The Lonely Road

Wednesday, September 20, 2006
. : The Melancholy of Marty Peterson Tan : .

Perhaps one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen was this starlit night when I went to Tagaytay with my parents. I never fancied staying inside the house whenever I went out of town, mainly because I loved watching the stars as I sat on a bench outside. It was one of those few times when you could actually see them as well as one of the few times my dad would get all chummy with me, asking "Saan diyan yung Orion?" and I, spending most of my free time watching stars, point out the three aligned stars and from there map out the rest of Orion.

That particular night was special though because I saw Draco as well as my sign, Libra. I remember what Draco looked like, it had this three stars assembled in a triangle then four other stars that made an arc from under it and Libra, well... it looked like a scale with one star on each limb of the scale. I start to wonder then about the scales. I looked it up and it says Librans often look for a balance in everything and my birthday happened to be really special, it was on the 19th of October so it was along the days where the Libran was well, truly Libran. So I was there watching the great scales up in the sky, thinking about the great balance of things in the universe when I realized, how small everything was.

Everything in perspective, things shouldn't matter. Every human is born, lives and later dies just as things are created, used and destroyed. What was scary was that all of those things I thought about that mattered so much, didn't matter at all in the bigger scheme of things. My grades didn't matter because it's just a number. Friends? Just people, they will live and die just like anyone. Me? I didn't matter, I'm teardrop in a giant ocean of humanity. Don't you ever wonder whether or not someone will invent the telephone for example even if Bell didn't exist? Or a World War 2 if Hitler didn't exist? You know, I really think the world will go on and really, everything's eventual. Things will happen as they are meant to happen. One person won't matter -- one life, one death won't stop the universe from working because it just doesn't matter.

I can see the end of things and have undone the strings of the whole tapestry of existence. Can I honestly say that there is something more to life then? No, I didn't. Life for me became eventual and merely based on circumstance. When you have deconstructed everything up until the very core of your belief, y0u end up doubting everything else if they mattered. By this time, I have grown bored of everything because the things I thought mattered were nothing at all when I thought about it. I wanted to be proven wrong and maybe perhaps that's why I wanted to change.

Change was perhaps the only thing that was constant. I decided that if I didn't change my outlook in life, I might end up something I would regret. I wanted things to matter to me -- people to matter to me so I did everything in my power to do this thing. I made the best of friends and pledged my unwielding oath to help them when they are in need because they, in my opinion, mattered. But it hurt especially much when I met people who betrayed that. There was one person who mattered to me so much and didn't feel the same way as well as another friend who I thought I mattered to but only... to an extent -- put it plainly, made me the scapegoat for his own problems.

I never wanted that. Why did these people do this to me when I saw them as something more important than even myself? You go and change, make things matter only to find these people who you wish you just didn't give your trust to. So it was at these times when the thought of nihilism came back, so strongly that they have created walls around me, making me feel alone in this world. The walls haven't come down as I still meet people who seem to see me as a label - I resent people like these because they're too one-sided and never really care for the whole. For short, users who see things at face value.

Now, can anyone tell me why should shake down these walls and let everyone come in? The irony is, these same people who tell me to snap out of this distrust happen to be the same people coming to me to tell about their problems. I find that really funny but I let things like this slide because I don't want to hold it against them. I accepted long ago that the moajority of people will overlook me but if I happen to meet the few who don't, that gives me enough reason to continue on. What makes them think being alone is bad anyway? I swear there are some people who say "ano ka ba? we care for you" and yada-yada-yada but in the end, it's always me alone on the long walk to somewhere. Happens a lot of times, enough for me to accept the reality of things: I don't matter to these people even if they say I do -- that hurts me the most, when they don't even know what they're doing... but... I can let it slide.

My melancholy is simple... I am tired and bored of seeing things not mattering. I do not want to accept that because to do so is to say I have nothing to live for. Honestly, life seems to be the same everyday I live it. I get hurt by people so I shut them out and keep walking alone into some place I can only hope to relieve myself of the pain I feel whenever I am betrayed. I just want someone to make me matter, you know. No jokes, no lies, no know-it-all speech. It's hard to find someone like that so I'll keep searching amongst this multitude, making people matter just so that, with what little hope, someone sees me to matter as well. Maybe then, I can take my eyes off the stars.

Riding the Lightning
6:29 PM

>>>

Saturday, September 16, 2006
Journals - A Relapse

From Shadowkeeper's Journals 4:

During a talk with a priest at my local school, I asked whether or not the number of friends were a measure of how great a person I am. The priest pondered upon my question deeply, raised his hand and put it on my shoulder and he said, “While it IS a good measure to who you are and what kind of person you are, one doesn’t need a lot of friends to get by. One loyal friend is better than a dozen liars.” How true.

