Hello readers

It has been a long time since I've written anything new. Honestly, I've been preoccupied with a lot of things and writing seems so tedious. I've been sad for a couple of weeks now for reasons I can't explain. It started with this dilemma I had over friends -- same old story I'm afraid. I can't explain why I feel sad and alone so much when I have so many friends with me. It's so stupid.

I've had some heart-to-heart talks with some of my friends lately and maybe for that time, I relearned something about being a good friend. I've had a history of bad experiences as I retold my regrettable days back in High School to Joan one night. It still feels weird whenever she says, "di ko maimagine na ganun ka before," as if to say I have changed so much. I did after all but why does it still feel weird whenever I think about it?

I regret a lot of things, especially by the way I say goodbyes. I am never good with goodbyes. They often get weepy or half-hearted and overall, end up as just a big mess. Goodbyes are too final and blunt as if to say, this is the end of the line, show's over, lights out. I can never get used to the feeling of letting go of people, especially when they meant something. The great irony of it all is that even if I desperately try to hang on to people, I am somehow always the one saying goodbye. There are people I know who have not lost one friend then there's me who gets lonelier and lonelier after every year. It's unfair.

That was one of the reasons why I hated trusting people. When you trust someone, you give a part of yourself to them and you can only hope they take good care of it. When they leave you, they give it back as if to say, thanks anyways and leave it like that. You sit and wonder why they do that and you figure out that it was for closure's sake, that's how you end up as... closure's sake. When they do come back to visit, they change so much and it would seem like you hardly knew the person at all. It felt stupid therefore to trust people when they will all inevitably live lives of their own... but that's wrong, I know it's wrong -- I've been proven wrong.

No matter what happens, a true friend will always remain a friend. I'd hate myself if I ever thought for one second that I would be abandoned by the people I trust most after they have tried so hard to snap me out of it because then I would see no point in going on any longer. What I realized is when you give something to them, they give something to you as well and me? I'm not fond of letting those kinds of things go. Even if I hate trusting people, once I do trust someone, I treasure that til the day I die. Goodbyes seem easier then.

One thing I realized after all these events... with regards to Joan... I can never let go of the things that hurt. Whenever I am betrayed or feel alone, it just reminds me of the things I have to stand up for, trust and friendship. I can never be a good friend if I don't know how to have been a bad one, that's the truth. If I choose to let these things go so easily, then it would mean that everyone who I met and helped along the way had done squat.

In the end, it's always going to be a lonely road we take in this adventure called life. The answers we have are in us and it will always be up to us whether to discard or keep the experiences as well as the people we have met along the way. Inevitably, there are things we have to let go and say goodbye to. Goodbyes may be hard to say, as they get messy or drag on too long, but it's there, it's inevitable but goodbye is just a word you say to someone. The memories and experiences you have? Those are for keeps... if you choose them to be.

FOR GLENN!!!