The Lonely Road

Sunday, October 30, 2005
The Head Hurts

Man, my head hurts

It's the day after a momentous overnight once again and as always, my head's spinning. Myles beat me in monopoly, that's the biggest news. Crap man, I thought I'd never see the day. I think the most funny moments in every overnight is the moment when Myles and I would debate over something. We've played monopoly for so long that I got... a reputation

Marty: Do I look untrustworthy?
Richmond: No...
Marty: Then why don't we cut a deal already? I mean, you can trust me
Richmond: Yeah... Yeah I can... I can trust you to screw everyone over
Marty: Me? hahaha It's not like I do it on purpose, it just happens

Anyways, I've collected a lot of Silent Hill songs to help me write Lonely Roads. Apparently, writing a down to earth story is HARD. I guess I don't have enough experiences to really know what I'm writing about. Everything then should be led to the imagination or a reflection of someone else's life. I don't want to go there because it's sort of criticizes someone's life, on the other hand, I think that's what writers do hahaha.

My monitor's in the fixins so I'm using this old crappy one. I can't play warcraft or any games for that matter leading me to decide what I SHOULD FRICKIN DO TO PASS THE TIME. I usually just sleep or listen to music til I sleep or write til I sleep. Man, it's gotten boring all of a sudden but I don't really mind. I guess what I'm just asking is a little time to go out and not play network, it's gotten repetitive and it kind of hurts the wallet.

I think the one thing that's bothering me is that I've been listening to these love songs and well, my mind wanders off to that person haha. I don't want to think about it cuz it just hurts. Let's just see what happens. Can't say much here cuz she might stumble here and that can't be good. After everything, I'm just really scared.

I just want to write this down before someone suspects I might have given up on my blog. I'm not. Actually, this is this blog's one year anniversary so yey me. I don't have anything really interesting to say for now because I'm putting everything in my story. Sorry haha that's the way it goes.

Happy Halloween

Riding the Lightning
8:15 PM

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Sunday, October 16, 2005
Sem Break Day Two

So it's the sem break, a time for some R& R and catching up with old friends. I want to make an effort to meet with all of my friends this break because I miss them for one thing and it just feels nice to reacquaint with them. I didn't have to wait too long into the break to get started though because yesterday, it was a night of networking with Myles and Glenn.

These two are such characters. I've known them since high school and we always had this weird sort of friendship going on. A lot of it involves shouting, insults and sarcasm but I guess that made the whole thing survive throughout the years. Around 2nd year in college, I never got to see Glenn much because he kinda got reverted back to his addiction to video games. For every time I asked him to come with us to a gimik, he could never make it because of transpo problems. Myles and I believe that Glenn is lost now. I'm not one to say but we kinda knew this would happen.

Jesus, it has been 6 years. There were so much conflict yet at the same time, fun during those high school days. We made epics out of monopoly and forged friendships with pizza. The thing is though, it's always been about the games. Our friendship as Myles said, is one out of food and games. Yesterday though, Glenn asked us to go to 129 to have an all-night network spree. Myles and I went and that was simply it, we just played games all day but Glenn played with us for one or two games in the morning and went to his own thing playing WoW. Somehow, I wasn't at all surprised. The feeling of falling apart has always been lurking around the corner ever since we all sat together for lunch.

DOTA was just another link to bring us together in college. The pattern never ceased but I found it interesting to know that this time it seemed like a whole new ballgame. After he played his game, he came over to Myles and me to play a game with us, DOTA this time. It's just the three of us in a team and our opponents were pretty much hard to beat but somehow, we pulled it out of the bag with miraculous spontaneous teamwork. Everything synch'd at that moment, at that one game. Glenn, Myles and I were astounded by that. After all those time, something led us to become a team.

