The Lonely Road

Saturday, August 27, 2005
An Excerpt of GHOSTS: Origins

The city clouded them in a haze of black and gray, the headlights the only thing shining their way and even then, it seemed that the darkness was consuming the light. The 50^th Junction, they have arrived.

"Well stranger, it has been a quiet three or something days but here we are. Avalon city, just as you asked."

The man stood and walked towards the driver's seat and towards the door but not before saying a meager, "Thanks" to Donald who took the trouble to drive him all this way. He gets a fat roll of bills from his pocket and gave it to him, shaking his hands as he did. The door opens and a gust blew strongly at him, the air was heavy in Avalon.

"I’ll never see you again won't I?"

The stranger stops and turns his head. His eyebrows relaxed and comically gave Donald a sarcastic "maybe" look as he pursed his lip. "Maybe, who knows? Who really does, right? But I think it's best you just forget I was here"

"Why so?"

"Who I am, isn't important. What I am, isn't important. But what I do is and what I will do won't make a lot of people happy."

"Huh. Well, I guess I'll leave it at that. Be seeing you" Donald stops and corrects himself, "I mean, it was nice meeting you –

"Richmond" the stranger said, "My name is Richmond"
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Riding the Lightning
7:49 PM

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Thursday, August 25, 2005
Believing in Magic

Monday, I got my ELC test and failed. Now, the prof announces: Friday is your next test. First thing that ran to my mind was HOLY CRAP and as I raked my hair back in frustration, it dawned on me just how much was at stake in this next test. Probably the dawning threat of failure now hangs above my head like a gray noose, ready to strangle me.

As much as I have prepared, I could only hope and pray (once again) that I will pass this test. It's not the kind of test you can study but instead it's more of a test where you just have to know how to answer everything. Logic ain't my strongest point after so I'm really scared. For the first time in a long while, I am very afraid. Some of my friends though told me not to give up but it's hard to see such feeble hope.

Carlos though, told me something different. He gave me a piece of paper and told me, tear off a piece of that paper whenever you say your going to fail and given up hope. The task is stupid the first time I thought about it, what's the point anyway. Then he said, at the last instance, there will come a time when you cannot tear it any smaller, keep that piece, that is how much hope you have left...

Astounding

And now, I keep the paper close. I tore a lot of it over the week and ended up with a piece of bigger than a potato chip, such small hope. I question it, will it even matter?! Does that small piece of hope hold any meaning at all?! Can I pass this test with such small hope?! I'm going to find out the hard way tomorrow. One thing living taught me, you never get anything easy. This is no different than every other morning I wake up to. Okay Carlos, give me a little hope, let's see if something so small can surmount to something so big. I'm doing my best, I studied as much as I can, I did my end. Can hope push me past the limit?

Right now, I remember... all the heroes I believed in growing up and how they manage to pull a rabbit out of the hat and save the day. Amongst immeasureable odds, they win. Amongst so small hope, they triumph. I grew up in that world and even now, that kind of thinking rules my actions; I know hope lives in such a small amount and from then until recently, I ignored the fact that hope survives amidst adversities, amidst bad guys, amidst doomsday plans. Hope is defined by the hardships we face. I hope for this time though, it might save the day.

You might say I'm making such a big deal out of a test... yet, if you live in a world of problems and troubles, how far am I from hitting the bullseye?

Riding the Lightning
9:14 PM

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Friday, August 19, 2005
Kiss the Bender

So week's over. I think I did kinda bad for the most tests in the past three days, being stressed and worrying about it seems to make me fail tests even more. It's really depressing if you have your spirit broken just after one bad test, I don't want to think that. So I figured that I'll just do better the next time, hopefully by God's graces, things will turn out different.

