The Lonely Road

Wednesday, March 30, 2005
Reading Through Conspiracies

I have this weird habit of surfing the net for things that people will not give a second thought about, my personal favorite would be Conspiracy theories. Yeah I know, most of you are thinking crazed rambling idiots going out on the streets with their signs "ARMAGEDDON DRAWS NEAR" but really, most conpiracy analysts are actually educated people who back up their theories with proof. It's fascinating really and even more, intriguing because as I was reading them, it opened up a lot of thoughts and possibilities of what's going on in our world; more specifically, how far mankind can push the limits.

Of course, I think everyone who has ever watched the news have already known about biological diseases. Yeah, Saddam Hussein and the Gulf War kind of thing but here's where it gets interesting, I had this idea for Syndicate Wars one day about creating a disease that is selective in nature, like a disease that only affects a certain kind of people -ultimate genocide weapon- get me? But then when I looked into it, there really was such a thing but it is unbeknown to most people.

What if I propose to say that AIDS was actually a genetically altered virus strain? I got the link here if you are interested but all I'm saying is, maybe the disease that has taken the lives of millions of people worldwide may be created from our own hands. Interesting eh? So I wonder what else we are capable of. Tell me, if such a thing goes widespread, how far is armageddon really?

http://www.abovetopsecret.com/pages/aids.html

Something to think about

Riding the Lightning
4:38 PM

>>>

Tuesday, March 29, 2005
A Quiet Day of Contemplation

There is a funny thing about summer. For some odd reason, people get all reflective; maybe because of the boredom or the fact that another year is coming and we are thinking about what to do and what we've done to get to this point.

Personally, I hate summers. They make me stay at home and think. I don't want to think, it makes me all emotional and stuff ARGH. When you find yourself taking a cold shower in the middle of the day, knowing there is nothing to do, your mind drifts and you start thinking of things you do not want to admit. For me, it was the quiet whisper of old ghosts and for others, it might be a look back on high school and the upcoming changes of college life but all in all, I think everyone goes through the same thing, days of quiet contemplation.

What probably gave me an impact on things was the days when we (Berk, Ryan and JM) had announced that they were going to be writing again. Berk is going to write this series called Survivor Afghanistan, a sequel to his first reality series story. Ryan will be writing his Star Light Generator series and JM, well, he's got a lot of projects on the way and I am helping I guess haha, his story will turn out great I'm sure. Ryan and Berk's will too once they come back here. Then there's me, who is writing Dream Machine. Been going back and forth about it everyday, writing, erasing, editting and while my hands may go numb, I'm happy while doing so. I got my first review a few days ago so that really brought my spirits up, heck, I'm writing non-stop again which jsut brings me back to great memories.

There was this one time when JM was talking about putting in a segment involving him, me and berk discussing about our college choices. I won't spoil the contents but it did bring back a certain conversation between me and berk during our more...earlier years.

Don't get me wrong, Berk and I go way back but we didn't really talk with each other. He was more of an acquaintance back then. During those times, I was one those geeky people that sat in one corner and drew stuff. That time, I drew these god-awful dungeon maps on pad paper and let people play them out roleplaying style. Well, when I look back, it was so dorky for me hahaha I mean really, I was a kid with a big imagination and I got people to play those things but what Berk told me was that he was one of those players and up until this time, he still had that memory. It shocked me for real that he still remembered me as the infamous (hehe) Dungeon Master but more importantly, he told me that I had indirectly influenced him to write.

I've read Berkeley's stories and I've heard how he plays things out, and I found a certain feeling towards them that reminded me of those dungeon master days. Before I knew, it was he who got me started. If it wasn't for him, I wouldn't be writing at all because I had no one to align myself with so to speak. But when he told me that I got him started -somewhat- all those years, the news came all too shocking. It was funny when you think of it, two people meeting when they were little kids then having their paths cross again in their more teenage years. What's more, realizing that we both believed in the same thing and found out that we have built the foundation so early on without even knowing it.

