at the rain while the old man did nothing again. His gin was half gone and he started to feel a little tipsy so he pocketed it, save it for another day he thinks.

He looks at the young person again and he felt a sort of jealousy towards him. The young man was calm, relaxed, nothing is worrying him. He, on the other hand, had shit to go through everyday. The young man was free from such, he liked the rain and he, the old man, had a half container of booze. He was old, he is young with much to look forward to. He had the rain…he had gin…

"What do you see in the rain, son?" asking curiously, trying to find out an answer to the young person's quality.
"It's a trivial thing. It wouldn't interest a man like you."

Like me? What did he mean by that.

"It's not like we have anything better to do."
"Well okay."

The young man didn’t break his gaze from the rain, "The rain is made up of these tiny little drops, you see. When you hear them, they don’t come down all together; they drop one at a time" he pointed on a wayward raindrop just about to drop from the edge of the bus station's roof.

"For one moment then, it will drop, and splash unto the ground and you will hear it." He raised his hands up, presenting the rain, "it's what you're hearing now. They drop high from the sky and they hit the ground… like us… we only have one chance in our descend, after that, we're gone."

"Interesting" the old man said as he ponders on the thought, stroking his mustache, "Who told you this story?"

"An old friend of mine."

The old man looked at the rain as the young man did and tried to listen well. He listened so closely and then he heard it, each drop falling, making their own sound, telling something. In this moment, the old man felt at peace. The little orchestra of the rain was soothing, something he had never experience before. At this time, he realized what the young man was talking about.

"You hear them?"
"Yes, kind of"
"Do you like it?"
He hesitates but then honestly says, "Yes"
The young man smiled in response and said, "See? Don't let it bother you."

Soon enough an hour passed and a bus came down the streets. It stopped at their terminal yet the old man didn't get in anymore. He was already gone, walking his way home. The young man was left and he waved the bus onwards, signaling it that he wasn't going to take it. Later on, a car came by and the young man got in.

"Sorry if I was late" The young man replied,
"Don't worry. I don't mind waiting."
"Weather's been a bitch"
"Not really. I don't let it bother me."

Then the car drove away while the rain still poured.

-Carpool

Riding the Lightning
9:20 PM

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Sunday, February 13, 2005

A funny incident... over chat. Starting with Ryan saying,

zeroniner_7 (5:04:29 AM): marty?
zeroniner_7 (10:21:03 PM): oy!

I was lying quietly on my bed and my brother was the one on the pc and apparently, things got a little messy.

tmat_02 (10:21:22 PM): ...
zeroniner_7 (10:21:39 PM): ur date is 2mrw ryt?
tmat_02 (10:22:19 PM): dis is micole
tmat_02 (10:22:29 PM): MARTY HAS A DATE?!!?!?!?!?
zeroniner_7 (10:22:36 PM): a ok
zeroniner_7 (10:22:48 PM): maybetmat_02 (10:22:53 PM): with?
zeroniner_7 (10:22:57 PM): ok
zeroniner_7 (10:23:00 PM): i wil go now
zeroniner_7 (10:23:02 PM): b4 ur brother kills me

At this time, my brother was running around shouting "Marty has a date! Marty has a date!" which got me all awake and taking actionin replying,

tmat_02 (10:23:14 PM): oh he will
tmat_02 (10:37:11 PM): there has been a breach in my personal affairs
zeroniner_7 (10:37:30 PM): FORGIVE ME MARTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
zeroniner_7 (10:37:47 PM):

In the end though, I was able to subdue the little demon from spreading the whole fricking news to the family also, it didn't go through anyways. Wow, like that's a surprise. So it was funny overall but in the end though, I didn't go out. Valentine's day tomorrow huhuhu

Riding the Lightning
7:15 PM

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Friday, February 11, 2005
The First Story Ever

Most people already know this, and some people wonder why it was so, but I gave myself an alias in writing in my earliest experience: KID. Why? I was reading a comic and there was an index at the back that had a Kid something in it. I liked his style and the name was catchy so I imagined what kind of story this Kid can have and since he looked all electrified, I gave him the power of lightning which led to his name, Kid Thunder. Thunder? Lightning? yeah, but Thunder sounded more catchy. I made my first story with this character. So without further ado, this is Kid Thunder #1 of the New Age folder:

Kid Thunder #1

Hi, I'm Matt Thomerson. I'm in my third year here and my day was not getting better. Let me tell you what happened.

I woke up late that morning so I was in a rush to go to school. I remembered that I was transferred to a new class and none of my friends were going to be with me. So basically I had to make friends all over again. My old gang kind of split up along the road to 3rd year. I don't know why we split up, we always thought of ourselves as indestructible. Maybe it was fate? People say friends don't last forever. I don't want to think so. I said a lot of stuff to them that pissed them off. I wasn't exactly the nice guy then. I chose to leave and when I looked back, it wasn't really a friendship but a "safety in numbers" thing sort of a survival in high school concept. Anyway, back to my day.