I remember the times I used to write this. I loved each sentence and introduction from Journals because each word took a piece of my heart and placed it on paper to be examined. It allowed me to zoom out and see things in perspective -- perfect perspective. I was also very afraid of writing Journals. It was scary for me to write my thoughts about my life because I am always afraid of ending my sentences. Ever thought about that?

Right now, I am feeling like utter crap. I just unloaded a lot of nihilistic bullshit to a friend of mine, that frankly got him surprised. I probably failed my ELC test... and the thing was, I studied really hard and even gave up my time to teach my fellow classmates but as life goes, they got it, I didn't. That hurts, it showed me how much I never get anything back. My friend upon hearing this situation, told me I shouldn't really expect anything from my friends as that is tantamount to getting disappointment. Truly this was the case and yet on the other end of the spectrum, there's my other friend who tells me I shouldn't bear it all alone. I didn't know what to believe -- both seemed like bullshit at this point.

The first quote up there basically set it all in stone. One loyal friend is better than a dozen liars. A priest really told me this when I told him about my problem -- I think it was the first time I ever admitted to someone about it. There is something in me that causes me to get depressed and it usually involves people. As a countermeasure, I tend to avoid them and keep them at a certain distance because I know, and this is has been proven, that trusting someone is like handing them a knife for your heart. I'm sorry if you are so appalled to read this but I would like to be entitled to my opinion. I've met a lot of liars and users in my life's course. People who take and take, never giving. I really don't understand whether they know how a friend is, frankly because, I never give them a chance to.

I mean why should I? Risk getting hurt and betrayed or worse, putting my hope in them when I have so few of that left in me. Stupid. I've had enough of putting my hope in people to help me because I've met too many liars or maybe they just don't understand even when they say they do. That's the stupidest thing of all, to feel sympathy for a guy when you don't even know what's bothering him. Then you go say things like, "Okay lang yan" or "It's going to work out." Cliches every one of them, out of the mouths of know-it-alls. I'm taking an excerpt out of Isaac when I say, I'd rather be alone than be in a room full of assholes because that was the truth. So loneliness is the price to pay for a security? Yes, that was the case. My life turned into a lonely road then -- live detached, unopposed and ... much to my regret... filled with anger and sorrow.

Why? Because one person can only take so much. Let me take a line from Berk, "thats what you get when you try to take everything in" What I got was this heavy feeling in my heart everytime I wake up in the morning as well as this urge to vent my stress on something. That's what I get for keeping it all to myself. I was getting hurt by trying to avoid getting hurt, weird. I used to think I was strong enough to handle things especially when I deconstruct things to not matter but some things just do and they hurt -- hurts enough to make me shed a tear. So I end up telling someone about it and they give me the same cliches but then... there are those few, the handful few, who gives you just what you need and that gives me back some hope, hope to try living again the next day.

So I find myself in a dilemma. My life is a spin cycle of disappointment and hope whether they each take a turn at screwing me over. I don't want to think about it but I do, especially now when disappointment is printed all over my face. I want to cry but I can't. I want to talk to someone but no one's here right now. So I sit alone in my room and seek solace in the one thing I can turn to, writing because then, everything seems to be so simple as typing words and everything ends with a period. Though it's not always easy to end sentences, the decision is ultimately up to me, that gives me a little control at least.

In the end, I still feel like crap right now. Nothing has changed after writing about all this, just a clear reflection about how Marty is trying to desperately scream out loud how much life sucks. It does, it really does but life goes on. I don't plan on changing my ways any time soon because I have yet to be proven an opinion to believe in except maybe... that one loyal friend is better than a dozen liars.

I'd make that one for keeps, would you?

Riding the Lightning
12:10 AM

>>>

Monday, September 11, 2006
Old Sinners

When I was in Promenade, Mc, Josh and Andrew were already there talking. I was saying to myself, okay this is a different crowd now and I was wondering if I have changed far down to the point where I can't relate anymore. Face it, people change over the years.

I was right though, I couldn't relate to most of what they were talking about. They all seem to be in one same circle where I felt I was outside of it looking in. They weren't doing it on purpose though, it's just how it is. Later on, others arrived - Rio, BJ, Bea, Martin and Eman to be exact. I tell you, it's like High School; always the outsider I am but this time, it felt different because I talked to everyone now about everything. I didn't care if it was out of topic, I just wanted to talk. I think I had to show them how much I've changed.

Okay, here's the thing. Late over the night, I asked the question 'Who changed the most' and Rio suggested we play everyone's judge - take turns, telling someone about how they changed. Yes... and I happened to be first. I already knew what everyone would say. They'd say I more talkative and extroverted... it was kinda obvious over the night but Martin told me something different... he said I was an old sinner.

