The Lonely Road

Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Uncontrollable

Today, I want to take a pause from everything that is happening. Two more days until everything is over. I'm getting through pretty fine but I have hit a few snags today. I don't want to think about it right now because my mind has entertained other things.

Lately, I have been feeling rather weak. As much as people can see me as calm and collected over the course of the week, inside I'm practically screaming my head off. Now, more than ever I just want to hold on to something, anything to keep me from falling apart. When the mind gets weak, I tend to lose control over what I'm doing or feeling and that's why perhaps, I can write so much better under these circumstances -- highly satiated with medications and coffee, eyes straining, heart aching and teetering between fainting and consciousness. Amidst it all, I can find only a small fragment of warmth to hang on to and that is the thought that I am doing this for someone or something I will one day be worthy of.

It means that at every point, I am looking out into a window, looking for something that will never come and yet I prepare for it because there is always hope. But then the question falls on why a person, a rather logical man at that, put his faith on something as flimsy and as unsure a concept as hope?

Hope is a trick of the mind. It's the ultimate man-made placebo. It turns cowards into heroes and it's practically free of charge. Whenever I stack things together and count my odds, the scale always tips to wherever I put my hopes in. I find it strange that something I do not have a hold over can be so strong a force but then, isn't everything uncontrollable always as strong? Dreams, despair and even love are but a few forces; each of them strong enough to move mountains, each of them with their own price and poison. How then can I dismiss such power within my grasp?

As bound by rational thought as I am, there are just too many questions I cannot answer. If I spent any time finding answers to questions like "Why?" I would go insane. Truly, that's the fate of people who can't give it a rest. Me? I take my vices. Play some cards, some games, drink my coffee, take my drugs and doze off -- it keeps the mind from thinking about questions where there aren't any answers in. Otherwise, rely on the uncontrollable, on the potential of things -- that's what Hope is, one big potential. It's like that little black box you keep around when you don't know where to put something in.

I do not know the reason why I do the things I do. I don't know why I'm in ECE, or what I hope to achieve, or anything else in this life for that matter. I don't have any answers, I just have a lot of questions and a handful of good hunches -- true answers are beyond me, true answers just lead to more questions. Anyone with an answer as to the reason why they're alive in this world immediately merits my skepticism -- tell me then, your meaning in this world. Will your meaning transcend throughout the boundaries of time or will it only last until circumstances end your life quickly as you come into your self-proclaimed epiphany? If you are so sure of an answer, then you're either full of crap or a god. For these things, I leave it to the uncontrollable, to the flimsy, the abstract, the deceptive, the undefinable -- to the complete absurdity. It keeps me satisfied at least.

So I do then, the things I do not for a reason but for a purpose. Reason is bound by the mind; in equations of circumstance, cause and effect and rules and regulations. Purpose, on the other hand, is something searched for without the constricting limitations of the mind... purpose can come from the heart; its fantasies, its romances and its vices. To say I live for a reason is to say I live because of, to live for a purpose is to say I live to/for. One will always have answers and one will always find questions and for me, the search is always the best choice of the two because in the searching comes the experience... the journey is what makes the person, not the destination.

Let me just hang on what little hope I have left then. It keeps me warm and it keeps me sane. It drives the little demons away and provides me safe comfort from anything (or anyone). And in itself, I find the greatest potential... to move towards directions that I hope could give me purpose. Until then, I wait and prepare, looking out the window until the day comes when I would find that which I'm living for... never having to question why... but instead, why not?

Riding the Lightning
5:58 PM

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Crisis Update II

Let's go... it's down to 3 more days.

Monday:
I went to school really early today to get my history handouts xerox'd and ready for tomorrow's test. I had to wear smart casual today so it was really uncomfortable wearing a polo, pants and shoes with your hair gel'd. I hung around in the lab for most of the time, playing magic or otherwise.

By around 1pm, we went to have Maam Obien to check our circuit. Well, that was done over and quickly without a hitch. Around 2:30, it was defense time and we presented our project for ELC 111. Maam Arsol told us that the concept was good, in fact, great but it lacked the hardware implications. A pretty tall order for a project meant to be a software application. A minor setback I hope. Well, we have until tomorrow anyways.

I went home today just as my brother brought some friends over. Gah. I locked myself in my parent's room and hit the books hard. I had to read 6 chapters of history as well as study up for my philo orals for tomorrow. I decided to just leave philo until tomorrow and focus on finishing history. After taking a really early dinner, I fell asleep while reading. I abruptly woke myself up again and continued reading. Once my brother's friends were gone, I took the PC and studied there. A lot of my classmates were just as swamped as I was so I can only hope that they make it through (special mention kay Aldrin: take care of that fever, man at kay Lynn: wag ka papuyat).

