When I was in Promenade, Mc, Josh and Andrew were already there talking. I was saying to myself, okay this is a different crowd now and I was wondering if I have changed far down to the point where I can't relate anymore. Face it, people change over the years.

I was right though, I couldn't relate to most of what they were talking about. They all seem to be in one same circle where I felt I was outside of it looking in. They weren't doing it on purpose though, it's just how it is. Later on, others arrived - Rio, BJ, Bea, Martin and Eman to be exact. I tell you, it's like High School; always the outsider I am but this time, it felt different because I talked to everyone now about everything. I didn't care if it was out of topic, I just wanted to talk. I think I had to show them how much I've changed.

Okay, here's the thing. Late over the night, I asked the question 'Who changed the most' and Rio suggested we play everyone's judge - take turns, telling someone about how they changed. Yes... and I happened to be first. I already knew what everyone would say. They'd say I more talkative and extroverted... it was kinda obvious over the night but Martin told me something different... he said I was an old sinner.

What's that we asked and he replied that, an old sinner character is usually a person who has gone into the darkness and came back out. It's like saying that there was always a tinge of something 'else' by how I talk about things. Something was always brooding within my words -which he described to be maturity- . Because when someone has gone and seen the dark side of things and manage to still live with it - much less smile about it - it shows how much one has grown up. I didn't know how to process that but it had some truth about it.

I looked up on old sinners a bit more and I found something interesting to compliment what Martin said. Old sinners talk about their old sins as lessons to improve their lives. Sometimes, they don't fully forgive themselves of their past deeds, they'd rather carry it along all their lives to remind them of the lessons they've learned. And Martin was right when they said something was always brooding beneath their words because OS's would always share about the things they have experienced to those who have not been to there. Now, how the hell did Martin know that?

It's true that I often dabble on my regrets and it was true that I use them as anecdotes for my friends but how did Martin know that much? I want to believe that he just knows because we've been friends for a long time haha, and he'd know. That's just how it is. I spent some time thinking about it over the weekend and yeah, I guess I am an old sinner - now that I can describe it. I used to think I was just emo but I wasn't (thank god) . It's just who I am, I tend to carry my burden around with me and the thing was, I didn't intend of letting them go. The minute I do, everything I've learned up to this point will be for nothing because I believe that we have to learn from our mistakes and I'll be damned if I didn't learn from mine.

Who changed the most? Haha, Martin answered that too. Everyone did in their own ways. Everyone's good points just amplified themselves in college which is why we always refer to each other with 'back then... now you're..." Me? My past have always been troubling me and it never relented even now but that's thing... I should never forget. I didn't get a chance to help my friends back in HS because I was busy going through shit but now when everyone's going through what I went through, I guess... it gives me a chance to make things right for them at least.

haha ever the martyr?