The Lonely Road

Tuesday, June 28, 2005
Four Short Lives

"I load a silver, metallic bullet unto a gun as I stood in front of the mirror and raised it to my temple. The nozzle was cold just as the sweat that started to trickle down my hair, my cheeks then to my neck. The thought was so tempting as my finger found the trigger; one move was all it would take, a slip of the hand, a sudden pulse, a conscious thought. It would be so easy to pull, to release, to bleed then ultimately die. My mind ran thoughts in black and white, like a film about my timely death as I stared at the man behind the mirror, who was smiling back at me; eager to die. I think again and decided to put down the gun but as I did, the man behind the mirror didn't. He only smiled."

"Her body was lifeless. She was floating on water. People would think she had drowned but she hasn't. She jerks her head up and gasps for air and curses for she still lived. The clear blue water would be such a calm escape for her turbulent reality of love, rejection -- life. She wanted the calmness of ocean to silence her constant screams of anguish, muffled by her tear-soaked pillows every night. Her scream would not be hear amidst the deep blue of water, it would fill her lungs and render her dead, unable to speak -- or scream -- any longer. A deep blue dream."

"A streak of crimson across his wrist was all it would take. Love had made him warm and rejection had made his blood cold. His heart was of stone and lead, black as coal, hardened like steel. He swore to never love but broke his promise. He swore to never love again but broke his promise and it left him with no one but himself and a new scar across his heart, etched forever in stone like the words on a gravestone. He seeks to never feel, to never feel the blood in his veins rush through him as he blushed to his lover, as he held her hand, or as his lips touched hers, to never again feel the warmth of his lifeline flow through him in another futile endeavor to find someone true. Knife in hand, he cuts his wrists and feels the warm blood rush out of him and dips his hand in cold water to numb the feeling of warmth. Finally, he sleeps -- cold"

"Television was on, she sat on a chair. It was friday night, she brought out the chips. No light in the room, no one was there to see. The power went out, everything turned black. She hears voices, but no one was there. A crash she heard, her heart starts to skip. She hears the snicker of wolves, men inside her home. A slap across her face, she didn't see it coming. She felt hands violate her, she began to cry. Her screams echoed in the dark, no one heard her. Her tears stained the floor, darkness kept them hidden. The men laughed, she couldn't count how many. She felt their lust, like animals in a frenzy. After they had their way, they all circled around her and beat her like a bitch. Her bone snapped, her muscles were bruised, her time was up, she was crying all the while. She wakes up, it was all a dream, in front of the TV, she must have fallen asleep. She hears them laughing, she felt the pain, she wanted to run but towards where? There was no light in her home, no guiding way. The power went out, that's all I have to say."

Just a few thoughts during the day...

Riding the Lightning
4:18 PM

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Monday, June 20, 2005
Bats and Roads

AWESOME!

in one word, is Batman Begins. If that wasn't a prime masterpiece of cinematography, then I dare say, the movie industry is full of shit. God, I've never thought I'd see Batman as the Legendary Dark Knight in the movies, that Batman resides only in the hearts of many comic book fans and seeing it on film was just... just... I can't find any words for it! I wouldn't mind living like Batman, you know. The loneliness of his cause, the torments of his pains, the riches he has, I wouldn't mind that kind of life at all. I'm ready for my costume please. I can't wait until he squares off with the Joker, a villain in my top ten.

Aside from Batman, I have also began rethinking about my whole point of writing. After some time recently, I started to doubt WHY I was writing. Honestly, I think it started with attention. I wanted attention and being the person who I am, I am not comfortable at all with letting people know who I am so I found writing, and it caught some eyes and for the time, I wrote for the attention... one day, I confronted that feeling of mine and tried to see if I can write only for my sake.

I found it inadequate.

I started to think that maybe I was writing for all the wrong reasons (Thank God to JM that he still believes that I am meant to do it and gives the most help) I admit, even if I say that what I write is for my personal joy, deep down, I think I'm not writing from my heart because of the fear that I may reveal too much so I manipulate my words and sentences to seek the approval of those who do read them. It was for the wrong reasons hence that whole month of empty inspiration.

