The Lonely Road

The name's Marty

age: 20
sign: Libra
hobbies: writing, reading, games

Quotes of my life:

1. I spent half my life betraying a friend or an ideal I believed in,
The other half is spent trying to find the strength to say "I'm sorry" -Nighthawk

2. Nothing should be able to do that, especially not love -Rose Walker

3. By the power of truth, I, while living, have conquered the universe -V

4. When you're on you're knees you're closer to the ground -Tori Amos

5. Why must the grieving be so short and this life so long? -Silver Surfer

6. You should never forget that people do care -Richmond

7. Love was never meant to be such a crazy affair, and who has time for tears? -Akira Yamaoka

8. Friend, at your service! -Berk

9. Happy is me cuz only u make urself miserable -Myles

10. Safe to say, everyone believes in your willpower -Glenn

11. On the road to redemption, just because we are told not to forget
doesn't mean we have to go through things alone -original

12. One true friend is better than a dozen liars -confessional

13. Just live life -James

14. I'd rather be the moon to shine your darkest night -Sophia

15. Life is a circumstance -original

16. Better to live in solitude than feel alone amongst a crowd -Faye

17. That's why ice cream stores don't only sell Chocolate and Vanilla,
Once in a while, someone comes in and orders Butter Pecan -Ralph Digby

18. And so, I'll follow you through the darkness of this world, no matter the pain,
Because I know that you'll be there to light my way -God Knows

19. Sometimes, people build walls around them to have people knock them down -???

20. Now, you listen to me, James Hawkins. You got the makings of greatness in you, but you got to take the helm and chart your own course. Stick to it, no matter the squalls! And when the time comes you get the chance to really test the cut of your sails, and show what you're made of! Well, I hope I'm there, catching some of the light coming off you that day. -John Silver

Still some more to be found...

Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Brief Lives

I certainly know a lot of things I don't know about and I certainly don't know a lot of thing I know about as well.

Example:

I know how a day is 24 hours yet it doesn't seem like a day would have passed by if you counted all 24 hours in it -- actually, you'd have a headache from the lack of sleep and you'd be hungry cuz by the late hours, you'd have digested everything you've had in the day. A day is from sunrise to sunset but if you watch the sky from sunrise to sunset, you don't say a day has went by (some people might) but most of the time, you never call it a day until you fall asleep.

On the other hand, I don't know anything about change, being unpredictable and all -- but I do know change will always happen and is constantly happening. I know it's something I can't escape from and I know it far too intimately to discard it. I know change because for my whole life, it has always been there. I know it, like I know I have a shadow -- it's always at the back of your mind.

I bring these to mind because I stumbled into something as I was looking for something to read. In one of my comic books, I had written a note to myself telling me about who I am. Strange? That's exactly what I thought when I found it. It didn't take more than a few sentences and it wasn't really fancy with words -- it was blunt, straightforward and concise, it went straight to the point -- THIS is who I am.

I tried to remember the time I wrote this and I traced it back to going to that Neil Gaiman seminar in the Music Museum. I was kind of bummed for not having to ask my question to the man himself yet this was probably the one time I felt most alive. I felt alive because I knew that that was who I am -- that I loved writing and stories for than anything in the world. I never wanted to forget that tingling feeling of opening a new book or comic, neither the consuming passion whenever my fingers get typing. I wanted to preserve it, keep it locked up inside me so I will never have to doubt myself ever again. And I did, in a way, in that note I wrote to myself.

It said never to forget who I am at that moment and to keep living for the sake of that moment. No person was the cause of that, certainly no friend, loved one or relative was involved in this -- it was all for me. It didn't matter if I felt alone, I knew that I had something to live for despite my loneliness -- I never wanted to forget that. I do not need anyone to keep living because I know who I am.

Who I am is something I know and don't know at the same time but it doesn't matter because the fact of the matter is, all in all, it doesn't matter to anyone. Who in the world cares who the damn you are? People would only relate to you if they see you as something you are (or aren't). Who you are, matters only to you -- ONLY you. Knowing this makes me strong; it makes for the cold calculations I take in every aspect of my life. I am not lost anymore, I am found. I do not need to feel the need to be sad or angry anymore -- it's pointless and I'm tired. The people that hurt me can get bent.

Life is too short; Life is too brief.

It shouldn't be this hard... no, not anymore.

Riding the Lightning
1:27 AM

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Monday, November 12, 2007
i hope i never have to live a life again.

anger is something i have accustomed myself with. i haven't been happy in a long time partly because i feel a lot of rage and anger build up inside me, making it impossible for me to believe in anything that might relieve me of it. happiness is but an ideal ive given up on... with finality.

i hope never to be happy again.

life can take it's best shots at me and il take em. yeah, il take em because that's the only way. there is no gold at the end of the rainbow neither a cloud with a silver lining. I do not want to believe in that anymore... it's misleading and stupid just like me and everyone else. it's all stupid, i hate it. i hate having to live a life of disappointments. i have more time asking myself why i was born in the first place... born to a place where all i get is hurt. i hereby make no reference to anything ive learned from teachers, professors or friends -- ive known this for a long time; life is full of pain.

i feel so much pain right now... because of a lot of things and it feels like i have no one to turn to anymore. i feel lonely yet it's a loneliness that doesn't feel right anymore -- it's an agonizing feeling of being abandoned, thrown away and ultimately, defeated. I feel defeated even before i get started in this world, what happens when i really do step into the real world then? being angry at the world is childish and being angry at myself just makes it worse... so what have i left to do... but to embrace my despair with arms wide open, crying all the while because i couldn't do a damn thing to stop it.

accept it.

it stabs at me every time i wake up and it hurts every time i go to sleep. what relief do i have of the constant pain in my chest? im slowly drowning in a vast empty ocean where no one can hear you scream. i dont even know why i bother to try to be happy, il just accept it and maybe i can stop getting hurt. you can't hurt a broken person. you can't break a broken heart anymore. it won't hurt if you have no where left to stab me.

it won't matter if i don't matter.

that i guess is the end of this pathetic sentence. just grow up, get a life and try to die with whatever dignity you have left. you have no one to blame but yourself and by your hands, you shape your life into what you want it to be while hopeful to most, it's a painful and defeating mantra for those who have accepted their hapless fates.

i hope i never have to live a life again.

Riding the Lightning
9:41 PM

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