The Lonely Road

Wednesday, September 28, 2005
Lighten Up Series

Laughter is the best medicine

Hello, Marty here. Many things await at the end of the long road of the 1st sem and such things I can hardly wait for. Yet it is not over yet I'm afraid and the short sprint of two weeks seems to be littered by hurdles and obstacles making yours truly (if you pardon the expression) tear his fucking brains out. The stress gets to you and often, as you see with the other people of my beloved block, the stress affects us in different, often crazy ways. I for one become a total lunatic under stress and putting this into the vat of other insane whackjobs in the block, you got yourself a totally insane hell week. And I do mean, insane.

Okay... let's start with the CADS concert. Apparently, Tal and I were late so we had to watch the show from the rafters. It was fun actually, we would shout out weird comments that no one would hear. KSP sobra haha. Boo dancers, Astroboy better haha. We hung out later down with the ECE blocks and caused more chaos down there. It was funny cuz Tal and I were sitting on a little island behind the whole row of ECE. Oh oh, watching the dancers gave him an idea. How about the AECES dance troupe haha for out-of-shape engineering students. Apparently, all you would need is a bowtie and sexy underwear to get in. Tal and I already worked out the routine. Go figure

Of course, everyday life seems to come up with funny antics. I have been very makulit lately often making side comments on some people causing them to chase me down kostka. Sorry Nice haha. It is fun though sometimes I get my share of the butt end of the jokes :P Apparently, Carlos and AC thinks it would be interesting if I wore drag, you know transy stuff on.

Carlos: Isip ko kung magdrag ka, di mahahalata
Marty: What's that supposed to mean
Carlos: Wala, interesting lang
Marty: Okay, so when I wear formal no one recognizes me but when I wear drag, it's normal?
Carlos: Oo
Marty: Loko

I got a good laugh out of that. Later on though, I realized that I shriek like a little girl which my blockmates aptly pointed out. I was walking down the dirt road down sec when this branch poked me on the leg, I shrieked thrice each girlier than the next. Boo. They had to laugh at that haha but then Carlos comes up and says that "Kaya nga bagay sayo magdrag" and I said, "Boo" I wonder why some of my blockmates think that hmm...

...

I'm not gay

Moving on, someone turned 18 today and her wish was that she would be able to watch an R rated movie before she turned 18. Apparently, porn was the only way to go. I don't know if it happened that a porn watching session DID happen but I find it disturbing to watch porn in a gay guy's dorm with two girls and one questionable male. Oh don't get me wrong, I was invited but I have to draw the line somewhere haha. Heck, I think I was supposed to bring the popcorn. Porn doesn't change over the course of time btw, it's like, always the same... Interesting point: There is no such thing as normal porn, porn always has a category. Think about it.

I also did get to see Marc kinda slip up when we were lining up for our lab breakage fees. He was in the L-Q line and when Carlos and I came he offered us to singit and it was so funny because he was in the wrong line and had to go to the end of the other line haha. Scholar pa ah hahaha. So funny. I think Luis and I spent a whole 2 minutes just laughing about it haha. Oh oh, then his crush kinda came and at that precise moment, the cashier shouted that Marc forgot his id on the counter. I've never seen him blush so much hahahaha. Yes yes, I am so mean.

Ever seen a gay act like a ninja? I've seen just a while ago. No comment

One time, we were singing Parokya ni Edgar songs at Manang's and we got into the song This Guy's In Love With You Pare. Okay, so I was leading cuz I memorized the song haha then Carlos walks down and was weirded out when I sang out that line in front of his face haha. Okay, once again, I am not gay.

Finally, for the last installment, I want to present an argument between me and my mom... over pasta. This usually happens when I'm to try out some experimental health food thing of hers.

