I'm feeling rather... uninspired.. as of late due to some events that transpired a few days ago. I knew what was to be said anyways since the very beginning of that "romance," I was just a tad bit too love-stricken to actually think the whole situation through. Pretty does that to me. I am glad however that things ended up the way it did. I still kept a friend (at least to my knowledge from her words) and perhaps I can now move on. Now that it's off my chest, I feel like a new man - or rather, I feel like my old self again; detached, unopposed and truly preoccupied with the complexities of my so-called circumstance called a life.

After things went down, I found it rather strange that I wasn't as hurt as I thought I would be. Sure, there was the day of complete dismal silence but one day to mourn really isn't a big deal for me anymore. On one hand, I think it's because it's always in the back of my mind that it wouldn't work out. I'm always second best to a busy schedule and if things progressed in such a way as friends become more than friends do, it'd end up in a disaster. I guess it's just fine for the both of us to stay as friends. I'm not saying I'm hopeful things change, but it's something that I hope is never off the table. Call me crazy if I believe that. For now I guess all I can do is be a good friend and move on to other things because I admit, I haven't been myself when I started having these disturbing feelings and I use the term disturbing lightly.

Not a tear was shed, not a word of contempt - I am neither really happy nor really sad about it because nothing was ever truly lost. However, I am kind of disappointed when it was all over. I wish she had the time to give me an opportunity to at least, let her know me and vice versa. We could have become better friends or dare I say, be more than that, if that was the case... but alas, I am shut out of that part of her... haha, I never stood a chance. I guess that's the only thing making me annoyed, the fact that I'm always shut out. If that wasn't the case, maybe things would be different... but I can't mutter in the what-if's anymore, I can only look to what's ahead. Call me when I have a chance

I mean, I really think I didn't mess this up as much as I did the last time. I sometimes wonder what's wrong with me when I like someone, cuz it's like I become more... vulnerable. I hate it when that happens because all those years of building up defenses are thrown away and like Rose Walker stated, "One stupid person, not any different from any other stupid person, walks into your life and your life isn't yours anymore." How true. I kinda like being sarcastic, bitter and complicated and being under the spell of someone just screws all that up anyways. Now that I'm out of it, I can be back to my normal self and not feel the weight of any imminent heartbreak coming my way because things like this just proves to me that I was right

I was right that "opening myself up" to people is a big mistake. Truly, the person whose my affection belong to can only reject it. I'm just about fed up. People would only like to hear what they want to hear, not that which is true - this is probably the only generalization about people I believe in. I'd rather be sarcastic and bitter rather than be lied to. I have something called a heart too so I don't need anymore sympathy if it's just for pity's (or comfort's) sake, I have myself for that. Call a spade a spade. I'm too broken to even believe in myself much less other people. Any hope of being put back together is a dream, just like believing that I can ever be part of anyone's life as someone more than a friend. Tsk, heartbroken again. So stupid, so really stupid. Why did it have to happen... I just wanted to like someone... I didn't really want her to like me back, just acknowledge my existence as someone special.

Tch. Annoying. I'm going to sleep.