I finished reading my history around midnight when I remembered that it was Anjoy's Birthday! While some people would wish for World Peace or ending World Hunger on a shooting star on their bday, Anjoy hopes to get 10 booster boxes haha. Peace lang, dude. World Peace can wait -- Getting through finals is something we should be wishing for hehe.

Tomorrow dawns on an even tougher day as my History Finals and Philo orals takes the plate. Aside from that, the ELC 111 lab project is to be completed tomorrow for our sake. If everything is done tomorrow, it officially ends the "hard" part of this hellish week. It'll all be smooth sailing from that point on... I hope.

Once again, HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANJOY!!!!

And for Hell Week, KEEP IT COMING

Riding the Lightning
1:15 AM

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Sunday, March 25, 2007
Crisis Update

The countdown is down to 4, practically halfway down the road from finishing the Hell Sem. Updates? Here we go.

Day 2: Frustrations of the Final Friday

The past Friday provided a much needed relief. Our 111 circuit actually worked this time. It's able to count now and set/reset when it needed to be. Only problem is... someone had swiped our PLDs so we can't complete it. Now, we have to look for replacements as we only borrowed them from people. I know, it sucks and it might get just as dicey if we can't replace them. I've already found 1 replacement which leaves 3 more to be found. Goddamn it.

The 111 bonus test was kind of easy... if I studied for it. Seems like I was too preoccupied to even give it a moment's attention. In any case, multiple choice with more than one answer is already too much to think about. I just relied on the good old shotgun method to answer it. Jerome also gave us the block diagram for our defense which leaves the ASM charts and written report to worry about. Have to wear smart casual on Monday to boot, means I have to wear pants and look nice. Ugh, formalities.

All was not wasted however as I got to spend the last hours of school time with Aldrin and Sandra, talking about various things -- gossip mostly hehe. And driving Sandra to Music Museum was fun also except finding out a section of Ortigas was closed. I did however get to take a detour to Xavier, bringing back memories. haha Bonding time mostly, I really enjoyed it

Day 3: Saturday Kick-backs
Saturday was easy. I woke up with a headache, took a bath and went to school. Studied for the EngPs retest and hoped for the best. After which, went to the ELC 107 defense. I don't know if we did well but I sure wasn't prepared. It was all spontaneous. Mark and Rich went home with me and did their circuit. It worked, congrats!

Wasted a lot of time playing fighting games but we did the ASM chart. Just the written report and the defense to go. Collapsed around dinner time and I didn't wake up until today: Crisis Countdown 4, Sunday. I'm going to bank a lot on today. It's 5:30, I feel numb and my head's heavy. Bring it on.

Riding the Lightning
4:59 AM

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Thursday, March 22, 2007
Countdown to Crisis: Hell Week Edition

The comic book cover over here says it all: Welcome to Infinite Crisis - Hell Week edition care of yours truly, Marty the ECE student.

As of 7am this morning, with a chat with one Lorlynn Mateo, I have started my crisis countdown. I have stated in said conversation, a list of things to be done by and exactly 7 days. That's right, everything that needs to be done will and should be done in exactly a week from when the countdown started. So let's begin. Match-ups please.

Day 1: Thursday -- Crisis Begins

Today, the Electromag menace rears its ugly head once again as I am given the news that the 3rd exam might possibly be, counted by percent not by letter marks. In simple terms, my pre-conceived C has turned into a D. I had thought that I could breathe easy but now it seems that I have to take a retest on Saturday to make up for lost points. Aside from that, two papers to write and a finals to "look forward to." Motherfucker, I thought I was already safe from it. Damn, what a prelude.

The 6 hour break was spent between playing Magic and building the 111 circuit. The 107 project was done but our prof didn't show up to check it so... damn. As for the 111 circuit, the circuit is pretty easy to build but the design is getting really tasking. If those damn PLDs can even hold up to par to what they're supposed to do then we'd have no problem but since they can't, we have to learn to use another device, a ROM. Damn, as if my head is aching from using Shift Registers already. (Pardon the technical terms, just part of the course) I hope everything turns out better tomorrow when we check the circuit again. Please God, I need to set at least THIS at ease.

Now, as the hours tick down to the final hours of the first day of Crisis, I have day 2 to worry about. Day 2 contains an ELC 111 test and a thermodynamics final exam as well as finishing touches on both 111 projects. Aside from that, I have to study for the Saturday retest and get my hands on a copy of notes for the history finals as well as reschedule our project defense on Monday. Crisis alright.

