The Lonely Road

The name's Marty

age: 20
sign: Libra
hobbies: writing, reading, games

Quotes of my life:

1. I spent half my life betraying a friend or an ideal I believed in,
The other half is spent trying to find the strength to say "I'm sorry" -Nighthawk

2. Nothing should be able to do that, especially not love -Rose Walker

3. By the power of truth, I, while living, have conquered the universe -V

4. When you're on you're knees you're closer to the ground -Tori Amos

5. Why must the grieving be so short and this life so long? -Silver Surfer

6. You should never forget that people do care -Richmond

7. Love was never meant to be such a crazy affair, and who has time for tears? -Akira Yamaoka

8. Friend, at your service! -Berk

9. Happy is me cuz only u make urself miserable -Myles

10. Safe to say, everyone believes in your willpower -Glenn

11. On the road to redemption, just because we are told not to forget
doesn't mean we have to go through things alone -original

12. One true friend is better than a dozen liars -confessional

13. Just live life -James

14. I'd rather be the moon to shine your darkest night -Sophia

15. Life is a circumstance -original

16. Better to live in solitude than feel alone amongst a crowd -Faye

17. That's why ice cream stores don't only sell Chocolate and Vanilla,
Once in a while, someone comes in and orders Butter Pecan -Ralph Digby

18. And so, I'll follow you through the darkness of this world, no matter the pain,
Because I know that you'll be there to light my way -God Knows

19. Sometimes, people build walls around them to have people knock them down -???

20. Now, you listen to me, James Hawkins. You got the makings of greatness in you, but you got to take the helm and chart your own course. Stick to it, no matter the squalls! And when the time comes you get the chance to really test the cut of your sails, and show what you're made of! Well, I hope I'm there, catching some of the light coming off you that day. -John Silver

Still some more to be found...

Tuesday, January 30, 2007
A Little Pain ~Nana

I miss the way that I wake up every morning with you on my mind. The world seems simpler and happier that way; as each day greets me with a loving embrace and I think to myself how lucky I am to share this day with you- somewhere, someplace. The thought of you kept me confident of the day ahead - love makes you stronger in ways you never thought it could and for me, it gave me strength to face anything life can possibly throw at me. I don't feel lonely when I think of you. I always somehow feel warm when you're on my mind and I always have a smile on my face whenever I whisk away to sleep.

It's hard to keep believing in that now and as painful as it is, I'm finding it really hard to be alone again. What made it hard was the fact that maybe for the first time, I wanted to feel something for someone again and for one selfish moment, wanted to feel special as well. I thought I was but I guess that's not the case because I was after all, since the day, "just a friend".

I should be happy since I am a friend of yours and was fortunate enough to have met you in my lifetime but why does the word friend hurt so much the way it does? Isn't a friend a good thing? I've had so many people use the word friend to lead me astray. They'd say one thing and mean another and they treat me like a child, saying "I said that not to hurt your feelings" and for what? Because I was a good guy and they would never think of hurting a good guy... then tell me, how does a good guy learn? I guess some people would rather let someone believe in a lie rather than give them the truth as what a so-called friend would do. If it meant that I have no chance with you, so be it but before any of these emotions rose, you were always there as my friend -- a friend I can hold on to, a friend I found strength in, a friend to greet the day with me.

Now, the day seems sadder and the wind is slightly colder. All the while, I kept wondering if I would ever find a better answer for my questions in life, by myself. I don't want to be left behind anymore than I already am or even, I don't want to stagnate in this circumstance any longer. I want things to keep changing, to keep moving -- to have the world throw everything it can possibly throw at me because amidst the whirling dervish, I will find a life worth living if not with you, then for myself.

Despite all that, the truth remains. I still miss you. I always have because you just weren't there

Riding the Lightning
7:20 AM

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Tuesday, January 16, 2007
Picking Up Guns

I just finished reading Infinite Crisis a few days ago and I must say it's definitely worth every buck spent -- mainly for the one reason that for the first time, I saw Batman pick up a gun and actually threatened to use it.

I've come across those times as well -- a certain time when I am so tempted to pick up a gun and simply point and shoot at the things that I find wrong in the world. I guess for this time, I am not angry at myself anymore but instead, angry at something else which is why the end of the barrel isn't pointed at my own cranium anymore but instead, on the person right next to me.

I have been sick recently. Staying up late brought back my headaches and out of my total abandon, I have forgotten to take care of my health; often skipping meals because I just wasn't in the mood hence my ulcer. It's one of those times when you want to desperately hold on to something to make you feel better but then you find the only thing you're holding is either a knife or a gun that's looking mighty friendly.

I mean, you try to keep it all together day by day and try to go to sleep in one piece without being another car accident on the way home.

Then you come to a point where someone pushes your buttons just the right way -- the precise way-- to unravel everything you've tried to bottle up. Next thing you know, he's on the ground lifeless, you're on top of him with bloodied fists and you find your throat sore because for some reason, you've been screaming. The really creepy thing? You feel a WHOLE LOT better. That's how the day feels like now. I guess maybe the one thing I held on to was the only thing keeping me together, focused, inspired and now that that dream is slowly being dismantled as each day passes, everything slowly crumbles back into the way they were.

I can only cross my fingers and hope everything gets better because I'm so tired of waking up without a reason. I wish I mattered enough to make me believe in myself.

Later

Riding the Lightning
10:24 PM

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Wednesday, January 03, 2007
Ulti

Ultimate Spiderman is so cool.

I am up to book 5 already and it left me hanging in a bad way. DAMMIT. MJ and Peter broke up by the end of book 5 so I was completely stunned when I got to the final pages. Growing up knowing the spiderman story by heart then having that suddenly happen really catches you off guard but then again, if you read it, you'll see a more human side to the story - something that was (in my opinion) missing in the older stories.

I mean, you never see the good guys break up with their girlfriends or how they get bullied in school - you never see them cry or get fed up living with the burden of responsibility, but they do and that's why I'm particularly attached to the Spiderman stories. I don't know if you've read any of the stories, you'd probably just know everything from the movie or the short version but for me, everyone goes through the same things. We all lose people we love at a point in our lives and we each have to sacrifice the things we want for ourselves for the benefit of something far greater than ourselves. Power and Responsibility - the overused cliche. It happens to everyone right? That's the painful thing about the whole thing - you can not always get what you want.

Despite that, you just have to try and work with the broken pieces you have. The thing about working with broken pieces is, you get cut using them - that's why the whole is better than the piece but that's not happening any time soon so we all just have to try to keep it all together. Things will either make you or break you but it's all the same, we all go through the same thing like what my cousin passed down to me, "maybe the biggest problem with depression is that we walk around thinking were the only one whose suffering from it" - there's an arrogance to that but isn't it true in fact that in the misfortunes of a circumstance, we tend to hide it or keep it bottled inside, afraid of letting other people find out for the sake of saving face. When we talk to a friend, we confide our weaknesses - hoping to find strength amidst the pain but what hurts is the disappointment we feel when we find out that we are actually alone when our so-called friends do not care or worse, betray us.

Still... we search for that strength we cannot find within ourselves in the people around us. Or sometimes, we find our strength in the things that are greater than ourselves: in beliefs, faith, philosophies and ideals. There is hope there, as well as salvation and redemption. Power and Responsibility, it's not a one way street. Life throws you lemons, make lemonade as the saying goes. It's really easy to say but it takes something more than human to make it work.

"So, I'm just -- going to live my life that way and everything else is noise."

Riding the Lightning
11:31 PM

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