The Lonely Road

Thursday, July 27, 2006
Un-Distracted

I have finally ran out of distractions to indulge myself into so now, I feel the ache in my heart again. Dammit all, Gerome was right. Tanginang buhay to haha.

I have recently talked with my friend Gerome who just happened to be online yesterday on YM. I really missed talking to him (him along with some other friends) because I, for one, can trust him about my problems... I don't know if it's that trait of his to bitch about life as well or that when he tells me it's going to be okay in the long run, even more, perhaps it's whenever he says putanginang buhay to with such feverish gusto that I can't help but laugh. The lighter side of life huh?

Now... I guess one more thing that sets Gerome from everyone else of my friends is the fact that I can talk about girls with him and perhaps, get some good insights (if that's what you'd call them). High School has always been that very colorful time when I would find myself failing again in yet another romance and where I'd always be witness to Gerome having a new interest every week. Where I failed, he succeeded -- it's a funny kind of friendship. He'd be the one saying stuff like I should find a girlfriend or go on dates and stuff like that but if I didn't feel like it, or felt too emo to, he backed off and tried later when my mood's all better. Not many of my friends can do that, maybe that's how we ended up as friends.

It was just around these past couple of years where we talked about those kinds of stuff openly. I don't know what brought it up but I guess it always starts with him always asking me, "So, meron ka na girl?" haha then I'd answer, "not at the moment" which got us both laughing. Then we'd go along with our talk about what "styles" can work in dating, flirting or whatever. High School lunchroom stuff... hilarious haha.

One turning point happened when he finally told me about his problem with a girl (cuz really, nice guys like us? girls are always the problem). It's the inevitable problem of liking someone who doesn't like you back, man I thought I'd never see the day where he has to go through what I'm going through haha. Has the distractions finally ran out?

What I probably realized is that I have already gone too far ahead. As our theo teacher said, we're aching for love so much yet it's always beyond our grasp because we are not ready for it which is why it's so sad for us - to that effect. Yeah, I've known that feeling. It's like, you are so willing to do so much, willing to give your love to the one person you think deserves it and yet on the other hand, its so scary because of the possibility that it won't be reciprocated. The thought of it is so painful but it is true. I, for one, want it so much because I am what you would call a hopeless romantic. Totally hopeless, as my friends would say haha. Hopeless to the point where it starts to hurt too much.

I found distractions often to be the best remedy for these thoughts. Believe me, if I didn't, I'd not be sleeping at all. Why am I wired like this?? I really hope I can just forget about the whole damn thing and get along with living with a little sanity. So let me write about it some more to keep myself distracted. Let me just flush out all these stupid questions in my head.

Why is it so easy for some people to like someone and have them like them back? Why is it so hard to tell someone you like them? Why is it so painful when they say "let's just be friends" knowing that you can still be friends? Why can something as beautiful as love hurt? Why is it we give a part of ourselves to another person without them asking? Why is it when they smile at you, your life isn't yours anymore? Why is it that you can think about all these ways to tell her how you feel yet you can't utter even one word? Why can't I utter a word whenever she twiddles her hair? Why am I always an option? Why isn't there a word for the feeling you get when you're happy and scared at the same time? When will it be my turn?

I often wonder to myself whether you are playing me for the fool I am or making me wait just a little longer. I can't figure you out yet I like that about you the most. I don't have to pretend to be anything around you which is why I am so afraid. You can probably hurt me the most.

Ok, I guess that's it. I quote again, Tanginang buhay to haha.

Riding the Lightning
12:25 PM

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Sunday, July 16, 2006
A Suicide Note by Sexton Furnival

Just sharing... this was the introductory lines of Sexton Furnival from the comic Death: The High Cost of Living. I especially liked this piece because it reminds me of well... me.

"My name is Sexton Furnival, but I'm pretty much used to it by now, and this is the last thing I'm going to write. This is because there's no point to anything, and I've thought about this hard and long."

"Okay. I figure, I'm mature. I know my own mind. I'm sixteen -- almost sixteen and a half. And what have I got to show for it?"

"For a start, I don't have anybody I'm in love with"

"To be honest, I think love is complete bullshit. I don't think anyone ever loves anyone. I think the best people ever get is horny; horny and scared, so when they find someone who makes them horny, and they get too scared of the world outside, they stay together and they call it love."

"Second, I don't have anyone I hate"

"I mean, I know a hell of a lot of assholes. But that's all they are. Assholes"

"There's no one I know who's evil. I mean, in books and movies you get the bad guy, and you know immediately who the bad guy is because, well, he's bad. And you've got the good guy and it doesn't matter what he goes through, he knows who the bad guy is."

