The Lonely Road

Thursday, March 30, 2006
I'm Dreaming of Today's Tomorrow

It's been a great five days so far as can be seen by my inability to get up from bed today. My bones are aching and my stomach seems to have a major hangover. Another Marty week? Hell yeah!

Friday - Saturday (Let me breeze through this)
1. Last ELC test of the year (Finally, Hell's over)
2. 129
3. XS (ah, it was nice to get back to the old school, so many memories. I sang the school song hehe still know it by heart)
4. Congo Grill (ate dinner for my brother's graduation)
5. House
6. 129
7. Timog (We had our first pustahan dota game, and we won! Our team has finally achieved a certain level of recognition)
8. Inuman (I don't really go to inumans but I was just crashing at Ben's for the night. I had my first Tequilla shot haha. People are so different when drunk. I don't think I'd ever want to be)
9. Tal's Place (since his place was closer, we decided to crash there after inuman. Arrived at 4am, ate this phallic looking burger sandwich at ministop, watched anime, slept for an hour)
10. Ben's Place (One hour later, got up, took a bath and headed for Ben's)
11. 129 (3rd time in the last 24 hours, readied ourselves for tourney. Got some extra Z's)
12. Sampaloc (Very far ride. Lost first round, curse continues. But then, we didn't practice so couldn't help it)
12. 129 (Wash away the loss by pawning noobs)
13. House (sleep til sunday)

Sunday
I rested on Sunday, got a PS2 so I got to play Alpha 3. YEHEY!

Monday
Basketball plan was cancelled. Kind of panicked cuz I couldn't cook. Was able to cook rice and nuke a chicken.

Tuesday
Bro wasn't at home. Scrapped Basketball and went to play Dota with Glenn, Stan and Myles instead. Strategized lineups at Wok This Way over sisig and sweet and sour fish. Poor noobs never saw it coming. Respect +50

Wednesday
BASKETBALL! After two years of no basketball, went to play. No more stamina so got tired by the 2nd hour. SHOT OVER STANLEY but he beat me, damn big man defense. Ate at Teriyaki Boy. My god, spent Php450 there but well worth it, I miss the TOFU. Talked about Basketball memories.

AND TODAY...
My cousin dropped by! Yehey! What a fun week. Will update when I have time again. Back to summer fun whoahow

Riding the Lightning
8:41 PM

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Friday, March 17, 2006
All It Takes

I know I shine, I shine like a star -- and I strike, as furious as the lightning

As finals week finally draws its final curtains on the suffering multitudes of the Ateneo, I -who now takes a few seconds of breath- realize that I can actually survive. Quickly reviewing the semester, the start was rocky, the middle was depressing and the end seemed to tie everything together then you sprinkle in the various ups, downs, cheers and tears THEN you have something to write about.

The days are getting longer now as I find myself sleeping more and more to the hymm of the midnight chime. Been a long since I had this feeling again. I always felt that the stillness of midnight was my sort of sanctuary from this fast-changing world. Admit it people, life's too fast for us to catch up with. It's always nice to smell the flowers, even if it is not the brightest day.

I decided to write something yesterday (funny how you get ideas in the bathroom). Nearing the end of the sem, I guess I decided it might be time to wrote something totally new instead of reviving characters over and over again. They have to be let go.

I had this chat with Berkeley and he said he'll revive Mirage, his story that started back in high school. Maybe that's why I wanted to write something new also. High School has been two years ago and a lot has happened, a lot to write about. I could never really write the things I did in HS, they were too flat and naive but I guess Berk could, his story started out pretty complete. Different for every person I guess.

I tried writing new stories every so often and they always fall flat on their face because I always had something to do. With one pc at home, I find it a hard to find time to write. I don't know what's with me, I can't write when it's morning or when I'm not talking to someone; in contrast to two years ago when I could write for hours on end. Have I lost my passion? Jesus, I hope not. I just lack inspiration s'all. I guess back in the day I was writing because it was fun and people liked it... but now it became sort of like an outlet for emotions making it rather erratic and indecisive. Never write out of rage, you'll get nowhere fast, I say.

In the end, when you write something, I guess you're doing it for yourself rather than other people. Back in the day, whenI wrote something I send it out to friends to have em read and compliment, like some sort self-gratifying act I've grown to enjoy. When everyone graduated, life turned serious and the fire was being put out. Everyone had their own business, they didn't have time for stories, they were growing up and where was I then? I was desperately trying to get back "my touch" because I believed I had lost it when no one was complimenting anymore. So then came the piles and piles of unfinished stories, all of which were attempts to have people give me a pat on the back. Maybe that's how this blog got started also, you think?