It's weird how things are. We are somehow tied to things we cannot really comprehend. For me, meeting Berk, Ryan and JM did make a difference and who knew that there was this hidden history even before a friendship started? It's really something to think about in my case. Would I have kept writing if it was a solo effort without their help? Maybe, maybe not but right now, I'm content that things turned out like this. Wouldn't have it any other way.

Something to think about.

Riding the Lightning
9:05 PM

>>>

Saturday, March 26, 2005
Learning to Forgive Myself

I might be alone, but that doesn't change the fact that I still breathe.
I might be alone, but that doesn't stop me from loving anyone.
I might be alone, but that doesn't stop the world from spinning.

I might be alone, but I have friends who wander with me.
I might be alone, but I have the freedom to write my own story.
I might be alone, but I know that someone might care one day.

I might be alone, but I can make it
I might be alone, but I can still breathe
I might be alone, but my heart is still pumping
I might be alone, but I am still walking
Walking into the horizon, with a true smile on my face.

"Why must be the grieving be so short and this life so long?"
Simple. Because life offers hope, redemption and forgiveness.

Riding the Lightning
4:29 PM

>>>

Thursday, March 24, 2005
Loss of Me

I got a song yesterday. It's called Loss of Me, a magnificent and poignant piano piece out of the Final Fantasy Series. I almost cried yesterday because it was the only time when I had to hear my own voice say to me that I have become lost in myself that I couldn't feel anything but my own silent cries.

Someone talked to me about it yesterday (you know who you are) and maybe that one concern prevented me from breaking down. It was odd for me to say the least, that someone wanted -for once- to hear my problems since I've spent my young life hearing everyone else's. The sentiment was welcome but I regret that I did not take the gesture to warmly. When asked what was going on, I kept silent for the most part... I didn't know how to explain... I didn't know whether I should have told because it resides far too deep in me that I am afraid -ever afraid- of letting anyone inside my inner sanctum. No one has to see it, it's my problems, my demons and no one would understand such things. It goes out that I am lost and I might never find my way back in one piece. Some things, I left behind and some other things taken from me.

I could live the lie for as long as I want but the truth will always remain that no one would rescue me, try as they might, I am one not to be rescued... I created my own hell and no one has to do my time. I'm just waiting for things to be taken away from me, maybe then I'd find peace or at least, rid myself of the burdens and inch myself closer to the truth that I will never be happy but that is something I have gotten used to, something given.

Things change, like autumn leaves; they wither and die but with the hope that Spring breathes them back to life once again. I don't know. Change is strange isn't it? You can change in a blink of an eye and find yourself lost in past, present and future without any hope of emerging anything resembling yourself when you came in and yet... we still live. I find peace in that; that I am still living and that there is always that hope of emerging, perhaps, into a better man

Riding the Lightning
6:36 PM

>>>

Wednesday, March 23, 2005
Isolation

I am alone today at my home. The stillness is overwhelming as the setting sun begins to drop quietly over the horizon of buildings just outside my window. If there was a God, I'd have believed that he was present there, since the scene was so beautiful only God would have the heart to have made it. But the setting sun only reminded me of things that I usually try to deny myself of. Things such as warmth and sentiments, things that make me confused and hurt me like so many knives. The red sun only showed how things have changed in my horizon, as it sets, I reconcile with myself with the fact that tomorrow will be another day and tomorrow will just bring me closer to the truth.

I have longed to love once again for a supposed someone but every tomorrow just erases the fantasy for I have lived long enough in my own world and romances and often, tomorrow's reality comes like a glass splinter embedded on my side. I feel like I am standing in front of a mirror just as it shatters to millions of pieces, tomorrow comes a splinter at a time, hurting, leaving wounds, waking me from my dream. Was it so wrong to dream of happiness? To wake myself everday, to realize that the happiness I dreamt of was nothing. It hurts, like so many broken hearts.

How come I still have this romance when I know nothing will ever bear fruit in such an endeavor? Why am I always the fool to believe in love... when I openly scorn the fact that such a thing exists. There should never be an emotion that can do such things, never. Something so powerful, it can destroy dreams and leave scars that can never be healed. You wake alone and cold, not feeling anything, not even in your heart and everyday, the warmth fades a little more. I don't know anymore, maybe I am alone, maybe there was never a person for me but why do I even ask. I have always been alone. Why deny it? why deny reality when everytime you dream, you know that you will hurt? I want the hurting to stop, I want it to end but no, something inside me keeps the fire still burning. If there was a God who could create great sunsets, I pray to Him now, that I stop the feeling because it hurts too much, it has left so many scars and so many bitter memories that I have forgotten the fact that I have much to live for.

