Monday, November 15, 2004
Shattered Pieces
What drives you?
Is it passion? Friendship? Ambition? Dreams?
...
Love?
What is it? Is it really an emotion or a passing feeling? Or maybe it really is a certain power... I've been one of those people driven by such passion and as I look back on it, I find myself ridiculous and rash. I let my heart do my talking as I always do. Following passions and dreams have always been my perrogative as a human being. Nothing was stronger. Yet Love drives you differently, if indeed I was truly... in love once.
It is a whirlpool of mixed emotions. On one hand, you feel light as air and senses are heightened to a degree of irrefutable bliss. It causes you to lose focus yet at the same time, you see things so clearly like it's a whole new sense, apart from the physical consciousness.
On the other hand, there's that perpetual wrenching in your stomach. That anxiety that keeps you awake at night and the ever-present thought of your other every minute of every day. Furthermore, it hurts; more than any pain you might endure because there is no cure for it. Once you're marked, it's often hard to let it go. Like a drug.
I'm sorry, the emotion has lost me over the time and I have forgotten the sensations...
But... I have what's left of me now right? and the pieces can still tell a story somehow. Indeed, it makes you stronger than you could ever imagine you to be and you can find a deep inner power that somehow pushed you to do more, an inner strength so overpowering than any kind of steroids. I felt that drive and I never wanted to let it go because for once, it made me feel that I am living my life for somethng important. Meaning.
However, life's not always filled with happy endings. I know, for one, that love is never always a mutual feeling even though some would contradict me. But what do they know? Tell me if at one time you fell in love and they never loved you back. If you haven't then I'm afraid I have no ear to share to you. No heart to feel for you. Because you have never had to say you love someone and never had it say it back. And never had a chance to feel your heart break so horribly. It's a hurt so uncontrollable yet it chains itself to you, like an ugly scar forever embedded.
The worse thing is, is what it leaves you. It leaves an all new meaning to the word, sadness. You end up hating yourself because of the mistakes and finding yourself so stupid to think that something may actually happen to your pathetic dream. It shatters things you never thought you'd have and it seems that you never find the right pieces anymore. So what do I do about it?
Easy.
You take the pieces and put them in a little box and forget about it. Move on and never look back. If ever someone would spark such a feeling once again and you find yourself in the same spin cycle, I advise you look at your shattered pieces and hope to find a clear reflection; a reflection of a feeling so wonderful yet so devious; of an experience so wondrous yet so tasking; of a person you were so in love with yet never felt the same way. I still keep my pieces and some days, I often want to piece them together again yet I just remember that something broken will never be as good as it was before. And believe me, my pieces are far too few to remember what it originally was.
"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it oepns up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love. "
-Rose Walker to Desire (Sandman: The Kindly Ones)
Riding the Lightning
6:57 PM
