The Lonely Road

Saturday, December 30, 2006
Wrath?

Yesterday was the planned year ender thing that Berk and I were planning. Yes... the last outing for the year before 200-fucking-7 comes running us over. As usual, I was planning the thing and as usual, I expected the few to go to it because let's face it... I've quit expecting something out of anyone - this would be my New Year's resolution as well.

In any case, those who didn't go missed out on a cool trip; Driving down to Makati, Rubber Penises, Best Friend talks, House of the Dead 4, Boxing, Chilis, Poker, Smash and the combined craziness that is us to name a few. Yes, truly it was a grand day as was evident by the damage done on Richmond's tender thighs and my sore shoulders. It was in fact, a great plan after all and it took no more than 3 people. Take that. At least I can count on the few when I need to.

I can't remember the last time I talked with Richmond about my problems but we did when I dropped Stanley and Berk off Virramall to have them buy a controller. I told him about what happened over the past weeks and the way I've been really bummed out about it - about how it sucks to have to go through "that" all over again when I thought I'd move on from that. Especially about what I really felt about the whole thing, that is angry. I could feel it swelling when I told him about it because I've kept it bottled for so long that it really made me sick. Well, talking about it with Richmond kinda made me feel better. At least I told someone about it already, I didn't have to go into details because he knew - in some way, he always does.

Gave me some good piece of advice though, "You should try being an asshole sometimes, it'll do you a lot of good" or something like that. Haha, I guess I should try being one - heaven knows, I've not been completely honest to myself these couple of weeks and what's more honest to being me than be a little bit of an asshole?

I've also learned that when people get hurt, it's a lot easier to get angry rather than feel sad. I know because I'd rather be angry than see myself as a puddle of self-pity -- isn't that the case with everyone in fact? For now, I think I want to be left alone. Not kidding this time, I just want to shut things out completely until I'm sure I can walk on my own two feet. Neither love nor regret has anything to do with it... I just don't want any of either - I'm spent and I'm tired. Exhausted to function at all...

*sigh* back to normal eh...

Riding the Lightning
11:56 PM

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Sunday, December 24, 2006
Catalogues

Have you ever experienced searching for something that was in the wrong category?

I've been looking for pictures to post with my entries as of late if you noticed and if I may say, some of these pictures were not easy to find. Some of them were recycled; taken from old documents I keep in my backup drive. Some are pictures I just happen to find in my folders; care of my brother. Some were clipped out of videos, screenshots and images. And finally, there are those you search for.

I have been recently searching for various pictures for this blog of mine in google, yahoo and deviantart. I could actually draw one but I'm really not in the mood to, I've been out of it since vacation started. It's as if all I want to do all day is sleep, sulk and sleep some more. But anyways, back to pictures. I discovered I've been looking for pictures in the wrong categories all this time. Like, I was looking through deviantart and kept on looking through the horror/maccabre section (since I liked the drawings there) hoping to find a picture to capture what I wanted to write about. I didn't find it there but instead found it in the People section. Eh, go figure. Or how about typing something in the google search bar and you get pornographic material? It's kind of embarrassing especially when your brother just happens to be sitting right beside you while your browsing. Next thing you know, he's shouting around you're looking for porn. Hrmm...

Anyways...

This ought to have some deep and serious meaning else it wouldn't be in THIS blog now would it? Because that's what this place is all about, trying to make sense out of everything. Frankly though, I can't... because I think I'm looking in the wrong place also. I was talking to my cousin just a while ago and he told me something rather... insightful:

"u hide behind ur intelligence.. ure afraid to take things seriously... because if u take things seriously, they matter to u... and if they matter... u get hurt easily... mato [my nickname]... ure not tough... at least, not enough... ure still vulnerable... and if u stay that way... ul be miserable all throughout ur life..."

