The Lonely Road

Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Paying the Reaper

Where do I start this post with, I wonder... I left writing at this blog since my birthday so that would leave me posting... two weeks late. Oh my god. I guess I have to pay the reaper for this one.

Can I honestly start highlighting events over the past week? I think so haha. I had my birthday blowout on the saturday right after classes were over and to my surprise, most everyone i invited came haha (except you Myles, patalo ka haha) Gerome, James and Lester came! We shared some laughs as we always do and really just took some time off talking about serious stuff I have grown accustomed to. I'm so happy Gerome, James and Lester came because it's been almost a year since we met. After James pulled a disappearing act over a year ago, it was a relief to hear from him and to actually come haha.

So happy that after all these years, nothing really changed. No matter how crappy college life can get, I guess I can still count on some friends haha. I swear they'd scald me if they hear me talking all sentimental, just the kind of friends I grew up with.

I'm spending most of my time drowning in games or writing the ECE Battle Royale I've been planning for so long. It's so nice that everyone who's read it liked it (even if they are featured dying in a gruesome way). I remember one time when I was just getting started that I had to think what I was writing for and back then, it was merely a way of getting attention. Later on though, I learned to love writing in a way that it embodies a part of me and maybe perhaps it's because of the encouragement I got.

Just live, that's what James used to say and I couldn't agree more. Regrets and mistakes should not be forgotten but they shouldn't hold you back either. Reading what I've written over the years made me realize that I was writing for fun now... not relief. I'm so happy whenever someone tells me that they like what I'm writing and that it inspires them to start -- weird, I never would have thought that I'd arrive at this point but I did and for that, I'm eternally grateful.

Paid? Later then. I have some writing to get to

Riding the Lightning
9:09 PM

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Thursday, October 19, 2006
2nd Decade

The sun is now rising on the 2nd decade of my life as I write now and I reckon it's time to give thanks to those due. After all, when someone does something nice to you, you ought to say thank you right?

To God: Thank you for picking me up when I couldn't stand, for being there to listen when no one would. I guess I owe a lot to you big G, what would my life be if you didn't come around?

To my family: I know I've not been the most perfect son or brother but I'd like to thank my parents for bringing me into this world, giving me 2nd chances and ultimately, teaching me lessons that help me along the path called life.

To college friends: Though I've only met you guys for only a short time in my life, I can't ignore the fact that the latter part of my years was spent with much enjoyment of your friendship. Thanks for all the laughs, tears and hugs. Know that I really appreciate it from the bottom of my heart.

To HS friends: For the gang, I thank you for the stories we shared. All the misadventures, capers, escapades -- all of them made my life as it is now. I would not be this person if it wasn't for you guys and though I have been quite unbearable at times cuz of my 'emo', I really appreciate it that you guys would listen and help. How could I have lived without you guys?

To My Mary Jane: You turned my life around. After I went through the pitfalls of love lost and written frustrations, you were there with your smile and comforting words. I honestly don't know what would happen if ever I didn't meet you when I did. Know that you always have a special place in my heart and I'm just happy enough to call you a friend. You are the moon that shines my darkest night. Love ya, beautiful

To Richmond and Martin: For the best damn friends a guy can ask for. I met you guys when we were just 10, imagine that! and now, we're all turning 20. GS, HS, college, we still remained friends, that's saying something. My life is what it is now because I grew up with you guys and you guys taught me what a friend ought to be. When I have problems, it's you guys who gives the first buzz and you never leave me hanging. The good times, you were always there to share them with me and though our lives may be going on different paths, at least we always have that one day a year when we meet, share stories and realize that our friendship is still strong. You guys are the best.

To ****: What can I say to you? You probably rocked the foundation of my life the most. From meeting you, I've learned how much life is worth living for despite its imperfections. I learned to make things matter when they did, to say thank you when it was due, to look at the stars and see them for how beautiful they are. You made life a whole lot more living for and for that, I thank you.

Now for my last words as I say goodbye to 19 years and say hello to the 20th:
BRING IT ON

Riding the Lightning
5:27 AM

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Monday, October 16, 2006
Spiderman Cries at the Grave

First, I'd like to thank those who have consoled me from my previous post. I really appreciate all of your sympathies for such an... unfortunate circumstance on my part. I'm very glad that you cared.

