Last friday, I have had a lot of thoughts about who I am to other people. I often wanted to elude that question as much as I can because it brought out my insecurities once again but something happened on that friday night that caused me to think about it again and as much as I didn't want to, I did and it kept me up all night.

I thought about how come I don't have enough backbone to ask out a girl I like and maybe that is because I don't really see myself as someone who could be "more". I mean, I'm always the friend you know. Moreover I think I'm setting myself up with failure. Maybe I subconsciously want to be rejected because all everyone ever did was accept me. That goes with the whole "Have to Be Perfect" problem I have. But that's the thing, am I even worth it? Am I of worth to anyone I have met? Yes, that problem was resolved years ago but I don't feel that that value will not satisfy me anymore. Sometimes, I just want to give up having a crush on this girl because it won't be worth it for me. Sometimes... but is it worth the chance though?

I do not get the fact that your worth is determined by how much other people value you. Does it? or is it determined by how much you value yourself? I don't know. It's one of those meaning of life questions. I don't really feel my worth because I've become saturated with my usual role in people's lives. I mean, aren't you sick of being the joker, the planner, the "just a friend" guy or whatever label everyone put on you? I hate it which is why I think I'm not comfortable when meeting new people. They tend to find a label on you for future references like, "Oh Marty, he's a writer" or "Oh Marty, he's the guy who committed social suicide the minute he enrolled in ECE". Am I worth anything else to you or am I just limited to whatever notion you have of me in your head?

Maybe one day I'll know my meaning or maybe I won't but I found an interesting thought just yesterday. As I was eating dinner, I wanted to bring out the question to my parents whether I am worth it, worth all the problems, worth all the money, worth all the effort, worth all the love they gave me. And you know what happened? I didn't dare to ask, I did not dare. They would just roll their eyes and say something like, "What are you talking about? Of course you are" or "You're being too deep again" and fact is, I am thinking too much. It's a good measure for me that when something goes over the border of actually talking to your parents about your thoughts that it should be locked up and have the key thrown away. This topic should never ever be discussed again until the appropriate time where I can discuss it with friends but for now, I'll write it down because it's been eating at me for the weekend.