I've had enough of encouragements. People never seem to know what they're talking about and yet, they want to say that "things will be okay" when they really aren't. So you keep living and dreaming of happily ever after but that's a joke just like you, mine and everyone else's sorry-excuse-of-an-existence. Point is, you are born alone and you will die alone; Life and Death. What makes life so great for people anyways? the right circumstances. Ignorance is bliss, I wish I had never loved, I wish that I have never felt so much for one person that I would give everything to see her smile -to see that I am worth something- but no, these things did happen and every tomorrow after that just says the same thing "You were a fool. You were never of any significance to anyone." And I hide from this voice, along corridors of fake smiles and happy expressions. This is not the truth I want to face. This is not the facts I want to accept. But this is was reality, and how much more can I escape it, when tomorrow brings the knowledge that I am still alone and I still hear the voice.

No one hears me. No one ever does.

Riding the Lightning
8:22 PM

>>>

Sunday, March 20, 2005
Secrets

As I was writing Dream Machine, I noticed and entertained myself with the various themes I was touching upon, but most importantly, I found it essential to go into the characters and themes themselves and try to divulge things, to make them better. For the most part, I was writing about secrets and their almost too alluring aspects and I later realized that -well- there are some things that aren't worth exploring.

What are secrets anyway? A piece of information sworn by word never to be told? Yet there are some people who live secret lives, I should know; I am one of those people. People who never reveal more than needed to be. Often, for protection or security. But what I find that I should always keep a part of myself, for myself, may not apply with other people. In every human being, there's this urge to know things, it begins when you are a child and as we grow, our thirst to understand everything grows more and more. Human nature, perhaps? or human curse?

I have been pondering on the concept of questions and answers ever since I read From A Buick 8 by Stephen King. If you watch those monster movies, you always have the basic formula of scientist and monster, the old Frankenstein story. We stumble upon something that we do not understand or seek to dissect and as we go deeper and deeper into the truth, we find ourselves battling the very thing we sought to resolve. Mary Shelley may have stumbled upon the very concept of man and science in Frankenstein's story; that we are our own demons in a way, fueled by our hunger for something insatiable. A man craved immortality and did so by breaking the boundaries of human rights by defecating human corpses and stringing them into a monster -of his same name- only to have it ultimately rob him of everything. Is this our fate?

Really, how far is Frankenstein from Nuclear weapons? We created the nuclear bomb to end world war 2 yet even now, there is a silent arms race for the same thing. Possible even, to erase us. We asked ourselves how would we end the war and we gave ourselves an answer, yet now, our answer seems to have backfired and now, we question ourselves once again. We, as people, have struggle with our demons, they are our secrets. They are secrets known only as you sit in a lonely room with only your thoughts to accompany you. They whisper softly in one ear and vanish completely in the other, leaving you with did I really think that. Is it worth to seek answers to everything, for the sake of satisfaction?

The real story of Genesis dictates that Adam and Eve weren't cast out of paradise because they disobeyed God, but instead, God didn't want them to eat off the tree of life since they alerady partook of the tree of knowledge. If ever they did eat off the tree of life, they would be no different from God, and of course, God was aware of this and so, we -mankind- are mortal. If we were immortal, what would stop us really, from becoming God? Nothing. We now have the power to destroy our world a thousand times over yet we do not stop there, we keep searching for things that seemingly form out of the air. Did we really sacrifice immortality for knowledge... did we? Did we give up our lives for the sake of knowing? Did we -in fact- sell our souls to learn every secret there is?

How far are we from heaven when we have dug ourselves too deep, trying to find answers in the sand?