My cousin knows what he's talking about. I do hide behind my intelligence as I try to always make sense of things, to dissect them to the fundamentals and observe from a distance. I figured that by distancing myself, I could rid myself of any pain I might endure. I guess in a way, I don't treat life as life but treat it as an equation - trying to find an answer given all its variables. It's in the wrong category

I do overthink things because I want to make it small. I want it to be a subject I can control and be held within my fingertips. But... why is it the things that matter that hurt the most? I guess that's why I'd rather make things not matter, so they don't hurt at all but it isn't healthy anymore. I'm growing more and more ill by the day and the migraines are getting worse -- it won't be long now I think. Now that I feel lost and alone more than ever, I just want to call it quits and wither away but that won't be doing justice to me or to anyone who thinks I matter, if any. What am I supposed to do then when I can't rely on intelligence or reason to make sense of things? What other category is there? Faith? I do not know, someone tell me cuz I ran out of answers.

What happens then when I finally ran out of answers or lose the strength to find them... Nothing, I don't know anymore. I just might be at the end of my rope and desperately, I just want to let go. It's all wrong, nothing is right. Everything's in the wrong category, I can't make sense of things because it's all so fuckin' wrong now. So much pain, so much confusion, so much disbelief - I feel like I'm falling apart. God, my head hurts.

Give me a catalogue for this life pls

Riding the Lightning
6:09 PM

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Tuesday, December 19, 2006
Butter Pecan

Do you like Butter Pecan ice cream? I don't particularly. I'd go with pistacchio in a second instead or even cookies and cream which is like a little slice of heaven. I'd even take a double dutch or a rocky road, strawberry or plain old vanilla but taking butter pecan will never have crossed my mind.

Now what brought this to mind? Did I suddenly have a craving for ice cream that I decided to write about it? Not really. I got back Identity Crisis a little while ago and read the start of it. There was an interesting story that revolved around Butter Pecan that I found really sweet and endearing, something that doesn't often happen.

It starts with two superheroes (Firehawk and Elongated Man) on a stakeout, waiting for something to turn up. To pass the time, Firehawk (Lorraine) asks her partner Elongated Man (Ralph) about how did he meet his wife. Of course, Ralph was a bit apprehensive of answering the question as he asked why is it always the girls who ask that sort of question. It was a sort of witty retort to divert the question but he answered it anyway saying that, "We saw each other across a crowded room," a typical cliche'd start of a love story haha but that wasn't meant to be a joke because as he followed up, "the one thing I don't joke about is Sue"

They met when he crashed a debutante party one night. It was really a chance encounter but the thing that really made it special was that, they met when Central City was the Flash's town. You know the Flash, fastest man alive right? He's pretty famous. Almost everyone knew who the Flash was, comic book world or real world. Heck, who knows Elongated man anyways? I sure didn't until I read this comic... but moving on, It was the Flash's town and our guy, Ralph was still a no-name superhero back in this day. I loved it when he described the feeling as, "trying to compete with Sinatra" because it was true, everyone in the party took notice of Flash since he was the man. No one noticed Mr. No-Name Ralph that is.... except Sue.

I guess that's how they fell in love. The succeeding panels showed how Sue met all the other heroes; the strongest, bravest, and the one with the best looks in the bunch, "c'mon, she's looked directly into superman's melt-your-heart baby blues, and she still chose me" as he said with a sheepish smile. How about that? Isn't that sweet? I really love the words Meltzer used for this scene because I was completely floored when I read this but then why did I start this whole thing about Butter Pecan ice cream? Well... that's because I remember this line Ralph said when he and Sue first met.

"That's why ice cream stores don't just sell Chocolate and Vanilla. Every once in a while, someone walks in and orders Butter Pecan."

Aww, I found this really sweet. I guess it really does take someone special to take notice of a Mr. Nobody. Imagine that, Sue still chose Ralph though he might not be the strongest, bravest or best-looking out of all of them, she still chose Ralph - Butter Pecan.

I wonder if I'll ever encounter such a person in my life. I'm more of pistacchio myself, a little green as well as nutty haha but you get the point, no one really orders butter pecan or pistacchio on the first chance - it takes someone special to do that. Me? I guess I'm not very good in searching for these things or finding that special someone, I think it's probably one of the things I'm bad at. In any case, I really loved the message of this story; it's sweet and endearing like I said. I just hope someone walks in my life and orders say, pistacchio in a sugar cone but that's probably hoping for a lot.