Marty: Meron na makain?
Mom: Di pa handa yung spaghetti. Pero yung noodles okay na.
Marty: Eh yung karne?
Mom: lulutuin pa
Marty: Ah ok, hintay na lang ako
Mom: Ah ganito na lang. Kunin mo yung sundried tomato paste diyan
Marty: Yung mukhang bagoong?
Mom: Loko, tomato paste yan. Galing Italy o
Marty: Uh, Mark and Spencer nakasulat ba. Diba pangdamit yun
Mom: Di ah. Tignan mo may flag ng Italy sa harap
Marty: Eh baka sticker lang yan, para maakala ng tao na galing Italy. Pati ang labo naman, nagbebenta ng tomato paste sa Mark and Spencer. Binili ko polo ko dun eh
Mom: Siya siya. Kunin mo na.
(brings bottle to mom)
Marty: ano gagawin?
Mom: Ito lang gamitin mo pangsauce sa noodles
Marty: Weh, gusto ko may karne eh
Mom: Okay lang yan. Healthy siya.
Marty: Pwede ba hintayin ko na lang yung may karne?
Mom: Hindi hindi, try mo lang. Kumain ka ng may karne pagkatapos mo kainin to
Marty: Eh mabubusog ako e
Mom: Di yan. Kainin mo na.
Marty: Yoko
Mom: Hay, pag di mo yan kinain di ka kakain ng spaghetti na may karne
Marty: E di ba spaghetti naman dapat may karne? This is not spaghetti, this is noodles with tomato paste
Mom: oo na, oo na. Kain na
(gets a plate)
Mom: ano? okay diba?
Marty: ok lang
Mom: O e di yan na lang kainin niyo pag gutom kayo. Madali lang gawin.
Marty: Okay... eh kung iiwan ka nga ng spaghetti e di ba may meat na? di ka naman luluto ng noodles lang eh
Mom: ...
Marty:...
Mom: Okay, handa na spaghetti
Marty: Yehey

Happens more often than you think :P

Riding the Lightning
11:16 PM

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Sunday, September 25, 2005
The Air is Cold

Do not disturb a man disturbed

Pause. Look around. Where are you? You're probably sitting on your chair, comfortable or even mad, angry at the world which brings you here, to me and my world. To my blog.

I wonder. Who you are. Who ventures here? Do you seek to see my innermost secrets? Or perhaps to just drop by and post something, to leave a mark, announcing that you, reader, have in one specific moment in time, visited me. I hope in reading, I may share a little something or perhaps, open your eyes a little wider, to the wonder of human existence. How do we live? In anger, in fear, in sadness, in despair or even, in happiness. It all matters. Only. To those, who know exactly what they have lived for. What is one without the other? How can one know Happiness if one doesn't know Sadness? Only a fool says he/she knows happiness without first knowing sadness, nor hope without first despair.

You. Human. Are never in control. You are a victim of circumstances. You walk on the world, not yours to begin with. Creature of emotion. That's what we are. Words hold no emotion and for that, I use them for they help me see what resides in your thoughts for each word invokes your emotions, not mine. I merely resonate, I reflect, I amuse myself. My words are not meant for me, but for you. You do not care for me, you care for you, my words will not affect me but perhaps they will you. That is my hope.

Learn along with me, what existence is. Why we feel and why we hurt for I myself do not know the answer. I want to know. Do you? Maybe. Maybe not. I don't care. I want to. Up to you if you want to. I can only try to help. Help, if you seek it.

...

I've gotta start sleeping early

Riding the Lightning
10:13 PM

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Friday, September 23, 2005
!@#$%^&*(()

It hurts so much that it makes you feel you want to hide under a rock and die.

Right now, I feel so angry. I am angry that I hurt, I am angry that I feel myself get hurt. After setting up so many defenses, one little mistake makes you slip and you find yourself waiting out in the rain. Goddamit all. I so want to talk to someone right now but who is there? Once again, no one. Fuck it. I don't give a crap about people trying to help me out or listen to me anymore, they can do it in their own free time, I never seem to find them when I need them. It always ends up me being by myself.

I hate it when I am under the burden of emotions. I hate it when I get shouted at because I do not want my emotions to be seen. It angers me to think that I am under someone's microscope and they think they can keep me smiling by saying sweet somethings to make me feel better. That doesn't work mind you, I lost faith in people a long time ago and it's gonna take a heck of a lot more than "If you need a shoulder to cry on, I'll be here" to make it all go away. It's stupid, why do most people think that crying makes it better? Crying is admitting that you can't handle the burden of something but it never makes it go away. Crying gets you nowhere. That saying is bullshit. I don't need it in my dictionary, save it I don't want to hear any of it because I don't care. I remember what Lynn said this morning that we as humans were born to be sad. Couldn't agree more.

Just so angry... sorry, I've rambled enough.

