The Lonely Road

Wednesday, June 27, 2007
The ? of Suicide

I just want to take a pause from everything that's going on and go back to basics; to the places where it all started from.

Where else does power lie but in the responsibility one undertakes?

I have always had one creed in life; one thing to believe in and that was shattered a long time ago. What now then? I guess... for me... it's all about starting over. Back to basics like I said. So, where did it all start? Oh yes, him, on the left.

If life was anything, I'd describe it as the decision of suicide. I'm serious. I've flipped the argument over and under since a long time ago and my perspective hasn't changed. Why so grim? Because I do not find a lot of things... important in life. Heck, I don't feel important and the thing is time will go on without me. When I cash in, it wouldn't matter in the end of things. Maybe you'd matter for the moment but after that, you're pretty much wormfood. So... the question of suicide... why keep on going?

I used to think that the answer was easy: because I have to live for someone. Eventually though, those aspirations have been shattered over and over in the course of 5(?) years. As each attempt to find a meaningful relationship turns into a hapless quest, I soon realized that these people just wouldn't give a damn if I sacrificed much of my time and effort for them. It goes along the lines of being an option while treating everyone as a priority kind of thing. In the midst of this, I have become far from being strong and instead have grown weak and needy of human contact -- it's just disappointment wherever I go but as some of my friends comment, that goes with the package. It's kinda sad to think that everyone's a walking disappointment and I'm sorry if my glass is half-empty but that's just the way it is. In the end, living for someone does not give me an answer to the question of suicide. I can dedicate myself to people I care about but I shouldn't expect anything more from them... not anymore at least.

Second, I thought that I should live for myself; dedicate a life in the pursuit of happiness so to speak. This answer hit the dead end right after it got to the floor unfortunately as I realized that I do not know anymore what makes me happy. I mean, building up an impenetrable logical wall kinda saps all the emotions out of you. When that's gone and you want to give emotions a try, you end up not knowing where to start. So scratch that, my pursuit of happiness is not the answer... heck, if I was happy would I even ask that question in the first place? -_-

Third is to just run away from the question. I've tried that and it worked for a while until it caught up to me. And by caught up, I mean hit me straight on with the force of an 18-wheeler truck on full speed. This, my friends, have caused some very uncomfortable sleeping patterns and headaches. I can not run away from the question in my given state... I have nothing else to think about! My whole world, my whole universe, revolves around that one question and it jabs at my side every time I'm alone. Why should I keep living if there is nothing to live for? I think I hear it now. So yeah, can't run away.

Next and probably the most simple answer would be, live just because you can. I actually came upon this answer when I was reading Death: The High Cost of Living. I don't know why I feel better whenever I read it, it just makes me think that my life, well, might not be important but at least, I can make it what I want it to be. I ought to have fun when I can, get angry when I can, cry when I can, etc etc but I shouldn't throw life away just because I was starting to find it "inconvenient." A life can always mean more given the circumstance and maybe that's why I still go out with my friends, allow myself to love and even appreciate a cool sunny afternoon once in a while. It's all because it's ultimately up to me to give meaning to it -- I might not know what I'm heading towards to with this lifetime of mine right now but I might as well enjoy the trip and try not to careen off the road and burn in a blazing pile. That's just bad publicity.

This answer perhaps is the most wishy-washy of them all -- it has no clear guidelines or standards, just a different way of asking the problem. Instead of asking why should I keep on living, it asks instead, why not keep on living? It's amazing how everything falls into place once you turn the question around -- the answers seem easier and sometimes, you can find waaaaay better answers as well. Right now though, these answers don't really matter because I feel like life just shat all over me. In these times, a person, no matter how logical and rational he can be, comes to the point of giving up everything he has lived up for -- if indeed, he lived up to anything at all. That's me, ladies and gentlemen -- I am that person and right now, I do not want any answers to uplift me to a new-found epiphany of self-worth just yet.

No

I want to feel like I have been ran over by a freight train and hopefully from there, start over. Back to basics like I said and ask the question of suicide. It's not an option I'm willing to take... but it most certainly is an option I'm willing to entertain...

Tch. Bad night. Gonna look for some medications now. Later.

Riding the Lightning
8:56 PM

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Monday, June 25, 2007
Mr. No-Sunshine

Yesterday was a pretty okay day if you can call it that. It started with a 730 class of TCOM that went hand in hand with our first quiz. Piece of cake, I was listening. It was particularly less stressful since I didn't have to drive to school that day -- my car was having problems so my dad drove me to school. I actually got some extra Z's in the car so I'm kinda happy for that.