Basically, ELC test was a flunk and when I finally fathomed the gravity of my prophesized failure, it began to rain as if by coincidental cosmic timing, it began to rain. So I walked along with some blockmates of mine to World Chicken because my dad was going to pick me up there, all the while, little drops of rain poured on my brow. I didn't want to cry, not in front of anyone so I let the rain do the crying for me. When I got into the car though, the heavy rain started pouring but I wasn't outside anymore, I was in the car already, safe and dry. Funny eh? Forgive me, I'm such a fan for theatrics

The internet's been acting funny. LAN card was broken so I got stuck with a replacement crap card and pldt ain't helping either, their dsl service has been really sucky lately. Ah well, hope it turns out better. The YM peeps will have to wait though, I won't be going online all that much until the blasted thing is working so to the guys, girls and people of other orientations, sorry tmat_02 won't be there for a time. Gosh when I think about it, I'd rather talk to people in chat rather than face to face, seems safer for me anyways, I've kinda developed an anxiety with talking to people. I remember back in high school (invoked memory when Angelo came to visit) I had to go to a party and actually talk to people, yeah, that sucked haha. Conversation started with uh...uh...um...uh... so sad plus the fact that you have to deal with awkward silences.

On the upnote, I have a 3 day weekend and also, JM's here! I didn't think JM would be visiting the Philippines so this was a surprise. He met me at Ateneo and told me he's spending a part of his summer here so whee! Resident Evil 4 anyone or Karaoke again? hahaha.

I think more or less, the ECE blocks are starting to bond because of the hardships of ELC Lecture. Normally, I wouldn't even be conversing with some of them but lately, I have. Well, for the people who are having a hard time also, all the smart people can just frolic in sec field for all I care. Damn, we losing people.

I haven't heard from my non-ECE friends a lot. I wonder how they've been doing. Apparently, friendly chit-chat spans only across YM but then, I did meet Richmond, Berk and Ryan on very rare times around Ateneo and they don't fail to impart some funny and interesting insights at every chance. When I met Berk, he was trying to show Marvin an umbrella trick where you flick the umbrella to make it inside-out. When I met Richmond, we were talking about the wonders of broadband internet and continued our pirates vs ninja debate. When I met Ryan, I was asking him to play Japanese in our history thing, got a big laugh out of that.

The small things that happened during the week involved most of my blockmates. I don't know if green is the word I'm looking for but that's basically what the conversations were, green. We have developed a list of innuendos involving food products like; kangkong, ampalaya, hamburger and AC's favorite, Bibingka. Also, during Math class, I was bored out of my mind so AC and I theorized the concept of time travel using derivatives. Apparently, it made sense haha. For the History Filming, I had Marc simulate vomit which was so awesome (it looked real!!!). I also emanated by bitterness on my blockmates which I think is a helpful lesson in learning how to deal with emotional stress (wahahaha). Also, it's funny to think that my birthday reminds Nice of animal sex. Explanation? We were talking about my birthday plans and stuff when Nice suddenly utters, "How do chickens have sex?"

Okaaaaaaaaay...

But I'm not rude, in fact, I told her how and how crabs do it, how snakes do it, how fishes do it (also reason why I don't go to the ocean), how turtles do it, how porcupines *might* do it and so on. No one's forgetting my birthday whenever they think of how animals have sex, no sirrie.

I'm also playing some medieval-ish games. Final Fantasy 9 baby! Old school swashbuckling rpg. You play as prince charming, save the princess and go on a magical adventure. Man, what I'd give to have a life like that, I wonder if things like that will ever resurface in some sort of second renaissance. Doubt it though, when people grow older most of their colorful minds decay to fuddy-duddy gray matter but I can dream can I?

On the sidenote:
Jao, hope you did well in UPCAT and hope you do well in ACET.
Ryan, your tags are weird, the hell's pharmanex?! Are you joining a cult? lol
Myles, Monarchy for the Philippines? Really?
Berk, I might be joining your course soon haha.
Pierre, yeah 4G dota would be cool but really, Farts?
Stan, Accounting and Organic Chem is hard but hey, you can do it.
Sophia, miss you lots, hope we can talk soon. I wonder how you're doing
Charmie, not sure what's going on but hope you don't like... go nuts. Stay safe
Block U, NEVER GIVE UP HOPE, MERON PANG LT 4 AND 5!!!
Future Voting Citizens, Vote me as your Prime Minister (*thumbs up*)

Riding the Lightning
7:27 AM

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Friday, August 12, 2005
Flying on Raven Wings

A lot and I mean, a lot has been happening lately, all of which seemed to have sprouted out somewhere around the time the rainy season started. For one thing, it's been well... different talking with people and maybe because they've changed or I have. Usually, I'd look forward to going online, going to YM and maybe catch a time to chat with friends and stuff but now, it doesn't happen as often. All I hear in YM are lab report meetings, emotional outbursts regarding teenage hardships and questions about dota. Hmm... things have definitely been weird, it's like people around me packed up their things and moved again.