Riding the Lightning
11:42 PM

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Tuesday, September 20, 2005
The Fear

It is human nature to fear something and I am only human and I do fear something but it is a fear of something I cannot see, hear, touch, taste, smell or feel. A fear invisible to the senses... because my fear involves the loss of these senses.

When I was a kid, I was usually out in a little corner and spent the breaks drawing a little world for myself where no one was there. People for me have become nothing more than toys with limbs, flesh and blood who share the space I walk on and I took special joy in watching them behave in the safety of my own world. Now though, some would say I am good at explaining why people act in such ways, some would say I understand human emotion better than any other person they know and I agree to some points because I have used this knowledge to meet my ends years back. But perhaps, it comes to everyone's time that some things shatter our glass houses and try as we might to build everything back, there's still those little cracks where people can peer into.

I guess this conversation with Manuel opened my eyes a bit:
Manuel : everybody's moving
Marty : except me
Marty : pero ok lang
Marty : this is the longest ive stayed in one house
Marty : 3 years na yehey
Manuel : 3 lng?
Marty : yes!!
Marty : going to 4th na
Manuel : dba matagal na yan
Marty : not really...
Marty : there was a time when we moved again

What people don't really now about me is that I never really found one place to call home. All I really have to remember the past are the stories I have with different friends of mine and usually, I'm storykeeper. Over the years, many have left the country and that just reminds me that I am not moving at all, that scares me. The fear that I'm gonna get locked into my own house while people move on and never notice, that is my fear. I am afraid of dying that way for one but even more, I am afraid of not being remembered at all because who will remember the storykeeper? everyone else remembers the story...

On another side, my blockmate approached me about a problem of hers involving her having this sudden urge to get more friends because she doesn't seem to be contented with just one group of people and we eventually figured out that it was because she wanted to try something new and needed a new crowd to support that. Moreover, it stems into a fear of being alone. I kept remembering my own struggle against such a thing because I had this fear of being a forgotten memory and to have my life ceased to exist so I tried as much as I can to touch as many lives as possible. God, that was awful. I hated that feeling of being afraid to be thrown aside, it's the fear that keeps me up at night as well as in the day and even if I wake to smile at daylight, it seems that the fear still lingers somewhere, invisible to the senses

I have learned what fear is... it is cold and it clasps firmly unto your heart like a vice and even if you tell yourself that it has gone, you can still feel the coldness of the metal clamps festering unto your veins sending a chill that reminds you that...

you are fear's

to be continued

Riding the Lightning
10:50 PM

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Monday, September 19, 2005
The Indigestion of Beef Salpicao over a Monday Morning

I seem to have dreamed of a really good story but when I woke up, I uh... kinda forgot about it. Hopefully though, it comes back to me but most likely, it won't sooooooo that sucks. I did happen to chance upon something sort of dramatic or I dunno what's the word for it.basta

I was buying some stuff in the cafeteria and my hands were full. Apparently, I can't carry too many things with my two hands. Hmm... the funny thing was the thought of being lonely and secluded crossed my mind a couple of times kasi. As of now, I have not been in contact with a lot of my friends and sometimes, I do kind of need them even if I don't talk to them every minute, it's just comforting to see them online in YM or see that they left an email once in a while. Right, people promise that they will be there but they aren't because they have their own lives to worry about. It's something I accept so I don't really want anyone looking out for me but there are times when I do and for those times, I am often left disappointed because no one's there when I need them.

I think maybe I'm agreeing to what Glenn said way back then that a friend somehow already knows when something is happening and I said in reply that, that was bullshit because if we have problems, we should initiate conversation but now though, it seems I'm kind of leaning to Glenn's point. It's just that I don't really know what to tell people, even I don't know what my problem is and not many people in my life could really pry out what's my problem because all they can do is listen, they never ask, they don't want to find out what's really happening, they're pretty much content by just hearing someone's sad story. I accept that because I do that too but there are those few select people who do genuinely care, those who know how to make you feel better and who don't just listen but understand also, those kinds of people are so rare in my life because it takes those kinds of people to gain my absolute trust. So there are times when I only have two hands to carry my things but then again, I gotta learn how to balance those things because I can't really count on people popping up with a helping hand -- no -- most would just listen to how you bitch about not being able to carry everything, most would give you instructions how to carry everything yet it is rare to have someone actually carry some things. Kinda reminds of that guy who helped Jesus carry a cross, ya know.

