Monday, January 30, 2006
Sentimental
Tae, nakakasenti sobra
I was downloading anime songs in this site I found and I typed in RahXePhoN, one of the best instrumented animes IMO, and I found this song, Garden of Everything. Now, I can't seem to stop hearing it. It's soooo beautiful, it's making my eyes water and heart melt. In other words, I'm becoming emo and senti again... lupit ng RahXePhoN gago
Riding the Lightning
11:56 PM
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Sunday, January 29, 2006
My Nostalgia

"This man is Edgar Rene Figaro. He is the King of Figaro Castle which is found south of Narshe. Edgar is a wise king who is very also very proficient with tools and mechanical works. His reign was decided on a coin toss with his brother Sabin, and he fixed the toss so that his brother can be free and the he will solely carry the burden of kingship. He is my favorite FF6 character"
I spent my Saturday in an odd way as I went with my family to celebrate Chinese New Year. I didn't want to at first because I had math midterms to study on Monday but I really didn't have a choice so I went. First stop was my father's side which was held just a house away. You know, it's quite sad to see that out of 8 uncles and aunts, only 3 of them show up. I've always seen my father's side of the family as disfunctional since most of them are always fighting. It's a pride kind of thing when you think about it. Believe me, I've crossed that pride many a times. Am I to grow up just like my father then? Maybe, I don't know... on the side note, my cousin Iris just passed the ACET. I guess that's two of us who are in Ateneo. Congrats cuz
Next stop was my Mother's side of the family. They lived in Cubao. As far as I remembered, grandma had always lived in Cubao. It always feels nostalgic whenever I go to her house even if she had moved thrice already. I've spent my childhood in those houses in Cubao and I never seem to forget it whenever I step in. It's a warm atmosphere when I went in. My uncles and aunts were already eating on the table and they looked so happy -contrary to my dad's-. What breaks my heart though is when I had to make my offering of incense (or popi) I am reminded of the person who isn't around anymore... my grandfather. I miss him... I'd always warn him about his smoking and he'd always be ashamed to smoke whenever I was around haha. How ironic was it that his habit eventually... led to his passing. I guess I've always kind of blamed myself... growing up, I wasn't the kid who'd always tell his grandpa "smoking is bad" anymore... I didn't realize it until I was beside him on his deathbed that what I had said mattered in the meantime. I was so glad when he remembered my name before he passed away... he didn't remember anyone else too well anymore... but he did in my case... I miss him...
Last stop was Congressional, the building complex I have spent a good number of years in. It was this big two story building complex which my grandma gave to my dad. Over the course of my life, that place has always been the home I recognized. I think it suited what my family was, it was home and a business place. In my family, business will always be a part of the mix. The failures and successes made us who we are now. Now though, that home of ours has been renovated. I've heard that it's going to be an investment and we actually discussed about it some time back. The plan was that they were going to tear down Congressional and build a commercial building in its place to generate us some income since our other businesses are going down the drain.
What does that mean? It meant that the home I had for over two decades now will be torn down that's what. That place has always been my batcave. It has all these nooks and crannies which were always so cool in the days. I went to my old room then. I never liked staying in my room to sleep, it was always scary because I watched too many horror movies where monsters come out of the bed. So my parents had this divider between my room and theirs (that was gone now) and I'd always end up sleeping in their room every night. My room then was actually a storage room for my toys. I had this big cabinet where I assembled them like a little army of mine. When I went in, the cabinet was still there but the toys weren't, barely anything was.
We also had an interesting treat today, we found our parents' wedding video! Now I told Sophia once that I was one who shed tears during weddings and guess what, my mom agreed. She told me that back when I was four, I cried while watching the video. She asked me why and I said I was crying because I wasn't in the video haha. Apparently, I wasn't even concieved yet hehe. What are you gonna do, I was four then but I guess that kind of explains why I cry during weddings.