The rest of the day was rather dismal. I was just hanging around Faura, watching and playing Magic all day. I did go to Manang's to eat with Jaco, John, Etel and Roma also -- even though I wasn't that hungry. Later on, it was time for our first electronics lab class. Mark was my partner and he was 30 min late for one thing. The other thing was... an issue between the guys about losing an opportunity haha. Dude, if you see it, go for it. We'll understand haha. Overall, it was just a good 2 hours of pushing buttons.

Our next class had a very turbulent change as we were notified that we had a change of teachers. A sir ice would be teaching our other tcom subject and based from what I heard from the introductory lecture, I'm really not sure what we're going to be doing. He basically gave us the wheel and called our subject an easy A. Sure hope so, cuz I'm not in the mood to put any effort to a lot of things right now.

My father fetched me again from school after classes was over. I made a quick stop at CD-R king to get some CDs to start burning our give-away cds. Toujin recweek starts today after all. After that, we also went to Gateway to get an adapter for my mp3 player. Happy to say, it works now so I can start using it again. That way, I don't have to listen to the noise around me.

I listened to one song all the way home. One song because I didn't want to hear anything else. I just wanted that one song to sap everything from me. I fell asleep on the way home with the song playing over and over in my ear and perhaps in that moment, I was able to see things a little more clearly: pain puts everything in perspective -- love doesn't. Love however makes everything worthwhile. So... you have to feel a little pain when you love somebody, just to put everything in perspective and make it worthwhile at the same time.

Hahaha I can't believe I'm starting to use the words 'love' and 'somebody' at the same sentence. I might actually be getting better -_-

Riding the Lightning
8:06 PM

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Sunday, June 24, 2007
A Most Difficult Weekend

I think I came down with something this weekend... I don't know what but it was rather unpleasant. One could blame the questionable food I have eaten in Robinson Galleria's foodcourt last Friday or it could have been the excruciating headache I had the time I got home from my trip. Amidst this, the weekend was a test of wills for yours truly.

Neslie visited my house at around 730am on Friday. We did nothing productive but watch an episode of Hustle, getting him hooked to the series. Aside from that, we just talked about the stuff we both have been missing. The 1st sem HAS been awfully demanding for us so we don't really hang out that much anymore. It was a good thing that he visited, he even got to see the near-complete roofdeck. We have been planning to have a really good symposium some time but it never pushes through -- I really need it. But I guess I can't expect it to push through with the now-snowballing schedules. He left at around 11am.

I fell asleep a few hours later and I felt my stomach churning. It ached a great deal as I felt it contract tighter in my abdomen. I wanted to vomit and as I begin to gag, I realized that my stomach was empty yet something was making its way up. It couldn't be anything good so I quickly gulped down a glass of water and tried to relieve myself of the pain. The taste of your own bile is wretched as I can testify. What's worse is this kept happening throughout the week. I feel like I wanna cough up my guts or something every 5 seconds -- I wouldn't be surprised if I one day cough up an organ. What's more is that it is painful... excruciatingly painful -- you run out of breath after cough your guts out and it hurts so much right after. I don't know what's wrong with me, it feels like I'm being ripped apart.

Saturday as especially trying as I struggled without anything to distract myself. My internet was down and my brother was away (much to my relief). I had the whole room to myself and it was a very, very quiet place. I started to hear my inside voices burbling up once I was alone in the house. I fought every impulse to text her (from Neslie's advice). Texting her would be weak and needy -- I don't need that right now, I have to surpass my vulnerability which, in effect, had me throwing my cellphone to the wall and calling it a day.

Exasperated, I began watching House Season 3 straight while shuffling my cards over and over. It was a good 3 hours of constantly shuffling my deck, my fingers ached but at least they were busy. I wouldn't text her, I wouldn't be needy... I wouldn't be disappointed. It was at this time that I realized that I might be going insane or in more polite terms, need help. I have figured out that I ran on some sort of twisted logic that made me feel like God amidst my shortcomings. The fact is, there ARE people who care for me once I give them a chance to and I shouldn't stay locked in my room fighting myself. For now though, I wanted to do so and I did some really quiet meditating while trying to work through the pain I was feeling from yesterday.

I... do not... want to make these people worry anymore so I want to get better. I have to, I realized that.

Feeling like crap goes with the withdrawal I guess. I'm allowing myself to feel pain again, to get angry again, to get sad again then maybe, maybe, I can start to feel happy after all that. I don't know, I hope so. In any case, I'm in pain -- bottomline. It all hurts, it hurts so much. I just want to throw up everything inside me because it's too painful to keep it all in.

Goddammit, I need some medication. Argh, shoot me please.

