Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Deny the Heart
Sometimes, we think that falling in love can be so easy; that it's as easy as phone calls, text messages, walks in the rain and kind words. Most people can affirm to these things... but not me, I do not see it that way... not anymore.
Falling in love is the hardest thing for me to do.
Most people will scratch their heads, point to me and call me overdramatic -- telling me that I'm denying myself of my happiness if I keep shoving away the people who I might have feelings for. They never understand how hard it is for me to admit my feelings... they never understand how much it hurts to have your true feelings hurt by the people you trust the most. As they say, Love takes hostages and no matter how I see it, people will be people -- you can't always get what you want out of them. You just hope that if you try hard enough, they'll love you back.
I get so scared when these feelings come up. They tend to wrap around my head and the awful memories of yesteryears surface again. So I try to lock them up and think about something else. Deny the heart and trust the mind. It's a painful exercise but it makes things easier. It's better than the alternative which is admitting my feelings and having them hurt.
Deep down, I wish that I find someone who I know will not hurt my feelings but I guess that's too much to ask for... especially out of people. The general populace of this world, for me, are walking disappointments, myself included. Whatever hope I cling to falls apart so why keep hoping? I'm coming to the end of my rope... I am about to call it quits. I do not want to spend my nights staying up late trying to figure out what my heart wants because it's just too painful to entertain. I cannot continue like this.
Riding the Lightning
6:22 AM