Riding the Lightning
11:37 PM

>>>

Friday, March 18, 2005
A Musing

Okay, summer officially started and to kick things off, my friends and I, XS peeps and blockmates alike, met up at 129 for a good dota game. It was cool, got some kills here and there but apparently, team brings victory and my team wasn't doing all to well cuz of hangovers or whatever.

But anyways, I have begun writing GHOSTS once again, officially. YES! It's fun, I got the layout all done yesterday for Dream Machine and I dreamt on the idea for the new Syndicate Wars since that series was all messed up. In any case, Dream Machine will feature where I left things off with Scion and the other Orphans and though I will be screaming my brains out trying to put it all together, I still think it's a story worth letting other people know. It's cool, I'd suggest you read it if you can bear it hahaha, everyone says its good anyways.

It is now officially 4 years since I began writing. There were those sucky stories I made that weren't finished and now, I find myself in the same course only with more concrete goals of actually finishing what I have been writing. Don't ask me, I think every aspiring writer gets those periods when he's far into the story then he stops and thinks that the story sucks after all but what differs is that there are stories that do finish and stories that don't, I intend to finish. So, four years to cook up a story AND get started, sounds good, wouldn't have it any other way. Of course, my friends support me and they really think I can do this (right? or am i kidding myself?) if this story doesn't attract the eyes of other people, I guess it wouldn't matter but I would really want other people to read it and give an opinion about it, it makes it feel that your writing was worthwhile and if they learn something new from your story, all the better.

GHOSTS... a story with so many emotions attached and I seem to be coming to this story for four years, never letting it go. So maybe this is a story meant to be finished. With the cast of the Orphans (who resemble my friends oh so much) and their personal demons and society, how can I pry myself from stopping? I don't know about you but writing your story has a special pride attached to it that seem to say that "This is my story, let it be told" so I always encourage my friends to write just as they encourage me.

Berk indirectly encouraged me to write. He is the creator of Mirage, FN, and all sorts of works I coulndn't compare myself to and then there's Ryan, who is just beginning the practice creating for himself, the Star Light Generator Series. I hope I get to know more of these people as I trek through life. And sure, my meager GHOSTS series may not compare with great stories by the bigwigs of literature, but it's enough really, to be recognized of a story you made. Eh, maybe I just want recognition.

But then, doesn't everybody?

Riding the Lightning
7:09 PM

>>>

Wednesday, March 16, 2005
Storm has Subsided

Today, it is over. The first year of college is done and what a finish it has been. Math was a wishy-washy thing I got over with. Amidst the test, our prof gave us our standing, I -by luck that shines oh so bright- got a C. Yes, a C. I thought I had a D but then, luck shines on the wicked, and I am one wicked sonuvagun. With a renewed spirit to fight my nemesis, FINALS COMMENCED.

It was grueling, I felt my brain bleeding. The questions ranged from hard to somewhat-too-easy-to-be-true. Go figure, things happen but I know for sure, I am NOT failing Math. I'll get a C or a D at the lowest extremes.

After Math, came Lit finals which was a breeze except for my swollen fingers. I got my Physics score, C+ and if given consideration, I might get a B. A consideration of say... +.3 to my grade? But in any case, what are you -the reader- going to be interested in in reading about my academic life? No fun there unless, well, you like academics which is... well... um... weird. So on to the cool stuff that happened.

I had my first car accident today. Now before any of you, sing your praises of joy to my near demise, I AM WRITING HERE so I AM ALIVE. As I was driving, I was just recovering from two finals and sugar levels are crashing so you can imagine how I was dropping. I had a sugar high cuz I had to keep myself focused throughout the test, in which I did so by consuming a whole Mentos grape bar (?) so I was driving, then there was this corner where a truck was coming out of. The road was open and the truck wasn't moving so I floored it and as I did, the truck started moving and BAM! My side mirror collided with the front of the truck and it well, got bent. The truck sped off and I checked for damages. Funny thing was, Nothing was broken. No mirrors shattered, no door destroyed, heck the truck drove away fast and didn't press charges.

I was told that I became an 80% driver now because I had my first car accident. Yey me. But really, had I been slower, the truck would've caught me head-on. If the truck had been faster, the side of the car would have been destroyed. Point is, I didn't die, had my first accident and made off without serious damages. How's that for luck?