Riding the Lightning
7:29 PM

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Thursday, June 14, 2007
Welcome to the Dark Side

Once a upon a time, my dear HS English teacher from Senior year asked us to write something. It wasn't an essay or reflection paper that we, as Xaverians, were used to (frankly, those kinds of papers ran on autopilot) -- no, for this particular writing exercise, we were to write our own eulogy if we were to die 10 years from where we stood.

Berk, of course, had the best eulogy to offer and our teacher had him read it in class and when he was done reading his piece, I felt it -- a cold chilling touch from a distant grave that tugged at me, making me realize that we are truly alone. Death for me, was never a loud bang at the end of a barrel -- it had always felt like drowning in an invisible ocean.

As much as you struggle, it just pulls you down further and amidst your struggles, there is nothing but the vast eternity of falling into an abyss. No one can hear your screams. You shout at the top of your lungs, a defiant bellow so loud that it threatens to rip your soul apart and it all falls on deaf ears. It drains you of your lasting breath and it tightens around your neck like a black vise until you give up and accept your demise. No one is there to hear you... no one is there, period -- just your endless screams echoing in a void.

Then, you wake up and realize you're still alive.

Your breathe is still short as air rushes in your lungs. You feel your pulse racing as you remember that you're safe and sound while a cold sweat trickles down your brow. I wanted to scream then and cry agonizingly because I woke up. I woke up to the real world, to a life full of a very real pain. And then I say "enough" and try to go back to sleep. I'm angry all of a sudden, angry more than I have ever been and I don't know why.

Maybe because I feel cheated somehow or maybe this life is just too long. I don't know. There are too many things going around my head, changing every second, tearing me apart and the fact is, I miss having someone there to hold on. It always feels more certain to look forward to tomorrow when you have someone there to smile back at you and for a brief time, I thought I had that until I realized that I was chasing dead stars. And the realization of that feels more like death than anything else.

The cold truth is that I'm the only one caring too much. A friend told me that I'm very unfair, unfair because I will not give a chance for anyone to help me. That I run away before anyone even comes in contact. I run away from what I want, so to speak. It all catches up eventually, I'm afraid and on days like these, it bears down on me more heavily than usual. At these times, I wish I could let the night swallow me whole as I drop down into an empty abyss but that is just a dream I have every so often... and as far as I'm concerned, dreams don't come true anymore.

I will have to come to terms with what has been eating me eventually and I AM going to hurt some people's feelings but I owe myself that much at least. People WILL not like me for what I'm going to do once that day comes but if they are what they say they are, then maybe it won't be as bad as I think it would be.

That being said, I welcome back an old acquaintance of mine... I've kept him locked up for so long that I have forgotten what he had taught me all these times I would feel like dying. Yes, I shall not deny the path I took back then because I have realized that to stare my demons in the face means not only to find redemption in doing good but also, to embrace the darkness, our regrets, our mistakes, our deaths -- because in our most wretched times, admit it, we find the fortitude to do things we wouldn't normally do. I have denied this part of myself for so long that I am making the same mistakes, going down the same path again and never realizing that I am dying again.

"Grow some, Marty. No one's coming to help you"

Yeah, he's right. I shouldn't depend on people to help me, it's ultimately up to them. I cannot ask anyone to die with me, try as hard as I might and yet, that notion also gives me comfort because it makes letting go of the painful things much easier. So much easier.

I hate you for everything you have ever done. How dare you call yourself my friend, that was lie. I wasn't even worth this much and you kept me on. I swear, I'll see everything you have done for me burn. The feeling is now, officially, mutual. I never want to be in association to any of your kind any longer. You have earned, at least, THAT much from me.

I'm so done with people walking all over me. I'm done running. Fuck if I care about them now, they can eat my dust -- I'm walking. Good night.

Riding the Lightning
11:21 PM

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Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Ride the Lightning 2007

Today marks the last day of summer as tomorrow brings the dawn of a new headache that I'd like to call, First Semester-- Senior edition.

As of today, I have done nothing productive. I woke up at 10am, played SRW and Fallout 2 until 12 noon and ate lunch.

Absolutely nothing productive and I like it.

Maybe around 6, I'll start cleaning up the room. God knows, there are a lot of stuff that needs a cleaning here. I don't want to be keeping any old papers that harbor bad memories of summer. No way! Off to the burner they go hahaha. I say, screw recycling these things, I'd rather see them burn. My impulse to clean the room can be mostly blamed by the fact that a lot of moving around is happening. Yes, like I said, my room is being fixed and if it's not the rain leaking into the room, the various plywood coming in and out of here or the massive overhaul every other day, the mess is due to me and brother in summer mode. I mean, DVDs, cards and clothes are scattered all over the place. I actually found an old necklace of mine in the mess haha -- Ima keepin dis one.