"And I don't even have a faithful sidekick"

"Well, you may not think this stuff is very interesting, or a reason to end it all, or anything, but you're wrong. Well, maybe not all wrong about it not being interesting, but you're wrong about it not being a good reason for checking out early."

"I mean, there's no point to anything. And if there's no point, you might as well be dead. It's not as if anybody's going to give two shits."

Ah nothing like buying a new comic to indulge in. My parents actually bought this one for me which was such a great surprise. Finally, I have a comic that features Death on it. It's such a cool read. Death is so pretty and she says things that make you just really like her -- it's kind of creepy. But I guess most of the people who read this blog don't know what I'm talking about because well, they don't read comic books. I find it such a shame that people don't read comic books as well as they read books or computer games...

I like the way Sexton wrote his suicide note. Not that I would like to write one of my own anytime soon but the point is, the things he said actually make a lot of sense -- for me anyways. It kinda reminds me of those lonely emo days of mine where I minimalize emotions and feelings into nothing. Love turns into nothing, so does hate and THAT made everything easier to deal with but the truth is, I scared myself by doing that. As Sexton stated... what then would life be worth without those things? Because at that instant, I have seen what it felt like not to live. If pain didn't exist - nor did love - life wouldn't be anything more than eating to stay alive and sleeping to rest. What would the point of living be then if there was nothing to look forward to, to move on from, or to repent for?

I can't give away the ending for this comic (because it's good enough to be a tease) but Sexton changes after meeting Death in her once-per-century affair. For the better at least, finding something about life that made it worthwhile -- The High Cost of Living as the title stated. It's always... something to look forward to.

Riding the Lightning
11:52 PM

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Saturday, July 08, 2006
Paradise?

In our philo classes for the week, we have been posed with a question... does happiness and knowledge have anything to do with each other?

Ah, that question... it's the thing that started it all; all the writing... all the emo... all the questions that kept me awake ever since high school. It was when I asked myself the question am I truly happy that started it all and it all came rushing to me the moment I thought of asking it. Our class offered the 4 possible situations for this question...

1) happy by knowing the truth
2) unhappy knowing the truth
3) happy not knowing the truth
4) unhappy not knowing the truth

Our teacher also posed to us the question (in relation to the Truman show), "What was he looking for outside the world he was living in? was it happiness? the truth? or love?" It would be easy to say love since there was a love interest in the story as it would be easy to reason out that the truth was what he sought since he had lived his life as a lie all this time yet... I really believed he did what he did for happiness. My answer was puzzling to my classmates because I myself cannot explain it well - much more, in filipino.

My point was this... no one can be happy living a lie; by happy I mean, truly happy. Which led to him asking if I didn't believe the 3rd statement stated above. Yes, I didn't agree with it and it led to this long discussion about just simply that. Sir Aurelio told us something about what kaligayahan is - it's the kind of happiness that's self-sustaining where it isn't just a temporary high we experience but instead, a long lasting contentment with everything. I really believe in such a thing... I have to - which is why I can never accept a lie to make me happy.

There is a saying that ignorance is bliss but what does bliss exactly mean? All I know of bliss is that its temporary ecstasy and that it is nothing compared to what true happiness can bring. I want to believe in a paradise where I can no longer feel pain, regret or sadness but feel peace in my heart and mind. I know it sounds like some mystical voodoo crap but have you ever thought of how happy you really are? I mean, how significant is what you're doing to what you ultimately want? I think everyone does what they do just to attain that happiness - a notion sir also pointed out. Everyone hopes that in the thing he/she does, the end result would give us our paradise. Does knowing then, make all the difference? Once you know that the life you're living in is not all its cracked up to be, wouldn't it be better to escape to look for the thing you are actually looking for? Knowledge can do that, you have but to ask.

I guess that brought back the question "what was I looking for?" I know it's happiness, I figured that out long ago yet I couldn't find out where. The where has always eluded me. Can anyone really know where happiness lies? Even in our class, we couldn't answer that - that's how problematic it was for me. I have waited years for an answer only to know that it was an answer that no one can provide. I guess in the back of my mind, there was no answer because it seemed to good to be true. That's what paradise is, it's too good to be true.

Tell me now then... can you find real happiness by not knowing the truth? Can your paradise be attained by believing in something you only thought to be true? What kind of paradise then do you live in if you base the authenticity of your contentment on the fallacy of your reality? That's not true happiness - you're actually escaping it. So now when you finally realize you need to know the truth to find your piece of heaven... I leave you with the question I asked myself years ago, where do you start looking?

Riding the Lightning
12:14 AM

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