We have always been different. Personality clashes. I remember we had a lot of fights but I guess that can't be avoided. Now though, it feels weird because though our ways of life may be different, somehow we can still bring it together. In the end, it's true that our friendships are forged out of food and games but I guess even if a friendship lasts that long based on just that, you can't deny it. Maybe that's the whole deal with the three of us. DOTA might just be a game but it's a game that brought us together for reasons I cannot understand. I know that the falling apart is a possibility always present but I'd like to think that it's that possibility that keeps everything together until it ultimately comes.

I really don't know how it works but I've stop asking questions about it anymore. Sem Break Day Two, it goes to DOTA and good friends.

Riding the Lightning
3:21 PM

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Friday, October 14, 2005
The Lonely Road : Revisited

Marty : i dont really expect ppl to stand up and help me u know
Martin : well
Marty : i just need to know that i have support bec i know that ultimately, it's up to me
Martin : yeah well, you were the bright guy back then anyway
Martin : dont worry too much
Marty : yeah, things changed

Today is the start of the sem break. The ELC test is done and over with and I just hope my efforts will pay off and even if my nerves can't rest until I see my grade, at least some of the pressure is gone. More importantly, I've learned a lot of things when I look back and see the road from June to October. Most of them were harsh and a few of them really broke my spirit.

What makes it all difficult anyways? I never really knew. I just know it does. I guess it was wrong to say things haven't changed because they have. I just didn't pay attention. I'm not the person who I used to be. I feel weaker and stronger at the same time; weak, because I have admitted defeated so many times and strong because somehow I'm still here, living.

Many friends have stepped up to help me when I am at my worst and I appreciate that really. I think in the end, I have finally realized that I am not alone at all. Sure, we each have our one lonely roads to walk in but that doesn't stop us from having company during the journey. Sometimes, we need it. I can't deny that fact. Honestly, I wouldn't pass Math without the help of Marc or Carlos. I wouldn't pass ELC without the effort the whole block put into reviewing. After most of my HS friends have been bombarded with asssignments and projects, it was hard for me to stand on my own but they still came when I needed it. I'm not alone at all.

Here I am now, writing again. I do not know what I'm writing about but I'm guessing it's somewhere along the lines of what I had learned and what's about to come. What can I say? The sem break screams for me to write something and I miss writing so much but more importantly, I miss that part of writing where you immerse yourself into your world. My world's changing constantly so maybe that's why I never finished one good story. It's sad I know but I want to work hard this time. I want to write Lonely Roads again but this time, I'm not going to stay in quiet Riverwalk, I'm going outside. The story will move just as I do. It's a personal touch and it might not be smart, professional-wise, but I am not a professional. I'm far from it.

What inspires me? I do not know but I guess I'm going to write this story so that when I look back, I won't say that I forgot anything or anyone. I was never good at keeping things but I'm pretty good at telling stories. I think that's who we are really, we're all stories. Each movement is a word in a sentence, in an hour, in a year. We move on day by day like pages of each chapter and our lessons, priceless. Our stories may not go always our way but that's all part of the drama. What's a story without conflict? Boring, that's what and you can't dismiss the fact that when you take a look back one day, you will realize that the hardships have made you who you are, be it for better or worse.

Things change. That's the simple fact of life. My conversation with Martin taught me that I am not the bright guy that I used to be but that doesn't matter because I'm okay the way I am now. It doesn't change a thing.

Ryan : u did wat u cud n thats that
Marty : crap
Ryan : look at it this way, wen sembreak comes u'l b doing a whole lot of stuf that wil take ur grades of ur mind
Ryan: lyk i sed, we did wat we cud, watevr happens, we jst kp on going
Marty : aye, life sucks
Marty : embrace it

Riding the Lightning
10:58 AM

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Wednesday, October 12, 2005
Grand Glorious Finale, El Grande Finale, The Ender, Ang Katapusan, The Period at the End of a Sentence: The Fitting End to a Fitting Semester

In Universe X, a comic I keep to heart, the flames of humanity has burned its final light and imminent death approaches as the world is torn by civil war, famine and chaos brought upon by the unavoidable fate dictated by the cosmos. Yet, a promise was kept that day that when the fires of humanity are threatened to be extinguished, one shining ray of light will keep it aflame and who held that promise? Not even a man who resides on earth, but a being who has grown to love humanity, even with its imperfections. Norrin Radd took heart once again and defended the one last stride for hope. He mourns for the death of his comrades and allies in the past yet death waits for no one and as much as his heart is battered from the scars of previous battles, he stands to fight and face tomorrow.

