The Lonely Road

Thursday, June 29, 2006
A Really Boring Entry

I am especially loving philo class. It's the one class I actually get to think about the things I like to think; pretty much the thoughts I have back in high school whenever I go for one of my walks haha.

So today, was a pretty cool day. My morning class was EngMa and what do you know, I got to be called for board work this time. Bang Bang, got it -- score one for group 3 haha. Aside from that, my blockmate is having a period of mourning over a broken heart :( I just hope he can get over it. Man, what he told me totally bummed me out. Chin up, my friend. Part of growing up.

By the end of our first class, we suddenly found ourselves with 7 hours of idle time in each, the guys of ECE split into two parties. Half went to Tal's house while the rest went to mine haha. Man, it was chaotic here yet fun! It reminded me of the overnights I had back in HS but with... bigger people hehe. I'm starting to like my 3rd year; I'm making a lot of friends hehe.

It's kind of funny because now, it feels like I've found a group of people to hang around with everyday. It's sorta like that high school feeling of mine back then in 3rd year when I met Gerome and James. Everyday became a day to look forward to. Is the 3rd year always this lucky? Maybe... I've had much luck with 3rds. These people really take me out of my game honestly. It's like jumping into a pool of cold water - you get chills all over yet it feels oddly relaxing. I mean, people like Tal, Anjoy and Reinhard are like close friends of mine and yet at the first impression you'd think I'd never fit in with them. It's kinda weird. I can be a goof around them or act totally insane, lose my composure and all that yet it's always just good fun. I guess that just means I'm starting to feel comfortable in college. I guess maybe this is the fun in high school that was lost to me when I went to depression because of the whole broken heart incident.

In any case, I'm really thankful that this semester isn't turning out to be the crappy sem that I thought to be at the back of my mind. I'm learning a lot this sem. I really look forward to it.

Riding the Lightning
10:22 PM

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Wednesday, June 28, 2006
This is What Happened in Philo

My philo teacher said in our first class that nothing was as exciting, as well as terrifying, as a start. Starting something can mean a lot of things for a lot of different people but as he said, starting something has a certain duality in it (much like everything else in the world). Just as life begets death, a start would usually mean an end. Before anything could be started, something must come to an end. I was especially enticed by this thought.

It's like when I have to write something new. God knows how many times I tried to write a story only to have it discarded later on and while starting a new story can seem like absolute bliss, there is still the fact that I have to set aside my past work for the new one to grow. I had to leave characters, sets and plot but more importantly, the passion I had for that specific story. I also remember how Sir Mauchi said that before typing the first word of a blank page, everything was possible. It's like being in some primordial void where you are waiting for the first spark of something to embelish - for that moment, you feel like God. Yet, as word by word, sentence by sentence, paragraph by paragraph manifest into written word, the option or the flexibility of your creation seem to narrow into one path and this path, follows into an end of sorts.

It just shows how small everything can be. Given a path or a destiny, we will just have one course in life with no "drawing board" to go back to. It kinda sucks. I mean, wouldn't anyone want to go back in time, fully knowing the things he/she should avoid having done? Wouldn't you want to go back to being God? Personally, given the chance, I'd do it then again, wouldn't anyone? But when I think about it, if everyone would go back to re-do his mistakes... it wouldn't be a life at all. If we all just kept going further back what ending can we ever arrive in, moreover what new beginning can present itself when we find ourselves unable to move forward?

I guess in the greater scheme of everything, there is no such thing as turning back but instead there is a constant cycle of start and ends. We cannot go back and undo our mistakes - the only choice we have is to just move on. Tabularasa, as our philo class put it - to forget everything and start over. I guess for people to move forward one has to acknowledge to the self that they are going to start something as well as admit that it is also the end of what had previously been done.

We can start as a god yet as we go down the path of life -of experience- we realize that we are not gods at all, we're only human; as humans, we are allowed mistakes and we are always given the option to learn from them. Life's just that one path we take where we hopefully reach an end that makes it all worthwhile.

Riding the Lightning
10:25 PM

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Riding the Lightning
10:25 PM

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Saturday, June 24, 2006
High Cost of Living

I don't really know what to write about these days but isn't that always the case?

Life puts a lot of things in your way. Some are like welcomed gifts yet some are like traffic along Katipunan at 7am in the morning - unbearable. I have always wondered if life had a pattern where we are all puppets of. As a quote in Sandman said, maybe we're just dancing to the music of our lives and what is music but a pattern of sounds?

I have these really big breaks between classes (most of which I have already resolved) and I usually spent the long hours just staring out into the sky. Back in High School this was my favorite hobby. My favorite spot would be this long stretch of road just outside gate 9. I'd sit on the sidewalk, get some sorbetes or something and look at the setting sun. I remembered how the sky turned from orange to blue as night came -- how absolutely beautiful it was. It was like, everything that happened in school didn't matter just because I got to do this thing that I loved.

I don't know if anyone has noticed at how beautiful the zen garden looks when a gust of falling leaves drop from the trees or how the butterflies dance with each other when it gets to around 11:00 in the morning. I guess some of these things are lost to people but really, these are the things I love taking note of. And I especially like it when the clouds fill up the sky, looking like it will rain but wouldn't actually. That's a good day for me. Even if my classes are going to be tiring, I have something to look forward to. I guess that's enough of a pattern for me.

