Wednesday, March 23, 2005
Isolation
I am alone today at my home. The stillness is overwhelming as the setting sun begins to drop quietly over the horizon of buildings just outside my window. If there was a God, I'd have believed that he was present there, since the scene was so beautiful only God would have the heart to have made it. But the setting sun only reminded me of things that I usually try to deny myself of. Things such as warmth and sentiments, things that make me confused and hurt me like so many knives. The red sun only showed how things have changed in my horizon, as it sets, I reconcile with myself with the fact that tomorrow will be another day and tomorrow will just bring me closer to the truth.
I have longed to love once again for a supposed someone but every tomorrow just erases the fantasy for I have lived long enough in my own world and romances and often, tomorrow's reality comes like a glass splinter embedded on my side. I feel like I am standing in front of a mirror just as it shatters to millions of pieces, tomorrow comes a splinter at a time, hurting, leaving wounds, waking me from my dream. Was it so wrong to dream of happiness? To wake myself everday, to realize that the happiness I dreamt of was nothing. It hurts, like so many broken hearts.
How come I still have this romance when I know nothing will ever bear fruit in such an endeavor? Why am I always the fool to believe in love... when I openly scorn the fact that such a thing exists. There should never be an emotion that can do such things, never. Something so powerful, it can destroy dreams and leave scars that can never be healed. You wake alone and cold, not feeling anything, not even in your heart and everyday, the warmth fades a little more. I don't know anymore, maybe I am alone, maybe there was never a person for me but why do I even ask. I have always been alone. Why deny it? why deny reality when everytime you dream, you know that you will hurt? I want the hurting to stop, I want it to end but no, something inside me keeps the fire still burning. If there was a God who could create great sunsets, I pray to Him now, that I stop the feeling because it hurts too much, it has left so many scars and so many bitter memories that I have forgotten the fact that I have much to live for.
I've had enough of encouragements. People never seem to know what they're talking about and yet, they want to say that "things will be okay" when they really aren't. So you keep living and dreaming of happily ever after but that's a joke just like you, mine and everyone else's sorry-excuse-of-an-existence. Point is, you are born alone and you will die alone; Life and Death. What makes life so great for people anyways? the right circumstances. Ignorance is bliss, I wish I had never loved, I wish that I have never felt so much for one person that I would give everything to see her smile -to see that I am worth something- but no, these things did happen and every tomorrow after that just says the same thing "You were a fool. You were never of any significance to anyone." And I hide from this voice, along corridors of fake smiles and happy expressions. This is not the truth I want to face. This is not the facts I want to accept. But this is was reality, and how much more can I escape it, when tomorrow brings the knowledge that I am still alone and I still hear the voice.
No one hears me. No one ever does.
Riding the Lightning
8:22 PM