Next, it's always life's perrogative to never make it easy for me. Take my love life for example, that's not going anywhere anytime soon and I'm pretty sure I've gone into a whole new level of bitterness and sarcasm. Good to be back to normal. I'm catching up on some debts with some people as well as chasing after DC's 52 series (which I reserved in CATS a week ago). Insomnia didn't really go away yet haha but I did manage to bond closer with some friends due to it (you know who you are). Things begin to move in slow motion when you're lacking sleep, I notice.

Aside from that, the ECCE dept has done it again giving me a 6 hour break (labs non-inclusive) every MW-fucking-F. What to do with the time? Magic maybe.... or Basketball... or go to gym for real this time. I dunno. A lot of things sound good but it all depends on how heavy these days are. The fun part about the sched however is that I pretty much have the same people with me in my majors -- this means, the AXIS is there as well as Boy Band and various... other... inspirations hihi. But (and this is a big butt) after what had transpired during the summer, it's not going to be the same. I mean, it's already awkward and I really just want to get it over with and start shooting everyone, you know, just to make things normal again. People involved are all in one class with yours truly included -- my luck eh? I'm at the front seat of the action.

In other news, the summer was fun because I went back to HS Marty trips. That's right, all-nighters, overnights and gimiks to who-knows-where everyday! Having a car is so imba hahaha. I have effectively gone around Marikina, Katipunan, QC, Fairview, Makati, Greenhills etc in over a week. We've gotten lost and stranded in places without money haha but it was all good. I really have to learn how to commute this year, when that happens the possibilities are endless! Going out a lot also gave me a lot of perspective. I missed this kind of life. Apparently, my problems only build up when I stay at home and think about em which is why I have to get out. Yes, loneliness at home... no girlfriend... no one to love and love me back... they all just bubble away on the road. I love it. There will be a time for that... I'm sure. For now, live life. Love can wait.

I'd also like to mention that we have 4 new puppies to play with. We named them after fruits haha -- Apple, Banana, Chico and Durian. They are all so adorably cute that it brightens up my day just to see them. Amidst the ruckus in the house and the changes happening (externally and internally) on the things around me... having 4 puppies to get through does the thing haha. I mean, it's not as bad when I think about it. I'm still in ECE, I'm still single, I still have (most) of my friends intact and it's senior year for everyone (save us). It should be the time of our lives but why do I somehow feel like I'm not ready for what's coming. Ah well, my fruits and I will get past the pain haha.

Songs have been downloaded again. After the tragic loss of drive D at the start of summer, my brother and I sought to regain our music files and with DSL powering the search, we were unmatched. It's funny how much my taste in music has changed. I mean, I still love rock at heart but I find myself compelled to get some senti songs as well. Times have changed indeed -_-. I've also downloaded some good J-Music along the way haha. Tune the Rainbow from RahXePhon just brings tears to my eyes and The Real Folk Blues from Cowboy Bebop just gets me in the mood for anything. By Migs' suggestion, I also got 3EB and getting Lynn her bday present back then reminded me that I didn't have Aerosmith tracks of my own. Chester's regained interest in Linkin Park also coaxed me to look for the new album as well as old favorites I found scouting around forums (like 3 Days Grace, Fuel, Saliva, 12 Stones, Oasis)-- old favorites never really die.

Is that everything? I think so. I hope so, it'd be tragic to leave out anything before I start getting busy again. Ah well... what will the following months hold... will I make or break? Sink or Swim? Flip or Flop? The analogies just goes on but one thing I'm sure of, things are changing -- better or worse. Things are looking pretty crazy this coming year.

Just gotta Ride the Lightning

Riding the Lightning
4:13 PM

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Wednesday, June 06, 2007
Transit

How long can you keep on running?

You hide between places, my friend -- in places no one would ever think to look for you and for what reason? Are you perhaps afraid of the things that are impending? Will staying in-between really prevent the inevitable finish? You stay up at night hoping tomorrow never comes because tomorrow brings with it a further realization of a future that is uncertain.

Between starts and ends is the place where I want to be. To tether between the extremes, to find the balance amidst chaos and order and to be perpetually torn between two sides is what I have discovered, is my comfort. Maybe this way, I don't have to face what lies ahead or what was left behind. Maybe this way, I wouldn't be scared or get hurt anymore. Maybe in this way, I don't have to grow up and take responsibility.

So you're running away again. Why am I not surprised? You realize that you can possibly miss out on the thing that will make you whole again. Everyone's telling you that. Wake up and kiss the concrete, you can't run away forever.

