I have recently talked with my friend Gerome who just happened to be online yesterday on YM. I really missed talking to him (him along with some other friends) because I, for one, can trust him about my problems... I don't know if it's that trait of his to bitch about life as well or that when he tells me it's going to be okay in the long run, even more, perhaps it's whenever he says putanginang buhay to with such feverish gusto that I can't help but laugh. The lighter side of life huh?

Now... I guess one more thing that sets Gerome from everyone else of my friends is the fact that I can talk about girls with him and perhaps, get some good insights (if that's what you'd call them). High School has always been that very colorful time when I would find myself failing again in yet another romance and where I'd always be witness to Gerome having a new interest every week. Where I failed, he succeeded -- it's a funny kind of friendship. He'd be the one saying stuff like I should find a girlfriend or go on dates and stuff like that but if I didn't feel like it, or felt too emo to, he backed off and tried later when my mood's all better. Not many of my friends can do that, maybe that's how we ended up as friends.

It was just around these past couple of years where we talked about those kinds of stuff openly. I don't know what brought it up but I guess it always starts with him always asking me, "So, meron ka na girl?" haha then I'd answer, "not at the moment" which got us both laughing. Then we'd go along with our talk about what "styles" can work in dating, flirting or whatever. High School lunchroom stuff... hilarious haha.

One turning point happened when he finally told me about his problem with a girl (cuz really, nice guys like us? girls are always the problem). It's the inevitable problem of liking someone who doesn't like you back, man I thought I'd never see the day where he has to go through what I'm going through haha. Has the distractions finally ran out?

What I probably realized is that I have already gone too far ahead. As our theo teacher said, we're aching for love so much yet it's always beyond our grasp because we are not ready for it which is why it's so sad for us - to that effect. Yeah, I've known that feeling. It's like, you are so willing to do so much, willing to give your love to the one person you think deserves it and yet on the other hand, its so scary because of the possibility that it won't be reciprocated. The thought of it is so painful but it is true. I, for one, want it so much because I am what you would call a hopeless romantic. Totally hopeless, as my friends would say haha. Hopeless to the point where it starts to hurt too much.

I found distractions often to be the best remedy for these thoughts. Believe me, if I didn't, I'd not be sleeping at all. Why am I wired like this?? I really hope I can just forget about the whole damn thing and get along with living with a little sanity. So let me write about it some more to keep myself distracted. Let me just flush out all these stupid questions in my head.

Why is it so easy for some people to like someone and have them like them back? Why is it so hard to tell someone you like them? Why is it so painful when they say "let's just be friends" knowing that you can still be friends? Why can something as beautiful as love hurt? Why is it we give a part of ourselves to another person without them asking? Why is it when they smile at you, your life isn't yours anymore? Why is it that you can think about all these ways to tell her how you feel yet you can't utter even one word? Why can't I utter a word whenever she twiddles her hair? Why am I always an option? Why isn't there a word for the feeling you get when you're happy and scared at the same time? When will it be my turn?

I often wonder to myself whether you are playing me for the fool I am or making me wait just a little longer. I can't figure you out yet I like that about you the most. I don't have to pretend to be anything around you which is why I am so afraid. You can probably hurt me the most.

Ok, I guess that's it. I quote again, Tanginang buhay to haha.