The Lonely Road

Wednesday, April 26, 2006
Happy

I first want to apologize to the people who I recklessly let loose my rage upon. That would be Myles and Glenn. Sorry guys, I know it goes against your -somewhat- disillusioned notion that "Marty is always happy" but really, if anyone, and I do mean anyone, really knew me as well... they'd say you are wrong. Dead wrong.

I am never happy at all.

When I come home, you know what greets me? Nothing and no one. I park the car in the driveway, get my keys from my wallet while the goddamn dog stares at me like an idiot. It's too hot and I can't open the AC because we're conserving money. I go to my room to find my brother, with the tv and computer open at the same time. I want to use the TV but I can't cuz he's watching FRIENDS for the nth time and I can't use the pc I JUST FIXED FOR TWO DAYS WITHOUT EVEN A THANK YOU. Pick one idiot.

Not being able to bear anymore arguments with the fucking imbecile, I decided to take some dvds and watch downstairs, that the genius sibling of mine used as a stand for the dvd. When I took it out, there were words which ended in me going downstairs. I watched my movies quietly downstairs as I tried as much as I can to relieve myself of the anger I was feeling. I have this anger everyday in my life and as much as possible, I try to keep it away from prying eyes then again, there are those days.

Parents come home which means, time to go to work. I can't watch my movie anymore since it has been abruptly cut by orders to help fix the table for dinner. I paused it. My brother doesn't come down to help. When he DOES come down it was already time to eat in which he snatches the remote away from me and switches to the TV. Fucker. I already fucking went down for him not to disturb me but he comes down and thinks he's so big. I swear, I'd want to punch him square in the face and bash his head into the TV and say, "GO EAT IT, PIG" in front of my parents but what would that lead me; one of those talks that it will always be my fault. My fault. My fault. My fault. My fault. I've grown tired of hearing that. Sick and tired. When will it ever become his own fault. Why am I the scapegoat. Why is it when he does the deed, WE get scolded and I end up fixing things while he goes off scott-free?

Tell me, when does it end being my fault

I already requested to have me move out of my room anyways. I WANT to get rid of him. I'll take my belongings and move rooms. Sure, he uses the pc but then again, he breaks it, I have to fix it. I spent two days fixing and for what? Asshole. He's growing up to be one of the people I grew up hating. If that's the case, I have to apologize but I'm not associating with my brother anymore. He's an inconsiderate, self-absorbed asshole who I myself am baffled to how I am related to him by blood.

Next. Rewind back to dinner and you find me and my parents eating. My brother went off on his fits again and decided to abstain from dinner. Just because he thinks he can cook automatically makes him exempted from eating and going upstairs to sulk. When I try to talk to my parents about my problem, you know what they said? "Pass the vegetables" Yeah, I'm completely ignored. I get no respect from my brother and my parents ignore me, peachy. Right then, I just wanted to throw my plate at the wall and say, "What's the fucking point?" but again, I just sat back and finished my dinner. What was I expecting anyway? It's always like this. I should get used to it.

Finally, I got the downstairs again. Everybody went up already and I didn't want to hang around these people at all. What would await me is my parents AND brother hogging up the room, leaving me with nothing. No thank you. Something keeps telling me that I need to get it in my head to just flat out throw away the hope I have for my family to see me as someone better than just their throwrag and you know what, I'm starting to believe that.

The number of times anyone has done something really nice to me, I can count on my one hand. What I get from my family is sustinence, I don't feel anything else. My friends... I don't know, most of what I hear from them is that, I am happy so they don't need to listen to my problem or they will beat me or want to take away my would-be happy demeanor by something. I end up being betrayed by those who I trust so what can I say. If that doesn't happen, my closest friends end up leaving so why should I trust anyone to hear me out when they either, betray or leave?

They call me evil... but what have I done but desperately cry for help.
They say it's my fault... but what have I done wrong.
They betray or leave... do I deserve it even if I try so much to absolve past sins.

They say that I'm always happy... do you know me at all?

Riding the Lightning
10:06 PM

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Thursday, April 20, 2006
Six Weird Habits

Okay, I just found out what I have to do since Charmie tagged me for this so this is it. I, being tagged, have to post 6 weird habits on my blog and then list 6 other people I am to tag to have them do the same thing. Easy enough? Okay here goes

1) I need exactly 3 pillows to sleep soundly. One for my head, one to hug and one to cover my head because I developed a fear of my head being crushed by the ceiling when I sleep.

2) Whenever I play video games on a controller, I have to cover my thumb with my shirt. It used to only happen when I play fighting games but it kinda developed into a compulsion.

3) Sometimes when I can't sleep, I talk to myself to sleep. I find myself incredibly boring that I can talk myself to sleep. It's usually a way for me to suggest what I'm going to dream and later write about but it didn't work haha.