There are still some instances when I do engage in a lengthy conversation like with Pierre and how we reminisced HS friends in dota terms or talking with Berk about making a bad action movie or even with Richmond when we talked about a certain mystery but other than that, it's been quiet and from what I have seen, things are definitely shifting once again. College has made my college friends busy and somewhat distant that I don't seem to know what's going on anymore. For all I know, people are failing, people are getting their hearts broken or people have started a new endeavor, I don't know these things, I feel like I'm left behind.

I guess most of all, I miss something or someone. Everything feels so lonely. At the times I spend waiting for my sundo in the cathouse, I suddenly find myself hushed as I see the whole sky above me dim and more rain start to pour above me. Then I realize that I am so small, tiny, minute, and that I was alone and at that moment, more than ever, it bothered me. I've always thought I could go through everything without loving anyone, that way, I thought I will never be hurt or get hurt but then waiting out in the rain, you realize how cold it really is and how you'd wish that you had someone to be with you to keep you warm. I, on the other hand, preferred a black jacket, with hands in pockets, shivering. That then, I said, "Shit" as I felt my heart, my iced stone heart, possibly start... to melt. It sucks being alone but then I've always been. I never really liked people being inches from me, it makes me uncomfortable, like they're trying to pry something out of me but that's just me.

God, reading this, it's such gibberish. Who cares right? Sorry I wasted your time, I'm really not in a good mood.

Riding the Lightning
11:51 PM

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Thursday, August 11, 2005
Burning with Impassionate Grace

D-Day has arrived. I think everything will rely on the upcoming 6 days I am about to face. Highlights, Math LT3, Math Midterms and finally, the third ELC test. Now, the stipulations, I'm a D in Math and my ELC is near the margin of passing (meaning im failing) and the third LTs are the ones that will decide if I pass. Peachy. Pressure. How fun, I do enjoy it. NO MATTER because "a true hero can make 0.05%, a 100%!!!" Yeah, GaoGaiGar baby. So cool, totally old school mecha anime haha. Anyways, burn baby, burn.

Riding the Lightning
5:49 AM

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Tuesday, August 09, 2005
NGFSB

Here are some funny incidents wherein people try to inquire about my non-existent love life:

(Marty vs Mom)
Mom: Bakit? Wala ka pa bang crush?
Marty: Um, ayoko pag-usapan
Mom: Sabihin mo na, mom mo na naman ako e.
Marty: Wala. Wala.
Mom: Sigurado ka? Baka meron diyan tapos ayaw mo lang sabihin sa akin
Marty: Wala nga eh. Loner ako. Loser.
Mom: Sus, tatanda ka na walang girlfriend. Hay nako, paano ako aasa ng apo?
Marty: Eh nandyan pa si Micole, he'll keep the clan line going.
Mom: Hmph, forever ka na ba hindi magkakaasawa o girlfriend man?
Marty: Uh, expected ko na titira ako mag-isa at mag-aalaga ng mga ahas.

(Marty vs Angelo)
Angelo: Hey Marts, meron akong balita na meron kang crush ah
Marty: Eh?
Angelo: Wag mo na ideny, I saw the way you were looking at her sa party
Marty: Uh what? That party? I was just making casual chit-chat
Angelo: ULOOOOOOOOL
Marty: oo gago. Wag ka na magfishing
(enter Gerome)
Gerome: Oy Marty, kamusta si _____.
Angelo: aba aba aba, si _____ pala ah. Okay Marty, details!!!
Marty: Pota, sabi nga wag sasabihin eh!!!
Gerome: Oops sorry
Marty: ...

(Marty vs Jao)
Marty : girls break hearts, that's a given and vice versa
Marty : but speaking honestly, if u are feeling something for someone
Marty : it's best not to just go for it ryt away
Jao : yeah
Jao : i'll give it a year
Jao : haha
Marty : better for u to know exactly wat ur doing and feeling
Marty: instead of going into a relationship with a half-a-heart
Jao : but seriously, i wouldn't mind making him wait and i really need to think this out
Jao: but thanks
Jao : i needed some assurance
Marty : and ur taking the word of a bitter, loveless, hopeless romantic?