I was already late. I was tired when I got to school. I was going to leave some stuff at my locker when BAM! My face was smeared into the corridor. That hurt. I kind of had a clue to who did it. It was Andre, Andre Augustin. He kind of just gave me a shove while he was passing by, just to know that he was keeping checks on me. Damn, I hate that guy. He was part of the old gang. He was basically the one everyone picked on. I don't know what happened then. I was the jerk then. I always kept coming at him, criticizing him whenever I had a chance. One day though, I went too far. He snapped I tell you. He erupted on me. I was caught by surprise, it was the first time he did that. I realized what I had done and I apologized but even though he said it was okay, things were never the same. He joined those people who were popular in the campus, he changed. I knew him more than anyone. He wasn't like that. Not like that at all.

As of that moment, my reputation was known. I was a nobody now. No peer group, no friends and assholes on my back.

By lunch time, I was getting a bite to eat when suddenly, someone grabbed me by the arms and turned me around and I was face to face with the man himself.

"What are you doing here?" Andre said.
"I'm just getting lunch"
"You know, people like you need to know respect. People like you make way when you see people like us".
I saw them. I took a good long look at them. He was with his usual gang of goons.
"It's a free country" I replied.

"Oh, you think that you can survive here?" and then, I was pushed back to the wall. "Let me tell you something, it's survival of the fittest here. You either live by the rules or you won't survive" and he walked away but before that, he turned his head towards me and gave me a smirk and said "You taught me that" and he was gone.

I stumbled to my feet and wiped off the blood from my nose. He was right. It is survival of the fittest. I was alone in a world where there is safety in numbers and yes, I did teach him that.

Finally, it was time to go home. I got my stuff and went out. I walked down the old road my old gang used to take. I missed them; Miles, Gi, Stein, Em even Andre. The thing is everyone had their own paths. Miles was transferred to another school. Gi was promoted to the higher learning curve. Stein was in a home study program and Em? I really don't know. He was always very private. As for Andre, well, I told you already. I went back to the old hangouts we went to. The basketball court, the diner, the network place and the old house we all hung out in. I had a lot of fun back then but there was something missing. It was like a routine. I guess I needed more action after all, this is high school.

It started to rain when I was about 3 blocks away from home when all of a sudden, an arm grabbed me and I was thrown into an alley.
"I told you, live by the rules or you won't survive." That voice!
Andre!

I opened my eyes and I was surrounded by Andre and his goons. At a snap of his fingers, they picked me up against a brick wall. "Who will come to save you now, 'T-MAT'?" and he punched me in the gut. I felt a whirl of pain in me. It made me want to puke. Then, they dropped me to the cold wet floor. They started kicking me on all sides. I managed to get a look at Andre's face, the face he made that day will haunt me for the rest of my life. He was smiling. He was smiling because he was hurting me. I took all of their insults and all of their kicks, it didn't matter anymore. I brought this upon myself. I made him what he was.

The kicking stopped and I was bleeding badly. I almost passed out. I heard them shout, "Get that drum over here!"

Huh? What are they going to do? I felt a hand picked my head up and I was face to face with Andre.

"You know, I thought of you as nothing but street trash so now, you're going home as one" and in that instant his goons picked up my limp body and dunked me into a drum filled with gunk.

Then just to add to my day, they rolled the drum down the street. It was a rough road. There were bumps everywhere also count the fact that I was in drum full of icky gunk. The ride stopped abruptly as I had hit a fire hydrant. I had no more strength in me. Status report: I was bleeding, wet, full of gunk, no money, lost and to top it all of, it's just the first day!

I crawled from the drum and I tried to limp towards a house or a police station but I can't anymore. I wanted to die right then and there. I was alone. Survival of the fittest, he said. Amen to that. I remembered he called me T-MAT, (that's my nickname by the way.) that was certainly a walk down memory lane. No one has called me that for a long time.

As I limped down the street, I thought "Damn! So many things had gone wrong in a day." So much of my regrets have caught up to me today. What if I didn't turn my back on the gang? What if I wasn't such a jerk to Andre? What if I just learned to know my place? I was woozy now. Can't go on. What time was it? Who cares, I won't make it. I heard the claps of thunder above me. Great. I tried to find cover as fast as I could. Hard to do when your leg has been busted up.

As I was running, a flash of white light caught up to me and I felt a surge of electricity go through my veins. I heard buzzes and crackles around me. Sparks from my fingertips, ringing in my ears, electricity in my body. I can't believe it! I was hit by lightning! Then, I blacked out.

