Tuesday, December 14, 2004
Variety Show Part 1
The Variety Show part 1
"It's a dual experience, at the same time of night, at the same event, with the same person yet it ended in very different ways..."
The Xavier School variety show is the core of my most memorable experiences. I remember, I spent the whole night until 3 am just to make our horror booth work and how we all ate pizza under the stars of the quadrangle over a job well done. Yet the 3rd year variety show was different, maybe perhaps, that was when I have first met her.
I remember that day clearly, yet vaguely as I try to forget, it was the first time I would meet her, a set-up sort of thing and reluctant as I was, we did have a connection. You see, it was prom week and well, my friends wanted me to go and so, set me up. Honestly, I did want to go yet didn't have enough nerve to ask anyone out. This girl, they say, had things in common with me and we did actually, in a weird sense, we were the same yet I didn't know how truly different we were, an aspect that led to my utter disappointment. We had talked over the phone for some time then arranged to meet during the variety show. A date you say? Maybe. I wouldn't know. This is clearly, not my subject. I leave dating and girls to those who have the guts to do it. I don't I admit, I'm often misunderstood.
So it came that we did meet. We decided to walk throughout the fair and got to know a lot about each other, it was great, I remember that feeling. It's like I found someone I could finally relate to. Someone who could have known who I truly was instead of shallow smiles and plastic masks. Was I a fool to believe this? Of course. I trust people too much, I'm too nice. Anyways, that was when. The night ended in the Variety show, a concert put together by the school.
I loved the Varie, rock bands? food? people? My kinda gig. Since we both had a mutual love for rock, of course, we clicked and since we had mutual hate for senti, of course, we clicked even more. The feeling then, as I remember now, was a complete blur of happiness. May because I was starting to like this girl on the first date? Isn't that stupid? to think that there was something already sparking with people who had just met? It wasn't so stupid back then, when she put her head on my shoulders, I wouldn't have known, when I first looked into eyes not so different from mine, I wouldn't have guessed. That she would be the one to break me.
I didn't know what happened to me back then since I am different from what I was before. I remember that I had indeed loved her. Every thought was occupied with being with her and every so often, I find myself contacting her without even thinking about it. Always making excuses just to hear her talk or making something completely dumb just to have her say something. All in fact, we became best friends. We shared so much and we had this mutual understanding that we would help each other out. In time, I grew to like her in every way. To finally feel that there is someone who understands and smile about it. All of which drove me to my infatuation. I guess I'm too caught up in my own romances to see what it really was. It wasn't an open door --no-- it was just a door with one those locks that let you in to see but not really let you in.
All of which came crashing down one day, in such stupid context which still boggles my mind today. I had told, apparently slightly, that my feelings were growing for her and she took it rather... reluctantly. What came next was that distance. The way you want to avoid someone by ignoring you. We didn't actually sit down and talk it over easily. It all happened suddenly, like a stab on the chest. When we did actually talk about this, that was the last time I would see her until the year after (to my misfortune). It ended with, "I think we better not see each other anymore" and at that point, I didn't know what was going on. But now I do. I was a fool.
Amazing you know? The way girls can totally dismiss the thought of someone having a crush on them while they actually do, and at the same time, think that someone has a crush on them but they actually don't. In my case, I had a crush, she knew, and that was when it fell apart. No idea, it perplexes me. Like I said, not my subject. If someone wrote a book about it, it's probably in my trash.
Was it so wrong to tell her? Would things have been different? Would I be writing about this right now, having the sudden urge to write it down? I learned something that day. There are people who would fool you and it is often bitter to taste that feeling. I would never, in my fondest dreams, think it would end the way it did. It totally destroyed my whole concept of friendship because I knew, some things just can't be fixed anymore. Try as I wanted to, it's never the same anymore but remember back then, I didn't know, only now I know. I hated that part of me, the happy never-knew me, he was a fool and he was played upon, he broke himself and I'm what's left of the pieces.
to be continued in Variety Show part 2...
Riding the Lightning
11:39 PM