In other news, Summer has begun. We got a wide array of stuff planned. Like the overnight, Silent Hill Marathon, Block trip to Batangas and hopefully, Sophia, we can watch a movie haha. Dream Machine and Syndicate Wars will be done and reviewed. I'm going to turn Carpool into a comic and going to submit it to Palanca nominations to get myself a free lunch! How about that? Wicked eh? There's also the fact that Gali and Berk's film will continue this summer, looking forward to that but Ryan will be off to Italy going inside canals and... stuff.

The storm subsides over the troubled waters, but a storm of my design is just beginning to swell. Ride the Lightning, dudes. This storm is ours!

Riding the Lightning
6:39 PM

>>>

Tuesday, March 15, 2005
The Calm

There was this old Indian saying (no, I think it was from som signboard out in the street) that said the storm comes to its most violent phase just before it passes... or something. But guys and girls, I think we've all seen Day After Tomorrow and that scene where everything goes into deep freeze before the storm passes tells it all, hell is closest by the end of turbulence.

Which in turn, my storm may be passing but it comes to a most violent ending. Tomorrow, it's math finals and I have done everything there is to be done. All that is left is to study the subject which has given me helpful doses of self-loathing twice a week. I have survived the first onslaught in first sem and made off with a C and apparently, Math God didn't like it. So in this sem, I got it good, I now stand on a D and tomorrow's finals will decide my fate.

If I do pass the finals, I will get a D or possibly a hopeful C for the second semester and I would have triumphed over this god-forsaken subject. On the otherhand, failing this merits me an F and down I go for the count. I do not want to fail any subjects in my first year of college, not going to happen. So it comes down to judgment day tomorrow, 11:30 to 1:30, 2 grueling hours with my nemesis since grade school. The Calm comes today as I write and prepare for the test at hand, the finality of this wretched storm comes into a clashing conclusion tomorrow.

THE STORM ENDS TOMORROW, BY MY PENCIL AND CALCULATOR

Riding the Lightning
6:19 PM

>>>

Saturday, March 12, 2005
Summer Beckons

Do you here the final roars of the passing storm? Of fading thunder and passing destruction? Yes... Summer comes and with it we come to the violent eye of the storm...

In other words....

MATH FINALS

"Keep Riding that Lightning!"

Riding the Lightning
2:22 PM

>>>

Wednesday, March 09, 2005
Eat Lightning!

If people are wondering why I keep referring to storms and lightning in things, I think I wrote it down in an entry a few weeks ago... couldn't remember but anyway, a huge stroke of luck happened to yours truly. Yes, my luck seem to strangely configured to always get me out of small jams like, multiple choice questions, dice rolls in monopoly, almost crashing the car in more than one occassion, getting a lucky hit in computer games, and all sorts of things you'd be pissed off at (ask Stan) but... BUT today, was when luck shined the most.

PHYSICS LT IS TAKE-HOME

woohoo! Hear that? Take-home. I don't have to stay in school for 4 hours and I can study solely for math tomorrow. Sure, math and I don't get along at all but I want to at least get by this year without a hitch. BCP can eat lightning!

Riding the Lightning
10:46 PM

>>>

Monday, March 07, 2005
Hell Week Intro

"And then college created Hell week and the students dropped dead"

Yeah man, it's back like so many bad memories. Ever had a dream of two fat hairy guys making out in their bathing suits? Well, Hell week is worse cuz you can still wake up screaming your head off in sheer terror in a dream but in hell week, you wake up screaming your head off in sheer terror but with work to do.

ahahaha, yes, Marty has gone over the line and it is evident by the way I am referring to myself as a third person. Yes, Marty go loco.

We got ourselves 4 contenders to the biggest shit to hit the fan. First up, Poetry which comprises of a project by friday, an LT on wednesday, Finals and a Lit Paper due next week all for a whopping --->55+% of our grades! Fun stuff but wait, there's more.

