The Lonely Road

Sunday, February 18, 2007
Way Too Early

Today is Sunday, I counted, as I woke up groggily from my bed. The air was especially cold in the room as I realized that I wasn't my jacket any longer from whence I took a snooze. No wonder I woke up at 3am -_-

I cursed when I saw that it was still 3:45am. That meant I fell asleep somewhere around 9 or 10 the prior night... I couldn't remember... I slept the day away. Making best of the time, I went to my pc and tried to find something to do. I opened warcraft 3 and played a dota game when my pc abruptly froze. When it did, I had to do some extra troubleshooting to get it working again. Annoying I know but it can't be helped, I had nothing better to do anyways. I then realized that I couldn't feel anything on my fingers or toes as the cold air of the AC mercilessly bit at them so I covered myself in my blanket as I worked. Once it finally worked, I sat down and tried to see if the pc worked. The screen lit up and it was loading much to my relief. Checking the clock, it was just a quarter from 4am, sunshine was just starting to shine into my room.

As I braced myself from the cold in front of my pc, I felt a wave of nostalgia wash over me. It has been years since this last happened -- I remember waking up in the wee hours of the every morning, unable to get back to sleep. The combination of restless dreams and biting cold was enough of a wake up call for me and even if my mind was an utter blank, the instinct was to open the pc and try to write about what just happened. Truly, this doesn't make sense but it's a sort of habit that's hard to drop. I recall that I'd write long essays about what I was thinking, get groggy, read what I wrote, decide that it's utter crap, erase it and then go back to sleep saying to myself that I'll finish it in the morning when my mind's working. I never did finish anything in the morning because I could never figure out what I was writing about in the first place.

I guess I do that because I really don't have anyone to talk to at 3am in the morning. I wish I did but I don't... so there. I don't even know what I'm talking about -- I just narrated what happened from 3am. I spent the idle time catching up on Nana and later, couldn't put myself to stop watching until I realized that the room was spinning. I realized that my throat was dry so i drank some water and from that, my stomach churned -- I was hungry, so I finished off the last of the sour cream and onions Pringles that was lying around. Watching Nana until 7am got me to where I am now, writing about it.

I have no explanations for this entry except that I found the picture I found pretty and that I haven't written anything narrative in a long time. I even missed writing the Battle Royale I started -- that will have to end soon (Soon, my fans, very soon). I checked a friend's blog today and found out she was having cat problems haha. Entertaining. On a sidenote, my grandmother effectively paid off any debt I have with my parents due to the things getting lost fiasco. Luck strikes again! But I'm not going to rub it in on the rents any time soon. As far as they are concerned, I still screwed up and as far as I'm concerned, I still screwed up.

I think I want to change some pictures in this blog of mine... any suggestions? Goddamn, it's too early -_-

Riding the Lightning
6:54 AM

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Friday, February 16, 2007
The Rents

The shit officially hit the fan today as I found myself in the most unfortunate of circumstances. Things just keep slipping from my mind and I seem to misplace a lot of my things as the day goes on -- now, I'm missing two of my books and my mp3 player... still going to look for them though but I really doubt I can...

Aside from that, I get fined while parking in Ateneo past 6 which is weird cuz I remember that it was only in the cornfields that you weren't allowed to park past 6... apparently, that extended all over to north carpark. Lucky me.

On the final note, I had to face the music and tell the rents about it and like any parent, they used the parent card as I was lectured about how irresponsible I am. I'm not going to lie about it -- I was irresponsible in losing these things and I accept whatever punishment they were giving me which is basically, me having to fix my own mess. I guess I'll have to lay low for a while and stop talking to them until they feel better. I guess it all just piled up on this particular day so I wanted to get it over with and tell them everything that went wrong and face the music. Parents will be parents after all.

I can't believe I have to fix such a big mess tomorrow-- it's going to hurt my wallet at the least. But I'm more afraid about what's happening to me. I"m such a mess, I can't focus at all. I just didn't notice it pile up over the week until it finally catches up to me and it's usually a bad sign when I have no choice but to tell the rents about it. I really need to center or else I'm going to fall apart. I actually feel like I can focus again after what happened yesterday. I said what I had to say, didn't regret a thing, saved a friendship and managed to make a joke about it in the end. Maybe I can get it all together again but still, I have to face the music for losing focus in the first place.

I guess maybe that's the one thing my parents will never understand -- that I have my own reasons for slipping up. Parents will be parents as they dismiss everything you say as something that doesn't matter compared to what they went through and they can be really dense in hearing what you have to say. I know -- my parents are like that. My parents will never understand me, I have learned to accept that. I will always be their son but I will never be Marty in their eyes-- it's a curse and blessing at the same time. I guess I just have to take the obligations I have to do, swallow my pride when I'm scolded and take the punishment like a man but I can never do or feel anything more than the responsibilities they invoke on me.

An example? They think that my comic books, which are one of the most important things in the world for me, are a waste of money. What's more, they say these things without even reading through one. I hate it when they do that because it's like they don't respect the things I find precious in my life. Honestly, I learned a lot more life lessons reading those than spending time with my parents so what gives them the right to say it was a waste of money? Most of the time, I think they don't even know what they're talking about because they're so intent on making their point.

I often wonder what they value more... my character or my results because they seem to just leave me alone as long as my results are satisfactory. Even though they say that they value my character more, actions say otherwise. They never really pay attention to my "character" until I do something wrong in which case, it's time to use the parent card again as they lecture me about why it's important to be a good person in a bad world. Why does it seem that they only notice me when I do something wrong? Because they're parents that's what -- I came to terms with that a long time ago.

Just let them think I'm a screw-up, I don't really give a damn. I'll take it until they leave me alone about it. They don't know me well enough to really understand me and give me the comfort I need whenever I come home -- it's no big deal, it's always been like this since I started having a mind of my own. My solace is in other places... it's just never at home.

Riding the Lightning
11:22 PM

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Saturday, February 03, 2007
Mary Jane

Today, I finally got my hands on Ultimate Spiderman 6. I liked the way the story picks up right after 5 when the break up happened. It feels odd that I could somehow empathize on what was happening though my personal experience didn't get that far.

I was rejected before anything even happened

Instead of wondering what I did wrong, I instead spent the days trying to get over it all. I already know what I did wrong: I believed in the wrong person, I'm just trying to gather whatever pride I have left to get back on my feet. I talked to some friends about the whole thing and they told me that I should just take it as a sign that I was meant for someone better than her. I hope they're right...

In 5 years, not 50, not 500, FIVE years, you'll forget about these things. Oh the drama. You just make a big deal out of it because you don't have anything to compare it to. When real life hits you, then you'll see the big picture.

I think that was the quote but I'm not sure, sounds like it though. I got that from Ultimate Spiderman 6. Eddie Brock (otherwise known as Venom) said that. I guess that's the whole thing in a nutshell. I started this whole blog because of Sophia -- somehow because all of this drama I've hyped up since the day. But now, reading back, I guess it was all drama and looking back from where I am now, it all seems so small. I really hope I get over this... I'm done hoping... Even though the label between our relationship is friends, I feel it to be more one-sided than anything because it was me making all the effort to keep in touch. I'm so sick of it.

In time, I'll soon think of this thing as mindless rants when now it seems like to be the only thing that matters in the world -- she is, she was, she did and after 5 years, she won't. Bet on it.

Whoever said comic books were for kids?

Riding the Lightning
7:13 PM

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