(Marty vs Ryan)
Ryan: Your relationships always end up in disasters
Marty: what relationships? They're over before they even start
Ryan: Oh right...
Marty: ...
Ryan: ...
Marty: Shut up

(Marty vs Jaco)
Jaco: Ayaw mo ng girlfriend? Baback up ka naman namin eh. Suppoooooooooort
Marty: Di naman ganun kasimple eh
Jaco: Kung dumiskarte ka, sure win ka na e
Marty: Uh... right
Jaco: Wala ka bang gusto dito?
Marty: Meron din, pero nawawala din. Parang for the moment lang haha. Meron kasi akong isang gusto talaga eh kaya sa kanya lang talaga focus ko
Jaco: Ah e di ok, haharanahan namin
Marty: ng ano?
Jaco: ~Chowking~~~~
Marty: what the

(Marty and Myles, talk on the L word)
Marty: So, you like someone
Myles: You can say that
Marty: Cool
Myles: Cool

(Marty and Pierre)
Marty : love sucks
Marty : hahaha
Marty : dota na lang
Pierre : indeed it does
Pierre : hahaha
Pierre : ok lang yan
Pierre : tingnan mo kami ni aldy
Pierre : wala pang howe
Pierre : never had one
Pierre: but we're still cool
Pierre: hahaa
Marty: yeah! me too me too

(Marty talking to himself)
Marty: You know what's worse than having no love life?
Marty: What?
Marty: Talking to yourself about it
Marty: Touche'

And that my friends, is how the story goes

Riding the Lightning
9:58 PM

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Wednesday, August 03, 2005
A Slow Boiling Point

It is a sad day for the ECE students of Block U. After a devastating ELC long test last friday, the results that came out were far from pretty. If you got a really ugly face, put it in a blender and put in 5 cups of extra ugly, you won't even come close to how ugly it was. I, on the other hand, wanting to preserve a bit of my pride and possibly sanity, CUT ELC lec. Instead, I just went to the CTC open lab room and sorted out my next lab report with AC, Lynn and Nice. It had been an interesting weekend as I recollected as many some of my blockmates had shared their concerns about passing this subject.

As of right now, people are going to fail, I'm sure, I can't deny that but I hate to see these people throw their hands up in the air and say, "I quit" when there is still some hope in redemption. It's easy to throw in the towel because I've been there and I've felt that bitter taste at the tip of your tongue that you can't seem to make to go away. I hate to see my friends in such a situation but it's not something I can help in either because I am also having problems in the same thing. All I can really do is hope and pray to the big guy up there that we all somehow survive.

It's not easy to fail, it's an awful feeling to have. Who likes failing anyway? It makes you feel like rubbish, a nothing, a nobody whose existence isn't even worth seconds of anybody's time. In fact, some go as far as say... quitting their lives which is a really stupid thing to do. I just think that people aren't used to seeing themselves fail. We have to be perfect for people to accept us or for us to accept us; for all our flaws and insecurities, seeing ourselves fail is something we cannot accept whole-heartedly because who really wants to say to themselves that they are nobodies?

Riding the Lightning
11:13 PM

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Tuesday, August 02, 2005
In Light of Perfect Circles

I think people are funny things. We cry, we laugh, we talk, we love, we hate and we do a lot more but I come to think that all of these things we see people do or what we do for that matter... has been repeated in some distant past or perhaps, we are wound up like pretty little toys accordingly by some puppetmaster.

I had this dream yesterday and it was about this man obssessed with animal crackers. Now, honestly, the idea crossed my mind half-way from getting out of the shower and brushing my teeth and for that very brief moment, the idea popped up "ANIMAL CRACKERS" and I don't know for what reason, I started thinking about a man obssessed with animal crackers. Being one who fancies stories, I wanted to write something about this animal cracker man. I didn't have a name for him so I think I'll call him Boyle. Because really, the only reason why we have a name is to know who we are. Cats and Dogs don't need names, we give it to them so that we'll know who they are, funny thing ain't it?