Bad things happen for no reason but then again, there are good things too it's just that some come more simpler than others. The high cost of living... in my opinion... are the things you can't put a price on. Learn to live it.

Riding the Lightning
12:33 AM

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Tuesday, June 20, 2006
Walking Numb

I think I have totally forgotten what I was supposed to write down for the day because of the sheer mind-numbing breaks that I have to spend everyday. My brain gets toasted after 6 to 7 hours of nothing. I have tried to preoccupy myself with things like reading a book or trying to stretch conversations to hours on end and yet I feel a little bit of sanity leave me whenever I look at my watch to see that only 15 minutes have passed.

Anyways, the 5 hours today was spent first by going to 129. I didn't play dota, I just wanted to watch a friend of mine do. I was really sleepy because I had to wake up at 7:30. I tell you, it's like High School. All I have to do is to remember how I dealt with it, just that I had the comfort of my own classroom and classmates to work with it... how to deal now, well... is actually going to take a little more testicular fortitude. That's a good word to live by in my case this sem, FORTITUDE. I wonder if I have enough of it.

We had a funny thing to do today. Our blockmate Mel told us she knew how to read our love lives by using a deck of cards. One of my guy blockmates tried it and it was funny because the translation was that he had another man in his life hahaha. Calling it bullshit, he tried again and he got the same response, it was hilarious. Naturally, I was curious how well mine would go. The prediction came around something like, the girl I like is really close with someone -a guy- who was close to me, though I myself am close to the girl. Simply put, I have a fricking love triangle so... I don't really want to think about it... if it's meant to be, then it is. No use crying over something I can't do anything about. Only her happiness matters even if it doesnt involve me.

I made a somewhat interesting impression in Philo class today. I was one of the people who asked a question that couldn't be answered. We were asked to introduce ourselves as well say what question we wanted to ask... I asked if there really is paradise. I already knew that there was no answer and I wanted to know if the prof was one of those people who think they know everything then again, he just said that the question had no answer and moved on. So maybe it isn't going to be that bad, our prof's kinda sound on the subject. It's the question I ask myself ever since 3rd year High School when I first laid my eyes on Earth X. I pretty much came to a conclusion that paradise eludes us. It exists yet it eludes us countless of times.

I have my share of paradise lost but now, instead of bitching about it - I just want to look at the bright side. Paradise or something like it is always just around the corner, no one just bothers to look. That is what I'd like to believe. It gives me something to look forward to. The basic notion for me to stay happy is just distance and control. If you control something, it is something below you, something not worth worrying about and distance, the lesser involved, the lesser attached, the lesser disappointment I can encounter. Now, you can go ahead and say you're wrong and blah blah blah but judge not lest ye be judged. Someone might say that what I'm doing is wrong but then that someone has not even walked a step in my shoes. There will come a time when I can safely go out and immerse in humanity but for now, I have to deal with some issues with it.

I want to leave a cool proverb I read:
"Kill one man, you are a murderer; Kill a thousand, you are a king; Kill them all, you are a god."

I dunno, this kinda clicked when I read it.

Riding the Lightning
8:47 PM

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Tuesday, June 13, 2006
Dream is Back

It has finally come to the time where I can count the remaining days of summer with my two hands. It's coming to an end, I'm afraid and I'm going to miss it. I have often wondered how beautiful the day can be. A specific scene in Sandman reminded me of it; you know there is a divine creator just because of something majestic as a sunset, I agree.

I sometimes find myself daydreaming again. I want to know what's going to face me once summer ends. I know the coming semester will test me again. I've shed tears last year, I'm willing to shed blood this time. The difference between the present me and the past me is that I have found something that made everything bearable. I don't know if it's the time I've spent meeting new friends in college or the adventures I have gone through for the summer, or perhaps its the building anxiety that people get when they finally realize that everything is... actually do-able.

I'm done following the path of rage. I just don't have anything to be angry about anymore. I will always have my issues with the you-know-who's but what can I really do about it? It's not like I can actually do something to make things better. People are people and you can't change them as you like. Yeah, I still don't trust a lot of people but I'm giving it a shot. God only knows, I've left myself vulnerable a couple of times and when I couldn't take it anymore, there have been those who were willing to listen at least. I guess humanity's not all bad. Maybe there's hope for me yet. I dunno, I've spent a lot of time scrutinizing about how people never change and how pointless it was to be a "good" person but now maybe it's okay for me to believe in people again. I have my issues with people like I said... but it's not like I can change them so might as well change how I perceive them right?

I've been bitten by the bug again lately. The itch, as Berk and I aptly put it. I find myself staying up later during the night in order to write. I seemed to fall apart when I tried writing stories again because my mind was clouded with rage and despair but now, it's becoming clear again. I can write the way I used to and more. I admit that I began to entertain the notion that I can only write when I'm angry or depressed and that it was nothing more but once my dark clouds have cleared I see the basics again. I just want to.

There was this quote I heard in Sister Act that struck me. "If you wake up in the morning and the first thing you think about is writing. You're a writer. You don't need no proof or anything, it's just that. You're born to be a writer" Tch, that don't beat all. Maybe I can be a writer if I want to be or maybe not but that will not keep me from writing. My soul is in what I write so I have to give it my best. Be it out of rage, sadness or the thrill of it, it's something I've grown to love as well as need.

Summer ends in 6 days...

Riding the Lightning
2:11 AM

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