I saw it again in a dream. The smile. That smile of Andre's. I could not figure it out. I did it. It was me. It was all my fault. Damn. I think it would be better for me to just die here. I remembered every insult I said. I wish I could take it back but who can?

I woke up, surprised to see myself alive. I looked around. I was in a white hospital room with diagnostic things all over me. I was too tired to even move. I tried to rest but then, the diagnostic machine goes haywire. The wavelengths go crazy. For a minute, I was afraid but then I couldn't scream, I thought that was it. Suddenly, I felt the same surge run through me last night and then next thing I knew, the diagnostic machine was fried. For about a good 3 minutes, I just stared at it. I was unable to comprehend what happened. Review: On the first day, I was beaten up, dunked in a drum of goo, walked down a street when a thunderstorm shows up, then a white flash and blacked out. I kinda chuckled a little. What a day. I rested my head on the pillow and thought "What happened?"

END OF KID THUNDER CHAPTER 1

God-awful hahaha. I tried to use the Animorph style of writing, using first-person and all but it didn't work haha. Plus the plots and cheesy lines were there cuz I envisioned that he would be my superhero alter-ego hence the mentioning of Tmat which is REALLY something people call me.

Riding the Lightning
5:37 PM

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Old Tales and Stories

It has been one great journey in writing for me.

I began to write stuff, plainly imaginative things, unto MS word during 3rd year after I was inspired by a certain graphic novel a friend of mine introduced me to. This was the time where I came to practice such an art into what it is today, a passion at least, for the time being. I hope I never stop because I have grown so attached to the use of words, creation of characters, weaving of plot elements and the many and much love of my friends who give some of their time to read at an ambitious kid who just wants to tell a story.

Two years, and I look back into the collection of the stories I made from an old folder I stored before I got this new computer which was a year old. Back then, I couldn't play any games in the pc and I stuck to writing most of the time yet now that I have that computer for games, I still find time to write because I enjoy it as much as playing any video game! Isn't that amazing?

Anyways, I found the old stories of mine. They sucked and most of you haven't heard of them but for that particular point in time when I finished a chapter, I was so happy. Many of the people who first critiqued them are busy now with school and greater things yet I do appreciate them, truly, for getting me started. Thanks to James, Joey, Angelica, Berk, Richmond, Manuel and especially to Ryan and Sophia (who continues to read em today). Their comments and remarks make these stories better and better. So for the audience of Musings of an Edging Sanity, I will present some of the best chapters of the past two years. Enjoy

Riding the Lightning
5:26 PM

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Sunday, February 06, 2005
Shadowkeeper to Isaac

"You never really feel the realities until you have bled profusely, alone, in a cold street. It is then at that moment, when Death looks over you, that you realize what you have lived for.

If you have lived a life of success and riches... then you would sooner curse your misfortune of having a premature end. Your material wealth can only serve you in the world of the living. The only thing that you can purchase in death is a good funeral.

For those who lived life in the service of others, I see them weep in regret. For a life that was never theirs was the only life they led. Their wake may be filled with people and friends but they will honor him with his deeds to them, never deeds for himself. They would bless his soul and send their condolences, but what of him? He who never lived a life his own, save that of others?

For those who dreamed but never realized it, they shout in defiance for a life that wasn't merciful. Everyone has dreams yet the ones I see lived in them and drowned in them as well. They plea for another chance, and perhaps they may learn better and find a new force to make them want to achieve their dreams. But second chances are not always present and one shot was all they had. That one chance, they never achieved, they only dreamed, they never realized. I pity them.

Sometimes, I see a mother. And perhaps this is where I see Death in her coldest. A person who has sacrificed so much for the sake of a family's upbringing, that is real love. To sacrifice ambition and independence, for those dear to her heart. To take away such a life, is sacriligeous to humanity and to take it away so early, is a sin.

Still, some accept her as a gift. That Death was a release. But all of the living spite the end of their days, that notion only makes their end more acceptable. So what awaits them in the other side? A religious man would say salvation, a salvation based on hope and faith. Would they find what they await, or was it all just another human reaction, to believe in something to save themselves, never to aceept that the end is indeed, the end?

Most of all, I see the lone strangers. They wander ways and alleys where no one knew their names. These people followed nothing more than their own will to live. They live to see tomorrow come. They live to embrace the only thing they have. These wanderers walk like shadows or ghosts, they live no man's life, only to themselves. It is therefore honorable for them to have died and had a complete life, or to die early and say they have lived a life solely for them. They are selfish -justifiable- because they wander alone.

But as there are people who end their journeys, there are still those who trek their own, in a path uncertain as the depths of the sea. Life goes on. Those alive would curse, rejoice or say nothing at all but in the end, she will wait for them as I watched them. Their end will all be the same, into the eternal nothingness and the last second of their human lives will define them, whoever they may be."

Shadowkeeper to Isaac

Riding the Lightning
5:01 PM

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