On to business then. The semester is now about to end and it comes to the time where I review what had happened over the sem. I am also nearing my 200th post now, signalling 2 years of keeping this blog alive. I'm so happy that I kept this little piece of cyberspace kicking. In a way, at least I'd have documented the "better" part of my life.

This sem had been particularly... interesting. It started with a god-awful schedule where I became good friends with others who shared my plight yet one after another, things started to get better as my classes were moved to a better time. I will never forget when I got my first 100 in my ELC. That's saying something since no one ever gets that high in any test of Sir Monje's. There were other highlights too: like my Blind Date with Apol, my immersion in San Mateo, watching Sophia's movie (which I enjoyed immensely), Bbal with BJ and Rio, Terriyaki Boy with Mark and Anjoy, Lunch dates with Lynn, Movie making with Gali and Berk, Comics with Chester and how can I forget, the myriad of conversations I spent with each person. If I described them all, I'd run out of time and probably bore you so let's just keep it short and say, it was one heck of a sem.

Aside from that... one other big thing that happened to me by the end of the sem was my confession. I think I haven't cried like that in months. This semester, aside from time spent with friends, seemed to be a relief to the hardships of regret and guilt that I've carried over the years. I've learned to trust people better now and I've remet some friends that I now know I can count on. Old Sinner, the title Martin gave me -- meant one who stands up proud though punished by the darkness. I've learned to accept my mistakes now that I have learned much about redemption and I quote, "On the road to redemption, just because we are told not to forget, doesn't mean we have to go through things alone." Berk helped me make that quote for my Synthesis paper in Theo and now, I decided to keep it as my own. My heart feels lighter somehow now that I have sought absolution and perhaps been granted it when I had my confessions.

I am sorry for a lot of things, actually and maybe it's too late to be forgiven by the person I did wrong to but it's been years now and I guess maybe it's time I have to forgive myself first. I've made a mistake to one person, I don't intend to repeat it to any other. And if it ever comes to the opportunity when I can somehow seek your forgiveness then... maybe I'll get back some of the things I've lost. Nes gave me some friendly advice: he told me I think too much and I have to let things go. True, I do tend to hold on to things for too long but I'm willing to let them go... one day at a time.

I'd love to move on to another topic but I'm a little too tired to think of something to wonder about. After all, I just updated my blog to make sure people think I'm okay. That's the word, think I am cuz I never am, just okay enough. So until then, I'll be seeing you.

Riding the Lightning
12:34 AM

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Tuesday, October 03, 2006
. : I'm So Sorry : .

One thing I hate to do is to bring up some old skeletons from my closet and yet sometimes, these things are inevitable - which annoys me even more.

I didn't realize it until I heard it from my own mouth when I was talking to my blockmate Lynn about why I was the way I am. Actually I knew exactly what the reason was for everything, I just didn't want to tell anyone (even myself) and as stupid as it sounds, I had confided to Lynn just exactly what was bothering me, something I myself couldn't admit to.

I guess I've finally come to that time where I've finally gotten really stupid and let my guard down to people or I've grown enough balls to trust someone with what's bothering me. Was it perhaps because she asked? or was it more because I wanted to tell someone about what ate at me every night? I don't know but a question was asked about an old skeleton in my closet and like any good gravedigger, I told my story.

I had loved her when I knew nothing about what love is - that's the story. Anyone who'd know me well enough knew this person and everyone knew how it ended. I guess it was the first time I ever lost a friend because I was selfish. I loved her so much that I wanted her so much to love me back and for that reason, I said something stupid that I didn't mean: "I Love You." And yet, a few more years later, I'd still say she was the first person I ever loved because frankly even now, I never really forgot. I knew her in a time where things always seemed in turmoil and maybe that's how we became friends - close friends - and maybe perhaps this was why I liked her the way I did, I had someone to share the pain. I loved her, that is what's stubborn - I can't say I ever stopped loving her because even now, I still cherish everything she's done for me, it's just that things are different because I can never be part of her life any longer. That's the painful part about this whole affair: For her own happiness, I had to accept that I should never be a part of her life any longer.

