So tomorrow my hell week will end and with no greater finale than a dreaded ELC test. I have studied days before and I now leave it to whatever circumstances I am destined for. We went to Carlos' house today to film our history project which is a presentation of Noli Me Tangere's last 5 chapters. The details will be discussed later on when the video is finished but I want to talk about what Aldrin and I discussed with Marc and Carlos as we sat down for mirienda.

The topic was fear of failing.

All of us have never experienced failure during our years prior to college. Everything had gone on an honor roll as far as we were concerned and yet college life has made this concept of failure a great reality to well, two of us. Aldrin and I almost failed ELC last semester while Marc and Carlos got high scores. The discussion basically went on about how it feels like to be that close to failure. Marc had not experienced such a thing, smart guy that he is, but the discussion eventually had me talking about how exactly it felt. We just came from a math test today and one of us just blanked out during the test. I wanted to make him feel better by sharing my own experiences of failure. I ought to be used to it by now... I'm an expert in regret and mistakes

I guess the first real failure I realized was this friendship with a certain girl that I liked. (Yes, I'm digging up old bones but when you're on a role, you're on a role) Things didn't work out because well, I admit it was my fault. I mistook a lot of things and selfishly thought about only myself. I let heart rule over mind during that time because I thought that's how a human being ought to be. I was wrong and I failed in that friendship. We do not talk to each other now.

Next probably is in terms of the home. I'm never the son/brother who I ought to be. I can't make my parents proud of me or have my brother respect me. I get scolded at for who knows what reasons or get criticized for being myself. I keep the pain inside and never open up to the rents creating a void between us. I hardly talk to them anything more than school and it eats at me day by day. I feel like I'm a disappointment and I failed in the expectations of me. I don't feel like I have a home at all.

My friends -past and present- I have failed the most. I have hurt people's feelings and destroyed relationships. I made them cry and hate me. All of which in the past... and yet, the remnants still echo to the present. I have turned into this former shadow of the Marty then. I lost the apathy and sheer insincerity I had for those around me and I rebuilt the friendships I ruined... at a cost. I get hurt a lot more now mainly because I still feel alone in my never-ending quest to seek absolution for what I have done. I absolve my crimes by being as good a guy that I can be and yet, I still feel that I am pretending to be someone I am not. Can I be really good? Am I a good guy?

The closest friends I have now are the ones who have always known me as a manipulator and a snake and they always give me their highest regard or an ear to talk to. Then, the friends I made now seem to want to only know the good guy: they want the favors I can do, the laughs I can bring, the things I can lend and leave it at that without really getting to know me any better. In short, I feel that I have become soft and let people walk over me in the guise of a friend. If I become an asshole again, these people would not become my friends anymore. Bet on it. I failed in seeing that.

The funny thing with failure is that it isn't the actual failing that scares you: it's the fear before it. You anticipate it and wait for it like a killer's silhoutte in your curtains. When the time comes and it is inevitable, (I quote Berk) you just have to dive and hope for the best that you catch your breath again. I live with my failures everyday but I try my best to keep them at bay to look forward to the new day. I think that's the right thing to do, don't you? Everyone has to fail in something sometime anyway.

I guess the quote I got from Sandman above makes sense. It's all about "happening" about moving forward. Things change, better or worse. Time is happening when you know that you have actually done something... whether it's a success or a failure.