I guess I can continue this some other time. I'm just using the pc at school, alone as usual as other people have businesses to take care of. I've met people I've known over the walk here and I waved and said my hi's to have them wave and say hi back to me or just completely ignore me. Geez, talk about irony eh? Another story, I will post later. It's pretty much about Manuel and the things that are about to happen as we approach the last trimester of the year, it's Autumn season in most countries which means the season of change. Here though, we don't have Autumn so perhaps... we don't really see things change but they do...

They always do

Riding the Lightning
10:21 AM

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Friday, September 16, 2005
My Glass House Complex

Sometimes, I find myself laughing for no apparent reason.

Right now, the heavy metal funk of Gamma Ray is oozing into my ears and I can't help but sit back and fiddled my fingers on air guitar strings and haplessly sing-a-long to the funk, yeah! Well... it has been a good week I reckon as I finally broke the 70 barrier in Math and got an 80 in Theo woohoo. Aside from that, I won in my Arnis sparring thing but my blockmates weren't there cuz most of them watched the Cheer Rally, oh well.

Should I talk about loneliness again? or depression? or suicides? or perhaps some other dark aspect of human nature I have yet to discern? I think I drove those themes into the ground already so maybe I'll talk about love, since pretty much everyone me is getting bitten by the bug (ew, bug *smack*) yes, the love bug.

From reading the Sandman, there are two kinds of love. The love sprung from mutual like and the love sprung from hate. Let me give my personal view on these two things for those who are confused about what they are. Apparently, as some would dub me, I am pretty good at figuring out human nature yet not really immerse myself in it. I think the phrase is, I live in a glass house and I shouldn't cast stones. In any case...

Love sprung from mutual like happens often around people. You like someone and you get a backbone to ask them out or for the not-so-sure type like moi, befriend the said, prospect. Now, there are those who hope that one day, their desired partner would open his/her eyes to the love offered to them, like every... other... soap I have seen. Sometimes, the friendship lasts too long and before you know it, you are labeled as a best friend which pretty much gets rid of many shred of hope you have of becoming an item because my friend, you have become the confidant, the guy/girl your prospect complains to about his/her love life WITH OTHER PEOPLE. That, my friend is the bottom of the barrel. But then, there are those lucky people who have things work out for them but I have yet to see one so I don't believe in it... yet. I don't get why girls (or boys for that matter) find it so weird if theire friends are falling in love with them haha, is it really that weird? C'mon, think, why would they be so close to you in the first place only to have you reject them in the long run. I think that's dumb, people get hurt more that way.

Love sprung from hate this time, is kinda different cuz I find it so entertaining. Given two people, they bitch about each other all day long while in fact, they really like each other. It comes to a point where someone's "bad habits" tend to grow on you after prolonged exposure and after that, you're pretty much hooked on the guy/girl but of course, people around you will say, "what you like him/her now? after all those times you said blah blah blah" so you don't wana go back on your stand about the disgusting creature so you continue the fascade of teasing, insults and bitchings. I happen to know people like these and it's funny. So reader, take note, your greatest prick might like you.

On a whole other standpoint is the pov of those who seek love. Everyone (save a few) wants it and often they are selfish about it which is why it is so hard to let go of some things. Tch, that's just plain wrong. Personally, I find falling in love really exhilirating because I get this rush of emotions that makes me feel like I've been eating cookies and cream ice cream (don't ask) and I can't help but sometimes get so addicted to the feeling that I become a glutton and hog it all to myself, never really giving who I am in love with a second thought. YOU GET ME? I figured it out! There is a difference in falling in love with a person and falling in love with the feeling of falling in love. One is selfish, one is true. Some people fail to realize this until it's out of their hands and they sit alone in their room in the dark moping about breakups, broken hearts or goodbyes that didn't even count.

Well... the Gamma Ray funk ran out on me so I'm outta ideas haha. I do hope I find true love one day and maybe for that time, I will cease to live in a glass house but for now, I wait and hope, and finally sleep to dream about her, who occupies my thoughts and heart whenever I look out over the starlit night.

Dream on, brother

Riding the Lightning
12:05 AM

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Wednesday, September 14, 2005
His Name's Keso!!!!!!!!!