I made a huge mistake about being selfish. So much so that I lost you, my dear friend. I wanted to be forgiven somehow but things have already been set. You said to me that it would be better if we just forgot about things but how can I deny you? You really think you didn't matter to me when it's actually you who changed me so much - you mattered so much and there isn't a damn thing I wouldn't do if only to be friends with you again. Not a damn thing but I guess for this particular sin of mine, there would be no absolution since you've already denied me.

Reading back on my past, I have always seen you in every word; how you denied me forgiveness for what I've done, how I paid dearly for my mistakes and how I changed into a self-punishing coward. Will there ever be forgiveness? I know I can never get it from you because in your world, I no longer exist. You made sure of that and along with that, you have denied the better part of our friendship. All that was ever left of our relation was the reminder of my mistake and the consequences of selfishness, and for you, I'll carry them until the day I die. Why? They will remind me not to make the same mistake with anyone I love or will love one day. To deny I ever loved you would mean that these mistakes, these changes in me were for nothing and I don't want that because I now see the things that matter most to me. That's because I lost one of the most important things that mattered, you.

I spent half my life betraying an ideal or a friend I believed in, the other half is spent trying to find the strength to say I'm sorry - this is from Kyle Richmond and nothing can hit the bullseye any closer. I'm sorry, **** I hope you know that I really mean this. I hope one day you can forgive me but if it never comes to that, then I guess that's okay too. As long as you're happy, I'll keep smiling even if I'm no longer part of your life. After all, you taught me life ain't always full of butterflies right? I'll pray for you tonight, just like every night - hoping that you'd always, always be happy where we stand.

Good Night

Riding the Lightning
11:28 PM

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Monday, October 02, 2006
About YM and the Favor Pile

I am feeling that my days are numbered haha.

Nearing the end of the sem, I have suddenly found myself drained of enthusiasm. The end of the sem pretty much means that I will say goodbye to my blockmates as each person goes off in their own endeavors for the break. I have to admit that I've met some great people this sem and it has definitely been fun.

Now on to the more serious stuff.

I have noticed something I find mildly amusing which is, (not to be sexist) girls often talk to me just when they need something. Now, before any of you decide to say 'oh my god, so not' I implore that you see things in my point of view. I read through my archives one day and came to this realization. Almost every one of my conversations with the opposite sex has something asking of me except maybe the few who actually WANT to have an intellectual conversation.

I would like to rant more about this. I can understand how sometimes they'd overlook me for being more than their therapist but really, I sometimes find it rather insulting. If not, the friendship looks awful one-sided don't you think? Whenever a girl messages me I often expect that I will be asked for a favor, which is actually true. They do, but it's something I don't really mind because for one thing, I don't really care if they just see me as a therapist -- I'm just there to help. It's just that sometimes, I get really insulted when the conversation is just solely based on a favor.

I especially loved the quote Sophia gave me one day when she told me, "If everyone would rather be the light to shine your brightest day, I'd rather be the moon to shine your darkest night." I guess for me, being part of the fun part of friends is not always going to happen but then when everything starts to crash down, I find myself in the middle of the crosshair for some reason. In my case, I accepted the fact that I will not be the guy they'd invite to birthday parties or gimiks or even just lunch but then again, I'd be one of the people they'd go to when something's wrong. Is that an honor to be considered as counsel? or am I treated like a genie that they can use at their beckon call?

Am I being used? I sure hope not because if that was ever the case, you should be ashamed of yourself -- you've just wasted my time and effort to make you feel better. One thing I can't stand is when a friend is distressed. It bugs the hell out of me, so much so that I want to make things better. People do abuse that fact and I know, don't think I don't because actions speak louder than words and what I see in people's actions, it's downright appalling. Can you imagine what I'm talking about? To have conversations where they just talk to you to ask something from you and when you're done, you're back in the reserves. That hurts.

So now that you have seen my side of the story, I do hope this somehow reaches you people. I have no qualms about people who do this because I accept the fact that to some people, I'm just a label not a person. After all, I said this was a rant right? If you do feel somehow surprised by what I said and actually found this to hit a certain bullseye (or tinamaan ka) then by God, you might have a conscience. That's actually good... you understand me better now.

Why did I write this unbelievably selfish entry? It's simple: it amuses me and perhaps, I've grown tired of playing therapist or tutor all the time. What kind of friend are you if that's all I am to you? Pretty selfish, I think. Shame on you then.

Riding the Lightning
11:14 PM

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