I began to write because of a certain pain coming deep from inside my soul that never seems to rest; an inkling feeling that keeps me up at night; a nightmare neverending; a tear never drying. Writing invokes the feeling of pain and agony I endure as I wake up in the morning and see that I, as well as others, live in an imperfect world with imperfect people all of whom seek a piece of heaven promised and fulfilled only at the time of our demise. So many things I've fallen out of. Imagine you started on something so beautiful and later on, after a few years or stories, you find yourself as a person who wasn't the same anymore and more over, the thing that was so beautiful, the thing you chased after seem to fade out because you have lost your light.

*Sigh*

Why do I write? I started to question it again and I found my answer again. It may not be the exact same thing as the first time, but I learned a little more about things I never really understood the first time around. Why do I write? Me to know

You to find out

Riding the Lightning
4:45 PM

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Saturday, June 18, 2005
A Slow Culmination

I'm having that feeling again, that numbing feeling I get whenever I remember something painful.

This past week was the beginning of school and I don't know, I wasn't feeling up to waking up most of the time. I was more sarcastic than ever which meant something was up because let's just say my sarcasm is an early warning device for another melancholic episode.

One night though, something weird happened. I was lying on the bed and finding myself unable to sleep; just like many other nights when my mind isn't in the right place. I kept thinking about the past and more importantly, one important person in the past. My hands clasped together and I began to pray and it felt weird, I haven't prayed for a long time and mean it but for that night, I prayed genuinely. Honestly, I prayed for Joey out of most people. Even if I say that I've moved on, there is always that inkling, that hook, that keeps you connected to the past and as it tugs at your heart, it leaves a little scar. I always pray for her and even I don't know the reason, I just do. Maybe because there was a time when we were friends and for that time, I listened to problems, problems that I now understood in my own life and my own understanding. I thought I was living the "good" life and it was "perfect" but I learned it wasn't, I was ignorant just as I was ignorant of her most of the time. I think I began writing because of her, honestly. I wouldn't be who I am if I didn't meet such a wonderful person. And so, I always pray for her even if she doesn't hear my voice.

I also read some letters of mine from our DWTL and Senior's Retreat. I felt warm when I read those letters. We had this activity where you have 10 post-its and you put traits on it that you really admire in a person and you stick it on him. I remember the minute I got up, my friends stuck the post-its on me at the same time, I almost fell back down. Heck, if I was going to fall down, I was glad because it was out of something good. I got a lot of those post-its and even more, I felt that I was a true person to my friend's lives. They told me one thing, I was a true friend and I loved the feeling of them saying so. It makes me worth it.

There was also this activity with poker chips. You have this stack of poker chips each with a certain value which depicted your standing with friends. I remembered that I gave my highest chip (blue chips) to James and Gerome, for the lessons and adventures we shared. But the amazing thing was, I received the most blue chips out of everyone. I was rich! I had the most poker chips and they were already overflowing off my hand. It was weird...

Finally, there was this activity called 5-Man Jury. We get these self-assessment slips and pass it to five people who would be a judge of your character. There were two types of judging: Strengths and Weaknesses. Here were the results:

Positive Traits:
I rated myself with 43
Judges rated me with 44.4

Negative Traits:
I rated myself with 25
Judges rated me with 11.8

How far have I fallen? I don't know for sure. The better question is, have I fallen at all? Does a heartbreak mean that something "bad" has happened? Does me getting cold and bitter mean that I have done something wrong? I don't really think so. God has his way and I do not doubt that I went through these past experiences for nothing. For now though, I remember them and how I felt during those times. Even if things will never work out with Joey and I, I'll always pray for her because she made me who I am and I can't deny that I care. I will always keep my letters from the Retreat because my friends' feelings towards me are forever inscribed there and that gives me enough reason to believe I am worth it.

The smoke dissapates over gray skies

Riding the Lightning
7:56 AM

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Tuesday, June 14, 2005
JUNE 14 2005

After some time I thought it would not happen it was inevitable as change is inevitable in our lives. It has come to the day that Glenn will finally part ways and move to Canada.

I was told of the news after an accidental meeting in 129 Square whilst I was going to network. Apparently, Glenn will be sent off to Canada to live with Manuel and resume his studies there. The chance of him actually going through with it looks good and on August, we might well be on his way to a new life.

