Wednesday, December 15, 2004
Trances
Every tuesday and thursday, I get off my PE classes and head off to the cathouse to wait for the car to pick me up. At often times, I am alone --well-- I'm alone always there as I waited. I take this time to just think and empty my head of things I'd rather not think about. I admit, I overlook this simple exercise since way back then when I took the occassional round around the Xavier School campus.
I call it that "time". The time when I just stop and go blank. My PE class teacher said that we should always have enough time for our souls to catch up to our bodies and true, I might say because let's face it, we're often too busy and too preoccupied to know ourselves anymore. I loved those walks. Where the sun has just begun to set over the trees as the roads are quiet and the first of the night's wind begins to whisper, telling me to quiet down. Soothing really, I spend my thinking that way mostly. Back then, James and I would sit idly over the bench just to watch it all quiet down, in which case, we both just shut up and looked at it. It is weird but I do somehow feel silenced, as if I couldn't utter a word at all.
When I think about it, I spend about an hour or so just sitting there in my usual pose and stare into the sky. I go blank, really, unable to distinguish whether I was indeed, still waiting. I do not know what to call that feeling but it's like being in a trance hence that's what I'll call it, a trance. My saying in writing goes, "In extreme inspiration or extreme depression" yet I found out in this trance that I also had an urge to right whilst in it. Call it weird but the urge to write is stronger when I'm in this trance yet I do not feel anything at all, in it. It numbs me, that's the word and maybe that's when I think best, when I shut down.
It's this time that I know better about myself, sort of like self-meditation haha, I don't know. I swear, Pier was right, I am weird. I guess maybe just because no one can relate to me anymore hence my own battles are fought by me alone. Can you be alone even in the company of friends who love you? Yes, of course. Been there for 3 to 5 years. I guess being jaded takes a lot out of you.
Boy, I ramble too much, I can't believe how much bullshit you people are willing to read hahaha.
Riding the Lightning
10:03 PM