So we have Boyle in a room. He opens the door and giddily sits down on the floor in front of his sala and rips open the bag of animal crackers. For some animals, he ate them, bit by bit, leg then head then body, methodically like some ritual and for some animals, well, he gave them names and put them in a little glass box neatly, and poured in some weird jelo mold thing to keep the thing in suspension. He'd place this glass box atop his bed or beside it on a cornertable and stare at it endlessly for hours on end. Why? who knows why? Even I don't, it's a weird dream.

Looking around the room, I see that Boyle has already a lot of those animal crackers. They were like a miniature army, displayed so magnificently all around his room. Boyle looks at them, spins once, twice and thrice and he begins to marvel at the sheer numbers of these animal crackers of his until finally, the roof of the room came off and his giant hand starts grabbing the animal cracker boxes and throws them into this huge gaping mouth where they were chewed and swallowed. Boyle was picked up by this giant hand but he wasn't thrown into the mouth but instead, after a brief inspection, the giant hand just let him go and closed the roof atop his room again. Boyle couldn't understand (and neither can I) what had just happened but he looked around his room and saw his collection of animal crackers were gone but then, Boyles, being the fanatic he was, went out the room, went to a store and bought himself a brand new box of well... animal crackers.

Point? I don't really know. Dreams tell each of us different things but for me though, I just think we are all like animal crackers to some Boyle guy out there and when we do recognize Boyle, it dawns on us that Boyle was nothing compared to the giant hand or the gaping mouth later on.
Some us, well, get bitten and chewed up while some of us get put in a glass box along with other people who are special but in the end, we don't call the shots. Some giant hand comes in and takes us all away. Just a thought, a dream, an idea.

See the perfect circle? haha didn't think so

Riding the Lightning
11:11 PM

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Monday, August 01, 2005
The Canon and Tarp

There are many a times when things do not go our way and for these times, we often conclude that life is hard and start hating everything about it. Believe me, I know. I grew up pretty snotty and selfish, pampered in a way that things had to go my way. My parents gave me as much as I had wanted, from my dinosaur books to currently, my DSL connection and whenever I asked, they would say something like we didn't have these back in our days and that I should be grateful. I am grateful, too grateful, I have become dependent to having things go my way which is why I think life is getting harder as we grow up because we can't control things anymore.

Take my ELC test for example. I mean, I studied hard, really hard. When I got locked out of the house for three times, I took out my ELC book and studied. I spent my breaks studying and tried even the exercises in the book to prepare. Sadly, the test was a humiliating failure. Three questions in an hour and I think I flunked the whole thing. Things didn't go my way or the way I expected and yes, I was pissed off and I said, "Life sucks" when it didn't work for me but now I just realize that these are things I cannot control, that this was how the world works. We can't shape it, it's bigger than any of us. All we can really do is sit around for the ride and pray to God that we remembered to put on the seatbelts.

I've seen things crumble to dust and even more, I see things get blown up but rest assured, something gets built in its place. Same thing with the bad stuff in our lives. Things do fall apart and some things do slip away but in time, I really think they come back. Life doesn't suck at all, it's... wishy-washy. When things go our way, we want to keep living until we are saturated with benevolent bliss and when things don't, we scourn and curse our misfortune often blaming others and ultimately, ourselves. Please, I've heard people say "Life Sucks" a lot already and the pattern's always there. Life sucks when you fail a test, Life's great when you ace it.

What I think is that we want control of our lives more than anything else. We want to see where we are going, to avoid crashes and potholes. Think about it. We drive our own little cars, encased in our own little shells and hum quietly as we drive around, hands on the steering wheel. It's something I observed from a lot of people and really, this way of thinking intrigues me.

While I was walking away from the ELC test, Lynn and Carlos walked with me to discuss the tragic aftermath and I said this to them as we discussed ways to pass the subject, "Okay, I think to pass, it's going to be like shooting a canon towards a stretched tarp. You have to hope that you got enough umph to breakthrough the tarp." basically, the canon's your effort and the tarp's yopur obstacle in achieving your goal. I just think everyone goes through shit, it just depends on whether you have enough umph to get out of the shit or wallow in it.

Just something I'd like to share. Hope you think about it

Riding the Lightning
10:38 PM

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