His last words were: "Why must the grieving be so short... and this life so long?

My answer: Because life never waits. It moves on, whether you like it or not.

I just finished Math finals today and it went well I guess but in my mind, I can't help but think about tomorrow. The end of the sem and the last of my finals, ELC. When I got my first failing LT in ELC, I wanted to end the sem right away but now that I'm on the edge of the finish line, I feel afraid to cross it. Too many mistakes, too much at risk, I might fail but there's nothing stopping the inevitable. Other people may find studying easy and they give that extra effort to get the grade and I admire that of them but for me, I guess grades doesn't matter as much... even if it should. I've never really given much thought on why I chose this course but I like it and I want to work hard for it but every time someone tells me they want a higher grade, I feel ashamed of myself for coming up with that mediocre grade of mine. I've been sermoned lots of times about doing my best but I don't find a point in doing so. I'm so uninspired... and ever since my test scores plummeted, it took all my strength to try to catch my breath in this drowning pool of F's and mediocrity

I put myself in this position and I have to get myself out, pass or fail. I wonder though what tomorrow and the day after brings. I know it won't be happy ever after and I'm sure more things are to come. I know life bites yet I'm not afraid as much about it because it's a fact, things go to shit. Take my life, take my example or everyone else's. It may be different for another person but the theme is the same, life never lets up until you're dead.

I hope some people learn something from me in one of these ramblings. Life sucks but I live it. I don't care, I'm stronger than that. As long as you see tomorrow, there is light shining your way. No matter how much we wander in the dark, or fallen from the light, we must move on and find tomorrow.

Comic books... the only world I grew up in

Riding the Lightning
9:40 AM

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Monday, October 03, 2005
Help Wanted

I need my friends now, more than ever because I don't have enough strength to stand on my own two feet. I feel weak and helpless. Powerless. The stress is too much and the pressure is boiling over. I can't do this myself. For the first time, I need a shoulder to cry on.

I cannot describe the feeling I'm having because I have shut it off so long ago but yes, I feel the warm trickle of tears starting to swell on my eyes as my heart becomes heavy with grief and fear. I feel so weak now as I came out today out of ELC class to know that I have failed my LT. A 35.5 out of a 100 specifically. That just shattered me. Sure, we are given two cancellable tests but I have 3 failing LTs now to make up for. I have one last shot and I don't know how I can possibly pull this one out of the bag. My parents weren't any help either. Just now, my dad said that I will not be allowed to shift anymore. Not ever. This is it. Tough love right? Not a fan.

No one ever gave me the quiet comfort I need so much. It's all been stay strong, chin up and do your best. That's how it is at my house. There is no room for quitters or sensitivity here. Be a man, that's what they say. Never cry, what they teach you. Be pessimistic, it keeps you sane when disappointed. I hate being that person. I am not perfect. I can't pass everything in my life to keep my parents proud all the time. They don't know me well enough then that I am only human. I have my weaknesses yet now they tell me that I must not, absolutely not, fail. But what if that is what is going to happen? I can't bear the fact that my parents will not have my back when I fail. As dad said, "kung bumagsak ka at umiyak ka, di kita pa rin ipapashift. Tatapusin mo yan" Yeah, that sure gets me to a studying mood, daddy dearest. What does he know about the course I'm taking anyways? He had his own share of mistakes also. Heck, he was worse. I try my best yet if it doesn't meet to his standards, it doesn't matter. It's crap, I have to do over. Everything, just to make him look at me and not get disgusted by the fact that I cannot finish anything.