4) When I get stressed, I turn a lot more happier. People say that I become a lot more funnier and better to get along with. I also have bursts of philosophical epiphanies, moments of insanity and my inhibitions are lowered to a point where I let my guard down and make a fool of myself.

5) When I get nervous, I hum rap songs or I Believe I Can Fly or I Can Go The Distance

6) I do not like being touched. If anyone touches me, I feel uncomfortable; especially girls, I blush immediately. Even when family members hug me, I feel uncomfortable. I just don't like it okay?

Now for the 6 people...
1. Myles
2. Stanley
3. Roma
4. Lynn (who shares the same blog as Roma haha daya)
5. Marc
6. AC

Riding the Lightning
4:02 PM

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Wednesday, April 19, 2006
Anywhere But Here

For this entry, I would like to point out a very interesting yet intriguing episode from the Sandman. I also especially love this story. For those who are keen on Greek Mythology, this is Orpheus' story.

There was a young man to be wed one day. His name was Orpheus and he was a talented musician, as well as Dream's son from Calliope, the muse of music. It was Orpheus' wedding day as the story started and everything was being set. His bride-to-be Eurydice, was preparing for a big day when a tragedy occured. She was bitten by a poisonous snake and died.

Orpheus was ridden with despair as he saw his bride, his love being taken away by Death. Yet, as the romantic as he was, he didn't want to let it go. He did not attend her funeral because he chose not to let her go. Instead, he sought his father Dream for help...

"You should have gone to the funeral"

"Why?"

"To say goodbye"

"I have not yet said goodbye to Eurydice"

"You should. You are mortal, it is the mortal way. You attend the funeral, you bid the dead farewell. You grieve. Then you continue with your life. And at the times the fact of her absence will hit you like a blow to the chest, and you will weep. But this will happen lesss and less as time goes on. She is dead. You are alive. So live."

Orpheus, stubborn as he was, didn't want to accept it and when Dream refused to help him get Eurydice back from the Underworld, he denounced his relationship with his Father.

So it was then Orpheus found a way to get Eurydice back. He sought his aunt Death for help. Death took pity on him and told him of the way. Orpheus then, ventured to the Underworld. There, he was met by the dead spirits and deseased peoples of the earth and it was there he came face to face with its ruler, Hades. He pleaded his case by singing his songs in which the cold heart of Hades waned. The deal was set, he would get his wife back but in one condition. No person gets out from the Underworld by the way they came in so Orpheus will have to walk out the other way. Eurydice would follow him but the moment he looks back, Eurydice will go back to Tartarus.

Hades' smirk as he made the deal followed Orpheus during his long, lonely walk. His thoughts bode him to look back to see if Hades indeed kept his word. He didn't want to be the butt of his joke so it was then that the moment he had set foot outside of the caves that he looked back, only to see that Eurydice was there after all but has not yet set foot outside and so, she was taken back. Orpheus was utterly destroyed.

In depression, Orpheus couldn't find anything else to do but play his lyre in such solemn tunes that it made everyone around him depressed. It was then the Manics of Dionysus found him, and they who have been possessed by drunken bliss, tore Orpheus limb from limb. Ending his mortal life.

Now here's the part that I loved.

Orpheus was half god so his life did not end as it did. His head remained and was found on the shoreline by his father Dream. Orpheus pleaded with Dream to end his life even calling him Father again but Dream didn't do anything to end his forsaken son's misery saying that the decision he chose was his own and he would have no part of it. He only came to say his goodbye to Orpheus because it was the proper thing to do. And as much as Orpheus pleaded, Dream didn't care. He walked away.

And he didn't look back.

Riding the Lightning
9:41 AM

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Sunday, April 16, 2006
G A M E

I spend most of the day playing computer games at home, taking a break only to get a drink of water or get a bite to eat. I play my fighting games like Soul Calibur 3 and Guilty Gear XX until my fingers start to burn and the flesh starts to tear. That's how I got this callous on my thumb, I've played these games a lot.

I can bring out the worst of me by playing my games. I let it take control. For the moment, I won't be me as I take controller in hand. I like playing fighting games because I go on a trance. I beat the crap out of my enemies, as I imagined them to be. I slice them and cut them. I feel no remorse as I see their life inch to nothing. I leap in the air or crouch fast on the ground; anything to get the hit, to see them draw blood, to see them hurt. I can't contain my glee as can be seen my anxious tapping. My leg begins to tap as I anticipate victory, the climax of the final blow. When it has ended and my character does its pose, I breath a sigh of relief and let the feeling go.

I love the feeling of crushing my adversaries into a bloody pulp. For a minute, I have completely let go of my restraints and took vengeful anger on a simulated character; anger that has built over many years. I keep playing this game until I find no more strength to play. My fingers would ache sometimes even bleed, but my hunger is never quenched. As I rest from hours of play and feel the pain starting to sink in, I start to think whether or not it was worth it all.