Next, we have Filipino Papers and English Papers. English teacher is heartless, the damn hippie. A paper due every other day and guess what, I got my first C in a paper, crazy, said I was being to consumerist in my review essay on pizza! What the hell do I write? Pizza for the Soul? Hippie's on weed, holmes. His mind's in all sorts of crazy. Filipino, got some more papers, easy save for my vocabulary. Hate writing in Filipino, im pretty sure that this country will get erased in the future with everyone leaving this god-forsaken pimple in the pacific.

Third and the runner up, Physics. Yes, the inevitable P word. Third LT this friday, 4 hour test. Same problems, teacher and studying but now, we gotta use our hands to understand currents and fields, try it, right hand rule shit. Figured, you don't understand either. Hope I pass his 5 unit course.

Finally, MATH. The OTHER four letter word that hurts. I have a standing of D in Math, last LT on thursday and Finals next week. Hope I do well. Oh wait, couldn't wouldn't, so I'll just try to survive with what little brain matter I have left. Jao was right, why can't we just lock all them mathematicians in a dungeon and have them do life making their equations? Make the world a better place.

Aside from that, consolation of the week---> Dream Machine v2 chapter one is ready. I'll start sending it once Hell Week blows over. Really fun stuff, story is now clearer. To those people who I chat with me and talk about angst, rage and frustrations:

Ryan, don't listen to me, you know I'm running on half a mind

Charmie, learn to smile more, you got a pretty face

Richmond, thanks dude, you got me where I am today

And to those who don't talk to me about their miserable lives, please remember, I can relate and will be really glad to hear any frustrations and angers you might be suffering from. I live on the stuff, what can I say? Ride the Lightning, dudes. This is some storm we're in.

Riding the Lightning
11:09 PM

>>>

Sunday, March 06, 2005
Isaac Matthews at Work

I hate therefore, I still live. I live because my anger and despair deem to keep the blood pumping through my life-giving veins. There is no rest for me in this god-forsaken life. I have no home to call me safe and assured and certainly, no person to love with heart save for the few who endear me with delightful compliments.

There are no stars shining on me, nor any smiles. I am alone as I wander this path which I call life. Life? -no- Life connotes hope and longevity. This, this is suffering. This is the passion of Christ, this the way we walk our lives. We endure our crown of thorns, our vanities. We have our scars from lashings, our past that haunts us. Finally, we have our crosses, the burden of our living. How is it we still suffer while people scorn us, ridicule us, criticize us? Why, for there is hope in the end. Salvation...in death.

We are born alone and die alone yet why is there a need for a human touch? Does it define us or merely anchors us? I wonder. We please our peers to accept us but if the cost should be our individuality, our sacrifice our truths, what becomes of us but a part? Society is a machine that runs on people as fuel, it is merciless as it burns us to power itself, ever hungry for more people to assimilate. So is why we find reasons to hate the world, to hate the people living in it, -even- to hate ourselves.

Yes I hate, if hate was to be a definition. Hate is not object to love, love objects indifference, hate is merely on the other end of the spectrum. I cannot reside being negligent of everything around me because I am human and this is my life, my world. I have always walked alone in this path, forever contemplating this road which leads to my destiny but how often have I stopped to ponder on a scene of violence and malice wreaked upon by my fellow mankind? We kill each other, we rob people of their oppurtunity and for what? Vengeance...Rage...Greed...Ambition...

Hate

If I were alive before I was born, I'd have dreamed of breathing the air of this earth and I livin in gracious melody to the song of tomorrow. But that's not the case. It has always -always- been a lonely path of suffering. I walk my own road to my end and I carry with me, burdens. I wander into the land of shadows in order to see light from within. I may walk and find it then realize the very thing I have been searching for, definition and fulfillment.

Or I can forever wander in the land of shadows. Them haunting me and whispering to me their own tales of sorrow and despair then finally realizing, I -myself- have become part of them. A mere shadow, whispering, in your ear.

Riding the Lightning
12:07 AM

>>>

Thursday, March 03, 2005
Dream Machine and Hell Week

I'd like to start first by inviting bloggers out there to the bloggathon challenge created by my friend. Basically a gritty writing challenge wherein one has to post blogs by restrictions everyday. Topic will be dictated and such. We give 100 bucks to start and winner take all.

