Saturday, June 18, 2005
A Slow Culmination
I'm having that feeling again, that numbing feeling I get whenever I remember something painful.
This past week was the beginning of school and I don't know, I wasn't feeling up to waking up most of the time. I was more sarcastic than ever which meant something was up because let's just say my sarcasm is an early warning device for another melancholic episode.
One night though, something weird happened. I was lying on the bed and finding myself unable to sleep; just like many other nights when my mind isn't in the right place. I kept thinking about the past and more importantly, one important person in the past. My hands clasped together and I began to pray and it felt weird, I haven't prayed for a long time and mean it but for that night, I prayed genuinely. Honestly, I prayed for Joey out of most people. Even if I say that I've moved on, there is always that inkling, that hook, that keeps you connected to the past and as it tugs at your heart, it leaves a little scar. I always pray for her and even I don't know the reason, I just do. Maybe because there was a time when we were friends and for that time, I listened to problems, problems that I now understood in my own life and my own understanding. I thought I was living the "good" life and it was "perfect" but I learned it wasn't, I was ignorant just as I was ignorant of her most of the time. I think I began writing because of her, honestly. I wouldn't be who I am if I didn't meet such a wonderful person. And so, I always pray for her even if she doesn't hear my voice.
I also read some letters of mine from our DWTL and Senior's Retreat. I felt warm when I read those letters. We had this activity where you have 10 post-its and you put traits on it that you really admire in a person and you stick it on him. I remember the minute I got up, my friends stuck the post-its on me at the same time, I almost fell back down. Heck, if I was going to fall down, I was glad because it was out of something good. I got a lot of those post-its and even more, I felt that I was a true person to my friend's lives. They told me one thing, I was a true friend and I loved the feeling of them saying so. It makes me worth it.
There was also this activity with poker chips. You have this stack of poker chips each with a certain value which depicted your standing with friends. I remembered that I gave my highest chip (blue chips) to James and Gerome, for the lessons and adventures we shared. But the amazing thing was, I received the most blue chips out of everyone. I was rich! I had the most poker chips and they were already overflowing off my hand. It was weird...
Finally, there was this activity called 5-Man Jury. We get these self-assessment slips and pass it to five people who would be a judge of your character. There were two types of judging: Strengths and Weaknesses. Here were the results:
Positive Traits:
I rated myself with 43
Judges rated me with 44.4
Negative Traits:
I rated myself with 25
Judges rated me with 11.8
How far have I fallen? I don't know for sure. The better question is, have I fallen at all? Does a heartbreak mean that something "bad" has happened? Does me getting cold and bitter mean that I have done something wrong? I don't really think so. God has his way and I do not doubt that I went through these past experiences for nothing. For now though, I remember them and how I felt during those times. Even if things will never work out with Joey and I, I'll always pray for her because she made me who I am and I can't deny that I care. I will always keep my letters from the Retreat because my friends' feelings towards me are forever inscribed there and that gives me enough reason to believe I am worth it.
The smoke dissapates over gray skies
Riding the Lightning
7:56 AM
