Saturday, December 04, 2004
Simulated Life
I don't think I'm okay.
I feel kept down somehow. Unexplainable. Side effects of thinking too much perhaps. I mean, I just keep everything to myself really cuz well... that's always been me, ya know. It might seem that I'm always surrounded by friends and such but really, it's a lonely life. I wander alone most of the time, taking time in video games or conversations just to divert myself. In a way, I feel my life has become a simulation.
I prefer not to live life as real as other people do. Trust me, it's a strange feeling when it seems like everything isn't even real. It's like, you aren't really there but you are; like an observer or a non-person --yeah, that's the word-- non-person. In many ways, I have developed this person into a real entity, so much so that I have grown attached to him, and admitted him to being a part of well... who I am.
Emotions kill me. I look at people around me and see how raw they really are. Call me a bitter person but I hate seeing PDAs. Selfish in a way cuz that kind of love, I see bleakly in myself. It's a pathetic reaction but I just shut it off like I don't care but I do, more than anything in the world. We all seek it somehow since we are, after all, human. So if we all seek it, then I guess I'm only human. I'm no superman but I do have my kryptonite once in a while. Just that, I try not to feel too much, especially not love.
It's easy really, a little TV, video games, laughs and stupid things, but it tends to cut you off also from being human, hence the simulated life.
Slowly though, I did learn how to feel for someone again. It's a small flickering flame but it's there nonetheless. I never thought I'd have anything left after Joanna but I guess time heals after all. It may be small and insignificant but it's sacred for me at least. Others seem to take things like these for granted and pity those people... they'll never know what they lost until they lose it. I can't be so forward about it, that would be wrong but I appreciate it really, it feels...nice. And I'm happy whenever I feel that feeling, not the superficial temporary happiness out of a victorious game but a soul cry of joy that lifts you high and makes you forget there was any hint of sadness present in your life. Hahaha, I missed this feeling. Maybe in time, I'll get it all back together again and start being real again. Hope she knows it too
Riding the Lightning
8:25 PM