So what's on my mind... still have a crush I can't do anything about, still in school, still alive. But the thing that's bothering me is the fact that I can't frickin write Dream Machine. Everything in my head just exploded right after christmas break followed by a consecutive array of hell weeks, courtesy of math and physics. Plot got so messy that I was so disgusted whenever I opened it that I couldn't write it anymore. So what I'm planning to do was redo the whole thing. Yes people, I am redoing it, not like you care, you don't read it haha but I'll say whatever the hell I want so sit back, and read about my life else, go somewhere else to invest your time in :P

Dream Machine, I will remake. Writing in blogs and short stories has given me a better perspective on how to write this friggin thing. Different thing with this from the 1st story was that Manuel helped me cook up the story of Syndicate Wars but I haven't talked to Manuel in ages (miss you buddy) and there is no one who can dish it out like he can. Dream Machine will then be a story I will create by myself and I just love the story in my head but I can't bring it out in words somehow. I often have this dream where me and some of my friends would gather around a campfire and swap stories and I would tell the GHOSTS story to them and it would last for hours, like in the olden times with storytellers in marketplaces. Hahaha, storytelling is an artform in itself you know.

Aside from Dream Machine, BCP has reared its fucking head again. Next week, we got papers and tests; the shit has hit the fan. Last night, I dreamed I was drowning in a sea of papers, strangely, my english teacher was looming over the papers laughing maniacally. A sign of things to come? probably. But papers don't bother me too much, it's the math and physics test I'm worried about. Math, my average is D, no doubt about that. Thing is, I get the lesson, just not the test, sablay? yeah, king of it. Physics, I'm pretty sure I'm passing. Passed first two LTs, gave all homeworks and stuff and prof's going to doctor the grades... tomorrow will reveal what my class standing is, it would be good if I get a C at least. Next week though, we got a Physics test, skip a day, then Math test and all the while, got english paper due all week, throw in a little thing called Filipino Investigative report, a dash of Filipino Book Report and you got a recipe for disaster. A dish I call Hell Week.

So between all this crap, I still got the sulks. Man, the lack of endorphines is going to be the end of me. They say you keep going on positive energy but in my case, I'm running on negatives. Life is defined by Suffering and that Suffering comes from our Desire. Yes, I do desire something hence, I suffer. Every fucking day I suffer. If there is any consolation to this thing is that, well, I can't say it out here. Leave you to find out

Riding the Lightning
6:20 PM

>>>

Tuesday, March 01, 2005
Dry Eyes Never Learned to Cry

Dry eyes never learned to cry. They only see yet they never feel, these are my eyes. Or are they?

I hate to use cliches but Ifind no better time than to use one, "My life sucks" It's like I have nothing to look forward to. Writing is the only thing I have that is worth my while.

I was always afraid of this day. The day I would find myself alone with no one but myself because at this time, I get to hear the voice within me that points and laughs. I don't feel like going home anymore, it doesn't feel like home, matter of fact, I feel robbed of that sense. I have no one to go to, no one to turn to. I didn't let that bother me but now it raps on the door of my innermost sanctuary. Why does it hurt -this loneliness- again... why does it hurt still? When I did all I could to let things go, I still find myself with shattered pieces of the past. Pieces that were sharp, of which when I hold I bleed; the more I hold on tightly, the more I hurt so why? Why when I left these pieces I find myself still carrying them in my bloodied hands... They hurt too much. Why now?

People who I sought relief from -I don't know- whether they could help anymore. The one light I had was the hopen of a new blossoming love -but- I kid myself with illusions and dreams, once again. No, she does not see me. I am a ghost who whispers yet never speaks so loud to be worthy of attention. I learned this lesson once but I paid no heed. I am a fool, a coward and a liar. I fooled you all to think that I have never hurt, never frowned, never cried. It was a lie for I bled wounds, was stolen of smiles and cried softly in corners never ventured. I never let people know and why would they care? I'm just another person, nothing special; a heart, skin, eyes, hands, lips... I am no different from anyone else so why hear just another voice? Why waste your time? They never know. They never knew who I really am; Dry eyes that never learned to cry.

Riding the Lightning
6:01 PM

>>>