Today was the first day of school. There was traffic and it was hot, not a good combination. What's more, Math was going to be everyday, ugh. I really need to shape up again, I've been kinda out of it since, well... I've been out of it for a whole year. I dunno what's wrong with me, I'm usually up and ready to take up ANYTHING and succeed in it. Maybe I've lost something or forgot something important and it keeps me from being my more "normal" self.

Angelo came to Ateneo today much to my surprise. Angelo is one other friend of mine who moved to the United States sometime last year. It was great to meet him and catch up though I didn't get to spend much time because I had classes. Weird man, it's like people are going away and coming back this past few days. huh

Now here's something to lighten up things.

Myles, Glenn and I on Monday, got lost in Marikina. Apparently, you should never eat and drink while driving as Myles said it. We got lost in the Riverbanks and wasted 3 minutes haha. When we got back on the road, what do you know, they had road repairs in Krame all the way through Santolan. Biding our time, we engaged in a little conversation.

We saw this car that broke down in the middle of the street and the guy was pushing his car to (what luck) a repair shop on the side of the street. I was like, "Wow, what luck! I broke down near a repair shop" and we laughed for a while.

Next we engaged with some political discussions. I said the Philippines would be better off as a Parliament but then Myles disagreed saying its just the same, congressmen and senators with puppets. Glenn agreed to a dictatorship and we all agreed but then everyone here is stupid and corrupt so that won't work so Myles said "MONARCHY!" over... and over... and over... I said, "dude, a monarchy's just a puppet government you know" and he rebutted with, "at least we will have a king and queen and what's so different now anyways?" yeah, dude, you have a good point. MONARCHY!

Finally, I shared my D&D experience with Richmond wherein I had to roleplay a warrior with the mental capacity to communicate with only grunts. That game was weird. I had to roleplay him and I can't open doors because I'm too stupid to actually turn the knob and I just smash eveyrthing in my way but it was good haha.

In future prospects, MY IDOL : THE ONE AND ONLY NEIL GAIMAN IS COMING TO THE PHILIPPINES. I will have my Endless Nights signed and try my best to actually make something for the art competition. And then, BATMAN BEGINS!!! the one and only dark knight's most anticipated film will be showing tomorrow but I'll watch it on Saturday with friends so it's going to be wicked awesome.

That's it for now. Ride the Lightning.

Riding the Lightning
3:03 PM

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Sunday, June 05, 2005
I Want To Get There

I apologize for not writing as of late. There have been many things bubbling silently under the surface. They don't however come up like wildfire, but instead, little sparks inching itself slowly into a slow flame. But I would like to share some things.

One day, my mom asked me to fetch her from her gym. Naturally, I agreed. I was going to pick up a cd from a friend later on though and my mom said that she would drive me there when I fetched her because let's face it, I'd get lost five minutes when I get to EDSA.

It was quiet in the car, you can cut the tension with a knife. My mom and I began to talk for a while about small things about school and my so-called ambitions. I trust my mom a lot, more than anyone else in the family. If I could open up, it would be with her but I wasn't that person anymore... so I stayed quiet most of the time. My mom talked to me to try to at least pick the lock that always seemed to shut my heart away from my family yet from what she says, she seemed to be at a loss. At some point, I felt awful for not being as warm to my family anymore yet in this limbo, at least I can get some peace.

She told me the usual things that picked at my conscience. She told me how my dad really cared for all of us. I believe her, really I do. No matter how much I resent his temper and pride, I know he is a good man. I never once said he hated me because that would be a lie. If I grew up, I would rather be my father than any other person in terms of being a father. He would work even if he's sick just to see things through, I respect that because I myself don't think I can do the things he does.

I could feel my parents are disappointed at times with me because I never see things through. I would go off in another hobby or dream yet never finish it and as I am disappointed in myself, they are too. Many times I think that they have lost hope in me even if I tried my best. I could see it in their eyes whenever I'm doing something. The eyes said "Not again" and it just agravates me to shut them out of my business. That perhaps is where the rift originated. It points to me and what I did.

Each day, I just want to hide. Hide away from this world and from everyone in it, if only to find a sanctuary. To bear with my guilt, my sins, myself for a time until I am reborn and be ready to walk again in my lonely stride. I might not be happy but I want to get there, I want to get there.

Riding the Lightning
8:44 PM

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