I made a deal with you in my dream one rainy night in November. I was alone in my dream in some dark place I had never ventured until the day I read Earth X. You came into that little room of mine and never bothered to open the lights, you just sat back in the shadows and watched me contemplate the reality of the things I was starting to realize. You stood there and contemplated with me as I felt you right across me. Then you asked me, "What now?"

I sat there and thought, about sadness and despair, whether or not it was worth it to wake up from this dream. People seemed to be like nothing, just a mound of moving and talking flesh whose definition can only be determined by themselves. It was as if humans didn't have a purpose to begin with and we just made up our own to bear it all because after all, why bother living a life of no purpose and suffer for it? It's stupid, really stupid. This was the question of what I wanted and answer for and for the one time, I think I really knew the answer. I wanted out.

Out, defined is a means of escape. I want to just shut everyone out and keep dreaming of a possible better place to be in. Thinking too much about things just made me realize the gravity of my predicament; the futility of emotions and the pangs of failure and love. To wake up everyday, feeling so alone was not the life I wanted. Alone amongst people, that was loneliness because it's the kind of solitude you trap yourself in where no amount of human contact can ever reach you. It felt like drowning in water. Then, you told me of a way out but it would cost something precious... my hope

I was reluctant at first... but I pondered on the deal. You let me taste the pain of reality firsthand as you held my mouth and shoved a spoonful of it down my throat. It hurt and I wanted to throw up but you held my mouth shut and told me, "be a man and keep it down". I remember how bitter it was, how bitter life was going to become and I was scared. And I wanted to run. But into what? To a world where I can be lost forever? In a dream that isn't even real? Or perhaps it would be better if I found something else in this reality, perhaps something sweet amidst the bitterness. Happiness amongst sadness. Hope beneath pandora's box. So that is what you want then, my hope?

"Yes" you said. "I want that. You've lost some of it. I can feel it." It was true. I've lost some of it, or more accurately, the most of it. You wanted whatever hope I have left. Your argument started with saying, there IS no happiness to be found. What I'm going to go through is simply pain and suffering and nothing else. Hope and happiness are an illusion to keep me living and unfortunately, to make me feel the magnitude of failure and despair even greater. It's all a cruel joke, it's all a wild goose chase. It's all pointless. So why do you need my hope? Cuz it entertained you didn't it? You wanted to see people break and now you set your eyes on me. You're evil, you know that. I hate you but what you said, there's nothing funny about that because deep down, I know you're saying something of the truth.

"So, what's it gonna be?"

I don't know, honestly. Everything just happened so suddenly and I don't know what to do. I felt alone now more than I ever was because I wanted to get away from people as well as be proven that there was hope in them. It's confusing I know. I have to build walls around me to keep people from knowing that I think of them as insignificant and worthless but I didn't want to believe that so I entrusted people to my trouble, only to find myself betrayed. It hurts and that's when you -- oh so evil you -- laugh triumphantly at my failure. What was the escape you provided? What can you possibly offer to me to make it all go away? To make reality go away and provide me something else? Is it love? Hate? Delusion? Apathy?

"Death"

Death, was it. That was the only way, was it? The only way out. If I gave you what hope I have left, you would give me death. Tempting. Would that mean everything up til now was for nothing? It would, so my life would mean nothing? It did mean nothing. It's too small. My life is too small and there's only so much you can do. What would one death matter to the multitudes of the dying everyday. What would one life matter in the course of the universe. I'll just be another nameless then who failed to even make a notch in the lives of people I've met -- and loved. Death would be so easy, too easy - I'd be giving up everything if I took your hand, too easy. Then, a bright light blinked past the room like a flash of warmth in that cold dense room of ours and it made me realize this time that you were wrong - so dead wrong.

Amidst my darkness, there was still a flicker of light left. It will oppose you and the things you believe in. It was warm and accepting, unlike you who likes to hide in cold, dark corners. You took away that light with your forcefed take of reality but you can't take it all away unless I let you. For that one reason, I have decided -- no deal. Reality can be harsh and I might be due my failures but that was the thing everyone ought to face and if I do find the happiness I wanted, then what say you now?

So now, I offer a counter deal. I'll give my life another chance then you give me back my hope and the moment I accept that you were right all along - that everything is for nothing, that people are worthless, that life was all about suffering and loneliness - then you can have it all, everything, I will accept your way out. But I want it all first, my hope in people. I want it back.

"Earn it"

Fine, I answered. I'll earn back my trust in people for my own sake. For all the marbles then. I woke up after that and I saw the sun as it just started to rise. It was beautiful and I want to believe that there was something that beautiful somewhere in the world that was meant for me. I wanted to know what it was if only, to shove that into your throat.