Wednesday, July 06, 2005
The Hardest Lesson of All: The Cold Hard Truth
The Spectralkid isn't as great a title for me anymore... To tell the truth, I'm tired... tired of being who I am... of being the person depressed... being ever the dreamer... being the self-righteous know-it-all. I'm tired. I'm tired.
The story went this way. Today was a test in Electronics and even if I studied the whole day, my test was still half-baked. The frustration inside me swelled up to its most critical moment as I saw my life ahead... of failure... or disappointment and at that moment, I only thought of the one thing I swore never ever to do, and that was to quit. To quit Math and Electronics and everything attached to it and move on to a better passion more fit for me. This is my bubble.
My spirit was low as ever and I started to think why did I choose this course in the first place. Honestly, I was being self-righteous and thinking at the moment I chose it, "I'll do this so that my parents won't think of me as a failure later on. So that they can be proud of me in the long run" and this, gave me an excuse to give up. My excuse was that it was something I did out of someone else's expectation and that once I could justify it, I was rid of the responsibility but I was kidding myself. I am a kid, I know nothing. I live in an aquarium; happily fed, clothes on me, never had to taste the dirt; I knew nothing. For most of the time, I thought to myself that I had to do whatever the hell I wanted to do because deep in my heart that was what I wanted and just like any radical teenager with a dream, this became the bubble we live in but me, I am wrong, I know nothing about working for a living, for providing for a family, the hardships of everyday life. I knew nothing, I am a kid, one who lives in an aquarium under my parent's guidance.
I got home at 8pm today. Driving home alone gave me time to think a lot about what I really wanted and right then, when I look back at those 40 or so minutes, I was in that bubble of self-righteous thought. "I'll do whatever the hell I want because it's my life" I was thinking, justifying the reasons why I have begun to consider quitting my course, not knowing what consequences it will incur. I thought about it, I knew my parents would get mad but my justification will save me, it will rescue me from whatever they can dish out, it will keep me safe.
I am a kid, in an aquarium, I knew nothing.
My father is a man, in the truest sense of the word. Even if he and I do not get along as picture-perfect, I respect him for he is a person I want to become when I grew up and today, I learned a very hard lesson and it was about the truth about things. The talk was long and hard but it all began when I said that I was contemplating on quitting my course, what caught me off guard was that he already knew that I was thinking that. My bubble burst right after that.
(I will translate my dad's conversation with me to English from here on)
I made my case about how I wanted to shift and he just shook his head and asked me, "What then? What course will you shift to?" I shrugged, I wasn't so sure myself but deep down, I wanted to say a writer! but dad, dear old dad, knew it already. "You want to be a writer, don't you?" and I just said, "thinking about it" My dad shook his head again, "I'm not against that at all. You can do what you want, it's your life" he said, in a voice that seemed less encouraging than I had hoped.
"I just think it's a waste of time" he added. Of course, he wasn't dissing my liking to writing, he knows me all to well. "It's a waste of the time you already spent during your first year. You had problems during your first year and you passed. What's stopping you this year?" That hit the bullseye.
"You can only think about shifting to a course you want because of radical dreams but the truth of the matter is, you CAN finish this course, you're just making shifting an excuse to quit. You chose this course, take responsibility for it. Deep down, I think you really like ECE, it's just that your heart is telling you that you don't because you're dreaming about something else"
I replied, "I just don't want to finish a course I wouldn't end up doing for so long"
"And what do you think writing would get you? Especially, if you quit knowing fully well you can finish something you started. You've always been like this, Marty. You start something, your heart wanders off and you're off into another endeavor. You never finish anything."
THAT was the truth and I knew it. My dad then told me a variety of choices of what courses to choose if ever I failed and I still retained to the idea that I wanted to become a writer but hell, that bubble burst too.
"Why don't you become a businessman?"
"I have no interest in making a lot of money. I just want to write"
"Don't make me laugh. The cold truth, Marty, is that money is needed to get to anywhere. If you had no money, you wouldn't even begin to write. You would not have the resources to support your endeavors, your computer, your games, everything. You want to write? Who are you going to be writing for? For people with money. The poor won't need your books, they need the money for food. If you want to be a good person, if that's your goal in writing, it's better if you help with money. People cannot eat your books, you can only feed their minds and people think with their stomachs."
At that point, I knew I was beaten. The cold, hard truth was that everything is done out of necessity. It isn't necessary for me to become a writer or quit for that matter in this very moment because the truth is that, there is no room for dreamers in the real world. The real world is full of doers and don't-doers, dreamers are don't-doers. I never think things through and I live in a bubble where I am king, I feel so stupid. He was right, my dad was right.
"Look, Marty. When you're off in the world on your own, you will understand how reality works. The reality is, some dreams are not necessary. I myself wanted to be an architect but ended up taking commerce but looking back, I'm glad I stuck with it. My architect friends, even if they finished, are still the same, none richer or poorer. Us? We have a home, you're going to Ateneo, your stay is paid for. There is a huge difference in doing something and thinking of something, you are thinking of something but all I see in what you're doing is wasting your time. If you shift, that would be a wasted year of your life and all because you were thinking of something else while you could succeed in your already present course. ECE is a good course, I don't see why you should quit when you can still handle it. Your heart and mind are just daydreaming, Marty and it's not getting you anywhere. You're not getting any younger"
I am a kid in an aquarium. I knew nothing. I haven't changed. I've always been unable to stick to something I can really succeed in and it breaks my heart as well as my parents and I'm tired of it really. I hate quitting... I hate having to say I don't like this anymore. I don't want to be the person known for being a quitter and yet I admitted to it tonight and if not for my dad, I don't know what would happen. I dream and never act, I hate it. My heart and mind are not towards the future, it's toward myself in my own little bubble. I'm given the opportunity to shine but when I found it hard, I'd rather move on and try my luck there all the while, passing up on a great chance. ARGH, it has to stop.
The talk ended in the closest thing my dad would say as a compliment. He said, "You're just not used to low grades. Don't worry about it. All I want to see you do is pass. I want you to finish what you started. That's enough for me." at that moment, it hit me like a freight train, the truth; the cold hard truth. I was doing things for other people and I used that as justifications to quit. My true self is hidden amidst so many expectations each with a ready excuse saying "This is what I want" to quit, not knowing that what I wanted as not there anymore because the expectations had made itself the core of what motivates me. I had no more core because I kept making excuses that were as solid as smoke. I don't want to quit anymore, I don't want to run. If all my dad wants me to do is to pass, to finish my business, that's enough for me as well.
The saying is wrong, Failure IS an option; it's my option and I'm not willing to take it. Try your best, that's all he ever wanted and what I ever wanted. I want to finish my business for once, for me.
This is the Hardest Lesson of All
Riding the Lightning
9:14 PM