Today was a cool day cuz we are now, once again, proud owners of another cute puppy dog. Yey! He is soooooo cute, he melts my ice-cold heart huhuhu. He is so small and cute and cuddly and he has this adorable brown spots over his eyes and ears. My dad says he's a Spitz which is cool cuz we had one not so long ago. I dubbed him... KESO, because I like naming animal's out of food stuff seen on a pizza. Apparently, my earlier suggestions like Pepperoni, Anchovie, Chorizo and Sausage didn't really work but Keso did! Cool, I got a dog named Keso!

I spent the time after dinner playing with the puppy. He was very sad because he got separated from his mommy and siblings and he was crying all day long. I have a soft spot for puppy dogs hehe. In any case, I hope the puppy gets used to having me around. Our other dog Cloud was always a biter and he shows his affection by well, biting haha I hope Keso doesn't become a biter. I spent a few minutes watching this slasher film with Keso, he calmed down! hahahaha. So cute. He quieted down after I rubbed his ears and belly, apparently, he doesn't want to be left alone awww. It makes me sad that he got separated from his family and all but we're going to take care of him, sure will, hope so haha.

Welcome to the Family Keso!

(Pictures will be available when I get them haha)

Riding the Lightning
7:36 PM

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Sunday, September 11, 2005
My Frozen Calf Muscle

I think I wore down so many cliche'd angst-y themes that writing about them seems to be tedious now, nevertheless, the soul gets hurt and we can't help but scream out in the dark in pain.

Today, I woke up to a very lousy sensation. As I stretched my legs, my calf muscles got a cramp and I pretty much limped the whole day. It sucked really but the nice thing was I didn't have any plans today... That's sad. Saturday night with no plans, what has my life turned into...

Many conversations with people arose during the week prior to this dismal saturday. Some though, I would rather disclose only to myself since I have sworn oaths all over the place but probably the most interesting conversation so far was the one with Stanley who just so happens to have sparked a conversation with me on a friday night. I met him a while ago in Ateneo looking at rocks (?) and he went to watch me and Myles play dota the afternoon later. Hmm...

The conversation that took place was surprising as I haven't mirrored myself to see where I am as of late. Apparently, I am becoming more and more introverted. I do not go out as much with friends anymore and my social life is in shambles. School does that to you I guess. Perhaps I lost track of having fun in the long run. I miss the people I hang out with.

The 2nd conversation happened to involve a lot about feelings and love. I for one, am not an expert in love but I am rather adept at analyzing people. I find it extremely interesting that there are so many secrets that hides within the human heart and mind. As far as finding out people's secrets are concerned, I really believe some secrets are better left untouched. It's as if once we really like someone, we tend to piece them into tiny bits so that maybe we can attach ourselve to those bits and pieces. This concerns a lot about secrets and I am one who has kept many already, other's and mine combined yet I do not find the need to keep them for I do not really wish to be attached to anyone's laundry :P Labo hahahaha

The 3rd conversation was just this night. I gave Sophia a call after a looooong time of busy hell weeks and I was relieved to have conversed with her again haha. It was weird though because he were both watching School of Rock so we pretty much spent the night watching the same movie, only , on the phone. Really though, I couldn't tell her much of the things that has happened over the weeks because some things were just too personal that I couldn't breach that line of trust and even if I trust her to somehow lend an ear to some things, I guess I couldn't do that as of that time. Oh, and I guess for the first time, I heard her laugh. Uhuh, uhm, mhm...

The rest of the day was spent limping for food downstairs, where I feasted upon a whole chicken. The rents were going to Shangri-La to eat in the massive buffet so they cooked me and my bro a chicken. It was devoured in 10 minutes. Yum.

Though a month away, several people have already noted on my birthday. Lester for one, who I thought forgotten, actually remembered haha. He's up for a party so maybe I will have one who knows right? My 19th year on the 19th wow.

Another thing though is that on Wednesday, I think our Filipino group will be singing in class. Now this reminds me of three occasions when I had to sing in class. God, not again. I actually rapped in class twice already, once in 3rd year and the second in 1st year college. It is fun though, you'd look like a fool but that doesn't really matter because you're having fun anyways, besides, not a lot of people have the testicular fortitude to do a rap in front of class right? hahaha Besides, I think I can rap pretty good anyways. Sing? maybe not but I can dream can I?

