Monday, November 29, 2004
Stupid Things
The weekend has been crazy, I'll tell you that
It has been days since I've written but that's only because I have been busy with all sorts of things and feeling kinda down every now and then. Amazingly, no one even noticed but that's just me. I'm used to being alone.
So I haven't written on Dream Machine in a while. Video games and TV seems to be the routine and honestly, it makes thinking a lot harder. Furthermore, I find it harder and harder to think of the stuff to make the story pour through. So maybe I'll take a break for a while, after all, I can't write if I have no fuel right?
But you know, I find it easier to write in extreme depression or at least, when you get that feeling where it seems your guts are falling off and your just trying to hold it in. I mean, I'm not in trouble, I don't cry out suddenly or on the brink of a breakdown --no-- I'm just shutting everything off. Like how you try to shut everything out when you're really not in the mood to entertain anyone. Not really apathy but something like that.
Hard to say what's going on. Maybe just confused in some ways. Too much thinking will do me in one day, I know. I worry about the people around me sometimes. Yet, this time, I've never been more scared in my life.
All my life, some awful things always happen to my family. When we look back at them, we just laugh at it or at least respect the experience has something to be reckoned. There were times when one of us would be hospitalized in a 50-50 situation and to be honest, I think we all have been there on the edge of death, one time or another. But that's the thing, it has always been one of us. One would be in trouble and the others would pull him/her along. I never thought I'd have a dilemma like this...
My dad was brought to the hospital a few days ago and was diagnosed with very high blood pressure. Enough for a stroke to kill him, he told me. It seemed unreal yet he was after all, diagnosed with such time in and time out but I would not have expected to hear it straight from himself. My dad has always been a strong man, a real luchadore lifestyle dude. He'd never seem to understand what I did with books, writing or computer games but instead he'd do the typical manly things; taking interest in cars, electronics and action flicks seem to be his favorite thing. We never seem to see eye to eye but at least we respect each other. So hearing him admit weakness and even the possibility, God forbid, of ... (i shudder at the thought) seems to unreal. I can't admit it yet I can't ignore it.
But that's not the only thing...
It's seems my brother has been growing up yet his attitude hasn't. I mean, my brother and mother got into a fight over the computer while I was asleep. Apparently, my brother decided to have a fit when my mother had wanted to use the computer for a moment. So what happened now? My mother went into depression, awful ain't it?
Have you seen anyone really depressed? I mean, chronically depressed? It's not nice. It's as if their very lives have escaped them. Like I didn't know my mom anymore. My mother is a very wholesome person overall so seeing her like this, really worried me.
It was a very dismal scene when I went downstairs. My mother had her eyes closed on the recliner and her hand was holding my dad's closely as my father's head slumped down on the headrest. I have never seen them so...powerless. Now, my mother can't sleep right at night.
I feel like everything is falling apart. I'm on the verge on tears right now. My brother can't comprehend what's happening and we still get into fights. I don't get it. He wants to play his computer games to play with complete strangers who he considers as friends in which case, he exchanges for family. I can't believe him. My mom asks if she could use the computer but my brother doesnt let her, why?! so he can play with some guild member friends from who know's where, full of who-knows-who's in a computer game. Furthermore, he throws a fit whenever that opportunity is denied him. The numbskull, the idiot, the bastard, the lout. ASSHOLE. Growing up, my ass.
So what can I do now? Both my parents are having problems I can't possibly deal with and my brother isn't helping at all but instead, making it worse. School's being such an ass and business hasn't been picking up from what I heard.
My room is lonely now. No one is here. My parents are downstairs, I don't know what's happening; my brother is up on the rooftop in the middle of this storm, moping about how I am writing this very moment and not getting his way. I'm alone up here, all I hear now is the rain beating and the electric fan humming and the quiet melodies of rock n roll over winamp. I've never-- never -- felt more alone.
Riding the Lightning
7:14 PM
