I've been looking for pictures to post with my entries as of late if you noticed and if I may say, some of these pictures were not easy to find. Some of them were recycled; taken from old documents I keep in my backup drive. Some are pictures I just happen to find in my folders; care of my brother. Some were clipped out of videos, screenshots and images. And finally, there are those you search for.

I have been recently searching for various pictures for this blog of mine in google, yahoo and deviantart. I could actually draw one but I'm really not in the mood to, I've been out of it since vacation started. It's as if all I want to do all day is sleep, sulk and sleep some more. But anyways, back to pictures. I discovered I've been looking for pictures in the wrong categories all this time. Like, I was looking through deviantart and kept on looking through the horror/maccabre section (since I liked the drawings there) hoping to find a picture to capture what I wanted to write about. I didn't find it there but instead found it in the People section. Eh, go figure. Or how about typing something in the google search bar and you get pornographic material? It's kind of embarrassing especially when your brother just happens to be sitting right beside you while your browsing. Next thing you know, he's shouting around you're looking for porn. Hrmm...

Anyways...

This ought to have some deep and serious meaning else it wouldn't be in THIS blog now would it? Because that's what this place is all about, trying to make sense out of everything. Frankly though, I can't... because I think I'm looking in the wrong place also. I was talking to my cousin just a while ago and he told me something rather... insightful:

"u hide behind ur intelligence.. ure afraid to take things seriously... because if u take things seriously, they matter to u... and if they matter... u get hurt easily... mato [my nickname]... ure not tough... at least, not enough... ure still vulnerable... and if u stay that way... ul be miserable all throughout ur life..."

My cousin knows what he's talking about. I do hide behind my intelligence as I try to always make sense of things, to dissect them to the fundamentals and observe from a distance. I figured that by distancing myself, I could rid myself of any pain I might endure. I guess in a way, I don't treat life as life but treat it as an equation - trying to find an answer given all its variables. It's in the wrong category

I do overthink things because I want to make it small. I want it to be a subject I can control and be held within my fingertips. But... why is it the things that matter that hurt the most? I guess that's why I'd rather make things not matter, so they don't hurt at all but it isn't healthy anymore. I'm growing more and more ill by the day and the migraines are getting worse -- it won't be long now I think. Now that I feel lost and alone more than ever, I just want to call it quits and wither away but that won't be doing justice to me or to anyone who thinks I matter, if any. What am I supposed to do then when I can't rely on intelligence or reason to make sense of things? What other category is there? Faith? I do not know, someone tell me cuz I ran out of answers.

What happens then when I finally ran out of answers or lose the strength to find them... Nothing, I don't know anymore. I just might be at the end of my rope and desperately, I just want to let go. It's all wrong, nothing is right. Everything's in the wrong category, I can't make sense of things because it's all so fuckin' wrong now. So much pain, so much confusion, so much disbelief - I feel like I'm falling apart. God, my head hurts.

Give me a catalogue for this life pls