*Sigh* almost everyone wants Chocolate nowadays -_-

Riding the Lightning
6:47 PM

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Sunday, December 17, 2006
The Road Has Never Been So Lonely

Ah, the Lonely Road:

I found no point in holding on to the past when you have a whole future ahead but now that I find myself standing still, I look back and regret that I have never done so. Thinking again though, life's just beginning for me and it's never too late to start.
Never too late for me anyways...

Now I remember, they call this town Riverwalk. This place can be described as one of those sleepy towns you sometimes dream of. You know the dream, some quiet misty town where there's always this sense of lingering mystery about it. This is that place for real.

This place scared me as a kid. The house we moved in gave me the creeps. My mother can attest that I didn't get one wink of sleep for two weeks when we had just moved in and when I did get some sleep, I am always awakened abruptly after a few hours of slumber. I guess because I've always felt that something was wrong about this place. I never really knew what but I always had that feeling that I wanted to get out of here. Most kids had a boogeyman to blame or the monster underneath their bed but for me, there never were any monsters. It has always been this place.

It's different now. I've grown up and like all monsters, they are locked up in your closet. I gave up trying to figure this place out and I made a life here instead. You grow up and move on but I've always had one problem, I hated taking risks. If you just look at the word, it's not even a nice word to write. It's all got these jaggy letters on it and when you say it, it feels like a hiss more than a word. Risk involves two things, succeeding and failing and I was never a fan for both. Success is overrated and failure just isn't pretty. You'll know what I mean. Read on, I've got a lot to say.

But I remember what Clair once said to me, "The biggest risk might be not taking one at all". What was it then, six years ago? It was when we went to the carnival and I was deathly afraid to ride the roller coaster. I was so afraid that I started to cry and was about to make a scene. But Clair pulled me aside and told me that. I didn't understand her at first and honestly, she didn't either. She just knew it's the right thing to say even if she didn't get it herself. That's the kind of quirk she had, she just knows what to say and now that I think about it, she did have a point because when I rode the coaster, it was great - probably one of the most exhilarating times in my life even.

Now, I'm still afraid to ride the roller coaster and every time I'm asked to ride it, I have to gather all my splattered guts just to get enough balls to get on one. That's risk, splattered guts and balls you need to swallow. You might be able to swallow it or vomit it out but you just know it doesn't taste good either way. I guess what Clair did was put a little sugar on it to make it not taste so bad. It's kind of like what my mom does with slicing onions. She slices them really, really small so you won't notice it when she adds it to the spaghetti and meatballs.

By the way, I don't like onions either.

Riding the Lightning
6:23 PM

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Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Back to The Old Self

How delectably devious...

I'm feeling rather... uninspired.. as of late due to some events that transpired a few days ago. I knew what was to be said anyways since the very beginning of that "romance," I was just a tad bit too love-stricken to actually think the whole situation through. Pretty does that to me. I am glad however that things ended up the way it did. I still kept a friend (at least to my knowledge from her words) and perhaps I can now move on. Now that it's off my chest, I feel like a new man - or rather, I feel like my old self again; detached, unopposed and truly preoccupied with the complexities of my so-called circumstance called a life.

After things went down, I found it rather strange that I wasn't as hurt as I thought I would be. Sure, there was the day of complete dismal silence but one day to mourn really isn't a big deal for me anymore. On one hand, I think it's because it's always in the back of my mind that it wouldn't work out. I'm always second best to a busy schedule and if things progressed in such a way as friends become more than friends do, it'd end up in a disaster. I guess it's just fine for the both of us to stay as friends. I'm not saying I'm hopeful things change, but it's something that I hope is never off the table. Call me crazy if I believe that. For now I guess all I can do is be a good friend and move on to other things because I admit, I haven't been myself when I started having these disturbing feelings and I use the term disturbing lightly.