Bring it on.

Riding the Lightning
7:43 PM

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Tuesday, March 20, 2007
Sweet Summer Day

Just a handful of days until sweet, sweet summer vacation starts. Even if summer is just a meager one or two weeks, I'm excited going into it as a kid waiting for the toy store to open. Summer, baby!

Yet there are things standing between me and Summer. For instance, 3 projects and 5 more tests impede my path as well as the last minute touches on whatever requirement we're supposed to submit before the sem ends. T'is a great tragedy that so many things seem to shove me out of much desired vacation but like love, it WILL find way and if it can't, it will MAKE a way. I have this whole week to anticipate and size up the obstacles, I gotta keep my head above these things or else...

My PC got a spankin' new motherboard and processor in the midst of this month. Our old motherboard finally burned itself out after 6 years of service. I salute thee old MSI board -- you have served me well.

300 is arguably the best movie I've seen this year (Pirates 3 and Spiderman 3 is not out yet; funny, movies are full of 3's as of late). As I'd call it, the perfect guy flick -- violence and sex, what else do you need? If it isn't the hot dancing oracle with rather "excited perks", I'd raise my glass to the sheer awesomeness of the fight scenes -- passionate, powerful and stylish to boot, Lord of the Rings? What was that? It's like it never existed compared to 300. I thought rampaging hordes of orcs and Nazghuls were cool until I saw 300 barenaked men thwart an army of Persians.

Magic is sweeping the Faura area as new players come in almost everyday. I'm kinda glad I was a part of it when it all started. I remember, it was just me, Marko and Jason who started playing in Faura and soon other people started starting a whole avalanche of card playing enthusiasts which seems to snowball as the days go by. I admit, it does eat up the time (and your money) but you get to have fun, met a lot of new people there haha. I guess I needed to take my mind of something... else I'll be thinking about it more and making some stupid mistakes again. Don't ask people, you know what it is.

I can taste Summer's o so sweet breast as 2 meager weeks stand between us. Lotsa things to do, almost no time to update but here it is, at least. Just to show that I'm not dead yet.

Riding the Lightning
7:36 AM

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Sunday, March 11, 2007
Self-Destruct Please

It's another one of those days. It's one of those days when you wake up groggily to find that the TV is open and Chris Rock is yammering on and on with his rants. His endless rants somehow nudges you out of bed and your eyes find its focus as you see your brother crashed into the bed beside yours. He sleeps humbly as you groan about your premature awakening then your mind puts the pieces together. He left the goddamn TV open.

It was insensitive and stupid of him to leave it open. I have been suffering from lack of sleep and rest for over 2 weeks and the one weekend I have to rest, he ruins.

Aside from that, everything else doesn't give me a break. I'm running low in my electromag class plus have 3 more projects to finish. My friday nights are now curfewed to 12 and my parents seem to make a big fuss about me wearing shorts all the time. What the fuck is right. But I didn't want to deal with whatever they had to say so I just put on some good pants and get the "Sunday Family Time" over with before I have Monday to jump into.

Yesterday, I had my pc fixed but was given a ticket for illegal parking. I don't want to get into the details but I'd want to say it was unfair since the guy in the shop said it was okay. I guess this sem won't let up until it's all over. Can't wait... I made plans.

I want to self-destruct. Boys and girls, it's been fun but there's only so much a mind can handle. I wanna kill my inhibitions for once and just let loose. It'll do me a lot of good. As much as I want to have someone there to help me get through this (a thought I had entertained all day), I decided that I shouldn't because in the end, I have to deal with days like these for the rest of my life and there won't always be someone there to lean on. Bet on it. It's a lonely road out there and I'm preparing for my trip.

A variety of substance abuse entertained me today. I had thought about alcohol, drugs and (haha) religion until finally settling on good ol' aspirins. I could use some right now-- maybe later. Anti-depressants might work also but I wonder where I can score those without a prescription. Coffee's there but staying awake with your brain working is the exact opposite of what I'm shooting for. Finally, good old sleeping your life away -- always a winner... until you wake up again.

My head feels heavy and light at the same time. I feel weaker than usual -- uninspired to even greet the day. One thing clouds my mind, my judgment and my actions -- that is, when will it all end. I wish I had someone to tell all these things to, I wish I had. I wish I could lower my pride to at least to one person without having them hurt and betray me in the end. I wish I could trust a constant and finally, I wish wishes come true because it seems like a world not worth living if a dream can't come true. What would the world be then but a festering pit of dashed hopes, broken ambitions and despair. That is a world not worth living in.

I'm officially out of it.

Riding the Lightning
7:59 PM

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