Well, that's a lot to say right? Definition always eludes me whenever I try to find it. As far as point of references are concerned, they never exist as far as you'd expect. Having some of your memories erased can do that to you, so does blocking bad ones away.

I sort of blew up today. It was around lunch time when AC asked me what's eating me. I sort of got mad at Jaco over something stupid (I apologize man, just wasn't my day) and then he asked me what was wrong and I told him exactly what was wrong. I felt like a mess.

I guess I may have said too much to AC about what was bothering me. Maybe because he wanted to know and I really wanted to talk. I told him about the whole deal about what's been eating at me. How my inferiority complex can get the best of me. Everyday, I try to make myself feel better and to somehow absolve myself from mistakes and regret yet there are always people... people who remind me of how I can never change.

I made too many mistakes in my life and everyday, I want to at least forgive myself for those mistakes. I've lost friends over time, close friends, friends who I consider as family. I've felt alone then because I felt that whenever I have embraced something or someone, it would be destined to be stripped away from me. And yet, here I am again, making the same mistakes. Allowing people to become closer than what I had expected, allowing them to see me, allowing them into my world where ultimately, the same thing will happen again. I chose to live with myself alone, only to let people come to me at a certain level then cut them off from knowing anything more... but it's too hard to be alone and I slip up, letting people know too much, making them come a little closer, I begin to trust them a little better and maybe that's the mistake because then, these people, these same people will find a way to hurt me again.

Hedgehog's Dilemma. I cannot be too close to anyone because I'm afraid of getting hurt. I already feel broken, why do I have to let anyone else know? Why did I have to tell AC how much everything hurt? Why do I run away from my parents whenever they ask me why I looked the way I did? Why do I choose to write my problems away rather than talk about them? Because, Because, Because I cannot risk trusting anyone without them hurting me back. I made too many mistakes to have anyone trust me, I am a bad person who is not worth anyone's time. Does anyone know how much it hurts to know how alone it feels to have only your mistakes/regrets/faults as companions? To have people you care about, run away from you or betray you? Or worse, have them not care at all...

A Point of Reference... If life is defined by a point of reference, then I might not have one. I have nothing to hold on to because everything rapidly slips from my fingertips and I find myself tormented -yes- as I search for one. Maybe for some people, there are no point of references meant for them. They have to wander throughout life alone... ever searching for one... in the dark...

I wish life was a dream, so I can wake up kicking and screaming