It has been a good run, my friends but I think I've finally reached the end of the road. No, this is not another dramatic metaphor for my despair or whatever -- no, I mean to say that this is the last entry I'm going to make for this blog. I'm saying goodbye to My Lonely Road.

It has been a good 4 years running this thing yet I'm sad to say that I haven't been faithful to this place for the past year -- things happen and writing about my feelings so publicly just... didn't have a place here anymore. This place reminded me of so many painful and bitter memories and though I thought these were the things that I should hold on to, they tore me apart instead. It took a lot of things to snap me out of it but I guess that one night in Kublai's just made everything crystal clear. The proverbial slap to the face as Migs put it.

If we look at it simply, I made this place because I didn't want to forget anything. It was during one conversation over the phone with Sophia that I was inclined to do so -- life was one big drama and it was worth keeping track of... and so I did. I made this blog out of spite. Such strong feelings of guilt, regret and anger gave birth to http://spectralkid.blogspot.com and what I wrote showed it. This was all gearing towards a grand culmination of something I was looking for to make it all better -- some sort of relief from all the pain endured.

For 4 years, that was what it was all about. Through all the faces this place took, the words and feelings behind them were the same. Hatred towards this one person... regret over this event... the futility of letting go of my past because I was afraid to face the present -- those things. It was a high I couldn't feel anywhere else yet as I discovered something... and met new friends... the world didn't seem so lonely anymore and as soon as I realized that, I couldn't write anymore because believe it or not, it just didn't hurt anymore.

My bitterness consumed me until there wasn't anything left to consume. I just couldn't be angry anymore because I grew tired of it, things had to change so I'm starting with closing this place down. I can't live in anger -- because I cannot hate the people whom I should love. I think I really loved her... so I have to inevitably let her go... and to let her go means to move on.

With the start of the new year and spending time with my family, I realized that I wasn't alone in the world. There are people who look up to me and WILL look up to me one day -- my cousin has kids now and I met them for the first time yesterday. I'm practically an uncle! So I do not want my nephews or nieces to think that the world is a harsh place all the time.

No, that wouldn't be fair.

I want them to see the world as I saw it once when everything was right and WILL be right. They will not hear me bitch about regrets and vindiction... I will not be the one responsible for that but in case they ever have to face the cruelties of this life... well, they know who they can come to. They have this place to console them and possibly scare them out of it haha.

We will always have our problems and our past to haunt us... but then again, we shouldn't hold on to it longer than it should else it becomes a monster that eats everything we are and who we can be. It almost cost me everything I worked hard to become, especially to the people who I care for. So this is it, I'm afraid -- the end of the line.

My one regret is perhaps never being able to say that everything is cool between me and Joey. I have been angry for the longest time with her for the wrong reasons and I'm sorry, I really am. I just really hated getting hurt that much... no one should have the ability to do that, no one. But in the end, when you really love someone, you give them that power over you and I did, a long time ago. So let me say this, the best way I know how.

Joey, I'm sorry for whatever it is I did that made things go wrong. We used to be friends and what I felt from being friends with you just made the world a little bit better somehow, maybe that's why I fell in love with you and if that's a crime, I'm sorry. All I really wanted was to have someone to see that I was worth something and I saw that in you -- you, among everyone else I have met. But I could never understand why you chose to turn away. Maybe it was better for you, but it just destroyed me. We just couldn't be that close anymore and now that I look back to it, 4 or 5 years have passed since... I hardly know you anymore and I'm sure you hardly know me. I lost a friend that day and I never let myself forget it... because how can I forget about you, really? You were my dearest friend and I would have done anything to stay friends... even if it meant not being there for you anymore...