I first want to apologize to the people who I recklessly let loose my rage upon. That would be Myles and Glenn. Sorry guys, I know it goes against your -somewhat- disillusioned notion that "Marty is always happy" but really, if anyone, and I do mean anyone, really knew me as well... they'd say you are wrong. Dead wrong.

I am never happy at all.

When I come home, you know what greets me? Nothing and no one. I park the car in the driveway, get my keys from my wallet while the goddamn dog stares at me like an idiot. It's too hot and I can't open the AC because we're conserving money. I go to my room to find my brother, with the tv and computer open at the same time. I want to use the TV but I can't cuz he's watching FRIENDS for the nth time and I can't use the pc I JUST FIXED FOR TWO DAYS WITHOUT EVEN A THANK YOU. Pick one idiot.

Not being able to bear anymore arguments with the fucking imbecile, I decided to take some dvds and watch downstairs, that the genius sibling of mine used as a stand for the dvd. When I took it out, there were words which ended in me going downstairs. I watched my movies quietly downstairs as I tried as much as I can to relieve myself of the anger I was feeling. I have this anger everyday in my life and as much as possible, I try to keep it away from prying eyes then again, there are those days.

Parents come home which means, time to go to work. I can't watch my movie anymore since it has been abruptly cut by orders to help fix the table for dinner. I paused it. My brother doesn't come down to help. When he DOES come down it was already time to eat in which he snatches the remote away from me and switches to the TV. Fucker. I already fucking went down for him not to disturb me but he comes down and thinks he's so big. I swear, I'd want to punch him square in the face and bash his head into the TV and say, "GO EAT IT, PIG" in front of my parents but what would that lead me; one of those talks that it will always be my fault. My fault. My fault. My fault. My fault. I've grown tired of hearing that. Sick and tired. When will it ever become his own fault. Why am I the scapegoat. Why is it when he does the deed, WE get scolded and I end up fixing things while he goes off scott-free?

Tell me, when does it end being my fault

I already requested to have me move out of my room anyways. I WANT to get rid of him. I'll take my belongings and move rooms. Sure, he uses the pc but then again, he breaks it, I have to fix it. I spent two days fixing and for what? Asshole. He's growing up to be one of the people I grew up hating. If that's the case, I have to apologize but I'm not associating with my brother anymore. He's an inconsiderate, self-absorbed asshole who I myself am baffled to how I am related to him by blood.

Next. Rewind back to dinner and you find me and my parents eating. My brother went off on his fits again and decided to abstain from dinner. Just because he thinks he can cook automatically makes him exempted from eating and going upstairs to sulk. When I try to talk to my parents about my problem, you know what they said? "Pass the vegetables" Yeah, I'm completely ignored. I get no respect from my brother and my parents ignore me, peachy. Right then, I just wanted to throw my plate at the wall and say, "What's the fucking point?" but again, I just sat back and finished my dinner. What was I expecting anyway? It's always like this. I should get used to it.

Finally, I got the downstairs again. Everybody went up already and I didn't want to hang around these people at all. What would await me is my parents AND brother hogging up the room, leaving me with nothing. No thank you. Something keeps telling me that I need to get it in my head to just flat out throw away the hope I have for my family to see me as someone better than just their throwrag and you know what, I'm starting to believe that.

The number of times anyone has done something really nice to me, I can count on my one hand. What I get from my family is sustinence, I don't feel anything else. My friends... I don't know, most of what I hear from them is that, I am happy so they don't need to listen to my problem or they will beat me or want to take away my would-be happy demeanor by something. I end up being betrayed by those who I trust so what can I say. If that doesn't happen, my closest friends end up leaving so why should I trust anyone to hear me out when they either, betray or leave?

They call me evil... but what have I done but desperately cry for help.
They say it's my fault... but what have I done wrong.
They betray or leave... do I deserve it even if I try so much to absolve past sins.

They say that I'm always happy... do you know me at all?