What's that we asked and he replied that, an old sinner character is usually a person who has gone into the darkness and came back out. It's like saying that there was always a tinge of something 'else' by how I talk about things. Something was always brooding within my words -which he described to be maturity- . Because when someone has gone and seen the dark side of things and manage to still live with it - much less smile about it - it shows how much one has grown up. I didn't know how to process that but it had some truth about it.

I looked up on old sinners a bit more and I found something interesting to compliment what Martin said. Old sinners talk about their old sins as lessons to improve their lives. Sometimes, they don't fully forgive themselves of their past deeds, they'd rather carry it along all their lives to remind them of the lessons they've learned. And Martin was right when they said something was always brooding beneath their words because OS's would always share about the things they have experienced to those who have not been to there. Now, how the hell did Martin know that?

It's true that I often dabble on my regrets and it was true that I use them as anecdotes for my friends but how did Martin know that much? I want to believe that he just knows because we've been friends for a long time haha, and he'd know. That's just how it is. I spent some time thinking about it over the weekend and yeah, I guess I am an old sinner - now that I can describe it. I used to think I was just emo but I wasn't (thank god) . It's just who I am, I tend to carry my burden around with me and the thing was, I didn't intend of letting them go. The minute I do, everything I've learned up to this point will be for nothing because I believe that we have to learn from our mistakes and I'll be damned if I didn't learn from mine.

Who changed the most? Haha, Martin answered that too. Everyone did in their own ways. Everyone's good points just amplified themselves in college which is why we always refer to each other with 'back then... now you're..." Me? My past have always been troubling me and it never relented even now but that's thing... I should never forget. I didn't get a chance to help my friends back in HS because I was busy going through shit but now when everyone's going through what I went through, I guess... it gives me a chance to make things right for them at least.

haha ever the martyr?

Riding the Lightning
7:48 AM

>>>

Update from Friday

Last friday was a very hectic day for me as the day started at 9:00am. It's never a good sign if I have to wake up at 9:00am for school but that's life right? We had an oral defense on our program for CE class which explains the early morning call.

When I arrived at the room, I saw Rainier there and he was having his advisement. We had to wait until 10:30 to start out oral defense but it went okay I guess. Our Electronics class also went on early as sir Monje told us to sit in the 11:30 class. Nothing big there. No engps class either so I suddenly found myself in a three hour break - really, really boring. Theo class was no different. I just had my translation work checked.

By the end of the day, I was thinking hard whether or not to attend the Anime club 2nd GA. I decided to because I really wanted to see the video we made. Haha, it was so much fun. I got to meet a lot of the people in the club as well as just let loose some long stored stress. Everyone loved the video cuz it was so funny and we actually found some members interested in joining the cosplay contest on November so that was awesome.

After the GA, I went walking around with Berk and revealed to him my mystic powers of telling time. It's nice to hang out with Berk because it's one of those times when I really don't have to think so heavily, not to mention, I was tired from the day and we still had a video shoot the next day.

I got a call later though and it was Joshua - he was inviting me to go to Promenade with some of the guys. I was kinda tired to go actually because of the day but I'm not the guy to call it a night just when it gets interesting so... I went.

Riding the Lightning
7:37 AM

>>>

Wednesday, September 06, 2006
The Day Goes On

It seems like I can't focus lately. Even if there are a number of things that ought to be done, it feels like a routine. I wonder why?

I tend to tuck my hands in my pockets more often lately. If you haven't noticed, the weather just got a little loopier, know why? The later months are coming, the final trimester; October, November, December; which pretty much means that everything's starting to cool down. The wind just got little bit chillier and the rains have started coming down again. I hope it won't be another wet trimester, I kinda like it better when the weather's just all breezy and cloudy. Makes me appreciate walking around better.

I missed taking my lonely walks. It was something my friend taught me to clear my mind. I usually take a walk towards where the wind was blowing and let all my thoughts drift along the breeze. It's so relaxing. Your eyes kinda just settle down in a dimming afternoon and makes you kinda sleepy, at this time, I'd usually find a sidewalk or a bench to rest on. I'd stare up into the sky and watch it turn red as the sun starts to set and along with it, everything crappy that happened within the day. Problems seem too small compared to that. It's like, they're not worth worrying about as long as you spend your time like that.

So at the end of the day, I wonder why I worry too much about my problems - even more - other people's. Life goes on just as the day does. Sunrise to sunset and if you haven't noticed, they're both very beautiful. When you take the time to muse yourself over such a thing, you'll realize just how small everything is compared to such a sight.

Ever the romantic, aren't I?