It doesn't matter anymore I guess whether or not I do my best. I guess all he wants is results. Results, grades, that diploma. All he wants is that I pass but what if I can't?! Dammit. I want him to be proud and I want to finish my business like he said and I believe in what he says but what if I can't do it? I am damned.

I need my friends now... more than ever. I need their strength and spirit to keep me floating. I have never asked anyone for strength before, given the fact that I have very pessimistic and somewhat sarcastic friends, but I wish for this one time, they will believe in what little hope I have left and keep the fire burning. I can't be perfect all the time, no one is. What happens to Superman when he needs help? Does he carry on himself? Perfect and invulnerable? Not always. Who does a Superman turn to?

It's too heavy now, the tears are starting to fall. I have admitted defeat. Writing to myself... I guess that's pathetic also... I don't have anyone to talk to so I write to myself possibly for other people to visit, read and offer me sympathy. It's pathetic; like a dog begging for a few scraps of food to be happy. That's what I am then, a pathetic miserable dog begging for pity. It's the only thing I got left then. I am now begging, begging for my friends to help me.

If it comes and I fail, I hope I would have someone to lean on to
If it comes and I pass, there will be no greater joy to know that I am not alone
If it doesn't come and I pass, everything will be back to normal. I have done it again, alone.
If it doesn't come and I fail...

...

Goodbye

Riding the Lightning
4:44 PM

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Saturday, October 01, 2005
Tornado

I'm gonna write a story. It's going to be a commitment over the free time I have during the sem break. I miss writing, I miss that feeling. It fills the void. It's the only way for me to change.

Change sucks. It's like a tornado that just drops on you. You get thrown around like a ragdoll unable to control your movements and later on before you realize it, you're on your butt on the dirt amongst the remains of your former life. Yet now as I look at myself, nothing has changed over two years and as much as I wanted stability at one point in the past, I now find myself doubting what I have said.

I never had a firm foothold of anything during the first 16 years of my life. The history of my moving from house to house is a long one (one worth telling in some later time) and each place I called home, there is a certain history that I add into my little box of stories. Each house was a new adventure and brought new experiences that helped me change to who I am now.

For those sixteen years, I have gone to same school, Xavier where I spent more time in than any one house. I made that place sort of like a second home because I new almost every place there is to go and the friends I made are like family to me yet during this time, nothing was ever at the same place. Each year brought new faces and colorful misadventures with the gang. I never really had one gang because I cannot be content to a small group of friends. In a way, I wanted to be in each circle to get the best out of everything. I never wanted to stay in the same place, I always had to look for something more. The ones who stayed with me until now are the true friends I've met along the way while some just disappear after our brief encounter.

I have had many friends leave the country and each one took away some part of me. It annoyed me that the closest friends I have end up being taken away which is why I'm always skeptic of making new friends if they only end up leaving or forgetting me. Believe me, I don't need that. Red, Manuel, JM, Angelo, Jian and soon, Glenn will leave and what's left then? There never will be a continuation to the sagas we have started. They'll all just have to end. It feels too soon to have an ending. Who will leave next? I don't know... maybe one day, it would be my turn and what then? My chapter here would close and a new one will begin elsewhere

But that's not the case

I'm not going for a while. I'm staying put. Change isn't coming at all. I miss it, really. I miss the thrill of each adventure, of each saga that each day offers. My 19th year is coming and this is probably the time then that I will mark that nothing has changed. Amazingly, after 16 years of whirlwinding changes, I have stopped for the instance and have the peace to say to myself that, "Nothing has changed". Change sucks, yes but we grow to live with it. I've lived with it for 16 years and I have hated it but it's like a wicked mistress that seems to give you something you love all the while slapping you across the face.

One day, I might wake up to another adventure and maybe then, I can get off my butt and feel myself alive once again but now, I guess, I sleep and wait until it wakes me.

Riding the Lightning
1:57 AM

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