I didn't realize it until I heard it from my own mouth when I was talking to my blockmate Lynn about why I was the way I am. Actually I knew exactly what the reason was for everything, I just didn't want to tell anyone (even myself) and as stupid as it sounds, I had confided to Lynn just exactly what was bothering me, something I myself couldn't admit to.

I guess I've finally come to that time where I've finally gotten really stupid and let my guard down to people or I've grown enough balls to trust someone with what's bothering me. Was it perhaps because she asked? or was it more because I wanted to tell someone about what ate at me every night? I don't know but a question was asked about an old skeleton in my closet and like any good gravedigger, I told my story.

I had loved her when I knew nothing about what love is - that's the story. Anyone who'd know me well enough knew this person and everyone knew how it ended. I guess it was the first time I ever lost a friend because I was selfish. I loved her so much that I wanted her so much to love me back and for that reason, I said something stupid that I didn't mean: "I Love You." And yet, a few more years later, I'd still say she was the first person I ever loved because frankly even now, I never really forgot. I knew her in a time where things always seemed in turmoil and maybe that's how we became friends - close friends - and maybe perhaps this was why I liked her the way I did, I had someone to share the pain. I loved her, that is what's stubborn - I can't say I ever stopped loving her because even now, I still cherish everything she's done for me, it's just that things are different because I can never be part of her life any longer. That's the painful part about this whole affair: For her own happiness, I had to accept that I should never be a part of her life any longer.

I made a huge mistake about being selfish. So much so that I lost you, my dear friend. I wanted to be forgiven somehow but things have already been set. You said to me that it would be better if we just forgot about things but how can I deny you? You really think you didn't matter to me when it's actually you who changed me so much - you mattered so much and there isn't a damn thing I wouldn't do if only to be friends with you again. Not a damn thing but I guess for this particular sin of mine, there would be no absolution since you've already denied me.

Reading back on my past, I have always seen you in every word; how you denied me forgiveness for what I've done, how I paid dearly for my mistakes and how I changed into a self-punishing coward. Will there ever be forgiveness? I know I can never get it from you because in your world, I no longer exist. You made sure of that and along with that, you have denied the better part of our friendship. All that was ever left of our relation was the reminder of my mistake and the consequences of selfishness, and for you, I'll carry them until the day I die. Why? They will remind me not to make the same mistake with anyone I love or will love one day. To deny I ever loved you would mean that these mistakes, these changes in me were for nothing and I don't want that because I now see the things that matter most to me. That's because I lost one of the most important things that mattered, you.

I spent half my life betraying an ideal or a friend I believed in, the other half is spent trying to find the strength to say I'm sorry - this is from Kyle Richmond and nothing can hit the bullseye any closer. I'm sorry, **** I hope you know that I really mean this. I hope one day you can forgive me but if it never comes to that, then I guess that's okay too. As long as you're happy, I'll keep smiling even if I'm no longer part of your life. After all, you taught me life ain't always full of butterflies right? I'll pray for you tonight, just like every night - hoping that you'd always, always be happy where we stand.

Good Night