Friday, December 30, 2005
Friday, December 16, 2005
Every night, whenever I go down to eat dinner at home, there are always two things going on. The first thing is my mom and the maid preparing dinner on the table and the second thing is my dad falling asleep on the couch while watching the evening news. Sometimes, I sit beside my dad and just happen to watch the news beside him and I noticed that, there hardly seems to be any good news at all. At this time, I get so annoyed that I just turn the channel to cartoons or see if there's anything good in the movie channels yet at the back of my mind, I want to go back to the news and hear what is going on and at often times, I do. There isn't a night when nothing tragic happens to a person, family or a nation for that matter and I am overwhelmed by the fact that death occurs at so rapid a pace and to so many a people every single night. But perhaps that is not the thing that surprises me the most. So let me continue. After a while of waiting for dinner to be prepared, my mom calls us to dinner. My dad wakes up and calls my brother down from our room then we all sit down and eat. Our dinner is quiet, talking occasionally about the day we had, while the news went on about how someone had lost a loved one to an accident or how messed up our nation is becoming. We overhear the news whilst we eat and sometimes, when we hear the rare report about something truly horrifying, we would turn our heads to see what it was and afterwards, resume our dinner, talking once again of the day we had. I often wondered how many families have dinner like us or perhaps the better question is how many people just turn their heads and never get up? We cannot ignore the fact that there are some people who just do not care as much as others about the world around them. I happen to know very well about it because I am one of those people. When one gets used to the concept that tragedies happen everyday, the easier option to take is often to just let it go or answer in the three simple words, "I don't care" because it absolves one of any attachment or any obligation to something we have no control over. The hard fact –I believe- is that if it doesn't involve us, we don’t really care about it. It's not something to be proud of. In fact, it is what's wrong with the world; more than the tragedies, more than the deaths that occur everyday and more than every bad news we hear every night in the evening news. Not being able to care means to give up hope for an opportunity to make things better. A person who says he/she doesn't care that a person has died means he/she will not lift one finger to save anyone. Apathy is a selfish crime. It encases people in their private bubble while everyone else around them carries on with the world, coming out only to take something for themselves. I had thought being apathetic is derived from the fear of being involved, of having some sort of responsibility or obligation to do something that will end in disappointment or failure. Like, even if you donate to the poor, it won’t even measure up to the needs of everyone under the poverty line. Because of this, I chose to give up on even donating because I believed it didn’t help. That is my apathy. But now as I see that many people are having the same thoughts about issues worth looking at, it honestly scared me more than the fear from my apathy. Because if everyone stopped caring, how then can we help those in need? How then can there be a better tomorrow if everyone didn't care about tomorrow? How can the world become better if there is not one shred of hope left in every person living in it? I heard a saying once that, to do nothing in the face of need, that is evil and I believe this now as I watch the news every night. Dinner ends then and everyone retreats back to their rooms to go on with their own lives. The next evening, the same thing will happen as does the night after that. Imagine how many people have dinner like ours, where we sit idly and just listen to the news, not even looking, turning heads occasionally but ultimately, resume our quiet dinner. It was then that I didn't want to be fearful of failure or the obligation to care. It had to start from somewhere and for me it starts by getting up and watching the news; to know what's going on and to find a way, no matter how small, to care. If a finger cannot be lifted to be help, how can we expect an arm to pull us up from the mud right?
Monday, December 05, 2005
Year Enders
But I am thankful for one thing though. I got to keep a lot of memories along the way. I met new friends, become closer to existing ones and rekindled old ones. If it wasn't for them, 2005 would have just been a big flop. Yesterday as my friends and cousins were coming home from EK, we shared some stories about high school days. We remembered our friend Gerome -specifically- who spiced up our high school years with kabuki dances, brain lags and cartoon-like expressions. We talked about one-man shows and lab accidents. We talked about ice cream and mayonnaise making experiments that ended in stomach aches and diarrhea. We talked about home-made race boats that sank to the bottom of the deep end of the pool. The many stories of laughter and misadventures, we were all the stars of the show back then.
We honestly missed those days when we were in control compared to now where we hardly have any. It just shows you how much life changes just as how our stories have; from fun and adventure to bitterweet endeavors tasked by college life. I think we are growing up faster than we thought. 2006 marks the twenty mark for most of the gang, I guess it will be the year when everyone's bubbles start popping, then again, we have always had a certain knack for being kids at heart, who knows right? Some of us might grow up and start in planning for their futures... Some might stay in the thirteen year old's lifestyle of videogames and fart jokes... All in all, it seems so small to observe the way people around you change because in the end, it is after all, inevitable. It will come to you eventually and it will hardly seem like a big deal.
We cannot pretend forever and say to ourselves that life can go back to the happy days. That's why time moves forward, you are not meant to go back. That's why I think life is cruel and that gives me enough reason to be reluctant of new years. I never liked new years, the fireworks are too loud and we have to go to parties I eventually pass out in. Whenever I look out my window and see the fireworks, they seem so beautiful that they light up the night Manila sky yet they have always been a harbinger of a new beginning and I was never good at beginnings. Ask anyone.
I hope this entry makes sense. I went to EK yesterday, rode rides until I can't stand anymore and spent the rest of the night watching movies with friends and family until the wee hours of the night. I just wanted to write before I do not get the chance to.
Merry Christmas and A Happy New Year Everyone
PS A Special Mention for Manuel in Canada: Hope you get better, we all miss you back here.
Riding the Lightning
8:36 AM
Dinner Like Ours
Riding the Lightning
1:04 AM
The Value of Worth
Last friday, I have had a lot of thoughts about who I am to other people. I often wanted to elude that question as much as I can because it brought out my insecurities once again but something happened on that friday night that caused me to think about it again and as much as I didn't want to, I did and it kept me up all night.
I do not get the fact that your worth is determined by how much other people value you. Does it? or is it determined by how much you value yourself? I don't know. It's one of those meaning of life questions. I don't really feel my worth because I've become saturated with my usual role in people's lives. I mean, aren't you sick of being the joker, the planner, the "just a friend" guy or whatever label everyone put on you? I hate it which is why I think I'm not comfortable when meeting new people. They tend to find a label on you for future references like, "Oh Marty, he's a writer" or "Oh Marty, he's the guy who committed social suicide the minute he enrolled in ECE". Am I worth anything else to you or am I just limited to whatever notion you have of me in your head?
Maybe one day I'll know my meaning or maybe I won't but I found an interesting thought just yesterday. As I was eating dinner, I wanted to bring out the question to my parents whether I am worth it, worth all the problems, worth all the money, worth all the effort, worth all the love they gave me. And you know what happened? I didn't dare to ask, I did not dare. They would just roll their eyes and say something like, "What are you talking about? Of course you are" or "You're being too deep again" and fact is, I am thinking too much. It's a good measure for me that when something goes over the border of actually talking to your parents about your thoughts that it should be locked up and have the key thrown away. This topic should never ever be discussed again until the appropriate time where I can discuss it with friends but for now, I'll write it down because it's been eating at me for the weekend.
Riding the Lightning
7:27 AM
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