Monday, April 04, 2005
Appetizers and Stomaches
Came back from DOTA with Myles and Glenn. Boy it's been long since I went out with these people. How long has it been since we all met and played a game... pretty long actually but you know, we kept talking about barkadas and stuff and how far down the road it has been. Honestly, these guys I can't live without, even if we do not agree with each other most of the time and we often get peeved by each other's shortcomings, it feels right being with them. I don't get it, we do not agree with each other but we enjoy the times we spend together; good times or bad, it's all the same I guess... Friends like that are hard to let go.
But what's interesting to note is that Myles and I had a talk about how sucky our families can be. Being Chinese definitely has its downsides and while most of you can't relate (being non-chinese), I guess deep down, we all rebel against our parents. In any case, me and Myles are actually the same in that manner, even if we do have our differences, we both relate when it comes to how pissed off we can be about them.
We feel that heavy weight of parental criticisms that feels like drills into your teeth. That feeling of not being served justice when we make a valid point. Like why the hell can't I wear black or why can't I shave my head bald. I happen to like black a lot and shaving my head ain't so much as a statement like getting a tatoo. I know my boundaries and I'm careful not to cross them so what gives? Well being in a "traditional" Chinese family, I guess it all comes down to filial piety which basically says, "Your parents are always right"
Crap
It's a foolish logic to believe your parents are impregnable fortresses of perfected knowledge. But really, what self-respecting (Chinese) parent would openly admit to his family that he/she made a mistake? Maybe they think being always correct makes them powerful in the family but really, it just pisses everyone off. Since I'm the Ahya (Eldest Brother) I am SUPPOSED to share the burden of the family, tch, are we children forever cursed to carry the family honor/bullshit? I don't know anymore. My whole family sees me as one of the best kids out there but I'm always branded as someone different. I guess most of you don't know the feeling of being a ghost or a black sheep but for me, it is evident because I do not really conform to the traditional Chinese stuff. I find most of the traditions very racist and somewhat pointless.
Well as Myles said, we will always have problematic parents cuz we are Chinese. Some rules about a Chinese household have already been so outdated that they can't seem to bend to more liberal thoughts of today's time so do I wonder why children from traditional Chinese families today spite against parents? Not really, I just think we have a very stubborn culture, just as stubborn as the parents who enforce it.
What is funny though is that when face to face with a conversation, the kid always takes the liberal side and completely silences (the parent's) more conventional reasoning but hey, here comes filial piety again, and parents call such backtalk spite and punishes you for talking back when all you really want to do is give your own opinion and possibly have a little bit of dignity in doing so. So maybe I am not really the only one facing such a problem but more over, I share the same problem with everyone else with parents that are just as stubborn.
I don't care what people say, I suck at being Chinese. I can't speak the language and traditions don't have meaning for me. I wonder what I really am sometimes and that's where I become lost most of the time. I wonder if you have ever felt lost as I do. I don't feel like I belong anywhere really except with the sanctity of people who suffer as I do and even then, I might not find home. What is home really? Most would say it's a given, something you start with. Others would say it is found, at the end of a journey. For me, it might have to be found but I doubt it, some people are just born to wander and strike up luckily to see that they've arrived at where they wanted. On the other hand, there are those who stay lost in the dark.
Something to think about
Riding the Lightning
10:26 PM