My parents' wedding was cool. My brother pointed out that I looked like my dad back in the day and what do you know, I kind of do haha. The wedding tape was funny because my mom was dishing out her own commentaries as the tape went on. Everything was so serious then my mom would just butt in and say what REALLY happened haha. One thing to point out was how my dad looked sooooo bored during the priest's speech and my mom was nudging him to stay awake haha, apparently, my dad is not very receptive to the English language and what do you know, the priest was American. My dad was so nervous when he said his vows, he kept stuttering over and over. My mom couldn't stop laughing when she saw that scene again.
My mom told me something about grandpa on that day. She told me he was so happy when she was getting married. My mom's older sister had always been the "favorite" and grandpa had big things planned for her but well... circumstances had her marry early and to poor consent by my grandparents. My mom told me grandpa cried during her sister's wedding and was all smiles in hers. Well... maybe that's why I guess grandpa was extra nice to me and I was extra nice to him. Weird.
Most of these stories my mom told me are lost in my memory though. When I was in a coma, everything was kind of erased from that year down. It's sad really, I kind of feel like I lost something valuable but I guess there's no point in looking back too much, I have to look forward now and leave some things behind. Goodbye old room, Goodbye old house. I had some good times in the old batcave, my first adventures started there as well as my life.
Isn't it weird how it is coincidentally Chinese New Year? It's like a look back in time...
Riding the Lightning
12:31 AM
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Monday, January 23, 2006
Spidey

"He was wrong, dad. From great responsibility, comes great power"
I always liked Spiderman. He has always been my hero because it was like he understood everything I was going to go through growing up. To face grades, girls and the typical problems of teenage life, he was the most human of superheroes which is why there are many who see him as one of the best. The dream of a geek having superpowers and saving the world seems like such a magical fantasy for one such as me and from that, I have learned to embrace the challenges ahead but I guess like Spidey, it wasn't all costume and theatrics, he was also Peter Parker behind the mask.
I read Earth X after a while and it changed the way I looked at my costumed hero. Twenty years later, Peter became a shadow of his former self as the burden of his responsibilities finally shattered him. When everyone had powers of their own, there was no responsibility left for Spidey since everyone had their own powers thus their own responsibilities. Finally, Peter was able to live the life always denied of him and there I perhaps knew more than ever, who was Spiderman.
I have learned that Parker hated being Spiderman. Given a choice, he would never have chosen to become the webslinger. Given a chance, he would've settled happily with the woman he loved. But like everything else, life wasn't perfect. Maybe the fact that he was more human than hero, made his pain even more real.
One of his best villains was the Green Goblin. A lot of people usually think that GG was just a psycho on a bat glider. More then that, he was the father of Parker's best friend who he later on had to dispose of to save his "love" Mary Jane. Parker never loved MJ... Parker had always loved Gwen Stacy, who fell victim to GG. Mary Jane and his best friend, Harry, were the ones to be. When Gwen was taken away, Parker hated to face life alone and soon fell for MJ but that's the thing I discovered about my hero, he hated being alone, he needed someone to be there. If you think about it, MJ was the rebound girl but who would blame him, he's only human.
Parker had a lot of sins in his time as Spiderman. He killed his best friend's father and stole his woman, think about it. Ultimately, these two best friends faced their issues, ironically, in the guise of masks: Parker as Spiderman and Osborn as the Green Goblin II. Whenever I think about it, I marvel at the drama it took to lead to this climatic end yet I cheered for Spidey to beat the Goblin as I was a child who only understood that the good guys always win. Who was the good guy then? Spidey? It hardly seems like it but it still a matter of the greater evil, Spiderman would win. The lesser sinner gets the lesser punishment.
I saw the real Spiderman then. He was just a man, no more than any other person. He was not a hero, it was imposed on him. The great power comes great responsibility belief of his gave him the morale to don the mask but really... he didn't live a life meant for him. He cursed himself whenever he puts on the mask. He can never be himself, he could never face the thing he was doing over and over again. He hated to risk his life and others in what he does. He was never meant to be a hero. All those years of believing in him seemed to come crashing down on me as I finally knew but later on, I came to see what it felt like to be... like him.
