Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Saturday, September 15, 2007
Tuesday, September 04, 2007
Gathering My Good Graces

It feels as if the wind has been knocked out of me
so for now, I'm sorry but I'll have to take some time away from writing here...
As much as it pains me, I have to sort out something else
So for now, I'm putting things on hold.
Not going to stop writing though.
Just not here, right now.
I'm needed elsewhere.
So later
Riding the Lightning
9:51 PM
Goodbyes
I say my goodbyes as a last attempt to erase you from memory. There will be a time when what I'm going to say will be most appropriate... as I will say that you have been so significant in my life that it tears me apart to say farewell. Why? Because perhaps I have grown far too fond of you and the fact that we will part ways and forget about each other makes it even more unbearable. I am sure of one thing in this world and that is, no good thing lasts forever -- our union is no different, it will fade in time and as much as you cheerily say I'm an idiot for saying that it won't last, I've experienced far too many goodbyes to make me doubt my judgment.
So let me just say my farewells and leave it at that. I do not want to cling to a false hope of our union lasting for more than it can possibly can... it will just hurt more when reality comes in and hacks that dream away. I will always have the lonely road ahead of me as it calls me eternally, in search of something always fleeting -- always out of sight and you, well, you will have a happy life ahead of you as you will probably find joy in the arms of another person who will love you possibly more than I can ever do. Let's leave it at that then.
Don't let the tears in my eyes fool you, this is what... I... want. Yes, indeed. This is the right thing to do. It's better to just leave everything and keep a happy memory of our times together rather than have it last longer with pain waiting at the end of the road. Worry not however for I will never forget you... I'm not running away because I want to forget you, no, far from it. I'm running away because in the root of it all, I cannot bear the fact of not being with you. Strange? Not really, I'm just going to run as far as I can to make it more bearable. This is what's best... yes.
Crap, apparently I am not as prepared as I thought... My words are shaky, my resolve is unsure and it's hurting more than I had anticipated. I'm not ready to say goodbye yet so I'll cut this short... til another day when I will be. Let's leave it at that.
Riding the Lightning
9:01 PM
She...
I hear her voice everyday, at every moment in time.
I could never explain why but I always want her to keep smiling. Somehow, it makes everything better if she's just her cheery old self, saying everything is "just peachy" even though everything is turning to crap. I'd usually call it blind, stupid optimism for most people but not her -no- it's something I have grown fond of... even loved over the years since we've encountered each other. Maybe I'm living my life just to preserve that cheery attitude of hers; God knows, it works to my benefit also since it makes life, at the most, tolerable and keeps me away from bad thoughts whenever they arise.
On lonely days, she just keeps quiet. She'd just be there beside me without saying a word because she knows how I like the few rare moments that I have time to myself. Yet she stays with me because she also knows that leaving me alone makes everything hurt more than it should. So she stays quiet until I'm ready to call it a day... until I stand and walk away... or run to somewhere far and even then, she'd be waiting for me the next morning when I would greet another day.
Finally, on bad days, she'd just sit with me and talk about whatever things. She'd talk to me about how rainbows were cool and how cool the breeze is just after the rain. She'd laugh about the funny sound the tricycle motors make when they're driving off and she'd feel sad for the male mantis and spiders who get eaten after getting some. Why? because she knows I'm just making a big deal out of things that aren't really important. These things... they pass and they heal over time; it's just that on some days, they come back to just make your day that much shittier. She knows that and so she tells me of everyday things that doesn't seem to matter but are just fun to think about... definitely better than thinking about bad things.
I do not have anything in particular to say, I just wanted to talk about the girl who just makes my day. For better or worse, whether the day be warm or cold, I know she's always going to be there... at my side, whispering in my ear about how I should smile a lot more because it makes other people smile also... she's funny that way -- and right about what she says.
Riding the Lightning
12:14 AM
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