Sunday, May 08, 2005
Hear My Cry
Let me, for once, tell you a story straight off my life. No lies or metaphors.
Last friday was a day I will remember. It was the day, after a long time, that I cried. I have fought so hard to fight everything life, God or fate threw at me but apparently leaving outside isn't enough. I lessened my talking with my other family members. I don't talk with them as much and it is only at dinner that we see each other, even then, it is rare for us to get together.
Friday though, I came home after dropping Stanley off at Gilmore and you know what my father said right when I came through the door? "Mali-mali nanaman parking mo" Jesus, not even a hi. I said I'm sorry for the Nth time and wanted to get away but my dad followed up with something about me never getting it right. Right then and there, I slipped up. I said, "Eh di wag" in a disrespectful tone and my dad flared. He called me down and asked again what I just said and I told him, and he just became angrier. I said sorry but he wouldn't let it go, he was berating me with put-downs and insults and he wouldn't let me get the last word. he would never allow that. Not him.
I went upstairs and took my clothes for the night. It was 6:00. I passed my parent's room where I saw my mom. I didn't talk, I just went straight for the bathroom. I turned on the water hard, the cold water splashing my face, arms, legs, body, everything but my heart and right then, I finally broke down. The first tears came unexpectedly. I thought it was the water running from the shower but my face started to ache from the gush of tears and before I noticed, my fists were clenched and quivering and I could hear my whimpers echoing. My hands pounded on ceramic tiles as I wept bitterly after so many days, weeks and months of silence.
I cursed how I hated the people I loved. I cursed the way my life has turned into nothing but a joke. I cursed my loneliness. I have wanted someone to love, at least and hope that they may share my sorrows... but even friends could not hope to save me. They see me in school, smiling and in chat or in writing otherwise. No one has seen my true face, no one will ever. I cried that day, not for guilt or sadness but out of despair; the despair I tried to avoid by staying silent. I have no place to seek comfort, not even to friends or family. I am wandering alone in an aimless road where everyday, hope seems to evaporate and rain on me as despair's black teardrops.
But I am not yet through.
Today is mother's day and for once, I was showing some heart. I helped my brother make a mother's day card which in turn made my mother very happy. I thought it would be a good day, a little day of peace after the disaster on friday but I was wrong.
During the afternoon, Berk told me JM was never coming back. He cut himself off from everyone in the Philippines. He will not visit in the summer nor any day for that matter. People have wasted his time and didn't care about him, so he upped and left. How easy it would be if I just gave up also....
Later on, Stanley asked me how I was. I was pissed at the moment but nevertheless, I talked with gracious respect since he was just looking out for me. I didn't like talking about my problems and we debated about it a bit. He told me, listening may be enough to help but I beg to differ, you can listen all you want but nothing's going to change. He told me, I was not alone; that there is a populace of depressed people as I am but I beg to differ, "everyone suffers but everyone in their own little cubicles" He then told me that I am somewhat admirable for not letting anyone suffer as I do. But really, why bring others into my mess?
tmat_02 (4:58:56 PM): who, pray tell, who can set me straight
tmat_02 (4:59:06 PM): who can make me happy, really?
tmat_02 (4:59:11 PM): who can make everything OKAY
tmat_02 (4:59:28 PM): the only person who can do that is me
tmat_02 (4:59:32 PM): me or God
tmat_02 (4:59:45 PM): and im no closer to having everything fixed
tmat_02 (4:59:54 PM): and it's better if i don't drag anyone else with me
stanman_2k4 (5:00:14 PM): actually that's a good thing
stanman_2k4 (5:00:20 PM): a little bit close to martyrdom
stanman_2k4 (5:00:23 PM): only without the heroism
stanman_2k4 (5:00:39 PM): it's cool nga eh
stanman_2k4 (5:00:46 PM): you care for people even if you do'nt show it
stanman_2k4 (5:00:58 PM): that's something i dnt feel every once in a while
tmat_02 (5:01:01 PM): i call it the Good Guy Syndrome
tmat_02 (5:01:14 PM): I can't help but be alone
tmat_02 (5:01:26 PM): if someone has problems, il listen, heck, il even give advice
tmat_02 (5:01:45 PM): but when it's my problem, it's mine, i will not allow anyone else to help me
tmat_02 (5:01:56 PM): and sometimes i hate it
tmat_02 (5:02:01 PM): hate being the good guy
tmat_02 (5:02:07 PM): but i can't help it
stanman_2k4 (5:02:12 PM): have you ever tried letting someone help with your problems before?'
tmat_02 (5:02:16 PM): no
tmat_02 (5:02:24 PM): no one understands
tmat_02 (5:02:50 PM): and that's the thing, you never meddle in something u don't understand
That happened. I left. My family was planning to go to grandma's for dinner out with my cousin.
I waited at my cousin's room until they'd call us down for dinner. I thought it was going to be okay but when my parents came down, I was shocked. My dad said we weren't going out anymore and he was really pissed.
In the car, my dad was driving home. My mother was angry. My dad was angry. They started shouting at each other. I couldn't hear the reason why but it was pointless, they were fighting. My father was cursing at my mother and my mother was telling my dad that he was stubborn. They didn't stop at all on the drive home. All I heard were shouts and screams from the two people who I loved dearly. My mother then pleaded with my father to bring us somewhere to eat and get it over with but my dad didn't budge. My mother said it was rare for us to be together as family but my dad just cursed at her and continued driving. I saw them then and I was disgusted. I kept looking out the windows, wishing I was out of the car, wishing that I had never even set foot in it. I wanted to scream at both of them for being who they were but I didn't, I would mean nothing and I would probably just make things worse.
My dad and his pride... I don't know anymore... My mother wants to leave and maybe when she does, I'll go with her but what will that do? I've made walls around me to protect me but they batter them like sledgehammers forcing me to cover my ears. They're shouting, always shouting then comes the silence, that awful silence once again. It's a storm in here and I can't ride the lightning any longer. Mother's day is nothing to my father. Everything revolves around his pride. His pride as a father, his pride as my mother's husband, his pride, his goddamn pride.
Now, it's stopped for the while. My mother has locked herself in her room crying, not letting any of us in. My father watching TV downstairs, collecting his pride. My brother, probably scarred. Me, fighting back tears. No one will save me, no one will even give me the time. I am the afterthought, the ghost, the wanderer, the loner, the second opinion, the brother, the son, the dreamer and ultimately, I am Marty, the shadowkeeper... I chase ghosts and shadows, never real people because dealing with reality is too hard.
I think back when I was a child... when I was in my hospital bed... on the verge of death. How my family was waiting, praying for me to wake up and I did, I was given a second chance. I remember the bright light and the touch of warmth at the other end of the dark hallway and felt myself being pulled away into life... reality. I thought the light was me waking up to my family's embrace but I was wrong, dead wrong. The light was taken away from me.
Hear my cry, passerby, friend or comrade. Hear the cry I have held back for so long.
Riding the Lightning
7:37 PM