I knew now how it felt to live with the regrets and sins of the past. I seem to face everyday with constant reminders of the things I have done. Sometimes, it's too much to bear. It feels like your chest is being stabbed over and over again, gashing and ripping your soul deeper and deeper. To top it all of, you seem so alone in the world. Nothing goes right and you feel like you're falling and it doesnt seem to stop. You want the fall to end, to break your bones, to shatter your innards - to kill you - but you just pick up speed, never seeming to crash. You meet a person who you think can make everything better but deep down, it's a lie. You feel desperate and you frantically whore yourself to anyone with enough pity to give you a chance. It all hurts. It all fucking hurts.
You put on a mask to make it easier to live with yourself. You put on a smile to keep people away. You put a stupid status in YM to attract attention no one ever notices anyway because everyone has their own lives to worry about. You write in your blog because you cannot seem to control your fingers or your heart to broadcast your pain for everyone to see. And later on, you see people asking "are you okay?" and "do you want to talk?" and you think about whether to tell them the truth or say something like, "I'm doing fine. I just had a burst of rage to exhaust" and choose the latter because it seemed easier to face problems yourself. But that's a lie. You do it to make yourself feel better by having people seem like they care. That's the truth. The people who seemed to make everything better is lost and all you have are people who try.
I always thought that I lived the life Spidey had on paper and maybe that's exactly the case... so he will always be my hero no matter what because later on, in that 20 years in the future comic, he had learned to face his sins and regrets. Maybe I can too, maybe I won't but I want to get there maybe. He just lived his life and took the lemons to turn into lemonade. Though it hits me, at everytime I close the book, that he was fiction and I was real and happy endings even an ending such as his, is not always possible in the real world.
Spidey will always be my hero. He taught me how to grow up and live. Even if it meant to live a life of sin and regrets...
Riding the Lightning
11:37 PM
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Saturday, January 21, 2006
I Oppose and I Embrace...
Been a while eh?
I can't say anything new happened during the week, it's your typical shit on a typical day. I hung out with Myles during Friday and was cozying into our clan in RF. It's fun because then, I'd be with James and Myles in a game haha. I played dota also on friday for one guy but I went toe to toe with the Korean fury of Dota God Vin and pulled an upset 30 minute victory! A great Dota ender for the week if I might say so myself.
In other news, my blockmates and I have begun filming our Noli Me Tangere video. We wanted to do it early before things pile up by next week. My god, no one really knew how to act. Price to pay for being an engineer I say. It's fantastic the way you think everything is going well but it doesn't. Like, I prayed that my math midterms and ELC test won't stack on the same day and later on, I realize that they were both moved but on the same day. Wow, sucks.
It has also been a trying week emotionally for some friends of mine. A dilemma was thrown into my face when someone told me how I should do my job as a friend which really upset me. So I sometimes wonder if what I'm doing is right which later on led to a conversation with Richmond. I don't usually talk to Mon unless it's something that's really eating me so this is one of those things. I can't disclose what exactly happened so this may come out as a rant but what the hell right? I'll tell you one thing though, I can't walk away.
Aside from my personal dilemma, other people have been having problems of their own. I sometimes wonder if it becomes worth it after the pain. After all, as Richmond said, the onset of growth is pain. I guess you have to be able to live through something to grow from it. Telling yourself everything's still okay or blaming others for your misfortune is just prolonging the inevitable, if not denying it... which makes it harder. You can really tell a person by how he/she deals with pain. Some will realize how really weak they are, some will realize how stubborn they can be, some will point fingers and some -a rare few- can try to make things better.
