A new day looms over the horizon as I once again scratch off the 20th year of my still-existing life. It was a good 20 years of joy, sorrow, pain, torment, happiness, ecstasy, regret, hope, despair and all sorts of emotions mashed into a blender to produce the smoothie I call, my life. There were a lot of lessons to be learned and remembered; even more mistakes to regret and hold on to. All these build character... as a wise man once said.

On a trip to Tagaytay, my friends obliged me to spill my guts -- first they asked who I loved.

I know who I love, it's a very clear fact but I don't say it out loud. Doing so will just drive people to criticize what you're doing. Admittedly, I do love someone but knowing that I do, means that I have to let her go and that hurts... I made it a point not to let myself be involved with someone who doesn't want me around as someone more. Amidst all the bitterness, my friends managed to dig up that shred of hope I hang on to too tightly. All those jeerings and assumptions they make made me think about it and now it hurts (again) yet they celebrate the fact that it does. That just meant I wasn't numb anymore -- I was feeling again and not for a non-existent being, I had feelings for someone again. Though I can't seem to come face to face with it, at least I know it's there somehow, deep in my heart, a small spark of flaming passion that's still too weak to provide warmth around it.

I somehow remember how it went:
Carlos: "So meron tinunguan yung mga pang-aasar namin sa iyo? Masakit magmahal noh?"
Marty: "Yeah, it sucks"
*high fives for everyone*

Second, they asked why -- why was I so bitter?

I can point out the living human reason why I'm bitter but I'm not fooling everyone. I brought this upon myself. Rage consumes... it's like a festering disease that eats at you alive and for me, I let it consume me to my core.

I can attest that what happened before was unfair beyond comprehension. Played for a fool and left for dead was what it felt at the time. Along with that, I lost a lot of things I can never get back -- it was like having a thief that steals one thing at a time until you realize there's nothing left anymore. For some time, it had felt that way. I let the memory consume me -- I let it settle into my heart because... because it felt like the only thing I can rely on.

I can rely on people to hurt me. I can count on people to disappoint. I can believe in despair and I can let regrets pave the road of my life. All of these made sense in world where someone has lost so much but really, how far can rage and bitterness carry you? It can only lead you to a false sense of security that doing this will make the hurt less painful but as any caring human being can attest (and believe me, I've met some) clinging on to this will make you miss out on the better things of life. Caging yourself, hurting yourself, mutilating yourself will not make the anger go away -- it just makes you remember them even more.

Can I actually forgive her? Maybe not... too much damage has been done and too many things have been lost but those are all my fault. My pride tells me I'm right, that I am the one supposed to do the forgiving but it feels stupid to forgive someone who is clearly over the whole incident. Instead, let that be a weight on her conscience. Nothing will bring it back. She was right, things have changed but only because we let it -- we didn't even try to be friends again. She moved on while I hung on... to memories, regrets and the pain that she left me.

Nice: "Mafoforgive mo ba siya if ever magkita uli kayo?"
Marty: "I have no idea... I'd be too angry to think straight"
Carlos: "May balak ka bang kausapin siya?"
Marty: "Yeah, I do. But I'm afraid"
Carlos: "Of what?"
Marty: "Letting go of the only thing that made me, me"

Third question -- Is it doing you any better that you can love again?

Do I feel loved, is the real question here. Indeed, I can love someone with all my heart -- I can give up a lot of things for the one who I entrust my heart to but if it can't be reciprocated, then I'm just a fool chasing Dead Stars. I can never truly love someone who can't love me back -- that's just pain waiting to happen.

I used to believe it was okay but that only led to me getting hurt. You hear me? IT HURTS and I will no longer hide behind the notion that I should do what I can for who I love, they ought to do the same to be worthy of it. That's how it is, isn't it? If love is one-sided, then it isn't love at all. How can I ever love someone like that? That's what keeps me from giving up everything for anyone because I know, no one like that exists in my life so far.

So no, it doesn't do me any better because I can't feel love yet. I have yet to feel the warmth and happiness it promises. Indeed, all I'm receiving is shock therapy -- try to love or go back to being angry. That's the deal. Even if I say I love someone... doesn't mean I get love in return -- it's just something you can look forward to, like a light at the end of a tunnel.

Marty: "I know that I can never be that person and that's what hurts the most"