So what can I say? Things happen in life that make it interesting. Change is constant I guess and as I blabber on about meaningless nothings, I hope that you have these sorts of meaningless nothings to tell your grandchildren when you get old, provided you don't die yet. I have lots, I'm gonna make a good grandfather...yes, a good grandfather

Nonsense

Riding the Lightning
2:11 AM

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Wednesday, September 07, 2005
Now Playing

I am sooooo having a hard time writing GHOSTS. What started as a a really kickass start seemed to fall apart after going through this sem of stress and frustrations and I'm realizing the fear that I might be losing my touch in writing. It sickens me.

It's so annoying to have that feeling where you can't write anything down at all, it's an awful awful feeling that I just can't get rid of. The funny thing is, I'm not even thinking about GHOSTS that much so the ideas just stopped coming. My mind is full of MATH and ELECTRONICS, not STORIES and FICTION. So maybe I'm just going to pause the whole thing altogether. Sorry to my characters, I won't finish your stories that fast.

Well... what's interesting to talk about... oh! Another lunch time session with some of my blockmates happened today, we seem to talk alot during the breaks now hehe. Anyways, we basically talked about how guys who get into romantic relationships with girls tend to change and change, I mean all mushy and ucky change haha which brought to mind some of my/our HS's barkada's encounters with such things. Ahem, I did NOT have such an encounter because I end up having it blow up in my face :P Yeah, there were some times where we'd point to mushy guy and batter him wih insults which we had hoped to snap him back to his crazy old self only to have him smile back and wave it off, it's like he turned nice all of a sudden. I often get a kick from dishing out every imagineable tease/taunt/insult to get the guy to drop the nice act hahaha sadly, doesn't happen when under the influence of a girl. hmm...

Then the romance ends, and as I throw my jeers, it's good to see that we got the good old friend we knew back haha as seen by the insults he throws back. So funny but it's true! People change when they're in love. As they say, you look a lot handsomer or prettier when you are and you seem to radiate a certain glow of positive sunshine... uh huh, yeah. Anyways, that's a fact but I wonder why the girl doesn't change as much as the guy, not generalizing though. Tsk, I'm talking about love again. Sad, I'm so sad. This is so pathetic hahaha. I don't want to talk about this, it's too sad.

In other aspects, the sem draws closer and closer to its end and I could feel the pressure start to build as each week starts to snowball on me. You guys know what I'm talking about anyways haha. I'm so bored, I have nothing to do. I gotta get a life.

Riding the Lightning
11:59 PM

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Friday, September 02, 2005
Walk the WIcked Way

The week today sure was interesting as things bubbled fast and furiously over a span of just 5 days. As always, things always seem to find their way back to me and once again, another episode begins.

Drama trip over the week ranging from my constant daydreaming to bitter rants. Let me share something, some things have been happening amongst friends for the week. Glenn msg'd me one night and told me some things. Things haven't changed within that circle. Apparently, I'm not alone anymore. People are dealing with their grades and also with their lives with utmost frustration, Glenn being the one person who kind of symbolizes the whole thing just reminded me that things were shifting again. Myles told me that he said "but i think its tym we hang out agen wit marty and stan and the good old people of ur lyf" I don't understand these things. Maybe things are changing too fast again.

One really weird thing happened over one night, a thought has dawned on me about a certain someone and that he may be crossing the line a bit with regards to friends. Myles told me that things like these are usually no big deal but then whenever I get a chance to talk to this someone, it seems that there is nothing else to talk about but another episode of trying to cross that line. Labo ba? I guess but try to keep up. I was in a conversation that confirmed my suspicions and right now, I'm discerning what to do next.

As for people who think they know what I'm talking about in my blog and especially, quote me and use it to justify something in my face, buddy, you assume too much. I really got angry that you did that but I was nice enough to just let it go... AFTER THIS... that's just saying that you know someone so well. Dude, things do not always go your way. As much as you want people to get involved, it's ultimately up to them but if you try to justify yourself using my words to tell me something... you don't even know what you are talking about. Use your own words and point your finger at me for all I care, those are your words but never EVER use my words to tell me something. You don't know what the hell you're talking about. There. (in response to a chat some days ago)

Amongst the block, a great tragedy has struck...

