"It's like, they say that but only to make me feel better, they don't really do it; They tell you that they'll be there for you and that no one has to go through it alone and yet when the whole talk is over, it's the same, I get lost somewhere... alone;
What was all that bullshit for then?"

What can you tell me about that line up there?

Today, when I went downstairs, my dad shouted at me for no apparent reason. Apparently, my brother forgot to have something xerox'd and by weird parental reasoning, I was also to blame. Apparently, I had a car I didn't use to xerox the damn thing. Apparently, I was to blame because I didn't do anything about something I didn't know. Apparently, I have to do it when it was my dad who told my brother that he would drive him around. I can go on and on with the apparents but just seeing the word parents is eating at my nerves. Tell me though, do I deserve that? Maybe. Who knows? I sure don't. Shit happens all the time. And taking a line from Ben, "It happens to the best of us"

From a conversation with a friend yesterday, I have been thinking again. Waiting for my brother in the car as well as driving around San Juan for an hour gave me enough time to think about what the hell was going on. Recently, to the tell the truth, I've not been feeling so well. I've been sleeping later and been waking up abruptly, unable to get a good night's rest, for at least 4 days now.

Recent events brought back some very familiar feelings. By this I mean, a certain someone who just happened to have captivated my heart. But it's not a happy kind of feeling but a shock worth reflecting on. It was whether or not, we saw each other as friends. Talking with another friend yesterday allowed me to reflect on this question I was faced with and while I replied to this certain someone that we were, it kinda nagged on me about how we were friends. Why was she special out of everyone? Why do I feel that I'm letting her walk all over me? It's kind of unfair, in my opinion but maybe I'm also being selfish.

It's like, I try everything I could to be with her, make her happy yet it seems that there's a certain wall I couldn't overcome. This wall seems to be evident in the one question-one answer format of our conversations and even if I find some of them endearing, I have to be honest - there are too many "Sorry, I can't" messages to make me doubt about our standing as friends. Don't get me wrong, we are friends but I feel like I'm treated more like an acquaintance. It makes me doubtful about the whole thing. I feel it's one-sided more than anything. If there's anything she'd do for me, any little thing at all, like a simple "hi" then maybe I can set my mind at ease about the whole thing.

But there isn't

It feels hopeless trying to reach you. As much as I want you to know me and as much as I want to know about you, there's still that wall you always put up. I can see you through it yet you don't see me... what am I to you then? a friend, is that what you call it? Maybe I'm being unfair to you, as well as myself about this whole thing if I let things continue the way they are. So maybe that's enough reason for me to be brave for what I have decided to do; that is, tell you about it. I swear on the next time we meet that I'll throw the question back to you. Hopefully, the answer would put my mind at ease and if not, then maybe I was wrong to say that "of course, we are friends" because I should at least know what we are basing our friendship on.

I don't like being treated as a joke when I'm dead serious and one thing I never joke about are my friends. I've had enough people treat my problems with such patronizing bullshit. I've had people who I open up to and think that I'm joking. And finally, I've had people making promises they couldn't keep. I do not want you to be in that list of people because frankly, I like you too much. I'm happier when I meet you or even by the rare instance that I hear from you and maybe because of that, I'm too afraid to stand up for what I want to believe in the most, our friendship. If I question our friendship, it may rob me of my happiness... but I think it's all for the best... like I said, it wouldn't be fair for you or for me if we're just kidding ourselves right?

I hope you think about it as well... because one way or another, I'm gonna have a very cold christmas without you.