I never lost my touch, I just wrote for the wrong reasons. I still find it hard to stop open Word once in a while and type at least one sentence into a story. Shouldn't that mean something?

My story has to be written for my sake, not others. Only then can I be satisfied and finally see an ending to make it complete. I never took any workshops for writing, I just learned to love it; maybe that's enough then again maybe not, but I'm guessing for anyone who is really into writing stories, it comes to a point where we have to accept that not everyone has the time to appreciate your story but you. And maybe, that's all it takes.

Riding the Lightning
6:39 PM

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Tuesday, March 14, 2006
Within a Short Interval

(First of all, I sincerely apologize to my friends for being unbearable in ym. PLDT's not been kind)

Line open...

Man, I wish summer was here already. Aside from six straight days of driving, I have to deal with my ever dwindling health which is a result from my breaching stress levels. I swear if it wasn't for my blockmates suffering the same as I do, I'd just die haha. You can say I've become better friends with some of them because of our mutual predicament. The long hours into the night typing papers, editting videos and studying has finally gotten me by the balls. Carlos, Ray, Marc, Aldrin, been a great week eh? hahahaha

I miss my friends really. Everyone's been busy so they don't really give me the time of day but then again, you have those friends of yours who still talk to you even if they're busy. The funny thing is, they often disturb whatever the hell it is you were doing but what the hell, it's always a good chat right? Cheers goes to Berk, Charmie, AC, Myles and Ben for conversations in YM that kept me from going insane from writing papers and giving me the time for a chat hahaha.

Some of my links here died... yet some of them are back! I need more blogging friends. I look like a loser here, hehe konti kaibigan alat

People to pray for... I pray for myself, I hope to survive this sem. I also pray for the problems my friends are facing that they don't tell me about (labo). I pray for my blockmates, for them to keep their scholarships and not end up like silly ol me. I pray for the heartbroken ones, so that they move on, be better rather than bitter (lately everyone has a sad love story wth). Finally, I pray for Gerome and James who are in DLSU, tiis lang bros haha.

Songs? Latest is the album One Thing Remains by Default. Fell in love with every song (that's right, every song) -- theme? the pain of love lost haha. Bitter me? not at all, just missing the feeling. How long has it been since I felt that warm fuzzy feeling? Been long, been cold. Been listening to Fuel as well. Goo Goo Dolls. Graduated from angry metal music to sentimental / melancholic alternative rock. My, my, does time fly.

On TV, Fushigi Yuugi marathon every weekend. Love story again bleh, isn't Valentines over? Jerry Springer is on to guarantee dumbing effect on brain. Late night talk shows to keep things noisy, well, late at night. WWE to entertain me on weekend nights. Nothing really good unless you count HBO and Star Movies. Oh yeah, HOUSE is coming back. Something to look forward to in the summer. Movies? V for Vendetta starts showing now. No date (obvious?). Looking for people to go with me. Come on guys, it's V for fuckin Vendetta! A literary masterpiece

Writing? Nada, brain's on acad mode. Blogging to keep writing sharp

Graduates for this year -- My bro's going to High School! My cousin Iris, just passed Ateneo! Jao passed Ateneo too! All of us just graduated Hi165. I graduated from totally sad to totally sarcastic again. My brother has graduated from hip hop to j-pop. So many graduates my golly. Is everyone growing up?

Summer plans? Overnight most likely. Where? Berk's or my house. Basketball daw -- man, I suck now. Get thin again? -- Eat nothing, exercise, faint to go to sleep, wake up, repeat cycle. CUT HAIR. Cousin going to visit before holy week, need to show him around. APRIL 7, Martin's birthday -- have to ready stories. Buy comics? Dota with friends. PS2 party at Tal's. EK hopefully with block. Develop writing and drawing skills again. Go on a date? -- will probably not happen hahaha.

DSL still on the fritz... end transmission

Riding the Lightning
9:40 PM

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Thursday, March 09, 2006
Just One of Those Days

I wish I could whisper everything I wanted you to know without the fear that you will walk away. Without the fear that you will run into darkness, never to be seen again. Do not leave me please because more than anything, anyone, I need you. Though I will never feel your touch again or hear your voice comfort me in the dark serene night, the memory that you have left will keep me warm through the coldness of my loneliness. I never knew hell could be so cold.

