Sunday, June 05, 2005
I Want To Get There
I apologize for not writing as of late. There have been many things bubbling silently under the surface. They don't however come up like wildfire, but instead, little sparks inching itself slowly into a slow flame. But I would like to share some things.
One day, my mom asked me to fetch her from her gym. Naturally, I agreed. I was going to pick up a cd from a friend later on though and my mom said that she would drive me there when I fetched her because let's face it, I'd get lost five minutes when I get to EDSA.
It was quiet in the car, you can cut the tension with a knife. My mom and I began to talk for a while about small things about school and my so-called ambitions. I trust my mom a lot, more than anyone else in the family. If I could open up, it would be with her but I wasn't that person anymore... so I stayed quiet most of the time. My mom talked to me to try to at least pick the lock that always seemed to shut my heart away from my family yet from what she says, she seemed to be at a loss. At some point, I felt awful for not being as warm to my family anymore yet in this limbo, at least I can get some peace.
She told me the usual things that picked at my conscience. She told me how my dad really cared for all of us. I believe her, really I do. No matter how much I resent his temper and pride, I know he is a good man. I never once said he hated me because that would be a lie. If I grew up, I would rather be my father than any other person in terms of being a father. He would work even if he's sick just to see things through, I respect that because I myself don't think I can do the things he does.
I could feel my parents are disappointed at times with me because I never see things through. I would go off in another hobby or dream yet never finish it and as I am disappointed in myself, they are too. Many times I think that they have lost hope in me even if I tried my best. I could see it in their eyes whenever I'm doing something. The eyes said "Not again" and it just agravates me to shut them out of my business. That perhaps is where the rift originated. It points to me and what I did.
Each day, I just want to hide. Hide away from this world and from everyone in it, if only to find a sanctuary. To bear with my guilt, my sins, myself for a time until I am reborn and be ready to walk again in my lonely stride. I might not be happy but I want to get there, I want to get there.
Riding the Lightning
8:44 PM