Not a tear was shed, not a word of contempt - I am neither really happy nor really sad about it because nothing was ever truly lost. However, I am kind of disappointed when it was all over. I wish she had the time to give me an opportunity to at least, let her know me and vice versa. We could have become better friends or dare I say, be more than that, if that was the case... but alas, I am shut out of that part of her... haha, I never stood a chance. I guess that's the only thing making me annoyed, the fact that I'm always shut out. If that wasn't the case, maybe things would be different... but I can't mutter in the what-if's anymore, I can only look to what's ahead. Call me when I have a chance

I mean, I really think I didn't mess this up as much as I did the last time. I sometimes wonder what's wrong with me when I like someone, cuz it's like I become more... vulnerable. I hate it when that happens because all those years of building up defenses are thrown away and like Rose Walker stated, "One stupid person, not any different from any other stupid person, walks into your life and your life isn't yours anymore." How true. I kinda like being sarcastic, bitter and complicated and being under the spell of someone just screws all that up anyways. Now that I'm out of it, I can be back to my normal self and not feel the weight of any imminent heartbreak coming my way because things like this just proves to me that I was right

I was right that "opening myself up" to people is a big mistake. Truly, the person whose my affection belong to can only reject it. I'm just about fed up. People would only like to hear what they want to hear, not that which is true - this is probably the only generalization about people I believe in. I'd rather be sarcastic and bitter rather than be lied to. I have something called a heart too so I don't need anymore sympathy if it's just for pity's (or comfort's) sake, I have myself for that. Call a spade a spade. I'm too broken to even believe in myself much less other people. Any hope of being put back together is a dream, just like believing that I can ever be part of anyone's life as someone more than a friend. Tsk, heartbroken again. So stupid, so really stupid. Why did it have to happen... I just wanted to like someone... I didn't really want her to like me back, just acknowledge my existence as someone special.

Tch. Annoying. I'm going to sleep.

Riding the Lightning
11:09 PM

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Sunday, December 10, 2006
Hearts and the Idiot

" Sorrow is what I hate but it's grown my sensations
Regrets taught me how to make any hard decisions
Peace is always by my side but I've never felt it once
Love is not the word only for the sweet romance"

I mean the clouds were talking about it all day, weren't day? About how topsy-turvy, wishy-washy and ball-busting the world has become. Mr. Nobody said the world was a drooling idiot and I have to agree... It is a big fat idiot after all with cold spots on its extremities and pimples we'd like to call land masses on its face and I happen to be walking on this drooling idiot along with everyone else. Would that necessarily mean everyone here is an idiot too? Maybe... I happen to consider myself a very big idiot but that's just admitting what's really true. I know some people who will never admit to themselves to being idiots, they're too idiotic to see that.

But for those who are idiotic enough to listen to another idiot in this idiotic world (yes, ive written the word idiot 11 times now, I'm aware), I'd like to exclaim how I feel like I've been swimming for 5 straight hours. You know the feeling right? After 5 hours of swimming, your legs are kinda weak, your vision gets kinda blurry, your eyes start to water and you're too tired to pick yourself up. That's what I'm feeling but honestly, I haven't been swimming for 5 hours, it's just that it feels that way s'all.

Probably another analogy for the feeling I'm having is to have to sit through a math class on a perfect summer afternoon. It's excruciatingly painful, simple right? It feels as though you're world is being torn apart into

P

I

E

C

E

S

Yes, math class does that to me. Sitting inside a rinky-dinky classroom while looking outside the window, is simply unbearable. I could just stand up and leave probably, but that won't get me anywhere in my so-called future would it? Haha the idiot has rules! or are they really rules? I've always been under the impression that the world hates me because I think of it as idiotic. Who'd have thought that the world didn't want to be called an idiot? but I don't want to blame it, it's just there not doing anything - spinning on its axis, rotating around some star since the dawn of time - I'd go crazy and take it out on people too if I was the one in its place. Wow, something in common, mutual bitterness - I think I'm in love.

I want to know a lot of things, really but more than anything, I want to know about myself. I want to know why I'm such an idiot. I want to know why I have things called feelings or why they have to be hurt. I want to know the line between friends and lovers, when to cross that line. I myself can never put myself under a microscope, if I could, maybe I could make wiser decisions, decisions that won't ultimately bite me in the ass. But as my friend Chester pointed out, if I got what I wanted everytime, I wouldn't be living a life. Even so, I do want some things to go right sometimes - I think I am due some good days or blessings - just that, well, I don't so I'm angry, pissed and, most of all, hurt.