No matter what anyone says, people hate getting hurt. No matter how much they say they are used to it or have figured out everything about it, it is something we can never get used to. It brings out the worst in people. You see how weak or how vulnerable our lives are. Thinking the world revolves around your pain is a self-centered way of thinking, thinking everyone should give a damn about your problems is just asking for pity and yet we do that to make ourselves feel better. We exaggerate our problems to a point where we are so desperate to find answers or resolutions that we don't see the simplest solutions or the main cause of our pain. In our frustrations, our judgment gets clouded and sometimes we hurt the ones we care for.
What then right?
The thing I'm afraid of is to one day find myself to have lost everything before I even know and I always want to remind myself of that. Being the person who I was back then taught me very important lessons and yes I have undergone pain and frustrations but I had good friends to keep a straight head for me. Friends who made me open my eyes to who I am and eventually change me. I can only hope to be that kind of friend to everyone else... though I can't blame the people who think what I'm doing is "wrong". This means you, whom I make this concern to.
Let me just leave this short line from talking with Berk:
Marty: we are NOT a barkada
Berk: oo nga no
Marty: we're a group of friends revolving around 1 or two ppl at a time
Berk : hey maybe this is like, the next step to friendship
Berk : you know, maybe kada's are like training wheels
Marty : a barkada is a brotherhood, in bulk
Marty : a friendship is a brotherhood, in person
Berk : niiiice
Marty : amazingly cheesy hahahaha
Well, I guess that's it after this long drought. I'll push the unpause button of my life now.
P.S. God Bless and Rock On to John Isiderio who played in the SOSE show last friday. My best wishes to Stanley in his upcoming hell week. Loads of support I wish for Berkeley's Afgha 2 story. And finally, God Help My Soul for what I am doing.
"Experiences are being unconsciously tatoo'd unto me"
Riding the Lightning
9:24 PM
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Tuesday, January 17, 2006
Hemisphere
In any case, what can I possibly do? What can I do to change the reality of this confined garden? |
I haven't even lived through half of my life yet I oppose and I embrace Experiences are unconciously tatooed onto me |
When I'm in serious trouble Challenges also grab at me I was able to see my existence for the first time Towards a huge field, somewhere bigger and deeper I can only go to a world which exceeds expectations |
Tell me the meaning of "power" I wonder if it's something I can go through Or even if I devote myself Can I protect the things which I must protect? |
Clouds of dust whip up in the savannas of gazelles Until the winds die down, they must remain inside |
People continue to walk Just to live I move on as the incomplete data is re-written It seems I've started walking alone in the wilderness Until I become more confident I want to live up to myself |
Where did I come from long ago? Where is the distant future heading? I was abandoning it before I could notice it It seems I've started walking alone in the wilderness Until I become more confident I want to live up to myself |
When I'm in serious trouble Challenges also grab at me I was able to see my existense for the first time Towards a huge field, somewhere bigger and deeper I can only go to a world which exceeds expectations |
I want to know more about myself |
Riding the Lightning
6:49 AM
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Sunday, January 15, 2006
Ctrl + K for Kid Thunder
Alright! Kid Thunder is back for new adventures
This week was spent in trying to reconstruct the story of Kid Thunder, my superhero creation from 3rd year high school. Various people helped during that time, talented and creative people who wanted to see the character come to life this time was no different as Berkeley helped me bring the story back to life as well as give the old characters a new makeover.
The comeback was kind of weird because it was time when Berk and I found ourselves in a writing drought. The ideas were not coming in and school wasn't making it any better. I found myself in a slump actually because I wasn't getting anywhere in anything so... why not write something fun and whats more fun than writing Kid again. hahaha
Episode 1 is done, check it out in the fictionpress link.
Hell week is upon me so get ready for some depressing entries soon on your way next week~
Riding the Lightning
4:09 PM
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Saturday, January 07, 2006
Sinking into Silence
Yesterday, as the day ended with a grueling ELC quiz, Carlos and I were walking down Faura up to the car lot and I was talking about how that quiz might have sealed the deal with my ELC class for the semester. He countered my rants by saying something about smiles.