If I could have told you when I was a bit more certain, things might be different or maybe if I chose to deny my heart, I wouldn't have had to feel the pain I now have. The place where you resided in my heart is now an empty void that nobody can seem to fill. You were my heart, you kept the blood in me flowing, you kept me warm. You kept me alive. So how did it feel, when you turned and walked away from me? Can you understand the abandon I felt? How the world seemed pointless without you... how it didn't matter because you weren't with me anymore?

I walk down my lonely road once again, the wind was cold as the last remaining leaves start to fall all around me, like the way I am learning to let go of the love you have shown me. I will never learn to let you go but I can try, I can only hope to because I know it will not stop hurting until I do so. Do you remember when we walked down this road and I told you, I'm so happy you're here? I repeat the words over and over now, still hanging on to a small hope that you were still beside me or that I will see you ahead of me, waving and smiling that smile of yours that meant the world to me.

It shouldn't hurt like this. It hurts whenever a song plays. It hurts whenever I find myself with no one because it reminds me of how you never left me, how you would never leave. Words can only try to describe. No one to catch me when I fall, broken-hearted, afraid and alone, I only have that memory of you to keep me strong and even when I have let you go, to deny what happened between us is to deny the fact that I was once happy.

It only hurts when your eyes are open
Lies get tossed and truth is spoken
It only hurts when that door gets open
Dreams are lost and hearts are broken

Riding the Lightning
6:43 AM

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Tuesday, March 07, 2006
Love

It hurts the most when you see that no one is actually there

Riding the Lightning
1:15 AM

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Saturday, March 04, 2006
Fuel is My Addiction

Take this

"Kid, people up here do not know what we do. They still think that they are living safe and secure lives."

"What is it that we do?" he asked, "Felnon keeps saying, we are protecting people here but from what? Richmond says we should protect them from themselves but, why would they want to harm each other in the first place?"

"You have a lot to learn, kid. People make mistakes, you know that right? And well, people can make really big mistakes often, caused from misunderstanding and pride, human fallacies, you see."

"So we are protecting people from their mistakes?"

"Well, kind of. They tend to go too far also and that"s where we come in. We do not let it get too far. People don't see when they do, kid. It's another flaw. We don't realize that we have gone too far until we do. Often, hurting other people in the way."

Ah, the old Dream Machine. Don't you love going back to old stories? I happen to do. I wrote this about a year back and I still remember how fresh the idea of this story went. People were stupid mistake making beings that didn't know when to stop.

The fun thing that I probed through with this idea that we never realize our mistakes until it was too late. The ultimate irony, I say. With a clear head and a working brain, we could very well avoid mistakes and it is often that very feeling that we feel whenever we have done something wrong. It's like taking a test. You answer some numbers and by the end, when you realize that you made a mistake and you say to yourself, "Heck, I knew the answer. How careless I was. Why didn't I think of that??"

I guess I think that's the great thing about being human after all. I used to hate people or humanity for that matter because we never seem to learn. We are so flawed. Everything seems imperfect, so incomplete. The only thing that you can expect to happen properly is that you will be born, live and ultimately die. Why hate such an essential thing?

Hahaha, mistakes, mistakes, mistakes. Everyone makes em, why fight it. All we can really hope is to learn from them and move on to better things. I made mistakes a lot of times but not usually committing one to myself, that's just stupid but hey, a person can change. We all hope to. The great thing about mistakes for me is that, I can write about them. Sure, I may be an object of ridicule or scrutiny but then again, it's not like I'm going to run any longer from them am I?

Let me rant a little bit more. Why is it when you say I love you to someone then that someone rejects you, the whole world changes? I was watching Curious Play (Fushigi Yuugi) in Animax just a while ago when this whole scene where the girl tells the guy she fell in love with him and the guy rejects her happens. Wow, story of my love life haha but really, I think it's a lot more common than I thought. Apparently, this void is created once the dreaded three words are uttered. Why? embarrassment I guess. We, and by we I mean the busted rejects, usually wonder what the awkward silence is all about and usually, it is labelled by a BIG MISTAKE on the part of the person saying he/she loves person 2. Honestly? I think it is never a big mistake to do so. The only mistake, I think, you can do in the situation is that you never get everything out in the open or in the case of person 2, didn't end things in a complete sentence.

The funnier thing is, when it's all over, you get that question again. "Now why did I do that? It sounded so stupid" like that test question I stated above. Bam! It's got you, your brain failed you again haha but it's not like you can do anything about it, it's done. We are so flawed and yet, so wonderfully inadequate to become perfect at the same time. Gotta love it

Riding the Lightning
11:28 PM

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