Perhaps one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen was this starlit night when I went to Tagaytay with my parents. I never fancied staying inside the house whenever I went out of town, mainly because I loved watching the stars as I sat on a bench outside. It was one of those few times when you could actually see them as well as one of the few times my dad would get all chummy with me, asking "Saan diyan yung Orion?" and I, spending most of my free time watching stars, point out the three aligned stars and from there map out the rest of Orion.

That particular night was special though because I saw Draco as well as my sign, Libra. I remember what Draco looked like, it had this three stars assembled in a triangle then four other stars that made an arc from under it and Libra, well... it looked like a scale with one star on each limb of the scale. I start to wonder then about the scales. I looked it up and it says Librans often look for a balance in everything and my birthday happened to be really special, it was on the 19th of October so it was along the days where the Libran was well, truly Libran. So I was there watching the great scales up in the sky, thinking about the great balance of things in the universe when I realized, how small everything was.

Everything in perspective, things shouldn't matter. Every human is born, lives and later dies just as things are created, used and destroyed. What was scary was that all of those things I thought about that mattered so much, didn't matter at all in the bigger scheme of things. My grades didn't matter because it's just a number. Friends? Just people, they will live and die just like anyone. Me? I didn't matter, I'm teardrop in a giant ocean of humanity. Don't you ever wonder whether or not someone will invent the telephone for example even if Bell didn't exist? Or a World War 2 if Hitler didn't exist? You know, I really think the world will go on and really, everything's eventual. Things will happen as they are meant to happen. One person won't matter -- one life, one death won't stop the universe from working because it just doesn't matter.

I can see the end of things and have undone the strings of the whole tapestry of existence. Can I honestly say that there is something more to life then? No, I didn't. Life for me became eventual and merely based on circumstance. When you have deconstructed everything up until the very core of your belief, y0u end up doubting everything else if they mattered. By this time, I have grown bored of everything because the things I thought mattered were nothing at all when I thought about it. I wanted to be proven wrong and maybe perhaps that's why I wanted to change.

Change was perhaps the only thing that was constant. I decided that if I didn't change my outlook in life, I might end up something I would regret. I wanted things to matter to me -- people to matter to me so I did everything in my power to do this thing. I made the best of friends and pledged my unwielding oath to help them when they are in need because they, in my opinion, mattered. But it hurt especially much when I met people who betrayed that. There was one person who mattered to me so much and didn't feel the same way as well as another friend who I thought I mattered to but only... to an extent -- put it plainly, made me the scapegoat for his own problems.

I never wanted that. Why did these people do this to me when I saw them as something more important than even myself? You go and change, make things matter only to find these people who you wish you just didn't give your trust to. So it was at these times when the thought of nihilism came back, so strongly that they have created walls around me, making me feel alone in this world. The walls haven't come down as I still meet people who seem to see me as a label - I resent people like these because they're too one-sided and never really care for the whole. For short, users who see things at face value.

Now, can anyone tell me why should shake down these walls and let everyone come in? The irony is, these same people who tell me to snap out of this distrust happen to be the same people coming to me to tell about their problems. I find that really funny but I let things like this slide because I don't want to hold it against them. I accepted long ago that the moajority of people will overlook me but if I happen to meet the few who don't, that gives me enough reason to continue on. What makes them think being alone is bad anyway? I swear there are some people who say "ano ka ba? we care for you" and yada-yada-yada but in the end, it's always me alone on the long walk to somewhere. Happens a lot of times, enough for me to accept the reality of things: I don't matter to these people even if they say I do -- that hurts me the most, when they don't even know what they're doing... but... I can let it slide.

My melancholy is simple... I am tired and bored of seeing things not mattering. I do not want to accept that because to do so is to say I have nothing to live for. Honestly, life seems to be the same everyday I live it. I get hurt by people so I shut them out and keep walking alone into some place I can only hope to relieve myself of the pain I feel whenever I am betrayed. I just want someone to make me matter, you know. No jokes, no lies, no know-it-all speech. It's hard to find someone like that so I'll keep searching amongst this multitude, making people matter just so that, with what little hope, someone sees me to matter as well. Maybe then, I can take my eyes off the stars.