You do not smile because you're happy, it's the other way around. You smile first before you become happy. True fact as he said as we waved goodbye to go on our separate ways. As much as I smile in front of people, I cannot escape the basic truth that I am not at all happy. I would like to refute Carlos' statement but I held back because I was sure that I might snap at him and regret it later and after all, he was just trying to lighten up my spirit after that quiz.
So what happened was, when I was in the car, I began to think again -as I always do- about where my road is going. That thought always bubbles up whenever I drive in the car and with my music playing, (a beautiful collection of melancholic soul) I can't help but somehow shed a tear and begin to realize that I keep forgetting that life -mine especially- is like drowning in a pool. Drowning in a pool is a very quiet way of dying. Your voice is muffled as water fills your lungs and as frantic as you try to scream, no one really hears you. Your hands and feet claw for stability but you only find yourself falling into an eternal blue. Your eyes begin to dim as you sink further down, like a final curtain call as you make that transition into the unknown. Ah yes, life is like a drowning pool and I'm swimming in it.
Back in the car, I really wanted to talk to someone about my problems and people started coming to mind; people who told me that I could trust them, that they would listen, that they would care. I almost asked but in the end, I didn't as I realized that I was afraid to do so. The fear of being vulnerable crept up on me again and as I have done in so many occassions, I just sat back down and kept quiet. It's hard to trust someone, even if that someone is my best friend, or a person who happens to understand. Because I think I just want to fail and get it over with. I want to be hurt badly that I will never get up ever again. I want to sink so low that I would disappear and be forgotten to have ever existed. I hate myself so much that I want to see myself fall and die. What friend of mine, would allow me to do that?
So I sit idly on my chair, thinking about life or death, silent and still as the music played its dismal tunes. My fingers beat along with the tunes of the song and just as easily as it appeared, my thoughts of despair and angst disappear back in the recesses of my mind. The feeling of being trapped and hopeless can drive any person to lunacy and for me, my own trap happens to be... myself, ironically, as I have deviced my own failures and my own hole to fall into... or perhaps in the best sense, dug my own pool to drown in.
Riding the Lightning
9:58 AM
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Sunday, January 01, 2006
The 2006 Fireworks
I spent the night of New Year's Eve on the rooftop of my home, among my family and cousins from Iloilo. Prior to the scene, we just came from a family reunion that I will cherish for the rest of my life. The party was great, there were a lot of good food and all my cousins went which was so great!
Let me give a brief background first. Ten or so years ago, I along with these cousins of mine lived in my grandparent's home in the suburbs of Cubao. Those were when I spent my childhood. My cousins were like my brothers and sisters, I was an only child then but I was never lonely because I had them. Eventually, we parted ways. Their dad had a job in Iloilo so their whole family moved. I often asked when they would come back and the answer was always a shake of the head. In later years, my cousin BJ, who was the same age as I, would visit and we would have a great time reminiscing the times we had in that humble home in Cubao. These year though, it was different since everyone came back and once again, I felt like I had a complete family again.
The thing with the party was that it seemed like ten years ago again. Everyone was drinking and eating happily around the huge rectangle table in grandma's house. I was sitting beside my cousin BJ and I had my hands over my ears because I was deathly afraid of fireworks and he, swell guy that he is, would put his hand on my shoulder and make some joke saying how I never changed. He'd call me Mato as he always did because it annoyed me to be called so back in the day and he would watch the fireworks with utmost delight. It was as if the years apart never went by.
As the clock ticked 12am, we wished each other a happy new year. Everyone of us up on the roof grouphugged and said our happy new years. It was great. I could've cried if the fireworks didn't scare me haha. But that's the point, I realized that I will never get rid of my fear of fireworks every new year because it reminds me of how my family would always be there to tell me there is nothing to be afraid of.
Riding the Lightning
8:39 PM
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