In the end though, I cannot do anything about it. I will remain the idiot, trying to learn from my mistakes in the hopes to make things better and I will still remain on this drooling idiot of a world that messes it all up.

I do appreciate that you value our friendship, I guess I really need to know that to move on.

Final thoughts? I wish I was a fireball. How's that?

Riding the Lightning
9:39 PM

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Wednesday, December 06, 2006
Cold Christmas

"It's like, they say that but only to make me feel better, they don't really do it; They tell you that they'll be there for you and that no one has to go through it alone and yet when the whole talk is over, it's the same, I get lost somewhere... alone;
What was all that bullshit for then?"

What can you tell me about that line up there?

Today, when I went downstairs, my dad shouted at me for no apparent reason. Apparently, my brother forgot to have something xerox'd and by weird parental reasoning, I was also to blame. Apparently, I had a car I didn't use to xerox the damn thing. Apparently, I was to blame because I didn't do anything about something I didn't know. Apparently, I have to do it when it was my dad who told my brother that he would drive him around. I can go on and on with the apparents but just seeing the word parents is eating at my nerves. Tell me though, do I deserve that? Maybe. Who knows? I sure don't. Shit happens all the time. And taking a line from Ben, "It happens to the best of us"

From a conversation with a friend yesterday, I have been thinking again. Waiting for my brother in the car as well as driving around San Juan for an hour gave me enough time to think about what the hell was going on. Recently, to the tell the truth, I've not been feeling so well. I've been sleeping later and been waking up abruptly, unable to get a good night's rest, for at least 4 days now.

Recent events brought back some very familiar feelings. By this I mean, a certain someone who just happened to have captivated my heart. But it's not a happy kind of feeling but a shock worth reflecting on. It was whether or not, we saw each other as friends. Talking with another friend yesterday allowed me to reflect on this question I was faced with and while I replied to this certain someone that we were, it kinda nagged on me about how we were friends. Why was she special out of everyone? Why do I feel that I'm letting her walk all over me? It's kind of unfair, in my opinion but maybe I'm also being selfish.

It's like, I try everything I could to be with her, make her happy yet it seems that there's a certain wall I couldn't overcome. This wall seems to be evident in the one question-one answer format of our conversations and even if I find some of them endearing, I have to be honest - there are too many "Sorry, I can't" messages to make me doubt about our standing as friends. Don't get me wrong, we are friends but I feel like I'm treated more like an acquaintance. It makes me doubtful about the whole thing. I feel it's one-sided more than anything. If there's anything she'd do for me, any little thing at all, like a simple "hi" then maybe I can set my mind at ease about the whole thing.

But there isn't

It feels hopeless trying to reach you. As much as I want you to know me and as much as I want to know about you, there's still that wall you always put up. I can see you through it yet you don't see me... what am I to you then? a friend, is that what you call it? Maybe I'm being unfair to you, as well as myself about this whole thing if I let things continue the way they are. So maybe that's enough reason for me to be brave for what I have decided to do; that is, tell you about it. I swear on the next time we meet that I'll throw the question back to you. Hopefully, the answer would put my mind at ease and if not, then maybe I was wrong to say that "of course, we are friends" because I should at least know what we are basing our friendship on.

I don't like being treated as a joke when I'm dead serious and one thing I never joke about are my friends. I've had enough people treat my problems with such patronizing bullshit. I've had people who I open up to and think that I'm joking. And finally, I've had people making promises they couldn't keep. I do not want you to be in that list of people because frankly, I like you too much. I'm happier when I meet you or even by the rare instance that I hear from you and maybe because of that, I'm too afraid to stand up for what I want to believe in the most, our friendship. If I question our friendship, it may rob me of my happiness... but I think it's all for the best... like I said, it wouldn't be fair for you or for me if we're just kidding ourselves right?

I hope you think about it as well... because one way or another, I'm gonna have a very cold christmas without you.

Riding the Lightning
12:05 AM

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Friday, December 01, 2006
The Calm Before the Storm???

Okay, I think officially making a big deal out of this. Just gotta let it out.

AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

What was that about?!?!?!

Riding the Lightning
12:28 AM

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