AC TOOK A PIECE OF MY BURGER, BOO

Dude, I'd give you a piece if you had asked but man, that's just sick. Among other things, I passed ELC test so yey, so did my blockmates, yey. Guess it's not over yet. I have to be honest though, it somehow feels better to be part of Block U now because I'm a lot more myself, the laughs just keep on coming and I never seem to have a bad day anymore. Thanks!

Amongst friends, as I said, things are changing. Some people are falling away and some are coming back. A Sandman anecdote pops up in a conference. Apparently, we almost have the complete Endless in our midst; Myles as Dream, Glenn as Delirium(?), Richmond as Destiny, Ryan as Despair, James as Destruction, Me as Death, all we're missing now is Desire haha.

Then finally, last night, I had a long talk with a friend and maybe perhaps shed a little more light for me. I want to say, thanks. It's hard to find people who did what you did, even harder for me to trust someone again but I'm going out on a limb here. That night, I also read Joey's blog and after a few minutes of thinking about whether tagging or not, I didn't. I guess that proves a lot of things now. Prayers girl, that's all I can give you.

I would like to leave you all with a piece of Myles' pep talk:

Myles (8/30/2005 8:56:08 PM): always remember
Myles (8/30/2005 8:56:12 PM): ENGINEER
Myles (8/30/2005 8:56:23 PM): you will be engineer marty someday
Myles (8/30/2005 8:56:30 PM): not mr. marty
Myles (8/30/2005 8:56:33 PM): or father marty
Myles (8/30/2005 8:56:36 PM): or sir marty
Myles (8/30/2005 8:56:40 PM): or dr. marty
Myles (8/30/2005 8:56:42 PM): or atty. marty
Myles (8/30/2005 8:57:10 PM): or KING MARTY
Marty (8/30/2005 8:57:19 PM): but i wana be King
Myles (8/30/2005 8:57:36 PM): ENGineer marty
Marty (8/30/2005 8:58:09 PM): i wana be King
Myles (8/30/2005 8:58:15 PM): NEVER

and the rebuttal:

Myles (8/30/2005 9:02:04 PM): you will see
Myles (8/30/2005 9:02:06 PM): one day!
Myles (8/30/2005 9:02:35 PM): i remember a time when england was rueld by a frenchman
Marty (8/30/2005 9:02:38 PM): always remember
Marty (8/30/2005 9:02:41 PM): EMPEROR
Marty (8/30/2005 9:03:05 PM): you will be emperor Myles someday
Marty (8/30/2005 9:03:11 PM): not mr myles
Marty (8/30/2005 9:03:14 PM): or father myles
Marty (8/30/2005 9:03:18 PM): or sir myles
Marty (8/30/2005 9:03:22 PM): or dr myles
Marty (8/30/2005 9:03:25 PM): or atty myles
Marty (8/30/2005 9:03:30 PM): or ENGINEER Myles
Myles (8/30/2005 9:03:34 PM): are you copying me or is that really from sandman?
Marty (8/30/2005 9:03:37 PM): but KING MYLES

Riding the Lightning
5:22 PM

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Thursday, September 01, 2005
Wall to Lean On

I pressed my head against a brick wall and realize how cold it was. It was hard and unfeeling, literally, made of stone. I had hoped to find warmth but found none. I wanted a soft embrace but I only had this wall to lean on, oblivious to my feelings or emotion.

A thought passed my mind on how it must feel to sit beside you; to bathe under the warmth of your smile and be under the mercy of your touch. And I wonder how great it must feel to have you sit beside me as I tell you everything about me and to finally happy and loved as we watch the sun set over the horizon. I would paint pictures made with autumn colors to signify how much things have changed since I've met you as autumn harkens the coming seasons, so do I in the changing times. For once, I would never have to look at people in a distant eye, never bitter, never sad, never cynical. I would learn to love again and to have a heart.

But that is nothing. It isn't real.

What sits beside me is nothing but this empty wall whose touch is as cold as my heart. The rain begins to fall and the thought of sunsets disappear. The raindrops get louder and your voice fades away. The only thing left of me is me alone under the rain, no one to lean on, just a wall who never talks or feels anything. At the moment, I am sheltered from the rain as the I watch the raindrops fall in front of me and yet I wonder, who will come and save me... I hope it's you... even if you don't know I exist...

Riding the Lightning
10:34 PM

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