Tuesday, September 20, 2005
The Fear
It is human nature to fear something and I am only human and I do fear something but it is a fear of something I cannot see, hear, touch, taste, smell or feel. A fear invisible to the senses... because my fear involves the loss of these senses.
When I was a kid, I was usually out in a little corner and spent the breaks drawing a little world for myself where no one was there. People for me have become nothing more than toys with limbs, flesh and blood who share the space I walk on and I took special joy in watching them behave in the safety of my own world. Now though, some would say I am good at explaining why people act in such ways, some would say I understand human emotion better than any other person they know and I agree to some points because I have used this knowledge to meet my ends years back. But perhaps, it comes to everyone's time that some things shatter our glass houses and try as we might to build everything back, there's still those little cracks where people can peer into.
I guess this conversation with Manuel opened my eyes a bit:
Manuel : everybody's moving
Marty : except me
Marty : pero ok lang
Marty : this is the longest ive stayed in one house
Marty : 3 years na yehey
Manuel : 3 lng?
Marty : yes!!
Marty : going to 4th na
Manuel : dba matagal na yan
Marty : not really...
Marty : there was a time when we moved again
What people don't really now about me is that I never really found one place to call home. All I really have to remember the past are the stories I have with different friends of mine and usually, I'm storykeeper. Over the years, many have left the country and that just reminds me that I am not moving at all, that scares me. The fear that I'm gonna get locked into my own house while people move on and never notice, that is my fear. I am afraid of dying that way for one but even more, I am afraid of not being remembered at all because who will remember the storykeeper? everyone else remembers the story...
On another side, my blockmate approached me about a problem of hers involving her having this sudden urge to get more friends because she doesn't seem to be contented with just one group of people and we eventually figured out that it was because she wanted to try something new and needed a new crowd to support that. Moreover, it stems into a fear of being alone. I kept remembering my own struggle against such a thing because I had this fear of being a forgotten memory and to have my life ceased to exist so I tried as much as I can to touch as many lives as possible. God, that was awful. I hated that feeling of being afraid to be thrown aside, it's the fear that keeps me up at night as well as in the day and even if I wake to smile at daylight, it seems that the fear still lingers somewhere, invisible to the senses
I have learned what fear is... it is cold and it clasps firmly unto your heart like a vice and even if you tell yourself that it has gone, you can still feel the coldness of the metal clamps festering unto your veins sending a chill that reminds you that...
you are fear's
to be continued
Riding the Lightning
10:50 PM