Riding the Lightning
11:02 PM

>>>

Monday, September 04, 2006
A Comic Book Kind of Life

This saturday, I spent Php 2500 -yes- on 2 comic books. The more expensive one costs Php 1800 and it was a hardbound copy of Marvel's Secret War. In it, was a tale of espionage as well as one of the best art conceptualizations I've laid my eyes on since Alex Ross' Kingdom Come. It had awesome features like interviews with Nick Fury (who I have grown to respect from this comic) as well as statistics of the characters involved. I have yet to finish the book because I have read the other one first and that, my dear readers, was Identity Crisis.

How did you grow up? I grew up on comic books, like many of the bards out there. I also grew up on Saturday morning cartoons like the majority of my generation yet the few of us who were also raised between the pages of 50 peso comic books, I deemed, were of a different loft from all the others. I have not met all of them but I have met some and they were very fast to become friends with. All I had to say was, I grew up on Spiderman and that was it. I based everything on those pages -- there wasn't any time for me to learn values on my own, as my parents were always busy, but at least I had an idea on the things I ought to do. Fight for what's right. Justice Prevails. Good guys always win. Three basic rules that every avid fan takes to heart every time they get up from bed. Yet these stories and tales back in the day hid something from us, its children, and that was how hard it was to believe in those three rules.

You never realize just how much was going on. You read dialogues and see punches flying but you never realize why. I never realized how hard it was for Spidey to clock his best friend for killing his first love. Neither was it hard for Cap to be a man out of time, where he was threatened to be nothing more than a glorified symbol. Neither did I realize that there would be no closure for Batman in his one man crusade against the people who killed his parents. They all just seemed to backgrounds back in the day. Something to push the heroes to heroism. A cool origin to get the readers interested. It never dawned on me... that they were only human dealing with very human situations.

It's very hard to deal with life as it is. I broke down some years back and didn't know what to do, that was until I read some comics about how things -indeed- change. That was the most revelating thing I have encountered in my life. The universe I grew up in, didn't betray me. It grew up with me. That's the amazing thing... I don't have to grow up alone. I am distressed between the rules of this life and the rules I believe in but you know, superheroes go through all that and they're just as distressed as I am. Life is unfair, Love is cruel and Good doesn't always win the battle - those were the things clashing my predisposition. These were things to be accepted and later, embraced because you won't get through without keeping these things in heart. Even my heroes have to bend to it, much less, I. That's where change comes in - where growing up comes in.

The more I see my heroes become human, the more I think I can stand on my own two feet. They were once gods, once symbols, once beings far bigger than any of us but now, I think I'm finally catching up and I come to the realization that, they were just people after all and that they just had the advantage of being timeless. All the battles they fought between pages as well as the drama they portray which seemed to me like some fairy tale when I was a kid, were just real life in drawing. Even if their story is repeated, the details are often lost until we look back 10 or so years later to see that this was their story you're living in.

So was this an epiphany? I don't think so. It's something I have repeated over and over and something I keep forgetting. I have had a lot of shit to get through and feeling needy happened to be one of them. To hell with that. I know deep down in my gut, that I can get through on my own two feet and for those times where they get too hard, I can always call the cavalry.

Riding the Lightning
8:21 AM

>>>

Saturday, September 02, 2006
Demise

Give me a song to play, my lovely lady! Let the good times roll by. Tomorrow is another day, just like any other. Monday, Tuesday, Friday, take your pick! I'll still be loving you, head over heels, kick in the nuts fantastic. Take my hand, lovely lady and I'll take you to Shangri-La, where everyday's a Saturday.

Running through the fields like the day won't end. Perpetual sundown on the horizon. Dandelions cloud the air in a glorious dance as I watch it all come down. The sky breaks and shatters into falling diamond rain, splinters of jeweled delight. Stars fall from the sky in burning light, igniting the sky like fireworks on Christmas - if you have seen them. Lovely lady, don't be scared. It's all for you. This is paradise, where everyday's a Saturday.

There are four letters in blue and three words in I love you. Seven letters in your name. Coincidence? Circumstance? It's all the same. Make this day great for it might be my last. Demise, that's 6 letters and one word. Put together the 2nd of the numbers, with your name, then the 6-lettered word -- that would be me. This place, where everyday's a Saturday.

With but a single wish, I hope to capture this place; into a snowglobe. That's right. You, lovely lady, and I forever in the place where everyday's a Saturday. Where the sunset is still, the sky's falling, stars flaring yet - yet - you by my side. Even if the world comes apart like some cheap whore's legs, at least I would have known I sang you a song.

I love you, my lovely lady.

Yes, there is meaning in madness

Riding the Lightning
6:47 PM

>>>