You know what, it is

Riding the Lightning
6:53 PM

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Thursday, April 13, 2006
Nevermore

Whenever I think about each day of my life that I wake up to, it feels like I have no reason to. I feel sad for no reason. I feel heavy like I don't want to get up. And whenever I try to get back to sleep, I can't seem to. Though I want to write to calm myself, I can't find words to explain this feeling.

So many goddamn things happened since the start of the year that I just want to crawl under a rock and pray for tomorrow to come, only to find that the tomorrow I had hoped for cannot even begin to make me feel any better. Old skeletons were brought up one by one by those people who I trusted the most. I feel betrayed yet I no longer feel sadness... instead, I feel rage.

I have had enough of the bullshit people put me through. When I think about it, I feel like I'm being used; used because I allow myself to be used. Thinking about it, most people start up a conversation with me by asking me for a favor. It's either I'm a fucking dictionary, a tutorial or some game guide. It's selfish yes but I have come to terms with this for a long time now. W0uldn't you feel angry if people only saw you as an oasis? Nothing more than a resource only worth asking when necessary. Fuck it. I try very hard to make new friends but it seems I'm nothing more than a joke to these people.

As much as my friends say I should talk more often, I'm more or less ignored after a few minutes of hi's and hello's so why give a damn to these people. They don't care about me so why the hell should I care about them. It's already hard to let out my problems to people without having them ignore what I'm trying to say. I'm just so pissed off. Frustrated. Like who cares anyway.

I'm Marty and I want to sign off.

Riding the Lightning
7:22 PM

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Tuesday, April 04, 2006
Path of the Strong

It was Charles Darwin who stated that it will be the strong who will remain. Evolution is centered around that notion. In a race for resources, it will always be the one with power who will succeed. I did not want to really believe that power was everything, if that was the case I'd be the first one out.

I was never a strong person to begin with. I was never good in sports, neither was I in academics or with people for that matter, everything was always short of what was expected. So I often wonder how I get through the things I do though inadequate at every turn. I believe that in every person's life, there is a point where one has to wonder if what he/she is doing is really enough to be strong. I do most of the time, I wonder if I am really... strong; by heart and mind.

My role models have always been victims of adversities. I am drawn to them because it seemed like I wanted to face adversities to know if I was really that strong. It isn't because I wanted to fail, but because I wanted to test my limits. I want to be believe that, don't you? It seems like a more optimistic way of looking at things. Then again, it calls for a lot of very hard decisions.

It wasn't long ago that Myles and I had a talk about "being strong". Looking at my friends, it seems the numbers has slowly been declining. People were leaving or just wasn't there anymore. Yet, the ones that remain have become like family to me. Interestingly enough, we had a pretty serious conversation that day and I learned a lot of things. Most of all, about dealing with people and about a certain book. I warn you, this may offend some people.

I have this weird characteristic of mine to fix people. It's like, I become friends with people who are not really that popular or strong, in hopes of seeing something there which is... great. I do not know what it is but I call it a martyr complex, I have to save people which is no wonder why in high school and grade school, my friends have always been the quiet introverts. Don't get me wrong, I've also met quite some extroverted friends but it was the introverts who I grew fondest with. Why? Because I had sympathy for them. I want to see them in their greatest. Aptly put while talking to Myles, I look for diamonds in the dirt. Dunno man, just my crowd.

Even then, I can't seem to become better at the things I do. Seems like, I've been the same person since high school. Sure, people can attest that change has had its way with me but deep down, nothing really changed. We talked a while about it. I have changed, it was just that there were some people who drag me down. I have been used to being the one who has to sacrifice for the group. Believe me, I have planned as much things to make breaks and weekends interesting for everyone and I have always lent an ear to anyone with problems then again, as much as I have trusted some people, they did not really change. I gave up trying to change people, I then just wanted to change myself but then again, these people so desperate for change, want to pull me down. Seems like I have a new thing to hate.

I don't really know what being strong is about but I may have found a useful quote to help. Leave the weak, to follow the path of the strong is already in itself a large step forward. I got that from the Slam Dunk manga Gali lent me. Even if some people scrutinize me for getting a quote from an anime, wouldn't you agree that this holds true? Hate to say this but I've grown sick and tired of being the martyr all the time. Maybe I'll become better if I leave behind the things that hold me down. Cold? Harsh? It's the same as letting go. You still want to become people's scapegoat then be my guest but I'm not going to let that happen anymore. I have my own life to worry about.

I'll always remember what he said in reply to diamonds. Sometimes, there aren't any diamonds at all, just dirt.

Riding the Lightning
8:19 PM

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