But I can try. If there's anything I have grown used to, it's making things not matter... even myself. If they don't matter, they don't hurt. If they don't matter, there would be no disappointment. If they don't matter, everything's just... peachy. Don't you think so? I mean, we've been wrong a lot of times and that's because we jump the gun and follow our feelings all the damn time. It hurts being wrong, especially if it's something you want to believe in.

But doesn't it hurt more to stay like this? There is a difference in the kind of pain you are feeling. You are afraid of the pain that will last for a day, a week, a month or at most, a year yet you embrace a wound that bleeds quietly. You are dying, my friend and you're too deluded to even realize it.

It hurts being wrong? Sure it does, are you stupid? Who wants to be proven wrong? In the end, only God knows what's really right -- we're all pretty much in the dark here but that shouldn't stop you from facing what's coming. You can't run away forever. You can try but it all just snowballs. Your scars are there for a reason, they remind you of what not to do the next time -- you got me? Scars aren't meant to become wounds again.

But they do, they do. The past haunts the presents -- everything is relative, can't you see? It doesn't matter in the long run because there is an inevitable. So why not enjoy the time before the end? Why not stay in limbo until the it all comes apart? I shouldn't be particularly attached to anything or anyone because nothing ever lasts in this world of ours. I'm just being practical. At least, save myself from the pain and misery by just forgetting about things and not thinking about anything. Complete Abandon.

Then you are right back where you started from 8 harsh years ago. Nothing really changed then, Marty -- running away means you just went back down that dark road of yours. You would have then discarded everything you've ever built yourself on, you have then discarded the care and concern your friends have given you and furthermore, you throw away what love you have to offer and for what? To find a little slice of comfort... a little taste of relief... to die a slow death. You wasted them all for nothing save your demise.

Demise is inevitable. I'm just trying to enjoy the moment as it lasts.

Not like this you're not.

Riding the Lightning
10:25 PM

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Sunday, June 03, 2007
Chairs

This picture is funny. I like it, so I'll make a post about it which will turn into something deep and dramatic in the long run.

A lot of times, we wish this sign to be true. I could conveniently place this chair at the site of a fight or at a scene of a heartbreak and in a brief moment, rid myself of whatever crappy feeling I may have burbling inside me -- like nothing ever happened. Lots of times, and I mean lots of times, I close my eyes, grit my teeth and wish this chair pops up. It would be kind of funny but that's what I thought about when I saw this picture. (On a sidenote, before I write a post, I type a topic into google's image search and get my header pictures from whatever pops up -- in this post, I was looking for "nothing")

This chair could save a lot of people a lot of trouble by just being there. I mean, misdirection is kind of an okay thing. You can divert traffic from whatever mess you're keeping on the side, just put up a sign -- no one will notice. If only baggage came with such a tag, I'd have a lot less things to keep me awake. And yet, denial can also be the thing that will ultimately come back to bite us. I mean, if this chair was used to cover up something that must be known, wouldn't it hinder us from answers instead? It's sort of like that little white lie we tell ourselves after we do something really bad. You know the one, the thing we tell ourselves to make something smaller than it really is... famous lines include, "it ain't so bad", "it's not a big deal", "that dress doesn't make you look fat" or "t'is but a flesh wound" to name a few.

Sometimes, I really think that everything is just one big conspiracy. I mean, doesn't it feel like life has it all planned out to make things worse for you? Knocks you right back down, so to speak. Then again, life wouldn't be as interesting and exciting without the little stumbles on the way right? I mean, live in adversity and all that -- it's how people become people, ya know. The big guy up there must be having a lot of laughs watching us struggle but I'd also like to believe He has a LOT more fun when he sees us rise above it. I mean, to look at it dead in the eye and admit to ourselves that things did happen, it's the stuff people are made out of.

Tch. Over the past week, my friends just told me "that's reality" over and over whenever I talk to them about baggage. Heck I know that, I accepted reality a long time ago (hence the bitterness) but I don't know why it's so wrong to dream, to hope or what people aptly call umasa. They say it like it's a bad thing to expect something and be disappointed -- I mean, putting faith in people is what I believe in, disappointment is just God's way of saying, no one's perfect. It's just that sometimes, I forget s'all. Spare me I'm only human.

Reality can bite my ass for all I care. I live to dream and to dream is to have faith in something possibly greater than anything life can possibly throw at us. Life is too great to forfeit it to reality's rules. So believe me, I'm going to keep living like that, keeping my spirits up amidst adversity because I will not have this chair situate itself in my life. Something WILL happen, better or worse, it's going to make my life worthwhile.

Riding the Lightning
12:45 AM

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